Mitchell Library, State Library of New South Wales
Blanche Mitchell diary, 27 Jan. 1858 - Feb. 1861, mainly describing her social life
From 1858 to 1859
Commencing from January 27 1858
Thursday 28th January 1858
Passed as usual, except two or three more quarrels with Jessie, which serve to make the time pass agreeably. Alice went to her drawing lesson. At five went to St Mark's to sing there, slept at the Bradley's.
Friday 29th January
Walked home at half past eight. Went to Mrs Logan's, from thence to Mrs Arnold's where we stayed an hour at German. I think, (but of course my opinion passes for nothing), that Mrs Arnold's pronunciation is very bad indeed, pronouncing Guegun as a hard 'g' and altogether just like English sounds. Alice went to her singing lesson. The Bradleys called in their carriage. Kate stayed about an hour there. I showed Minna and Alice all over the house. Were asked to go to Mrs Arnold's and take tea. Went there and danced till ten, when we came home. The girls were not nice girls, not being ladies, and their manners being rough, of course we don't like making friends with them, but they like making friends with us for there was a great kissing match at coming away. Heard that they have
a scholar there, a Miss Atkinson, authoress of Gertrude.
Saturday 30th January
Rose very late, and was seedy all day. Finished the second volume of Byron's life. Alice and Dickey played chess. Dickey went to see Mr Willie Stephen, secretary at Mr Cowper's office, and heard from him that the Clerk of Petty Sessions at Molong having sent in some time ago his resignation, on account of wishing one of his friends to get into his place, that friend giving him £100 per annum, that as Mr Cowper refused to let his friend have it, he refused to go away and wished to withdraw his resignation. This, Dickey heard some time ago, and it put him into very low spirits, but today Mr S. told him that the whole affair was laid before the Executive Council, and that he was certain the withdrawal would not be accepted. This piece of news has given Dickey great hopes, and he longs for Monday, when we can see Mr Cowper. Dickey read out of London Stages, The Dukes Men. I read The Critic by Sheridan when I can, but I have got so many books to read, and I never
read more than one at a time, for it confounds
and puzzles my memory. There are Plutarch's Times, Xenoplion's History of Cyrus, Moore's Life of Scott etc. and numbers of others, which would be unnecessary to write here. I can only read them at night and in the morning, for in the day I am employed.
Sunday 31 January
Went to church. Sang there as usual. The Clerk gave Alice a note from Mr McArthur inviting her and I to an Evening Party on Tuesday the 2nd Feb. Intend to go. Returned with the Bradleys to Lindesay and am sorry to say, read nothing at all. Thus this day passed without any improvement. Sunday comes only once in six days, and that day ought to be set apart for religious improvement and prayers. Went to Church in the evening. Slept at the Bradley's.
Monday 1st February
Returned home in the omnibus, which was crowded with all sorts of people. Dickey came down to breakfast looking like a ghost. He was so pale, and frightened us all out of our seats. He is ill from the excitement which this appointment causes him. Went with Mrs Boulton to Sydney. Alice has got an engagement with the Bradleys
to meet them in Sydney, as she is going to get her portrait taken. She waited at Jones' for them, while we went down to the Circular Wharf, got into a boat, rowed to the Waterview Dry Dock, where the Simla was, and went on board to see her. It was coaling, and therefore was in a very dirty state. While we were there, they commenced holystoning the deck, and the saloon; the din and confusion was indescribable. We then went to see Mort's Dry Dock on which £80,000 have been expended, no one would think so at first sight, for the Dock does not reach up very far, not being as yet finished, but that immense sum of money has been spent on what has been done. Returned with the Boultons to the house in the boat, dined there, and came away by myself in the five omnibus.
Tuesday 2nd February
Went to our respective lessons. A thunderstorm came on, but we started in it at five for the Bradley's. Ran nearly
the whole way, as the lightning was very vivid indeed, and the thunder strikingly loud. But we arrived safe through it all, and found ourselves at the Bradley's at half past five. Mr Phillips was there. I sat with him for nearly two hours, and the
whole time he talked of nothing but the virtues and beauties of Emily ('the Countess' as he called her). This is the night of the McArthur's ball. Rain poured, but we went in the carriage at eight. It was a very nice party, at least everybody thinks so. I do not think the like, for no one ever introduced me to anybody, and as I did not know a single officer that was there of course they did not dance with me. Nevertheless I danced very much with Smythes and Skinners and those I did know, as my shoes, which are full of holes, will testify. But I think it a great shame that Mr McArthur, Kate or even Alice did not introduce me to anybody, and there were lots of gentlemen there, and there was Alice dancing round, because she knows people and gets introduced. But Mr M. did not behave at all well to me. When Kate and Minna and I were sitting alone on a bench, and they had been all dancing and I had missed that one, he comes up with a gentleman to Kate, introduces her, and then goes off again and brings up another, an officer, to Minna, who was sitting with me, and there was I left alone. He never introduced a single soul to me all night, nor took the slightest
notice of me. Came home at one. Slept in Kate's room, on the floor, but was very comfortable.
Wednesday 3rd February
Went in the Bradley's carriage to the Club, to see Mr B. then were left at our own house. Were very much surprised this afternoon at seeing Tommy walk in. We heard a hurried ring at the bell, and 'Is Lady Mitchell within? Does she live here?' I thought it was the Mitchell voice, and who should it be but Tommy. We have not seen him for two years and nine months and how he is changed! His face is sunk, his clothes are hanging upon him, and he has got a moustache and whiskers. Our meeting was cold. We went in, and coldly said 'How do you do!' He made no response, but remarked upon my growth. Mamma then came in, and he went to meet her, kissing her, and saying that he was sorry that circumstances had for so long a time kept them asunder etc. He was very sprucely dressed, in black coat, waistcoat, white spotted silk necktie, and lavender kid gloves. The poor boy has suffered much. Fire has been at Parkhall, destroyed the vineyard, the garden near the house, and left the house itself a scorched
building. The exertion, the excitement and the heat of the sun, caused a coup de soleil, which brought on a brain fever, and for two days he was given up by the doctor, blood flowed copiously from his head and ears, which relieved him, and now he is all right, except, I fear, his brain is slightly touched.
He stayed here until six. He was never asked to tea, or to take anything. He speaks of a brighter future, of hopes of comfort, and has caused my day-dreams to arise again with greater force, gleams of a carriage and horses appear in the distance, the return of the Bradleys, my going out to parties, all this appears before my mind, and for hours I live in the Future. But these joyful dreams never last long, the gloomy present and the impossibility of getting richer starts before my sight, and I leave these happy scenes to drag on my daily life. But oh! when my day-dreams become most ecstatic; when my breath becomes short, I would bite my tongue for fear the slightest sound should break in on my repose, for it is then I see again the clear forms of Emily and Milly, and imagine meeting them again, and recall all the happy
past. But to return to reality and to daily occurrences. It poured torrents all the time Tommy was here. He pressed us to go to the theatre, but we have not fixed any day
as yet; we have arranged to meet him tomorrow at Mde Ponder's and to go with him and choose some rods for the curtains. Jessie went away today, not to return till Saturday.
Thursday 4th February
Freezingly cold. Had toothache all day. Alice took her drawing lesson. Went to Sydney at four to meet Tommy; he was not at the place appointed, went to the Exchange Hotel, where he resides. Not at home. Came away. Wrote him a stunning letter, hope he will receive it tonight. Dickey went to Mr Cowper on Tuesday last, who told him he would be appointed. His delight is extreme. He went today, for the first time to his duty at the Police Office.
Friday 5th February
Passed in the usual routine, learning German from Mrs Arnold.
Saturday 6th February
Very hot day. Tommy came. We went into Sydney with him on the omnibus. He is a most
extraordinary fellow. So dreadfully particular about keeping his coat clean (like me in former days). In the omnibus, he lifted up his coat tails whenever anybody came in, and it was filled with ladies. He commenced asking after all the Bradleys' ages and mine, and when he heard mine said 'Oh! indeed! too young to be married yet' which made everybody laugh. Finally we sent him out of the row. In all the shops, he behaved so absurdly that he kept me in a continual state of laughter, and made me several times laugh in the shopman's face. We went into Freeman's, had my likeness taken, it is the very picture of me. Then went into Hill's where I bought poles for the windows, curtains etc. and into Thompson's, where I bought curtains, and tablecloths. For all of which Tommy paid £10 10 shillings.
Sunday 7th February
Went to church, with the Bradleys, it is our last Sunday together, spent it all together. Went to church in the evening. Slept in Kate's room. Oh how miserable we shall feel when they are gone! It will be long before we can be reconciled to their departure.
Monday 8 February
Returned to Craigend early in the morning. The Bradley's carriage called for me at one. Minna and Alice had had their pictures taken by Freeman, returned with them. Passed the night there thinking of the dreadful tomorrow.
Tuesday 9th February
Rose early, numbers of people came to wish the Bradleys goodbye. Mr McArthur came. I spent the morning talking with Minna and Alice, giving them endless commands. Dined at one. Poor Mr Bradley! he is always saying funny things to me, asking me to be his wife etc. One-thirty the Bradleys went up and said goodbye to Mrs Boulton. The horrid clock strikes four. Each stroke is separating us. The carriage is at the door, the dreadful and much dreaded moment has arrived, which is to separate our dearest friends from us for two years. Said goodbye in the drawing room. Mr Bradley made a long speech to me, and kissed me, and I am sure he cried, tor he held his face a long time against mine, not thinking. We all said goodbye. Oh that moment! Mr B. tried to console us_by saying it would only be for
the space of two years. But oh! two years, is many a man's lifetime. We left, walked home, with Mrs Boulton. Goodbye, old Lindesay, oh my heart is breaking! For one hour to think and ponder over all. The many happy hours we have spent together, never having separated for nine years, except for a few months. How can we go to church on Sundays, and think that they are far away? I can do nothing. I afn here sitting in our room writing. I can hardly do this. I do not know what to do, I feel restless, miserable, can't read, can do nothing but think of them. I used to think when they were here I could console myself with the future, but now when the moment comes. I can console myself with nothing. 'Friend after friend departs, who hath not lost a friend.' But two years will soon pass away, as poor Mr B. said when he tried to console me. But I am so dreadfully miserable. God grant them a safe voyage, and bring all of them back in safety. Our nearest and dearest friends are all gone, we have no friend left in the colony now. No one to take us out, we slept there, every week,
and were so happy. But people must part. We ought to be thankful that it is not parting forever. God grant it may not be! I cannot understand that they are gone. It seems improbable that we are separated now in earnest, when we have been together for nine years. Now most assuredly, I would long to go to England, we would leave no one behind now, except the Boultons and they leave in May. Tommy came. Felt very miserable and non-social all the evening. The Bradleys have given us all sorts of things, Kate in particular. Oh! how I do long to be again at Lindesay. Two years is a long, long time.
Wednesday 10th February
The Duncan Dunbar sails this morning, but we will not see her out. Oh our parting yesterday, when I think of it, I nearly scream! Let me repeat it here, it solaces me after a manner. We first went with the Bradleys and said goodbye to the Boultons, then coming down saw the carriage at the door. The time has come, how my heart fluttered! I looked at Minna for the last time for two years. She was dressed in a dark blue silk, with stripes, and
jacket trimmed with fringe, black mantle, and brown hat for aboard a ship, trimmed with brown ribbon and feather. Alice was dressed the same way, and Kate in brown silk, hat with feather. These were the last dresses we saw them in. We went into the drawing room and there said goodbye. Alice went up to Mr Bradley and, crying, said goodbye. I then went up, he took my hand in his, put his arms round my neck, and gave me a kiss, and cried over me, his tears mingling with mine. I could not speak, all I could do was to press his hand, I then turned round to Kate, then to Minna, one" kiss, and we left the house. Oh the misery of that moment, we were quitting our nearest and dearest friends whom we loved! Yes loved, for I loved them all with the most ardent love of nine years standing. I earnestly and devotedly loved, and now to be separated so widely is too much. We passed all the day writing letters home. Felt very miserable. Nothing can exceed our sorrow. Have not received Minna's and Alice's likenesses from Freeman's, but must call for them soon. Tried to console myself by thinking about the future when, God willing,
we shall all meet again. Mary went away yesterday, and Elizabeth came in her stead, a much better exchange. Also Mrs Visey went away, and Mary Hardy took her place. Alice went out with Mamma visiting Mrs Hodgson, Mrs Dowling, Mrs Alexander etc. Also in Mamma's absence Mrs Hodgson called here, with Fancy Laidley. Mrs Alien has a very bad cold. They are very prevalent in Sydney at present. Retired to bed very, very miserable, can hardly endure my own thoughts, which are too much for me. How I do long the two years to pass away! I am in a dreadful state of dejection. Nothing can raise me from it. Reading, writing, nothing has any effect on me. The Bradleys engross all my thoughts. I cannot bear to think, it makes me so dreadfully miserable, and so low spirited. To think of happiness past, is quite overcoming. Retired to bed at ten, to try and sleep, but I am afraid these miserable thoughts will prevent my sleeping at all.
Thursday llth February
Read in the papers this morning that the Duncan Dunbar cleared the Heads at eight
yesterday morning, with a strong N.E. wind. The Lamsones missed this, and were obliged to go home in the Simla, which left today. Received an invitation from Annie Hodgson, to a picnic in honour of her birthday on Saturday. Answered in the affirmative. Played music as usual. Then did German lessons. Man came to put up the muslin curtains in the drawing room. They look very pretty. Tommy came. Mr McArthur called. He stayed for tea, then walked with us to the singing. We sat in the pew, where Miss Besson, Minna and Alice used to sit. I felt very miserable, felt my heart sinking within me at the idea that the Bradleys were now far away. Alice sang very badly. Mr McArthur returned with us at nine. Heard cats mewing and making a great noise, reminded me of Carthona. And poor Topsy, where is she now, my affectionate cat, although devoid of sensibility, yet she had sufficient sense to love the only being who took care of her. Poor faithful cat, which often has made me smile, even when I have been overwhelmed by grief and in all of my dark moody humours. Eleven
o'clock. I must go to bed. Goodnight journal.
Friday 12th February
Passed a very unpleasant night. Went at eleven to our German. Mrs Byrie came, brought us some pears, also bought pears and apples from Sophie, owe her one and eleven. Alice went down the street and bought boots. Mamma and Jessie went out visiting. Tommy came, stayed until ten. Read Vol IV of Byron. Very sorry the third is lost, it contains accounts about his unfortunate marriage, which is a very interesting part. Dickey bought a coconut. Mrs Rolleston called. Past eleven — went to bed. Also received today my likeness from Freeman's, instead of it going to the Bradleys. It could not have been finished in time. What a pity, I must forward it.
Saturday 13th February
Picnic day. Well, I don't know. I hope I will have some fun, the Bradleys are not there, so I can't expect to enjoy myself. Started. Will here give all the accounts of it. First we went to Mrs Hodgson's, where after waiting some time, until all had assembled, we started. All the girls, including me and the children,
went in the omnibus, and Mr Dowling to keep us in order, some of the other gentlemen went on the top. Then followed the Hodgson's carriage with Alice
and the rest in it, and then followed a dogcart, with some more girls in it. There were fifty people at the picnic. We then drove off, and the carriage and dogcart started off before us and we were passing the Barracks very quietly when, lo and behold! Mr Hodgson gave the order, and we drove into the Barracks' gates. Yes! right inside! The guards all stared, the soldiers grinned, and the officers poured out right around the omnibus. Some jumped outside the mess room
windows, and others came rushing out of the doors, in fact numbers came out, as if we had been wild beasts. I saw jvlr Whitty, Dauncey, Kirk, Skeane, Capt. Dickson, Major Chichester etc. They all came out, and all the gentlemen got off the omnibus, and went into the mess room, and there had something to drink, and Major C. brought out to us glasses, followed by a steward with a champagne bottle; we all had a glass round. Mr Hodgson asked some to come with us, but they said with rueful faces they were all on duty, and we
only succeeded in getting one, a Mr Brown, and then we drove off, being cheered open-eyed by the officers. We then arrived in safety at Coogee, where after wandering about some time, we fixed upon a place for the picnic. Mr Douglas came, and the moment he saw me, without waiting for any ceremony came up to me, and commenced talking with me about divers subjects, and being called away for something, I went away and left. Soon after he returned to the place where he had left me, and looked all around, and not seeing me, followed me up to a lot of girls I was talking to, and seeing I was busy went back again. We then sat down and he came and posted himself by my side, but being again called away, Mr Brown came and took his place. Mr D. then went a little further downs and took wine with me. Mr Brown then asked Mr Rolleston, who was sitting beside him, 'I wish you would introduce me to some of these young ladies, I don't know any of them.' Mr R. then introduced him to me, and some others, who were sitting in the same row with me. He then commenced talking to me about
all sorts of subjects (such absurd officers as the 77th are, they talk such nonsense) asking me if I would like to be a soldier's bride. I told him no! but he was determined to think I said 'yes', as he said. 'Well, shall I tell at the mess table tomorrow that you want to be a soldier's bride?' And so he went on teasing me, walked and talked with me, asking to have a quiet walk with me on the beach. He took wine with me (twice) and then towards the end of the picnic called out to Mr Skeane (who had followed us riding), 'Skeane, here is a young lady who wants to take wine with you.' So Mr Skeane came over, and broke open a bottle of champagne, and came to me with it. But I said, 'I.don't think I know
Mr Skeane' and Mr Brown called out, 'Here Skeane, let me introduce you.' Then Mr S. said, 'I think I have the honour of knowing Miss Mitchell,' and so he drank wine with me. We then all got up, and walked on the beach, and ran into the water etc. Then accompanied by the officers and gentlemen we went on the rocks, and had tremendous fun. My horrible muslin petticoat caught in
a rock, and the two officers ran after me, with drawn penknives calling me. 'Let me cut it off, Miss Mitchell,' and I hopping from rock to rock. Alice at last cut off the torn part. We then went on. Mr Brown, looking at me, said, 'Goodness gracious, you are not married!' (because he saw my ring) and asked me all manner of questions, my age etc., and begging me to come and sit on a high rock with him. We then went again, and took something to drink. Mr Skeane handed me a looking-glass, saying, 'There is a glass to look at fine eyes in.' Mr S. then insisted on me taking some melon and wanted to hold the plate I was eating off, but I sat down, and he held the parasol over me while I eat it. Mr Brown then came, and knelt down before me, and said, 'Command and I shall obey'. After some talking and laughing, I got inside the omnibus, where the rest were, and Mr B. came and stationed himself on the step, talking to us. Then after some time we all got out and went again on the beach, and Annie had a dreadful fall (fortunately no
gentlemen were with us) and then we ran races, and my petticoat came right down. Alice came and took it off me, and dug a hole in the sand and buried it. I then ran a race again, but here another accident happened. I tore all my dress, which caused a terrific tumble on my part. I was caught up immediately, and surrounded on all sides by those torments of gentlemen, who each requested to mend it for me, handing me shirt pins etc. While I was thus engaged, a loud laugh from behind made me turn round, and there I saw a great number of the guests all standing round my unfortunate petticoat, which they had dug up. Mr Lamb and Mr Hodgson buried it again and raised a great mould over it, and put a stick into the middle of it. Not content with this, they dug it up again, and Mr H. put it on, and walked up the beach with it. They pretended not to know it was mine, but kept all the time laughing at me, making all sorts of jokes etc. We then all got, up, and went in the omnibus, in the same order as we came, except Mr J. Lamb came' inside.
Annie said, 'Oh you old married people we do not want you, we want some nice young gentlemen to come and talk to us.' And so all the girls, with Mr J. Lamb and Mr Dowling to keep us in order, went in the omnibus, and a merry party we were, such screaming and fighting. Mr Dowling said to me, 'Ask Jack how Miss Smithereen is,' and I, not thinking at the moment, asked the question, 'Fancy calling Etta by such a name.' And so we proceeded, shouting out to each person we met, making everybody turn round and look at us. Such a merry party was never before seen. Alice went in the dogcart, first had a tumble out, and Mr Brown kept his arm round her the whole way. All the rest went in the carriage. Mr Skeane rode on horseback beside our omnibus, and made his horse caracole. Mr Dowling chaffed him the whole way, such a shame. We were landed safely at Mrs H.'s door, where we had tea. Mr H. teasing me the whole time about my petticoat, and after tea, a dance. There were only five dances, as it was very late, Mr Douglas danced with Alice twice, and then came to me, and danced the three succeeding dances with
me, keeping me on his arm, and sitting down by my side when I sat down. He was very attentive to me. Mr Hodgson took us home, and Alice walked on in front, while I walked behind, Mr Douglas on one side and Teddy Palmer on the other. Thus accompanied we arrived at Craigend, where we said goodbye and went to bed. This was one of the happiest days I ever spent.
Sunday 14th February
Went to church, also Mamma and Jessie. Dined at Mrs Boulton's and returned at seven. Did not go to evening service. Could not help thinking of the picnic. Going out is a very bad thing, it distracts one's thoughts.
Monday 15th February
The long lost Emu has arrived, but of course brought no letters, as we had them all before. Dickey received a letter from Mr Cowper appointing him. Campbell came down from Stanwell. Mr Barton, Magistrate at Molong, called to
see Dickey. Jessie very rude to him, because he was one of Dickey's friends.
Tuesday 16th February
Went as usual to Mrs Logan's, from thence to Mrs Arnold's, from where we returned at one. Campbell looking all day over Papa's correspondence; Dickey lying in his bed smoking. C. bought some pears. Went to visit Thereza and Minnie, had to pass the Barracks, met Mr Skeane, but he did not appear to recognize us, as we bowed, but he took no notice. Lost our way and could not find Mr Cape's, enquired of the people, who directed us very badly. At last met one of the young Capes, who told us Thereza was up the country, and Minna was at St Kilda, so we had our long walk for nothing. Returning, called at the Post Office, Alice in the vague hope of receiving some Valentines, but we got none, only two letters for Campbell which turned out to be bills. Bought some lollipops, also a tooth and nail brush, which latter we wanted very badly, Eliza having lost our last. Reduced to buying water, a cask full for one and six. The country is reduced to the last extremity for want of water, rain was prayed for last Sunday in church. Today is Shrove Tuesday
but had no pancakes. Went to bed at ten.
Ash Wednesday 17th February
Poured of rain in the middle of the night, and drizzling in the morning. Did not go to church. Today's the anniversary of Emily's and Milly's engagement day, it actually is a year since Emily was married. How quickly time rolls on! Who can tell what the future may bring forth? I wish them many happy returns of the day, and may they live to see many more come round. Men came and plastered up the cracks. Dickey came home with a report that the mail had arrived. Thrown into great joy at the prospect of getting letters, but alas! Campbell returned and said the report was false. There is no mail in at all. C. also told us that Tommy had bought the Bradley's carriage, and horses, in fact the whole turn out for 108 pounds, and T. had also said that if we had had a coachman, he would let us have it. He has sold one of the horses for seventy pounds. Might have allowed us to have one drive first in it! How strange it would be if we ever drove in the Bradley's carriage as one of
our own! How surprised the Bradleys would be! If Mamma only had her pension we might drive in it, but now the thing is out of the question. Had one of those miserable fits which so often attack me, dreaming of the future and pondering over the past. Finished Vol IV of Byron's life. Commenced Vol V, very interesting indeed. Mr Cape called. Also Mrs Kirchner and Annie Smith. I did not see them, but the rest did. Busy all day writing German exercises. Eat fish. Bought grapes, five pence a Ib. Watched boys playing on the green, highly amused. Jessie, as usual, very insulting to me. Must close up now, as by'our clock on the mantlepiece, it is five minutes past eleven. I have a great deal to do, I also have a very bad cold, so must go to bed. Addio (as Byron always concludes his letters with). The mosquitoes are stinging my hands. Goodnight, journal.
Thursday 18th February
Splendid morning. Practised my music and did something till lunch time. A Mr Brown came, actually to see about buying this house. Campbell showed him all over the house.
A Mr Weber called. Mr Boulton came, went with him to his house, where after seeing and having tea with Mrs Boulton and the other little Boultons, we went to church, not to pray but to sing. Mr McArthur very ill with a cough, was in bed all Tuesday. Did not seem at first pleased with our singing, but afterwards came and leant over Alice, and told her to go on, as she was singing very well, and came and leant over me, and said, 'Let me hear your voice a little louder Blanche.' He did not accompany us home, as he had a bad cold, but walked with us as far as the Parsonage, holding each of our hands in his own, and encouraging me to sing louder next time. Walked home with those odious Miss Reids and Mrs Arnold, who say we are to accompany them every night. Found Mr and Mrs Fowler, baby and nurse at our house. They had tea there. Mr Fowler is a very intellectual person, having a remarkable eye, and a great deal of self esteem. Jessie, of course, very entertaining, being all smiles and full of witticisms. I missed the Bradleys more than ever tonight at singing. I
missed their dear old faces and felt very miserable. Wish somebody would give another picnic. I like them very much now. Alice informed Mrs Arnold tonight that I wrote soliloquies, what a story!
Friday 19th February
The London arrived this morning from Melbourne, and brought intelligence that the Victoria had arrived at Port Phillip and will be here shortly. Went to our German lesson. Mrs Boulton came. I entertained her for an hour and a quarter. The children have got a governess. Tommy came; introduced him to Mrs B. with whom he conversed for a quarter of an hour, and so fluently that she had no time to get in a word. Showed him our room, and begged him to buy us a fan. Mamma and Jessie went to see Mrs Gibbes, they also visited Mrs Hely. Fight between Campbell and a cockroach — cockroach getting off victorious, having a zealous advocate in the shape of Dickey, who fondly imagining it to be a 'chirping cricket', and most zealously took its part. Mamma heard from Mrs Gibbes that Capt. Kent wrote to her, that they were not
pleased with Lindesay, there being no water, and being infested with rats. One night Capt. K. heard Dangar moaning and going down to see what was the matter, could hardly get to the door, there being literally forty rats between them and that egress. It is certainly a house in which there are plenty of rates (rats) to pay. Today has been shockingly windy. Suffered from great pains in my back, and very sleepy and tired. Bought gloves, four shillings.
Saturday 20th February
Dickey saw in the papers this morning the death of Charles Bolton, his great friend. He instantly went off to see the poor widow and Mamma also went with some widow's mourning dress etc. for her. They are very poor indeed. But Mr Abbott of the Post Office is raising a subscription for her. Campbell brought home a basket of peaches, two and sixpence, grapes, cucumbers and beautiful honeycomb. All these things having been duly admired and tasted, were locked up in the store, but I am afraid they won't remain there very long. About three a 'brickfielder' came on. All Sydney was enveloped in dust. Nothing could be seen, it was like a dense fog. The
dust flew along the road like a fire, rushing from bush to bush, or like the waves of the sea foaming and dashing one upon another, the clouds of dust upon the road rushed upon one another. The wind was so strong it shook the house and the rain came down in torrents. But the rain only lasted for a few minutes, and Mamma called in a poor girl who was in the midst of it, to take refuge. This poor girl being very pretty, Campbell entered into a conversation with her, and she so far condescended as to give him a lock of her hair. Finished a book called Louis Arundel, by the author of Frank Fairleigh. It really is a first-rate novel. I never read one with such interest before. It is the book that strikes me as peculiarly racy; and amusing. There are characters in it which I most thoroughly admire, and what is its best feature is the absence of all that fulsome love, which some authors think fit to ruin their tales with. There is just enough but not too much, and it ends happily. There are, of course, faults, but not great ones. I should like to know who the author was of such interesting books as Frank Fairleigh and Louis Arundel.
Sunday 21st February
Cloudy morning. All went to church. Mr McArthur preached a very good sermon. Did not go to Mrs Boulton's but returned, was introduced by Mamma to Mr and Mrs Windeyer who were walking with her. Dined for the first Sunday at home since we have been here, which proves us very dissipated. After dinner looked over Papa's papers with Campbell, and saw all his jewellery and curious little knick knacks etc. Mr Macpherson and Dr McKay called. Went to the Congregational Church. Heard Mr Cuthbert-son. He preached a most beautiful sermon, very good and very emphatic. It was on the missionary subject. There were thousands of people, the crush was dreadful. Am too tired to write any more, so must go to bed. He mentioned Lord Byron in his sermon.
Monday 22nd February
Gloomy morning, hope it will rain, rain has been prayed for twice. The church last night had an organ, first time I have heard one. Mr Cuthbertson is a thick set man but has a very good head. He preached
beautifully, extempore. Dickey's bond signed today by Campbell and Mr Boulton as sureties for him. Alice went to her drawing lesson. A violent thunderstorm, the lightning vivid, the thunder loud and crashing, did not feel frightened, but Alice kept running into corners, thinking foolishly that God cannot protect as well in one place as in another. Finished fifth volume of Byron, very entertaining. Mentions about Shelley being an atheist. Elizabeth very much incensed with Jessie's conduct towards her. Gave warning tonight. Commenced Song of Hiawatha by Longfellow.
Tuesday 23rd February
Went to Mrs Logan's and to Mrs Arnold's. Mamma received a summons from Coutin and Griffiths for the sum of eight pounds. Very hot day, very sick with giddiness in the head, extreme listlessness, which by the bye is growing on me rapidly and I must try to shake it off. I cannot take any exertion without having to rest myself after it. My head is not half as clear as it used to be. Finished Longfellow's poem of Hiawatha. Am
delighted with it. I think it is most poetical and how anybody can say it is uninteresting I can't understand. It is generally condemned as not being entertaining, but I know myself for one that went once in the middle of it I could hardly leave off. Again in one of my melancholy humours, which torments me, as it makes me recall to mind the past, and all my dear friends, and I picture them all to myself and the parting which was dreadful. I will write no more of this, it makes me too despondent. I want some excitement, we have not been anywhere for a long time and having nothing to look forward to is overpowering. It is quite a load in one's chest, worse than a cold. A fowl house built in the yard to confine the fowls in, which are so obliging to the neighbours that they even go and lay in their yards. All the hens, too, have made friendships with the strange cocks and strut about with them, and because our poor cock exerts his right, and fights a duel or two with the others, he gets a bleeding neck and all his splendid ruff torn off, which is most
unfair, and shews the absolute loss of law amongst the feathered tribe, but it only verifies the old Proverb, 'Might is Right'.
Wednesday 24th February
Rose very late (my usual custom). Went into Sydney at ten, or rather to Mde Ponders, where we ordered a bonnet and hat each, to be ready by tomorrow. Came back at twelve. Mamma went to see Mrs Boulton, stayed the whole day there and came back by the six o'clock omnibus. Dickey got his money, thirty one pounds from the Treasury, being advanced from his salary. He came home very grand. Bought us some lollipops, got back his watch, bought a new chain, and thinks himself somebody not to be surpassed. Violent brickfielder again today. Same as the one I have before described, only the rain was heavier and lasted longer. Commenced
VI Volume of Byron's life. Finished it, not only the book, but his life also, as that volume contains his death. Very entertaining indeed. I felt quite sorry when his death came, as if I had lost a friend. I like Byron very much. I admire him. Must now read his works, more particularly Childe Harold. I know nearly the whole of 'The Bride of Abydos' off by heart.
Campbell brought Willie Gibbes home with him. After drinking and smoking in the dining room, they came up into the drawing room. We had all gone to bed except
Jessie, who when Mr G. came into the room, got up, holding her handkerchief to her nose. She was very ashamed afterwards to hear who it was, and went down and made him an apology, telling him she took him for a common man (polite compliment!). A beautiful moonlight night, with occasional flashes of lightning lighting up the city, which has nearly now sunk into darkness, the busy hum is hushed, the bark of dogs only disturbs the profound tranquillity, which reigns triumphant, and all are asleep, excepting downstairs a most delightful melody is
going on. Campbell playing on the piano, and Mr Gibbes singing a most discordant song; not at all agreeing with the tune. For instance, the song is 'Annie Laurie' and the tune, 'That of which the old cow died'. Neighbours next door must be amused.
Thursday 25th February
Played as usual two hours of music. Mr Fairfax came to see the house. Studied German. No bonnets came. At three started with Dickey and Alice for Mrs Boulton's. Had tea there. Dickey behaved himself very well. Heard that the mail was in, started off immediately for the Post Office, where we received a great many letters. Ten for Mamma, but only one each for Alice and I. We then went to sing
in the church. Sang very badly. Then went to Mrs Boulton's, read our letters there. Were very pleased with them. Milly seems happier than Emily, in a great state of excitement expecting a certain event. Mrs Lindesay had prepared everything for her. Very busy reading letters, can write no more, for I am dreadfully tired after my long walk, and my very great exertion at singing.
Friday 26th February
Up rather late. Read letters over again. They formed the subject of conversation at breakfast. Various comments made upon them. Went to German, stayed for calisthenics. I like them pretty well, they are very good exercise. Mrs Martin-dale, accompanied by Miss Smith called. Jessie went away to stay till Monday — joy, therefore. Campbell and Alice played and sang all night till ten. Went to bed. Read Month newspaper today. Took salts. Beautiful moonlight night, it is so bright that I can read outside (no exaggeration). It shines far away upon the water, making it glisten as it appears now and then through the trees. The sky without a cloud, but perfectly blue, and this spendid bright orb. A dark leaden cloud hangs over Sydney. I wonder why there is always a cloud hanging over that place of smoke. Perhaps it is the smoke and the various other things which arise from Sydney, that join together and float overhead? I never see it in daylight, only when it is dark. Poor man calling out 'Prawns, oh, Fresh Prawns!' then, as if enraged at getting no purchaser, he
yells out in a begging tone of voice, 'Fresh Prawns!' Who would buy from him at this hour of night? It is eleven o'clock. Must go to bed.
Saturday 27th February
Cold morning. Last day of Dickey's residence here for some time. Helped him to pack up, gave him a needle book, a very trivial present, certainly, but one that I prized. Dr McKay called. Campbell and Dickey went away in a cab, did not say goodbye, as we will see D. on Wednesday. Annie Hodgson called, to ask us to spend the evening. Do not suppose I will have much fun, but nevertheless am glad at going. Alice received an invitation from Mrs W. Smith, to an evening party. New bonnets and hats came from Mde
Ponder, bonnets trimmed with ruche of green ribbons with flowers, very pretty indeed, and hats brown, with brown ribbon, my hat too small, must change it. Went dressed in silk skirt, with white jacket to Mrs Hodgson's. Enjoyed ourselves very much. There were only Annie, Tchi Tchi and Willie Leslie (Annie's great friend). We joked poor Annie about him so much. Had dancing and plenty of games.
Came home at eleven. No moon tonight but very cloudy.
Sunday 28th February
Last day of the month, joy because one month gone, will make one month less of the Bradley's return. Put on new bonnets and new gloves. As it poured of rain all last night, and as it was very muddy and cloudy, we thought it better to go to St John's Church, which is quite close here. Went — do not like Mr Hayden. He drawls dreadfully. Mamma went to the Scotch Church, was delighted with the sermon. Read various extracts etc. Saw a funeral cortege pass down to Darling Point. The hearse looked so dreadful, with its black nodding plumes. In going, the hearse stopped just in front of our house, and one of the mutes took something out. They returned soon afterwards and went down to St James's. There were six carriages after it. It was most mournful to see the mutes walking so solemnly by the side of the hearse. Went to the Presbyterian Church, Palmer Street, Wooloomooloo. Heard a very good sermon indeed. Saw Annie Cook. Dog barking very much tonight. Nasty,
snappish little dog, wish it was somewhere else. All besides is quiet, principally because it is Sunday, and principally because it is past eleven, at which hour we always get to bed.
Monday 1st March
Poured of rain all night and all this morning. Passed a very unpleasant night. Received a letter from Mrs Stephen, who wrote asking after Mamma's health, saying she had heard she was very ill. Went this afternoon to Mrs Boulton's, where we stayed and had tea, and went up after tea on the hill, where we sat for a long time, duly admiring the moon, the sea, and, -of course, the clouds. The dew fell very heavily, and I was sitting a long time down on the wet grass, so that when I got up my dress was perfectly wet, all the rest had seats, but I felt very sick after sitting down and becoming so wet. Returned home by nine, accompanied by Mr Bonner, who saw us home. Think it will rain again tonight as the sky is becoming cloudy, with clouds hiding the beauty of the moon, which truly is magnificent. So silvery bright, nothing can equal it. 'And the sun shall not burn thee by day, nor the moon by night', which lines from divine
inspiration show that the moon has more power than we are aware of.
Tuesday 2nd March
Received a note from Mrs Logan, postponing the music lesson until Friday. Went down into Wooloomooloo with Alice, bought some barley sugar, and Alice bought divers things. Went at eleven to Mrs Arnold's where we had our German, and stayed for callisthenics. Came away at one. Jessie returned today as bad and worse than ever. Mamma out the whole day visiting Mrs Boulton, Mr Cape etc. Went in at two again for our dancing lesson, taught by Mrs Acutt, commenced with our positions, so odd to feel doing our steps again, and being shown the quadrille step, when we have danced it so often. Lasted till four, when we came away. Alice went by the omnibus to Mrs Smith's, where she is to sleep the night. I think I mentioned before about a party being there. Slept in Mamma's room. Commenced Childe Harold, and learnt some more of 'The Bride of Abydos.'
Wednesday 3rd March
Delightfully cold morning. Alice returned. She said it was a very nice party. They all
enquired after me. John Edie Manning asked why I was not there, and asked after the petticoat. Lucy Lamb was there, and she does not go out yet. I think I might have been there, if she was. Practised my music, and did my lessons. Miss Cooksey called. Stayed very late. Jessie very rude at tea. Paced up and down the verandah, very melancholy indeed, had another of my gloomy fits. I always imagine in happy day-dreams of the Future, fondly imagining that all will be right soon. I feel so miserable and lonely, knowing that I am of no importance in the world, and I do suppose if I was out of it, few, very few would care. Oh! that I were in a position to make my name known! What! am I to die! and leave nothing of me, behind me, nothing to immortalize my name? Oh, what can a woman do? How insignificant am I, and such a worm, such a weak insignificant mite in the myriads of the world as I, do I dare, have I the temerity to entertain the boundless ambition that possesses
my mind? 'All things are easy with God' — He alone can encourage and grant my hopes. He can bring those anxious wishes to pass. But will He do so much for one who daily slights Him, who (oh! pity me!) never fulfils His commandments, who gives way to every evil passion, and never checks any naughtiness. Oh! can He, or will He, grant me any favour? He who has granted me so many, who has done so much for me. Weak mortal that I am, why do I not leave all in His hands, why dare form any projects for myself? But oh, I pray Him daily to grant my requests. Continued Childe Harold. It is splendid. Jessie opened every window in the house. May God change her heart, and mine likewise.
Thursday 4th March
Dickey came, he cannot go up till Saturday as all the places in the Mail are taken. Bought three dozen peaches for a shilling. Rose very early this morning. Mr McKay came, also Mrs Norton, and Mrs Henry Mort. Mr McKay stayed for tea, he is such a
funny plain spoken old man. He said a very good thing, 'Procrastination is the recruiting soldier of the Devil, and the best one he has'. Alice said today to Mamma, pity I could not go to a boarding school. She would like it, I daresay. No affection, not the slightest. I meant it all. I know when she goes away even for a night, I am very melancholy; but she would not care if I went away for ever. Neither her nor Mamma ever show me the slightest degree of love. If they would only press my hand, care for me more, and love me, how different I would be! I cannot live without love, it is my whole existence. But I cannot obtain it. I know I feel, I see I am hated, why not? If I were treated with more kindness, my temper, my whole existence might be changed; yes, even my future life might be altered.
I had a splendid dream last night. Had been praying all night for Mamma to live and to see all her children united around her etc. It might be only my thinking (for I often do picture my thoughts to myself until I make
them reality). I dreamt that Mamma was dying, but on my inter-cedence and all our prayers, that God mercifully spared her, and that an angel (oh! it is not presumption to write this!) appeared to me, and said that Mamma would live for six years, and see her children united around her, that Jessie would be married, and that I should marry in future years a good and virtuous man. This may have been either one of my reveries or a dream. There are two things which might have caused it. First I had been reading Cantors and read about an uncle dying, and all the family praying round him, and that he recovered, and lived many years after. Second, I had been praying more fervently than ever for Jessie to get married. Worked as Mr McKay was here; afterwards continued Childe Harold.
Friday 5th March
Went to our music lesson, afterwards to the College, came away at one, dined, read and learned lessons, until after four, when Mamma, Jessie and Alice went out visiting. I not being introduced, have not that
pleasure, which I am heartily glad of. Saw an omnibus driver cruelly ill-treating a poor horse. Also saw Mr Skeane pass by. Mamma etc. returned at six. Visited a great many places, but too late for Mrs Keats; that pleasure is reserved for another day. Heard from two milkwomen that our cow had jumped over, or broken through the fence of its paddock, and is now on its way to Darling Point. No measures taken as vet to regain the lost quadruped. Mr Fowler lent Alice Dombey & Son. Read part of it tonight. Prawn man making more than usual noise. My hair coming out frightfully and has been so for some weeks, so that the back of my head is nearly bald now.
Saturday 6th March
Rose very late, dreamt of being in battle all night. Mamma read a prayer after our usual reading for Dickey. Practised my music. Dickey went away at five. Very sorry indeed. Hope he will behave well in his future appointment. Walked out to Post Office and spoke about cow to the P. Office girl who said she would fetch it tomorrow. Went
down to Mrs Boulton's, where we stayed for tea, and came away immediately after, but it was quite dark before we got home, and it being Saturday night, numbers of people were out. We met a horrible old tipsy man, who was reeling from one end of the road to the other, and singing aloud. He turned and frightened Alice out of her wits. Arrived safe at home, where we found Mr Cape, who spent the evening here and amused us by reading aloud 'The Jackdaw of Rheims', from The Ingoldsby Legends. He went away after tea. Finished Childe Harold. Think it a splendid poem, those verses 'Roll on, thou deep and dark blue ocean roll!' are truly beautiful. The description of the thunderstorm is striking. Also read some of Dombey & Son.
Alice has changed so lately. She has got so domineering, so tormenting. I do not like her half as much as I used to do. Wish Dickey was here. Have no one to say poetry to me. Alice knows none, nor will ever listen, goes out of the room if I commence. Miss Dickey very much. Went to bed with a heavy heart, thinking of Dickey, and of the many injuries I have
received today. Mr Cape said tonight what a likeness I had to the Mitchell family, that I was the image of Dickey. Mrs Hodgson always calls me 'Family Likeness,' for she says I am like every one of the family. No moon tonight, all darkness, great noise from tipsy men, wish there were more policemen to keep the peace. Actually twelve o'clock, Sunday morning, what a time to be up!
Tuesday 9th March
My face being all swollen up, and blistered with plasters, in consequence of being very ill with tooth and face ache, which were necessary to alleviate the pain. Was obliged to write, in consequence of the mail leaving. Wrote to the Bradleys and to sisters. Could not go to music lessons as the pain was too great, but I went into German lesson, and at two into dancing. When we returned found a young officer called Mr Dauncey at our house. He begged us to go to the Band, and Mrs Nugent being kind enough to ask us to go with her, we went. When we arrived there, Mr Dauncey was waiting for us,
and he stayed with us the whole time. Bowed to Miss Napier. Saw Mr Whitty, but of course did not bow to him. Must mention that Alice went to a ball Monday night, at Mrs Alien's, where Mr D. paid her a great deal of attention, she danced a cotillion and enjoyed herself greatly. Mrs Nugent spent the evening here.
Wednesday 10th March
Felt very ill with swollen face, passed a restless night, and a miserable day. No one called. Expected Mr Fowler to drink tea, but never came. Slept in Mamma's room.
Thursday llth March
Rose very late, about nine. Men and people called in the morning. Mrs Smythe came, was shown all over the house. Mamma went to Sydney with Jessie. She bought us two
gossamer veils. Bought peaches, twopence a dozen, and rock melon for ninepence. Started for singing. Went as far as Mrs Boulton's, saw the doctor's carriage at the gate, so thinking she was ill, left. Saw also Spenser coming out of Carthona
gate. Also saw our cow marching down the road. Sounds and signs of approaching rain. Went to St Mark's. Mr McArthur not there. Came away with the Arnolds, wrapped up in a mackintosh young King lent me. Heard locusts singing very loudly, though dark night. Went to bed in great pain with face and mouth. Took salts this morning. Slept with Mamma, always intend to sleep with her, and dress in our room, as she feels very lonely, being there all by herself. The Leslies have gone in the Emu, Willie Leslie and all.
Friday 12th March
Mamma went early this morning to Darling Point to see Mrs Boulton and to look what had become of the cow. Poured of rain all night, and roads very wet. Went into our German lesson. Came away at one. Mamma not returned. Jessie in great ire, threw open all the windows. Received a letter for Mamma, from Mr Murray, stating that all Lord A.'s letters should be sent to Mr Murray, as his lawyer. Also several bills. Mamma returned, and said Mrs B. was quite
well, and that three big boys went down in a cart to Mr Blackenburg, and said Mamma had sent him for our cow, and had taken it away, therefore our cow has been stolen. Nice state of affairs! Mamma started again for Mrs B.'s, going through all the mud. Mr Dauncey called again, he bought a beautiful bouquet of flowers, and presented them to Alice, but she hesitated in taking them, and she said, perhaps it was not right to give them, so on Jessie coming into the room soon afterwards he gave them to her. Stayed here some time, Alice very nervous. Rainy afternoon. Bad swollen face, felt very tired but not sleepy. Finished Dornbey & Son. Music next door, they keep it up from six till ten. Jessie perfectly unbearable.
Saturday 13th March
Rose very late, very late indeed. Heard Alice and Mamma talking again about poor Mr Dauncey, the last thing I heard at night was about him, and the first thing I heard this morning. Practised my music, made my veil. Mamma went out
to the grocer. Jessie at me all the morning. Calls me 'Bullock Nob'. I, in a fit of ungovernable passion, said, 'I wish you were dead, we all wish it!' At dinner again, making me foam inwardly, saying all day that I would never get married. Mamma and all went out to visit Mrs Kent, met Mrs Garston on the way, who told her that Col Stratton was coming to call upon her. At tea tonight, Jessie's rudeness unbounded. She said on sitting down, 'Now! I have prophesied that that Bullock Nob will never get married, five times today, and as true as God is in Heaven, that prophesy will come true!' Thus she goes on all day, every remark I make she laughs at, and says the most cutting things. Oh, how long am I to stand it! Perspiration is streaming from my brow, from the pains I have taken to keep my temper in. The only thing I have answered her, is that dreadful word I said this morning, not another thing have I said. I feel very miserable, my prospects blighted. I feel ashamed to
let anyone see my face. She has made me think myself something most frightfully ugly and stupid. Oh, if all she says comes to pass! She says the most frightful things of me. Went to bed, nearly mad with sorrow. In going down to Mamma's room, Jessie was as usual sitting in the drawing room, and on calling out Mamma, she pursued me in the dark loneliness which prevailed, not a light to be seen, with loud cries of 'Bad woman, bad conscience'. I flew downstairs, and heard ringing after me a wild laugh, and loud cries of 'Bad conscience. The devil is after her!' Oh! how can I sleep after such terrible curses have been pronounced against me all day? I am very young, surely the bitterness of life has already cast its shadow over me.
Sunday 14th March
Rose rather late, came down late for breakfast. Jessie as usual calling me the most frightful names. All went to church. Coming out, met Mr Dauncey and Mr Brown to whom we bowed,
but they went with Captain Kent. Dined. Oh, 'tis in vain to tell all the tortures I suffer from Jessie's cruelty towards me, she must be mad! Her name now, for me is 'Murderer'. Prayed to God that she might cease her troubling. Read part of Leighton on St Peter. Alice also read me some of C. Simeon's life. Went to church again in the evening as usual to Mr Cuthbertson's. The sermon we admired very much. The pews were insufferably hot. Returned home near tea, where, after the usual amount of abuse from Jessie we retired to bed. How long must we suffer this persecution? She calls me all manner of names, says gentlemen have pitied Mamma, on account of having such a daughter with such a murderous face. She says, that what I said to her the other morning shall be known all over the country. Bugle calls sounding! How nice they are. How miserable it makes one to think that I cannot be a soldier. They wind so beautifully through the busy street, and all through the hoarse
cries of men, the crying of children, the barking of dogs, and worse than all, the fighting and drinking of tipsy men, this refreshing bugle calls, winds around, the soft call vibrating upon one's ears.
Monday 15th March
Rainy morning. Practised my music. Campbell came down from the country, and has relieved us from the presence and tongue of Jessie at mealtimes. Mrs Byrie came, and brought some peaches. Passed the afternoon, writing and learning lessons. Went on a visit to the Capes. Saw Minnie and Miss Jaques. Poor M. looks so miserable, she says she feels all that is past is like a dream. They told us the mail had arrived in Melbourne. Good news that! Returned at six. Heard that Mr Dauncey and Mr Brown were here, and had just gone, when we came in. Oh, I am so sorry that we were not at home! Mr Brown, too! I regret nothing more. They came to ask us to go to the Band tomorrow, and Mr D.
left a programme for Alice with his compts.
Tuesday 16th March
Mrs Logan sent in to say that she was very ill, so could not give us our lessons today. Saw in the paper that the 77th have all been ordered off to Hongkong. Oh, what bad news! Just as we began to know them, and they are such nice fellows too! If another regiment is sent out, they will not be half so nice and funny fellows as these are. What are we to do without a band, and the parties too, how stupid they will be! I am sure I for one, will not care about going out any more to parties, or anywhere, for there will be no nice fellows now. What a dreadful pity! We had become intimate with them, and had such fun. Alice will regret them more than I do (if that can be possible), as she knows more of them, and Mr Dauncey too, Mr Brown also, and the fun I had with him, and we may never see them again, but perhaps they may come back here.
Walked to the Post Office, received letters from home. I received three letters and a collar and pair of sleeves from Emily. Bought a
pair of gloves, fourpence. At two o'clock went into dancing, stayed there till long after four. Came in, and saw Jessie dressed to go to the Band. She went with Mrs Nugent. Went off leaving us in the lurch. Dreadfully disappointed. I am afraid Mr Dauncey will be offended at us not going, as he left a programme etc. Capt. and Mrs Kent called while we were in at Mrs Arnold s. Mamma being out, Jessie had them all to herself. They told her, they were going in a fortnight, Mrs Kent, with her husband. I envy her. Only one more Tuesday for Band, and only two more weeks that the officers have to stay. It is miserable to think of it. Sydney will be too wretched and lonely. Thought about it all last night. Read Tasso, it only made me more miserable about the battle and the noble warriors. I wonder whether Mr Brown will call again? Hope he will call tomorrow. Hope they are not offended.
Wednesday 17th March
St. Patrick's day. Awoke very late. Saw in the paper that Mr Dauncey had
advertised his horse to be sold. Felt very miserable on account of their going away. Mr Boulton called, but did not come in. All day long expecting Mr Dauncey to call, waiting anxiously at the window, thinking every gentleman on horseback was him, but he never came. Men came to put up the blinds, only stayed an hour. Felt very ill all day. Campbell brought Mr Uhr home with him, and some shrimps. I do not know which was the most acceptable. He told us that he had heard that a detachment of the Melbourne regiment would be quartered here, and that it was not likely, when the 77th went to China, that they would return again. He stayed here till twelve. Jessie very loquacious and witty. Finished first volume of Tasso. Admire Tancred very much. Very sorry about 77th. Pity we ever became acquainted with them and then we would not have been so miserable at their departure. Very, very much disappointed at Mr D. and Mr B. not calling. Think they are offended. But the most likely thing is that they are too
busy, they leave in a fortnight. But they must call tomorrow. Perhaps not! Near one o'clock. Very tired, very flushed, very sleepy, with headache, and now must be off to bed, perchance to sleep, perchance to lay awake all night thinking. I shall never forget Mr Uhr tonight singing. His affectation was extreme. I will describe his absurd songs. First 'Tis not on the battlefield', suitable song, I wrote to Alice, for present feelings, one line is peculiarly affecting: 'A soldier knows how to brave a soldier's death.' Do not scream so loud, Mr Uhr, we will have the constable in to ask who is howling! Now change your song, that is right. After that affecting song of all about soldiers, certainly 'Grim Death' is really too touching. What! is 'Grim Death' too unsentimental, ah! 'You love me not'. Pray who are you addressing? Can't sing 'You love me not'! poor fellow! his voice fails him, he recovers it again, but alas! Not to continue, the latter song was too touching. Sentiment now sings 'I do not
ask to offer thee'. What? we are all anxious to hear. Perhaps we may accept it, but alas! a groan follows, then a screech, now a howl, and oh, what a hullabaloo. Hurrah! it has ceased. Praises resound (some from me). The flushing youth rises overcome, but is forcibly held down, and after a great many coughs, hems, and sounding chords, unfortunate sings 'Those Bells of Shanandoh'. Well, something like it. At last he is finished. 'The last note echoes on the breeze', and inwardly we exclaim, what a blessing! I read Tasso.
Thursday 18th March
Men came to fix the shutters. Practised music. Heard that the 77th intended giving a ball. Oh what fun if I should go! But here arises a damper. They must give it in Passion Week, therefore nobody will go, but I am too young to go at all. Mamma says if the other girls go, she will let me go. I will ask Mr Dauncey to ask other girls to go. Expected him all the afternoon. Alice says unless he comes
she will break her heart. Oh, I wish he would come! Campbell told me that the 40th Regiment from Melbourne will come here, he says they are all quiet fellows. Not a gentleman among them, and no fun in them, besides they are all old fellows and will behave as such. Mamma and Jessie went out visiting, also Alice went to see Mrs Alien, expect he will come today. Five, sky very threatening, ring at the bell, Elizabeth brought up Mr Dauncey's card. Hurray, he has come at last! Shewn into the drawing room, whither, Mamma, Alice and I repaired. I am so glad to see him. He said the ball is not to be in Passion Week but on the 5th of April, so they are not going as soon as they expected, he asked us all to come, but Mamma said I was not out and could not come, but he said, drawing himself up. 'But I insist upon Miss Blanche Mitchell's coming.' I can't go, it is a large ball. He said, all his little stock is to be disposed of tomorrow, and named some of the things, his splendid horse Lambuscat, for which he will get
70 pounds; and two dogs and other things, he also offered Alice his rose cockatoo, saying he did not know what to do with it, if she would accept it etc. She did. He told us that Capt Colquhoun, who is rifle instructor, has had a shot in his arm, his right arm, and it is doubtful whether it will have to be cut off or not. After staying some time he took his leave. We patted his dog Rose, which he brought with him. Felt very glad at his coming. Jessie very uproarious about the shutters, calling me 'Evil Eye'! Oh I wish I could go to this ball, the band playing and everything. But no girls will go. Annie Hodgson will not go, I am sure. Mr Dauncey begged me to go. Writing my journal in a dreadful draught, so I must leave off.
Friday, 19th March
Went into our music lesson, after that into German, where Alice made a great mistake by saying 'that she wiped her eyes with her tears'! returned, dined and did not expect Mr Dauncey to call. Alice went into singing, and instantly
after she came in, Mr D. popped in. He came dressed very nicely, and stayed here a long time, pressed me to come to the ball, and said he would bring me a bouquet made of white myrtle. We had great fun. Jessie stayed for a short time, but Mr D. wanted her to get away, so he told her the wrong hour, and finally to his great delight, she took her departure. We then had a comfortable chat, but about an hour or more after Tommy came, so he took his departure. This is his fifth visit. He wants Alice and I to meet him out walking tomorrow. The Capes came, they look so sorrowful, such deep quiet sorrow. We walked half-way back with them. Emily left her basket here, so we said we would take it over tomorrow morning before breakfast. Tommy
is coming to live here. Thought about going to the ball, but now think it impossible, and though Mr D. says continually I am going and asks what dress I am going to wear etc, and is going to bring me a bouquet, yet I know I cannot
go, as it is to be a large party, and I am not out. I would like it so very much. I shall never have had a dance with any of the officers in uniform. I wish I could go. But it is useless to think so, for of course it is quite impossible.
Saturday 20th March
Rose at five, and started for the Cape's. Beautiful morning. Saw them, and gave the basket. Minnie gave me some figs, and they pressed us to stay for breakfast, which we refused. Practised my music. At three Mr Dauncey came, glad to see him. Jessie was in the room the whole time, so he asked us to go out walking, and I said 'Yes', he then said 'Oh I must leave to let you get dressed', and whispered to Alice 'And I will meet you on the road'. So he took his leave. Tommy came to take up his residence here. Said he suspected that we would meet somebody. Started, and saw Mr Dauncey sitting on the fence, he instantly got up, and came and walked with us, first saying 'Will you allow me to walk with you?' But Alice
refused, saying, 'No! You must not!' But he persevered, and walked with us as far as Mr McArthur's. On the way, going up Mr Meanin's road, he, after tying the gate, came up to Alice and said, 'I have something to give you', and taking a morocco case out of his pocket, in which lay an enamelled blue locket, with three large pearls in the middle, he pressed Alice to take this, but she refused, he pressed but it was useless. He then offered it to me, saying 'Take it for her'. But I refused, to my great sorrow. He then became perfectly pale, nearly crying and his hand very cold, and he instantly said goodbye! Walked on to Mrs Boulton's, where when Alice- mentioned Mr Dauncey, she called him all manner of names (she does every gentleman). Returned at seven. Tommy played and sang, he sings very well. Sat up playing until near twelve. On going down into Mamma's room with Alice, just as the church bell had tolled midnight, on going downstairs, we distinctly heard two knocks, rushed upstairs again, and I got into Alice's bed soon after. Just as I was
going to sleep Alice said, 'Get up, I think there is somebody downstairs.' But listening and hearing nothing, I composed myself to sleep. But this time heard a violent noise downstairs, as if someone was trying to get in. A loud banging _ rushed into Tommy's room, and begged him to come down. He went, and I went with him. Got into Mamma's bed, very much frightened.
Sunday 21st March
Went to St Mark's. Rather late at church. Saw Mr Dauncey sitting in one of the pews. Very good sermon. A boy fell down in a fit, and was carried out by two men. Did not see Mr D. after church. Very hot! Perhaps the poor boy was awestruck. Mr Uhr came in the afternoon. Talked as usual of marriage etc. Tommy and all of us went to the Congregational Church. Heard a very good sermon by Mr Cuthbertson. Came home. Went to bed, after trying to convince Alice that Mr D. is a very nice person.
Monday 22nd March
Rose rather early. Mamma started off immediately after breakfast to ask
Mr McArthur about Mr Dauncey. She returned about ten, and said she had heard everything that was good of him. That he was of an old English family and expected to come into £5,000 a year. That he was a very religious good young man, always attending church. That he was brought up at Rugby, under Bishop Tait, and was that Bishop's favourite pupil. All these things, and others Mamma heard about him, has determined her to allow him to have Alice. Alice's scruples gave way at what she heard of him and she likes him now. He will be asked for tea if he comes today (which I hope he will), and Tommy has already gone to Sydney commissioned to buy wine etc. for the tea tonight. Very cold windy day. Afraid Mr D. will not come as it is about to rain. At two Alice went into her drawing. No Mr D. I hope he will come. At three a knock came at the door, but it proved to be our former odious servant, Eliza. That woman which said such things of Elizabeth and of Debboo. I walked out of the room, and would not see her. No Mr D.!
Very much afraid he won't come. Almost sure of it now. Tommy came loaded with all sorts of cakes as we intended Mr D. to stay for tea. Six. No, he is not coming, it is too late! What a shame, not coming today. Alice is in a great state about it. She thinks he is offended. I hope not. Must only hope for tomorrow. Practised with a very bad toothache. Applied an onion to my cheek which somewhat relieved my pain. Oh, for tomorrow!
Tuesday 23rd March
Very cold morning. Rose early, and practised music. At nine went to Mrs Logan's. Alice made all sorts of mistakes, quite puzzling to Mrs Logan, who could not account for it. Went into our German lesson, and to callisthenics. Do not intend going to dancing this evening, as we intend going to the Band. Alice indulging in the vain hope of seeing Mr D. there, if he does not come today I do not know what she will do. Also made mistakes at Mrs Arnold's. Poor Mr D., what I have seen of him I like very much. Hope he is not offended. Oh, for two or three, when we expect him to come. At three Mr D. came,
he brought the book, looked very nice, also brought two programmes. We went to the Band accompanied by him, Tommy and Mrs Nugent. Heard splendid music. Saw Mr Brown several times, but never caught his eye. I do not think he saw me, if he did, I think he would have come up to me. Saw also Mr Skeane. Bowed to him. Also saw Miss Napier, and Miss Suttor. Saw many more people we knew, and spoke to them. The Aliens said, 'Oh! here come the Mitchells, with two officers of the 77th.' They took Tommy for one of the officers, which flattered him very much indeed. Mr Dauncey was with us the whole time, he walked to our gate with him, and we asked him to tea, but he said he was Vice-President at his mess that night, and there was no one provided to take his place. Very sorry at his refusing. Read nothing tonight, but took pills and went to bed.
Wednesday 24th March
The Council prorogued today. Heard the guns firing. Mamma and Jessie
went to Sydney. Poured of rain all day, practised music and wrote etc. Mamma and Jessie returned. Alice went into singing. D. came. He brought a beautiful
bouquet of flowers, principally roses, for Alice. Alice arranged them after she came in. Mr. D. asked for a rose, but Alice refused to give him one, which he said was very stingy of her. He had plenty of opportunity today to ask Mamma about Alice (if he intends to). We pressed him to stay, but he could not, as there was to be a large dinner at mess, all the officers of the Iris going to be there. He stayed from three till six.
Took pills also tonight, went to bed early. Read nothing tonight either. I do not know what is coming over me. I cannot compose my mind to write, I cannot learn poetry, nor do I care to repeat it as I used to do. I am sure it is a change for the worst. Alice very sour and cross. I never saw a girl so madly in love as she is.
Thursday 25th March
Awoke up at one, with the most violent toothache, throbbing and fearful pain.
Remained moaning until three, when Mamma rubbed my cheek again with mustard and laudanum, which I am glad to say alleviated the pain and caused me to sleep, and I awoke up in the morning with the pain almost gone. There — good remedy — mustard and laudanum. Fine day, the streets muddy. Did not play today, went down to Wooloomooloo, where we bought shoes, some kisses and a pack of cards. Expected Mr Dauncey to come today. Yesterday when he went away, just as he was going out, I threw a piece of iron down to attract his attention, which it did, and looking up, he said, 'Oh, is that a rose?', and was climbing over the fence to get at it, but seeing it was only iron, went away, looking up saying goodbye. Alice dreamt last night that two of her eye teeth pained her, and fell out in her hand. Mrs Hathaway, and Mrs Somebody Else called today. Miss Alien and Miss Garsten also, and Mrs Pennington, but no Mr Dauncey. He never came at all. What a shame! Tommy left two cards at the Barracks. Alice
very miserable on account of D. not coming. Various conjectures thereupon. Mamma and Tommy think that his affection is fading, that he wants to get off. Jessie dares to say 'The boy never thought anything of it'. But Alice resents everything, and only hopes for tomorrow. Went to bed very uneasy about Mr D. Alice thinks I do not care a bit about him, that I am ill-natured etc. She little knows my heart, and how dear her welfare is to me. I cannot take steps in this matter, she reproves me severely for not instantly leaving the room when he comes in, but how can I do that so openly. And being a young officer, who knows what his feelings are? Felt very miserable at Alice's great unkindness, she openly declares she does not like me, and I who love her so much. Very bad toothache. Ah me! How I am troubled!
Friday 26th March
Rose early. Jessie fearful in her appellations calling me 'Nigger-head' etc. Went down to Wooloomooloo with Alice.
Streets very muddy, and day very hot. Afterwards went into German, where Miss Suttor told us everybody noticed the particular attention Mr D. payed Alice at the Band. Practised very little music. At two no Mr D. He will not come today. Alice's heart will break, she can do nothing, her thoughts are centred in one object. All love is taken from everybody else, she cares for no one but him. If she dresses Mamma, it is for him, if she arranges the drawing room it is for him. She will not leave the drawing room, that she may be there when he comes; everything she has to do, she does it in there. When I enter the room she hurries me out as quick as fire, telling me I had better go out, Mamma would be angry if she saw me doing nothing. Ah! it is Woman's fate! Once they get a husband, sisters, brothers, mothers are put into the shade. But Alice, kind, affectionate, unselfish Alice, I never would have believed it of her. Ah! How fast people change! Dispositions and all fade away. How quick Love engrosses
all the faculties! She thinks and talks of nothing but him. At three heard a knock at the door, but thought it was nobody. Soon afterwards, hearing another ring went down to see who it was, and was going into the dining room to peep through the window, when Elizabeth rushed out, and pulled me back. I said, 'Let me in, I want to see who it is.' She kept drawing me back, and saying, 'He is in there.' Lo and behold he was in there! He had come some time before, and had asked for Mamma, and then took her into the dining room, saying he had something to say to her. Afterwards Mamma came out, and told me he had asked for Alice, and Mamma asked of course all about him. He said he had £10,000 a year to do what he liked with, and that he expected at his uncle's death an estate worth £3,000 a year, and that he had a large house on his uncle's farm to take Alice to, that he would not think of marrying her for six months, when he could get leave of absence, marry Alice and take her home. He then went up to Alice, and bolted the door,
and there held a conference. About six o'clock he went away. Alice would not tell us anything, she appears stupified, and now that he has proposed does not seem to like him. He has given her a ring of his own, to wear for his sake (not the engaged ring). At all events she is engaged now, and cannot help herself. Afterwards she went on as if nothing had happened, played the Baltic Fleet gallop, and sang etc. Very wrong, as Mamma and I think she ought to have retired to her room and thanked God for giving her a husband. She has disappointed Mamma and I very much.
Philip was the subject of conversation before and after tea. Various remarks were made upon him. Faults and blemishes are discovered now in him which were never known before. Such is the way of the world. Everyone is the same. Alice went to bed quite comfortably and, I think, forgot all the importance of being engaged. We ought to thank God for his mercies in granting her a husband. Went to bed very frightened, heard some knocks. Toothache.
Saturday 27th March
Rainy day. Mr Dauncey came in his uniform, looked very nice. He only stayed a few minutes as he was on duty. Tommy and Mr D. came at six. The latter stayed for tea, and went away at ten. He is very kind to Alice, she is head and ears in love with him. Will never go out of the room where he is, and is always continually with him. Played music tonight. Had a dreadful toothache.
Sunday 28th March
Beautiful morning after the rain. Went to church. Heard a very short sermon. Mr D. was not there. While we were at dinner he came, stayed the rest of the afternoon, and went all together to Cuthbertson's church. He gave Alice a locket, a very pretty one, with his hair inside, and a diamond fly upon it. He has given her three books. Read — was in a very bad humour all day. Mr D. never speaks or addresses himself to me. I hope it is not jealousy or any bad passion, but I cannot help the feeling. I feel so miserable at having no one to care for me, or love me, no one to bring me
things, and then Alice is so changed, she cares no more for me. I am put aside, and no one loves me. Oh, how can I live without love! I would love everybody if they only loved me. I am a shadow in this house. I darken it with my bad temper, they tell me so. P. went away at ten. Discontinued writing this from Sunday till Wednesday 31 March, during which time Mr D. has been here every day, and has given Alice a watch. I have suffered greatly from depression of spirits which am unable to account for.
Wednesday 31st March
Mr D. came first thing. Tommy, Alice and I went to Sydney, where we bought divers things. Returned at three. Met Mrs Alien, who congratulated Alice. Mrs Hodgson came, she brought an invitation for Alice etc. to an evening party on Tuesday 13th April. Went out walking with Mr D. as far as Darling Point. It is not very pleasant for me to walk with them, as I have to walk behind, if I do walk up with them I am sure they do not
like it. There they walk. Alice holding Philip's arm, and being so intensely happy, I cannot bear it. It is very wrong of me to entertain such feelings, and I am not so bad now as I was at first, and am trying to conquer all ill-feelings. I love Alice most intensely, Alice my best beloved sister, whom I have always been with and whose face I often gaze at with delight, and forget in that calm innocent expression, half my troubles and my own unworthy self. I love her, then is it not hard to see that dear sister transfer all her affection to him. Oh, 'tis hard to bear, but it is life. P. did not stay for tea, as it is his last Mess, and he has to be at it. Spent a very unpleasant evening.
Thursday 1st April
Fool day. Rose very late. Went down with Alice to Wooloomooloo, where I paid my bill. Went to Mrs Treble's and Tanner's. A little boy passing called out, 'You have dropped your handkerchief, Misses'. I knew what he meant and passed on, but Alice turned round and said, 'Where?' The
boy ran off calling out 'April Fool'. I dragged Alice back, and succeeded in convincing her the boy was laughing at us. Came home, found Mr D. at home. Mamma and Jessie out. He stayed for dinner, and the rest of the afternoon. Mamma heard great news from Mrs Alien that despatches had come to the Colonel, saying the 77th must be off in a week. What a pity! Philip away at eleven. Boys crying 'Hot buns'.
Friday 2nd April
Very hot indeed. The whole morning heard nothing but 'One for a penny, two for a penny, hot cross buns. One for a penny, two for a penny, clap them in your muns!' At one time would be heard the deep bass voice of an aged man, calling out this childish rhyme, and then the treble sinking voice of the puny voice sent out to exert his little lungs, and gain a penny before his breakfast. The cries would be then caught up, and echoed all down the street. Witnessed the death of a poor little dog from my windows, very touching
and moving were the poor little thing's yells, it appeared to die in a fit. Mr D. and all of us went to church. Mr McArthur preached. Not a very good sermon. Very hot, unbearably so. Walked back. Heat intolerable. Had a very bad dinner. Afternoon boiling. Feel just like Sunday. Cows lowing make the day hotter. So today is Good Friday, and have I thought for one moment of the meaning of this day? Alas, no! When I sit down to think, the past crowds on me, and I see before me again, our drawing room at Carthona, Emily and Millie with their respective husbands, and all of us, a happy party, have just retired from dinner, all happiness. Wherefore not? We join in the giddy speech, we laugh and talk of careless things, and we sit cosily down. A ring comes at the bell, it is only the Bradleys and we have greater fun. I go down to the cool rocks, with Minna and Alice, happy careless children. The Present is sweet. We catch fish, and amuse ourselves. Then I come up again. Again is merriment, all are with us, few
are absent. But now let me look at our present situation, let me compare it to that former happy one. Now we have risen from dinner. The day is very hot and sultry, there is no cool place to go to. No dashing water to run alongside of, no friends to play with, and lastly no sister's love. My peace of mind is gone, my enthusiasm damped, my love of Futurity dying away, for I see what it is, my mind is no longer careless and happy, innumerable troubles compass me about. My land is disputed. The house we are in disputed, law suits around us in every direction, and all is gone, yes even my very strength has departed, even now perspiration falls down upon my brow, my hand drops down by my side with fatigue. Call me child, silly, doting, unmeaning infant, melancholy unpleasant girl, eavesdropping woman, call me what you like, but call me not what I once was, so much have I changed. I leave that hot feverish drawing room from those I love, yes more than love, but who
care not for me. I leave them because I know I shall not be missed, they are happier now that a dark shadow has gone out of the room, my best, my dearest sister who saw me in my cradle, detests me. This callowness is hard to bear. I fly from their presence, and rush to my only refuge, my room, my journal, and here I have the privilege of writing down my thoughts, and confiding them to myself. D. stayed for tea.
Sunday 4th April
Easter Sunday. Mr D. came. After breakfast walked to church. Intensely hot. Pretty good sermon. Mamma and all with Mr D. stayed for the Sacrament. I went to Mrs Boulton's, where after chatting about various things for an hour, Alice and Philip called for me, so we walked home. Had a very good dinner. Read afterwards Hedley Vicars. Philip went away at six. Started for the Roman Catholic church as we wish to see its ceremonies. Saw a crowd around it, but the church not opened. After enquiring heard there
was to be no service held. Then went to Mr Cuthbertson's where we arrived very late. Retired to bed at ten.
Easter Monday 5th April
Our usual great day of feasting. Did nothing all day. Very listless, tired and idle. Philip came. Campbell came from the' country. Brought a pot of honey with him. Passed a very unpleasant day. No merriment, no nothing. Mr Edward Alien came at six, and asked us to go and spend the evening at his house. Started at eight. It turned out a party, danced all night with various people. Mr Skeane and Brown were there, danced with the latter. Enjoyed myself very much. Tommy came, but he sat on the verandah all night. Came home at twelve. P. became offended just at the gate, and went away, hardly said goodbye to any of us. No one knows the cause of his offence. Alice is very much offended at him. This very strange. Very sleepy and tired.
Tuesday 6th April
Mrs Alien called, asked Alice to go and
practise with Gwendoline Alien, which Alice did. No Philip came. Felt very ill all day, dreadfully so, in great pain. Alice dressed for the ball, and looked very nice. Oh, the 77th ball, they say it will be the largest in the country. I feel so ill, what can be the matter with me?
Monday 12th April
Been confined to bed since Tuesday last, being dreadfully ill. Dr Roberts has been every day to see me, and has now pronounced me better. Had acute dysentery, and have lived on nothing but barley broth. Have managed to scribble off a few lines to England in bed about Alice's engagement. On Saturday very ill. Have got up to day for the first time, feel very weak. I was asked during my illness to such a delicious juvenile ball tonight, now of course I dare not move out. I am so sorry, so many of the officers I know will be at it. Fanny and Minnie Mann came. I am so glad, they will be a comfort to me. P. came. Fanny and Minnie stayed here all night. Laughed very much. Bad for me.
Tuesday 13th April
Poured of rain, so did not go to Mrs Logan's. Up all last night with pains and dysentery, and not allowed to eat any meat. Alice Mann came, the others had to go back as Mrs Mann would be all alone, very sorry because we had great fun. Alice and Philip set off alone to Guilfoyle's. They returned with two splendid bouquets, one for Alice Mann. At seven the two Alices began to dress for Mrs Hodgson's ball. Philip also dressed here. Alice looked very nice, as also did A. M. Mr Mann came for them in a cab, and they rolled off at nine. Two companies of the 12th Regiment came down from Hobart Town to take the place of the 77th. Felt ill all night.
Wednesday 14th April
Tommy's case came on yesterday, it was deferred till today. Tommy came. He just told us that he had lost his case, and I was complaining in very bitter terms of the justice of the Law, but afterwards C. told us he had gained it, so poor T. will be utterly ruined. What
is one man's loss, is another man's gain. The way of the world. C. very ill with his hand.
Thursday 15th April
Everything the same. Philip came, late in the evening, the time he always does come. Surely his courtship is totally without love.
Friday 16th April
Emily and Milly's wedding day. We had intended to give a picnic today at Manly Beach, but Campbell's illness has prevented it, so Jessie has had to put off numberless guests she had invited. Minnie and Fanny together with Fred Mann came, expecting to go to the picnic, they were very much disappointed. Had great fun at dinner, drank E. and M's health, got tipsy. Fred going on with his nonsense to me. Campbell still ill with his hand.
Saturday 17th April
Fanny and Minnie went away. Made arrangements to go to their house on Thursday next. Philip came. He is always so silent, and talks more to Jessie than he does to Alice. Quite
different to before they were engaged. He never brings anything, and has given no one anything, except Alice, to whom he has only given a watch and a locket. My face very much marked with mustard poultice I had on the night before last. Unable to go out. Suffered all night from toothache.
Sunday 18th April
Alice and I did not go to church. Jessie went with Philip. Poured of rain all the afternoon. P. went away. Read Ministering Children, and was delighted with it. Had toothache. Had a fire for the first time. Think Mr Dauncey might have stayed with Alice. The last Sunday night and he goes and drinks his coffee at Barracks and only stays here a very short time! I would say his whole time ought to be devoted to her, when he will only see her for a few days.
Monday 19th April
My face still very bad. I am afraid I will be marked for life, which will not be very
pleasant. Rather cold day. Alice received a letter from Philip (as she has each day that he has not come) saying he would be here by two, and sending some books by his servant. Wrote a German exercise. Philip came according to promise, and we all started after lunch, to see the Megaera. We walked down George Street, into the market, after walking through most delicious fruits, we marched out again, without anybody buying anything, and then into Beckman's, and afterwards down to the Circular Quay, and went on board the Megaera. There were numbers of officers and soldiers on board, and we had to walk through them all. We saw P.'s cabin, which is very small, and has to be shared with Mr Brown. A nice vessel but not nearly as large as the Oneida. We walked home alone, rather tired, P. having left us to go to the Club, his usual resort. He condescended to promise to come tonight, and is going to sleep here. Prepared a very nice tea, as it will be his last on shore, but no Philip came. At nine he walked in, in uniform. After chatting etc. and reading it was eleven, and we
thought of going to bed, especially as Philip appeared very tired and drowsy, as he always does. Mamma rose. His room is Dickey's room, a small hole, and as we have no clean sheets in the house, he must put up with dirty ones. Alice made him kiss me, and kissed him herself, and then after some delay they both marched upstairs together, and she showed him his room, and there they said goodnight. After some fun, and after hearing a delightful tune whistled by Philip, the house soon became buried in repose.
Tuesday 20th April
Mamma got up at five, and awoke Philip, who dressed very quick and came downstairs and went away, and never said adieu to Mamma at all. Called up by Mamma at six to hear the drums, and there through the misty foggy rainy morning, we saw the moving mass of soldiers, slowly proceeding from the Barracks, and taking their course across the Racecourse to the Megaera. Ah, poor fellows, how many of you are now looking your last at sunny Australia! The rain
came down in torrents, and still the moving mass of men rolled on. The rain beat against the windows, and the streets oozed with water, trees soughed in the wind, but all fell alike on that crowded mass. Above all the clatter of the elements we hear still that sorrowful air 'Goodbye, Sweetheart, Goodbye!' The bandsmen play with a will, and now a merrier air strikes up, 'The Girl I Left Behind Me!' On, on they move, and we strain our eyes after them, till the mist and St Mary's Cathedral hide them from our sight. Felt very melancholy, losing all the merry officers. I took my music lesson at Mrs Logan's, and when I returned,
expected of course Philip to be at Craigend, taking his farewell. But he was not there. All day long expected him, no Philip, and Alice must retire to bed, hurt at his non-arrival, but not hopeless of seeing him tomorrow. Goodnight journal. I can write no more, my heart is full, and suffers much.
Wednesday 21st April
In the Herald of this morning we see 'The 77th Regiment departed yesterday in the Megaera, which has set sail, etc.' So Philip has at last gone. And after no farewell. A strange way of leavetaking! All day long did nothing. The thought engrosses Alice's mind — Philip is gone.
Thursday 22nd April
Started with Alice at four for the Mann's, where we intend remaining till Monday next, and therefore as I am going away must discontinue.
Tuesday 27th April
Returned yesterday from the Mann's, enjoyed ourselves very much indeed. Saw Miss Napier at St Leonard's. Went to our music lesson, afterwards to our German, where we had a new master. I like him very much indeed, and think we shall get on with him. Called away from German to bid farewell to Mrs Kent, who sails today in the Raby Castle, with the rest of the troops. She gave me her cat, Tabucheeme Kentalucee, which she brought all the way from England with her. It is a tabby and a very playful kitten.
We then said goodbye, that fatal word. She kissed us all. Mamma said, 'God bless you!', and crying, Mrs Kent went away. Parting, nothing but parting! At two went into dancing, came away at four. Mrs Skinner was there, she told Alice her husband knew Philip. Read Ossian, like it very much.
Wednesday 28th April
Nothing particular occurred, my cat is the most domestic animal in creation. It sits beside me and follows me wherever I go.
Thursday 29th April
Saw this morning the arrival of the mail in Melbourne. Delighted to hear it. Heard the Artillery practising all day in the Domain. Precious noise to make and wasting so much powder. Watched for the flag to announce the mail. The Capes called, told us the mail had gone into harbour, and invited Alice to spend from Saturday till Monday with them. This evening received letters, but not all. There are plenty more yet to come. Emily's letter told us of the birth of Milly's daughter, and of the possibility of her being in the same condition as Milly was. How
delighted we are to hear it. Its name is to be Mary Emily Blunt, and it is a beautiful little thing, our first niece. Dear little thing. God bless it, and preserve it to its happy mother for many many years. And if God grant that Emily should become a mother, then what joy! An heir to his name would delight Lord Audley, and perhaps that heir might be prosperous and retrieve the fallen fortunes of its father and build up again the house of Audley. Emily and Milly did not change in their affections, like Alice did, when engaged.
Friday 30th April
Poured of rain all day. Therefore it was impossible for us either to go or send to Darling Point Post Office. Passed a very gloomy day. Went into German, was kissed by Miss Suttor. Cleared up for a short time, but down the rain came again. My cat very mischievous, knocking down pictures etc. for which it was expelled the room. Tommy came, stayed till ten, then went.
Saturday 1st May
Beautiful day, awoke early, had a dream
in which I was told by Mamma to pray for the postman. Went down the street with Alice. Purchased some lollipops, and met Mr Boulton, who told us Mrs B. had received letters from E. telling her the news. Returned, and found letters had arrived, one from Emily and numbers of others. There was a little piece of baby's hair sent, just like down, but rather dark. Milly and John are delighted. They say they have sent us The Illustrated London News, which we have not received as yet. Alice went to the Cape's. Wrote German all day. Tommy came, read the letters, went off again. Rather showery.
Sunday 2 May
Did not go to church, read the service at home. Had a bad toothache all day. Took a glass of ale. Went to bed very early, feeling much frightened and very lonely. Sorry to say I have read nothing today, but then I have suffered so.
Monday 3 May
Kate's birthday. Alice came home early. Miss Suttor came to ask us if we would go to the Concert with them. Very glad to accept.
Went into Sydney with Tommy. Had my likeness taken by Kingsley next door to Freeman's, who only charges seven and sixpence. Tommy paid for it. Came home very tired, and got ready for the Concert. Tommy took Jessie, and Mrs Hay's carriage came at seven-thirty for us. Mrs Hay is a very nice person, we enjoyed ourselves very much. It was a dress night, the Governor was there, and when he came in everybody stood up and the band of the 12th played 'God save the Queen'. Their band plays very well. The Governor's box was next to ours, and Colonel Percival next to that, and when the Denisons rose to go out, the officers went out also, and handed them out of their box. Everybody was there. The performances were very good. Returned at twelve. After Alice eating a whole loaf of bread, and Jessie crying because none was left for her, we all retired to bed, and in a few hours no sound was heard.
Tuesday 4th May
Took our music lessons, went into German, at two went into dancing, where we remained until after four. Mrs Acutt
thought we danced the Mazurka so well that she made us dance before everybody, and praised us very much. Rest of the afternoon read Frank Fairleigh. Tommy came, brought a beautiful diamond cross, which he has lent Alice.
Wednesday 5th May
This day year, we had the misfortune of losing our near and dear relations, and therefore it will always mark in my life a most sorrowful epoch. Absence changes everyone, why not sisters! and of course they are changed. Our family was broken up then. Hence, fatal day! No, I will not be so selfish as to condemn it entirely. This day was happiness
to them, they are happy now. Did lessons and read Frank Fairleioh. In the afternoon walked to see Mrs Boulton. We found her in Lindesay preparing it for her reception. Dear old place! It is the first time I had seen it since the Bradleys left, and I looked upon it with affection. Came home in the omnibus. The baby's name is to be William Charles.
Thursday 6th May
Practised my music. Jessie's language very coarse and terrific. Miss Suttor came to see us. Finished Frank Fairleigh, like it very much. Alice went into drawing.
Friday 7th May
Spent all day writing, went into German. Alice went to Mrs Tooth's ball, she did not look at all well, as she wore no flowers. Jessie wore a dress just like a bride. Mrs Wise took them in the carriage. Audrey sent Alice a bouquet with her love. Very tired and sleepy.
Saturday 8th May
Alice came home very early from the ball, ten o'clock. She enjoyed herself very much, but she said the band of the 12th played very badly. For the Lancers they played 'Oh, Erin My Country!' Rose rather late. Wrote letters all day. Alice made me scratch out Mr Dauncey's name in my letter to Minna, because she does not wish any of them to know what his name is. Jessie as usual very noisy and Alice very unkind. She told me in writing to Minna, not to meddle with any of her affairs, which are
quite distinct from mine. She never said that before she was engaged. But since this horrible engagement, everything has been changed. She is now quite selfish and cross. Mamma insists I must drink ale every day at dinner.
Sunday 9th May
Beautiful day after the rain. Went to St Mark's. There met Mrs Boulton, who made us come home with her and dine. After dinner I went down to Lindesay with the children, and stayed there till six, when we came home, just in time to meet Mamma and the Conqueror [Jessie] going out to hear Mr Binney preach, a new clergyman, one of the great leading stars of England, who has come out here for his health, and is only going to preach this sermon tonight by favour. Were accompanied by Mr and Mrs Windeyer, with whom we sat in the church. There was an immense crowd, people came pouring in. The whole aisle was blocked up, and the doorway was crowded the whole time. I noticed many faces I knew there. Mr and Mrs Hodgson etc. The preacher is a tall thin man, and very theatrical
in his actions, striking himself etc. The text was 'Are ye not all carnal, and walk like men?' The sermon was divided under three heads — Fleshly Lusts, Fleshly Wisdom, and Fleshly Conversation. It was an excellent sermon. He said the great philosophers who sought to penetrate into everything, who looked beyond this broad blue curtain, and wished to penetrate the systems of the firmament, who mistrusted religion, because they could not clearly see the origin of it; who were always asking themselves 'Who am I? What am I?' that their prayer would be, if put together 'Oh God! if there is a Cod, save my soul, if I have a soul!' That we must take religion as we find it, in its simple, calm, holy truths, in all meekness and simplicity of heart. Came home at ten. Mr and Mrs W. stayed for tea, and remained talking of ghosts till twelve o'clock, when they went home. I, who have heard the most fearful ghost stories tonight, am dreadfully afraid, and see spirits round every corner.
Monday 10th May
Raining all day, the streets deluged. Played music, read German, and various matter. This evening Mamma read to me a portion of the Life of Baxter, and of Charles Fox, the founders of the Quakers or Antinomian Sect. Fox was a very clever man. and could not see the reason why people should be bothered with any title, as some of the apostles were in ancient days, therefore the Quakers never value, or call anybody by their title, never take off their hat to anybody, and always address people as thee and thou. Jessie making a great noise.
Tuesday llth May ,
Did not go to Mrs Logan's this morning, as she sent to say she was occupied. Beautiful day after the rain. Went
into German, where we as usual chatted with Miss Suttor. Came away at one. Dined and went in again at two to dancing. Did not do the quadrille well. Received The Illustrated London News from Emily. Mrs Hay and Miss Suttor called. Mrs Nugent came, and took tea here. She went to the band with Jessie and left her
little girl to Mamma's care. Beautiful evening, very sorry to see men cutting turf off the grass plain before the house, because when it becomes evening, and the sun is just setting, it looks so emerald green, and the sun casts its long shadows across it. It makes me feel fresh and is comfortable to the eyes, after gazing at the dull, noisy city, for I do hate the city, with its vices and crimes.
Wednesday 12th May
Miss Suttor came. Alice went with her to Mrs Logan's to buy some music. She is coming to dine here on Friday. Minnie Mann and Mrs Hely came. Did nothing the rest of the morning, but laugh and talk with Minnie. Mrs H. gave Jessie a good scolding at dinner, which I hope will do her good. After dinner all went out to call, Mrs H. also. Minnie and I went down to the very bottom of William Street, to a shop to buy a work basket. Went into a very dear place, and bought some lollipops. Then went into Mrs Day, and bought a work basket, and had it furnished with divers
sort of nice things, which would be both useful and ornamental. The whole of it cost nine shillings and sixpence. This is to give Alice tomorrow as a birthday present. Then went into Fowler's, bought oranges, threepence each, and lots more apples. Finally came home. This evening Minnie and I put our heads together, and composed a long rigmarole in rhyme, in which the box is to be wrapped. Afterwards went into the drawing room, and employed ourselves in sewing up the tops and bottoms of Alice's sleeves, which she had brought down to mend. Then afterwards Minnie nursed them upon her foot, and made me break a chair in fits of laughter, which caused an angry remonstrance from Mamma, an exclamation from Alice, and a growl from Jessie, which was the cause of the whole party breaking up, and retiring to their rooms. Campbell came down from Stanwell, all hair.
Thursday 13th May
Alice's birthday, she has attained this day her nineteenth year. We wrapped up a bottle of grease, wrapped some poetry round it, and gave it to her as a present, at which she was
highly chagrined. After a great deal of fuss, we gave her the work box. Minnie and Mrs H. went away.
Friday 14th May
The Capes called, asked me to go there tomorrow. Miss Suttor spent the day here, walked with her as far back as the Post Office. Worked at my dress. Campbell taught me Ecarte, and sang some songs.
Saturday 15th May
At ten started off for Mrs Boulton's, where we are to spend the day. Old Uhr came for breakfast this morning. Spent the whole day at the Boulton's. Saw the likenesses of all her seven sisters, very pretty they are. As it was too late to go home we slept there. Mrs B. showed us how clean she had got the kitchen. Went down late at night. Found a frog boiled alive in one of the pots. Alice threw it at Mrs B., she screamed, I joined, Alice laughed. Mr B. came down with the poker and stick. Alice soon explained the cause of the confusion, by throwing it at him. General confusion, which ended in the poor frog being hung
up over the fire, with his legs out to frighten the old nurse when she came down for the gruel. After eating biscuits and drinking wine, went to bed. Mrs B. today gave Alice a beautiful brooch, as a present, and me a splendid enamelled locket.
Sunday 16th May
Rose early, saw the sun rise, and felt the bitter coldness of a winter's morning. After breakfast started for home, and in arriving there, set off with Mamma and Jessie to Bourke Street, Surry Hills, to hear Mr Binney preach. The church was crowded most densely, text was 'The Peace of God, that passeth all understanding'. He preached very well, but with too much action. Read Amy Hamngton. Went to church again in the evening, to the same one, as Mr Cuth-bertson is going to preach there. His text was 'Let your Light, etc'. I like his sermons better than Mr Binney's. He illustrated it more, is more poetical. Came home at ten. Received a letter from Emily and grandpapa. Grandpapa has sent me a book by Mrs Armitage, who is coming out in the Maid of Judah. Ah well.
Monday 17th May
Saw the mail go up the harbour, received letters from all at home. Emily expects to have a similar plaything like Milly, in August. Hope it will be a boy. Tommy came.
Tuesday 18th May
Went to Mrs Logan's. She told us to come on Thursdays at the same time, and then we are to learn theory with a class. Did not get any letters today. Went into German. Miss Suttor asked us to go to Mrs Hay's with her, and she would bring us back at three. Could not go on account of the dancing. Entered into an agreement to write to her when she was away. She is going in three months. Dined in a great hurry and cut my thumb. Went into dancing at seven. Mrs Acutt commenced to teach us the Lancers. Stayed there till after four. Mrs Nugent came. Poured of rain. The Capes called. They asked me to spend Saturday with them. I am so sorry. Read Byron's Mazeppa, and some plays, novels etc. Alice ill tonight, took castor oil.
Wednesday 19th May
Early this morning my cat all of a sudden
rushed about the passage, foaming and banged its head against the cupboard, and then jumped into a box. I coaxed it out, but it remained trembling. Soon after it had another fit, and rushed out of the gate, and has never been seen since. Hope it will come back. It was only this morning I was playing with it, with a bit of straw. But I entertain great hopes of its return. Alice spent the day at the Smith's. Mrs Sparling came. I had to entertain her for more than an hour, much to my annoyance. She is so countrified, and gathers up every bit of scandal that she can, to repeat to her Mother Grundies at Appin. This family will form a topic with her for the next month. But I must not speak against her, I daresay she is a very good person. Mamma received a letter from Dickey. Cat not seen yet. I am afraid it will be a case of 'I never loved a bird or flower etc'. Such is Life, but I don't despair. Cat came back. Fortune favours me. Such is not Life! Mamma and all went out. I left alone. Minnie and Mr Cape called. Made them spend
the evening here. Amused them pretty well. Went away at ten.
Thursday 20th May
Went at ten to Mrs Logan's, where we have arranged to go every Monday and Tuesday morning to learn theory in a class. Stayed from ten till eleven. Mrs Nugent came to dinner and her baby Edith. Afterwards she went out with Jessie, and I had the supreme satisfaction of amusing the little Edith, she is a very well behaved child. Played with my cat, which scratched her. Read Byron's Beppo and Mazeppa. Like the last particularly well.
Friday 21st May
Very cold indeed. Mamma and all went out to Sydney. We went into the German lesson, where Mr Daniel entertained us, and whiled away the time by telling us of what he did in Palestine, where he was a sojourner for thirteen years — of a large tree, under which he and the other gentlemen camped, in fact fourteen tents were pitched beneath its shade. Tradition says that is the tree under which Abraham gave a dinner party to three gentlemen, namely,
feasted the three angels who came to tell him that Sarah should have a child — therefore it is called by the Arabs, Abraham's Tree. It is the only tree remaining. Went out walking on the green. Mamma came home, she has bought us two cloaks, thirty shillings each. More callers. Poured of rain. Read Byron's Morgante Maggiore, The Island, and commenced The Prophecy of Dante. Enjoyed The Island very much. Wish I could get Dante to read. I have wished for it since twelve years of age.
Saturday 22nd May
Beautiful day. Alice and I went to Sydney frpm where we returned at one, after buying a great many things, and being utterly tired out with shopping. Did various things during the afternoon. Alice went to her singing lesson at Mrs Logan's. Minnie Cape came with Miss Spain, and insisted on my going home with them. Was obliged to comply. On the way met Mamma, who said she did not want me to go out, as it was Milly's birthday, but I was forced to go, as Minnie carried me off bodily.
Monday 24th May
Came home early in the morning. Enjoyed myself rather at the Capes, though I never do that anywhere, as I think my home the best of every place. Pouring of rain. A nice wet Queen's Birthday. How many thousands of poor hardworking labourers have risen this morning, anticipating a day's pleasure, and how many will go careworn and sullen to their toil tomorrow disappointed of their annual pleasure! Solitary, as Alice is away at Mrs Boulton's. Poured in torrents. Saw some of the fireworks at Cremorne. Made my silk apron. Commenced Villette by Currer Bell. Very ill with pain in side.
Tuesday 25th May
Went into German, and at two into dancing, where from taking ale at dinner I was very silly, and Mrs Acutt scolded me. Mrs Sparling and Mamma went out walking. Worked at a petticoat. Cut my finger. Jessie and Mamma have had a quarrel and neither speaks.
Wednesday 26th May
Poured in torrents all last night, pouring now; surely the floodgates of Heaven are truly opened! Made many good resolutions during my music, namely to lay down rules for my daily occupation, which by the grace of God I intend to keep. Without His help what could be done. Did various things. Skipped tonight. Worked.
Thursday 27th May
Beautiful morning, but desperately cold, so cold that I can hardly hold the pen between my fingers. Now at seven, shortly after the glorious sun has risen, all Sydney is enveloped in a thick obscure mist, nought can be seen, but one or two gilded spots, which are roofs of houses touched by the sun. But this is downward, let us look upward. All is thick and grey, but suspended in heaven, seemingly away from mankind, pointing upward, hangs a golden cross, glittering in the misty morning, away from all that is earthly. Symbol of Heaven, and of Eternity, oh! how came you there? Is it
a sign to call erring sinners to repentance? Still it hangs, beautiful and pure. The only object the eye sees upward. Now the haze moves slowly away. Coming heat, and later, day dispel the mist, and show the steeple of St James's Church. That accounts for the cross. How beautiful it looked.
From ten to one to theory at Mrs Logan's. Read and did divers things until four, when Alice and I went out walking, down Wooloomooloo, where we purchased a few things. Took a brisk walk for health. Met Mrs Alien and her son, Mr Bayly. Have not succeeded in keeping good resolutions, am allowing myself a little relaxation before I draw out the rules, which orders when once issued before my mind, must and will, (trusting to God's help), be faithfully obeyed. But I must not attempt to say will. No mortal knows his own mind. I cannot tell what today may bring forth. But one thing I am determined and resolved (as far as my feeble nature can resolve) that I must
shake off this idleness, read more intellectual books, and finally become a Savant. Tuner came and tuned the piano. C. sent a firkin of butter from Stanwell. Cow, the disturber of the peaceful inhabitants of Darling Point, taken up the country. Finished
Villcttc. Some parts I like, others I do not. It is too unreal, not like life. It moves in a sphere which I have never seen, so I cannot judge. But I have read others I liked better. Evening beautiful, full moon shining out with its accompanying star. Boys laughing and carriages rolling. Dogs barking and men's hoarse voices resounding from the public house. But all this does not disturb the peaceful scene of evening. That reigns triumphant above all. Gave our dresses to Miss Burnill to make, will not be ready till Tuesday week. Worked, and showed Mrs S. tricks with cards. Went to bed at eleven.
Friday 28th May
The Cross appeared the same again this morning. Splendid misty morning.
Went into German. Mr D. gave us warning that he was going to give a lecture Monday night. Stayed for calisthenics. Mrs Nugent came to dinner. Alice and I went to Sydney. The Rev. Mr. King called. Bought lollipops and oranges. Played whist with Mamma and Mrs Sparling. My side very painful. Mrs Alien asked us all to spend the evening with her tomorrow.
Saturday 29th May
Practised music. Mrs Pinnock came to see Mamma, she noticed how much I had grown. She stayed for dinner. Bought a pair of cheap boots, which burst the minute I put them on. Mrs Boulton came. She asked us to go with her to the Fancy Sale tomorrow, and told us that the christening is to be on Wednesday at half past ten. Went to the Alien's with Mrs Sparling. Mamma and Jessie would not go. Enjoyed myself very much indeed. There were about twenty people altogether. I danced most with Mr Paterson, a very rich squatter, and with Mr Gore. I promised
the latter to put into his raffle tomorrow. Mrs S. says we looked the nicest girls in the room. Came home near twelve. Spent a very pleasant evening, dancing every single dance. Suffered greatly from pain in my side.
Sunday 30th May
Alice and I had an altercation this morning about lollipcps, in which I behaved very badly. It was not so much for the lollipops, it was her manner, that cold, heartless, cruel manner she can assume at times. I love her, and have always loved her, with intense devotion, but she has never returned it to me. Oh no! Moments when one single kind word would have turned me, would have laid me at her feet, those moments she has dashed away with coldness and neglect. She has no sympathy with me. Where there is no sympathy, there can be no love. I sympathize with her. Why does she not with me? She never enters into any of my prospects, never listens when I talk to her. I would not let her know
for worlds I cared for her. I always tell her the contrary. In younger days she might have conquered me, but now her unkindness has ruined me.
Monday 31st May
Mr Rogers called. I went over to Mrs Logan's. Mr Sparling came. Very affectionate meeting between the pair. Hart and Hany are happy now. Sent our bonnets to Madame Ponder on Saturday to get trimmed, and Mde P. promised to have them ready that night, but they have not yet arrived. Sent in Elizabeth for them, she returned and said Mde Ponder was very rude, and said she would not have them ready before one. At one we are going out, so if they do not come, I do not know what we shall do. We have not others. Sent in Hannah, who brought back the message that they would positively be done by two. Jessie went with Mrs Pen-nington, and Mr Sparling with Mr Rogers. The omnibus came from Darling Point, with all the Boulton family inside, and stopped waiting for us. We sent out Elizabeth to say we were waiting
for our bonnets. Mrs B. said she was sorry, and the omnibus drove on. All are gone, but we have not despaired yet. If our bonnets come Mr Sparling will take us to the Gardens, where we will join Mrs B. Sent in Hannah again for them, and finally she brought back the death blow to our hopes, that they would not be finished until seven. Mr Sparling went off, and we must be perfectly resigned. We were all ready waiting, just to pop our bonnets on. It is a great disappointment, and more so, because we had promised several gentlemen at the party to put into their raffles. But it must be borne with. Mr McArthur came. Stayed for tea and spent the evening here.
Jessie won a pincushion at the Bazaar. Our bonnets never came. Mde Ponder shall be treated as she deserves.
Tuesday 1st June
The day of our year has passed, perhaps of our life. 'Sweet, sweet May', in England but not in the antipodes. Went into German, stayed for callisthenics. Our quarter-dancing ended today. Very sorry,
for I was just beginning to improve. We have only had one quarter. Mrs Pinnock dined here. She asked us to accompany her to the Bazaar, which we were of course, most delighted to do, and as our bonnets have at last arrived, we are quite ready. Started with four shillings to spend. Put into several raffles, but lost every one. I put into a shilling lottery and got a scent spray, and a mask. It was a very poor show. Saw some people I knew there. Worked at sleeves. Read Sardanapalus, Heaven and Earth, and The Two Voscari,
Wednesday 2nd June
Beautiful day. Started early to go to Mrs B., as this is the grand christening day. Went to Mrs B., where after some waiting we proceeded on the way to church. There we were met by the Smiths and soon after, all being arranged, the ceremony commenced. It is a solemn ceremony, the blessing of the child, and the accepting of it into the arms of the Church. After returning, and chatting in the drawing room, Tchi Tchi Isaacs came, and finally the last guest, Mr
McArthur, arrived, and dinner was served up. The viands were very good, and all passed off very well. The large christening cake was most admired, with its large roses curling up the sides. I cut off one to keep. George William, the hero of the day was brought in, of course, to see and be seen and after a good deal of laughter and talking we adjourned. The evening was spent very pleasantly, going down and walking on Carthona Beach. It reminded me of old times when, dinner done, we walked on the beach, Emily, Milly, Alice walking up and down, talking of the Present and of the Future, while I, not caring then for dry talk, would run and run by their side or gather shells. But not to return back too far, it called to mind the happy days with the Bradleys, where every day from two till four,
we met on the beach, and danced and laughed with careless glee, sometimes tired out with wild play, we would take each other's arm, send Alice off, and Minna and I would stroll up and down talking of various subjects. But it is all past now, and of no use thinking about.
Slept at the Boulton's with Tchi Tchi.
Thursday 3 June
Came home early. Went to music. Mrs Pinnock came, she intends staying here. Was very idle in the afternoon.
Friday 4 June
Went into German. Carrie came in to see Mrs P., but she was out. Asked her to stay for dinner, but she is coming tomorrow instead. Mrs P. is always talking about her dear George, and says to me, 'Oh, I wish I could pack you up, and take you off to Bathurst.' And 'I shall always treat George's wife as my own daughter.' And is always praising him up, saying he is such a dear fellow. I think she has a motive in it all.
Saturday 5th June
Carrie Suttor came early to pass the day. Mrs Wise and Emily Manning came to dinner. Mrs W. told us the typhus fever is raging everywhere about Sydney. The whole of the Forbes family have it, and are gone off to Parramatta. Mrs W. is in a great fright. After dinner C. Suttor and us went down and bought some lollipops. Then went
and asked Annie Hodgson to come and drink tea with us. Then went to Tchi Tchi's to come also, and favour us with her company, which also was assented to, then came home. Annie and Tchi Tchi came, had great fun. Mrs Pinnock made herself very agreeable, and was the fun of the whole party. They appeared to enjoy themselves very much. Carrie slept here.
Sunday 6th June
Cold morning, went to church, left Carrie there. Heard a very good sermon. Mr and Mrs Windeyer in our pew. Beautiful day. Felt very ill the rest of the afternoon, sat around the fire, and was much amused by Mrs Pinnock. She is a very nice person. Went to St John's and heard a very good sermon, by Mr Rogers. Saw Etta Smith and Jack Lamb. Sat talking till eleven, then went to bed.
Monday 7th June
This morning, Mrs Pinnock saw in the papers the arrival of her son and daughter-in-law, by the Centurion from England, which delighted her. She started off immediately after breakfast to see them.
Practised music then went to Mrs Logan's. The Manns came. They stayed till four. Felt very miserable and ill. Went out walking with Alice, and met Mr Rolleston, who walked home with us. Read and wrote letters.
Tuesday 8th June
Went into German. Passed the day in various ways.
Wednesday 9th June
Mrs Pinnock came. Saw Carrie, went out walking. Began to write a Code of Rules for my Present and Future Conduct. My opinion is that one's self is a very hard and difficult
thing to govern, that it is necessary to have certain rules, at which one must look every day and determine to keep.
Thursday 10th June
Went to Mrs Logan and was very stupid. The rest of the day occupied in writing letters. Yesterday the 9th, the mail arrived the very day it was due. The postman brought us all the letters, and we were happy to see by them that all were well. Mrs Armitage has also arrived in the Maid
of Judah, and we are anxiously expecting her to call. Tchi Tchi Isaacs came to ask us to spend the evening there on Saturday, which we intend doing. Mrs Pinnock and Mrs Wise called. Mr Phillip P. and his wife also paid us a visit. Very tired from writing letters all day. Worked at a petticoat. Jessie perfectly dreadful. Mamma threatening to send her from the house. There is no reason Mamma should keep her, she gets over £100 a year, and never pays Mamma a penny.
Friday 11th June
Beautiful morning, but very cold. Tchi Tchi came to ask Carrie, but unfortunately the latter could not come, as she is already engaged. What a pity! Went into German. Carrie thinks she will give it up. Went out to Miss Burnill about the dresses. Mrs Sparling and Miss O'Brien paid us a visit. I do not like Miss O'B. very much. She appears a vulgar girl. Mrs Nugent dined here. Mr and Mrs P. Pinnock called. Mrs Wise came. She is going to a dinner party and will sleep the night here with her husband. Wish we could see Mrs
Armitage, as we want to hear about those in England. Mrs Wise came and dressed here. Wrote a scolding to Dickey for writing in the papers. Felt a great headache, very tired and sleepy. Obliged to sit up for Mrs Wise till eleven, when after talking, a little laughing, we retired to bed. Worked at a petticoat, and finished it. Read nothing.
Saturday 12th June
A most splendid morning, the sun lighting up and warming all that dull night had made cold and gloomy. Determined this day to write out my Rules, which I keep so long about
that I am afraid something might come and take them all out of my head. Wrote and worked in the little room, which now I have made my study. Posted a letter to Dickey. Mrs Wise went away with Jessie. Went to the Isaacs' at six, remained there till eleven. Miss Thompson was there. Enjoyed ourselves very much.
Sunday 13th June
Rose at seven. Went to St Mark's, heard a pretty good sermon, text was out of the Gospel,
'And they all with one accord, began to make excuses'. I am certain Mr McArthur preached that very same sermon two years ago, for I remember the termination, 'Watch what I say unto you all, Watch!' Rainy day, arrived home just in time to escape a shower, which caused a great many Sunday people to hop and caper through the street. It was then that lovers shewed their kindness and disinterestedness by exposing themselves to the rain, or wrapping a clean silk handkerchief (a Sunday one, bought for the occasion) round their darling's bonnet. Commenced a discourse upon the XVI Ch. of St Mark, but could not finish it on account of dinner bell ringing, when after having regaled the body upon roast mutton and batter pudding, I regaled the mind upon most essential food for it, a sermon. Alice sang hymns, joined in, but could not go on, on account of pain in the chest. Read Guthrie's The City, its Sins and Sorrows. An admirable book. It called us to do something for the poor, and inveighed
in strong terms against the sin of drink excesses, representing many cruel and afflicting occasions to which this passion has given vice. Finished Guthrie's work. It contains four sermons. Retired at nine.
Monday 14th June
Rose at seven. Tried to keep to the rules which I have laid down, and partly succeeded. After breakfast, went to music, and thence to Mrs Logan's, where I was very stupid indeed. Jessie came home. We met Mrs Boulton, who asked us to go there on Wednesday. Also met Tchi Tchi Isaacs, who asked us to come to the lecture this afternoon. Mrs Wise called. Took Jessie away much to our gratification. Rainy afternoon. Did not got to lecture. Read out aloud
to Mamma some of the Lives of Eminent Englishwomen, amongst that of the Countess of Desmond, who lived till she was 140 years, and the way she came by her death was as comic as it was violent. She would climb up a nut-tree to gather nuts, and this frisky old woman fell down and broke her rib, which brought on a fever, which
brought death. In the year she died, being in great want, the Earl of Desmond, having neglected to pay her the annual pension, she walked all the way from Bristol to London, accompanied by her daughter, who, (it says) being too decrepit to walk as far as her mother, was obliged to ride in a cart. This remarkable old girl cut two rows of teeth. Went to bed at ten.
Tuesday 15th June
Pouring of rain all day. Went to Mrs Arnold's. Mr Daniels praised me. He asked when the examination is to come off, but Carrie said she did not think there was going to be one. I would not like my German exercise book to be looked into, as it is full of scribbling between Carrie and me. All the afternoon sat upstairs reading. Jessie came home in the Wise's carriage, in the pouring wet. Watched all the pupils next door going to their respective homes. Worked at an antimacassar, which I began in 1856, and left off, and never finished it. A melancholy instance of my dilatoriness. Mamma read Henry VIII to us aloud, while we
worked. She intends going through Shakespeare.
Wednesday 16th June
Nothing of importance occurred this morning. After dinner, went again to my reading. Jessie brought Mrs Nugent. They went away afterwards. As it threatened rain, did not go to the Boulton's. Jessie returned, announcing her arrival by a voice as if the house would tumble down in knocking and singing, to our great disappointment. After tea, Mamma read Richard HI. Jessie not wishing to hear Mamma reading, sat at the piano and made a most squalling horrid noise until ten. When we went to bed, she came and sat over by the fire, like a witch, and was there for hours while all the peaceful inhabitants were fast asleep.
Thursday 17th June
Went to Mrs Logan's, nothing occurred during the afternoon. Tchi Tchi came to ask us to a party at her house tonight, if it does not rain. At six we were all dressed, waiting for the rain to stop, it poured in torrents, so we must give up all hopes of
going. Settled down at last, very much disappointed, and worked at crochet. Mamma reading Shakespeare. Went to bed at ten.
Friday 18th June
Went into German. This is the day the holidays commence. All the girls in great excitement, as to who should be first or second. Mr Daniels took his leave of us for a month, hoping that we would do plenty for him in the holidays. And so we all took leave. Were kissed and left. Alice and I walked on the Sandy Hills, and saw a most beautiful prospect, but the best sight was the most perfect view of the Barracks. We stayed there a long time, delighted with the fresh air, the Barracks and everything. As it was just dusk, we saw the bugler blow his bugle, and sound the bugle calls, which appeared so beautifully resounding over the place, then we saw portion of the band march up and down rolling the drums, while all the guard turned out, and then they stopped just where they had begun. But how dreadful it is to think of us, never having been here
when the 77th were here, how I should have liked to have watched them then! Hearing suddenly our names called from behind we turned round, and there saw Minnie Cape panting up the hill after us. We stopped and talked with her for some time. (Cruel creature, to disturb the delightful reverie in which I had fallen, everything in view before mine eyes, forgetting I was a stupid dependant girl, and fondly imagining I was a gay and happy soldier.) We soon met Thereza, who asked us to go and stay till Monday. I do not like the idea at all.
Saturday 19th June
Walked down to Miss Burnill about our dresses, met the Miss Reids, who jumped across a wall of mud to see us, then went straight on to Mrs Boulton, to whom Alice gave ten mats. Mrs B. pressed us to stay for dinner, which we
did, and came home in the omnibus. Her cousins, the For-sters, were there. Alice went to her singing. I wrote to Tommy and Campbell, telling them we were quite ready to go
up the country. Did not go to the Cape's this evening.
Sunday 20th June
Went to church. Walked there with the Dowlings and Mr Gore. Very good sermon. In the afternoon Tchi Tchi came to see us, and we made an appointment to go out walking with her tomorrow. Mrs Pinnock came, stayed for tea. A storm of lightning and thunder, wind and rain, so we could not go to church. Mrs P.'s dear son George came to take her home at eleven. Went to bed at twelve. Discontinued until
Saturday 26th June
during which time we have spent Tuesday and Wednesday at the Boultons, and on Friday, were asked up by Mr Sparling to see his splendid domain, and amuse ourselves by a fortnight in Appin by staring and being stared at. But when there, we intend taking a trip to Parkhall, also Stanwell, and also to take rides etc. Oh, I think we shall enjoy ourselves greatly! Campbell also came down on Monday last, and brought with him a tin of Stanwell butter, which is certainly very good.
Rose rather late, dreadfully chilly, fingers so cold can hardly hold the pen. Alice scolding downstairs drives every thought out of my head, so goodbye, journal until another time, when I can safely resume my pen without any disturbance on Alice's part.
Wednesday 14th July
This journal has been discontinued since Tuesday 29th during which time we have been at Appin. I will here try to give an account of our journey up, our sojourn there, and our journey down, which I am afraid, will be rather difficult as my memory fails me in the most important facts. I deeply regret being unable to continue this, while in Appin, but I had no opportunity of doing so. To commence then without any more preface, we duly prepared ourselves for the coming journey on Monday night, our luggage consisted of two boxes, which were packed and corded all ready for starting next day. But the weather was not propitious to us, day came, but the rain poured in torrents, dark and gloomy was the morning,
but we after having prepared ourselves, were not going to be put off our promised journey by any showers, so having procured a cab, Campbell packed us and himself in it, and having said adieu, we started on our expedition. When in the cab, Campbell deeply regretted having acceded to our wishes, for the mud was standing hillocks high, the cab literally tumbled to and fro, and certainly our prospects were not very bright. But a wilful man must have his own way, so on we went, and arrived safely at the Sydney Railway Station, where we got into a first class carriage, and were soon flying on our way to Camp-belltown. As far as Parramatta, we enjoyed the company of Mr George Pinnock, who now and then made a few wise remarks, tending to some important fact about the weather, which were at least amusing, if not instructing. Oh, the dull monotony of a railway carriage! On, on you go, puffing, shaking, whistling, until you see the welcome station, which for one minute distracts the attention. The rain kept
on pouring, and we a little disheartened, at last reached the C. station, where we soon entered the ladies' saloon, and sat down wondering, what would become of us next. Mr Sparling had promised to send his carriage, neither he nor his carriage was there, and we were left to our own devices. Long we stayed there, undetermined whether we should go back or not. At last we decided on going to Campbell's Inn, cost what it might. So tucking up our dresses we walked off to the hotel, where after having warmed our frozen limbs and wet clothes by the fire, we felt in a fit state to order in something to eat and make ourselves comfortable. Mrs Campbell came in and informed C. the amusing facts of how many servants she kept, what they did, their respective characters, and lastly how to make pork sausages. I am sorry to say the worthy lady was tipsy. She begged Alice to come and witness the important ceremony, and having led Alice through the tap room, brought her to a table whereon lay the disgusting
apparatus. Taking it up, she commenced to blow it. But this was the climax. Alice's weak nerves could stand it no longer, a laugh escaped her, and turning tail, she ran out of the room. But a splendid dinner made up for those little incidents.
A fresh annoyance arrived. How were we to get to Appin? Go by the mail cart — it was preposterous, no lady went there before, the very idea absurd. Then stay in the inn, till tomorrow. The rooms were comfortable, but the house was full of drunken men. So the former idea was resolved upon. First we went to a room and equipped ourselves in fit travelling dresses, and after tea, were all ready to depart. At eight o'clock Campbell informed us the mail was ready, and he led us to the door. It certainly was an affair. No bigger than a small butcher's cart, drawn by two horses, and capable of only holding four. Surrounded by a crowd of tipsy men, there it stood. But all these difficulties must be surmounted, so consoling ourselves with the very wise reflection ‘What
must be, must be', Campbell placed us in the conveyance, and we started off. The passengers besides ourselves were two. A woman (who knew us very well) and young Tyson. Great respect was of course paid us. The roads were fearful, Campbell and Tyson had to run nearly all the way, the horses kicked, the cart rolled, they jobbed, they stopped. Alice kept her head down, her tongue was chained by fear, now and then an exclamation broke from her lips, but otherwise she was too frightened to speak. Mrs Best kept calling out and crying. 'Oh what would your Mamma say, if she saw ye here?' — 'Sorrow be to the day I set my foot here. Oh when shall I see my babes again?' At every inn we stopped, we were asked most kindly if we would not take a nobbier, only a 'dhrop' just to warm us. Tyson had a rum bottle, which he every now and then took a pull out of, handing it to us, 'p'raps the ladies would take a little', but we most respectfully declined. I liked it all! The danger gave a spicy
feeling and a zest to everything, the calm fresh bush, the lateness of the hour, the dull moonlight, and quiet still trees, contrasted strongly with the scene I was actor in. Heavy horses pulling, panting and jostling up and down, now here, now there, men shouting 'Horses steady! Up boys! Cheery up!' — C. and Tyson running like so many brigands after the cart, wrapped up in thick buttoned coats and heavy slouched hats, the wild scenery all around. The dull leaden moonlight straggling through the clouds, with the dim haze all around, all formed a picture so new and strange that I liked it excessively and thoroughly enjoyed myself.
To shorten the story, we at last arrived safely in Appin at one in the morning. Proceeding to the Parsonage, we succeeded in knocking up its inmates, who came to the door, one in a night cap, and another in a night shirt, but who when told who the untimely visitors were, proceeded to equip themselves in a more human fashion.
We were most kindly welcomed, shewn into our bedroom, and soon lost all remembrance of the scenes we had lately gone through; in the softer and loftier visions of sleep. Next morning we related all our adventures, and as it rained, spent the day indoors. The way we passed our time was thus. In the morning we read novels until dinner, after that meal had taken place, we wandered out to look at some beautiful scene, either by the borders of a river or at some farm, eating the always hospitable and refreshing meal, which the kind small farmers offer with an open welcome gratis. Having asked Tommy to send us over young Stella, we rode to various places. Mr Sparling taught me how to ride, and took me eight miles the first day. He says 'There is no joy without alloy', and this enjoyment was darkened by losing my veil. Next day I rode ten miles, trotting and
cantering the whole way and next day I rode over to Parkhall five miles
accompanied by Alice, who rode on a man's saddle, but Mr S. walked beside her the whole way. We were entertained very hospitably indeed by Tommy at Parkhall, Mrs Byrie had a famous dinner prepared for us. T. has improved the place wonderfully, by adding many additions, and by clearing away the superfluity of bushes which used to surround it. Having passed a night there, we returned next day, to Tommy's and our regret, but we anticipate returning there again at a future period. At length a letter arrived from Mamma stating that we must return the following Tuesday but we postponed it till the next day, when we started in Mr Sparling's conveyance, accompanied by his better half and himself. He treated us to a dinner at the inn, and saw us into the railway, from whence on its starting, he was forced to tear himself away with tears in both their eyes. We felt rather nervous in the train, owing to the terrible accident which occurred on Saturday
wherein two people lost their lives. But we arrived safely at the station, and were joined by Campbell. We then arrived home, finding everybody in good health. The house has been full during our absence, and they have gone away this very day. Lady Forbes, Mrs Wise, Mrs Pinnock, Emily Manning, and Mrs Nugent. Tchi Tchi Isaacs has also taken tea here. We have been away exactly a fortnight and one day.
Thursday 15th July
Very cold. Passed the day in arranging our things, unpacking etc. Lady Forbes came and stayed for tea. ? '"?
Friday 16th July
Lady Forbes went away. Practised my music, found my fingers rather stiff, but soon got them into right tune again. Wrote letter to Dickey. Went to Mrs Boulton's, gave her the gum which we had gathered for her in the country and passed the night there.
Saturday 17th July
Saw a French man-of-war coming in.
A four-and-twenty gun frigate. Left the B.s early, and came home. Mrs Wise called. Also Miss Cooksey, who paid Mamma a quarter's rent, £80. Campbell went to Stanwell. Tchi Tchi came, and asked me to walk out with her, which I did, and enjoyed a pleasant walk. Mrs Mitchell called. Mrs Pinnock spent evening.
Sunday 18th July
Beautiful morning. Saw horse in front kicking up its heels in an extraordinary manner. All started for St Mark's. Met John E. Manning; Mr McArthur preached a very good sermon, adding also some good advice to the young, which was worth remembering. Part of it was, never to indulge in evil thoughts, and to conquer sin, while yet young, as when it becomes old, it becomes incurable. Such is the way with Jessie. Let her be my great warning. Walked home with Mr and Mrs Wmdeyer.
Sunday 25th July
During this time I have been very busy with letters doing various things.
Have entered into a new dancing class at Mrs Acutt's, the class being fifteen girls, and have walked out often with Tchi Tchi. Have also been to the theatre and seen Much Ado about Nothing acted by Brook, and a farce called The Two Bonnycastles, very funny play, and well acted. Went to St Mark's. In the afternoon Mrs Pinnock came.
Monday 26th July
At twelve went to German. Lady Forbes came, is going to stay here till Wednesday. Mrs Pinnock came, went out walking with Mamma. Lady F. with Jessie, and went as far as Sydney with her. Thereza and Miss Jaques called, asked T. to stay the evening. Alice walked home with them, and returned with Mr Cape and Thereza, who spent the evening here. Mrs Pinnock did also. After Jessie and Lady Forbes returned, the former came down in a great state of mind, saying that she had lost her purse, which contained £11 in it, together with her keys and silver pencil case. Great commotion thereupon. The way it was lost, was as follows. Jessie and L.F. were
just turning the corner of King Street, passing the group of men that are always congregated there, when one man rudely pushed up against her, and hurt her knee very much, so that Jessie remarked it to L. Forbes. All the men laughed afterwards, and appeared highly delighted about something. Here it was, she says, that her pocket was picked of its valuable contents. The pocket was invitingly open, so that anybody could easily have put their hand in it. On her information Mr Cape instantly went out and informed the police, two of them called here and after having satisfied themselves with all particulars proceeded on the search. An advertisement was forwarded to the Herald office, stating that two pound reward would be given to any one who would restore the stolen property and all were immediately on the alert. The purse has formed the chief subject of conversation, and will not be forgotten again by either party.
Tuesday 27th July
Jessie's advertisement appeared in this mornings paper, but no information as yet received. Mrs Pinnock came. She spent the day and evening here. Went to Mrs Logan's, was praised by her, which is a most wonderful act on her part.
Wednesday 28th July
Went to dancing with Tchi Tchi, did the lancers, very windy and rainy day. Were asked by Tchi Tchi to attend an evening party on Friday night. She has told us only thirty people will be there, so we will go dressed accordingly. Lady
Forbes went away. Mrs Pinnock spent the evening here. Last night Tommy made his appearance. He made the most tender love to Mrs P.
Thursday 29th July
Very rainy, accompanied with strong gusts of wind, which threatened to blow the house down. Wrote to the Manns to come and spend a few days here. Hope they will come, it will be some change. Lady F. came again with her little grandson,
Frank, of whom she is desperately fond. After amusing him for some time in shewing him all over the house (he is a remarkably quick chap, and will see everything and everybody) she marched off with him to Mrs Dowling's, where she fairly ensconced him for the night. Mrs Pinnock spent the day here also. At four in the pouring rain, off marched Lady F. to Mrs Dowling's to see whether, as Mrs P. says, every hair on Frank's head is straight. She returned saying he was as happy as a king. They spent the evening.
Friday 30th July
Beautiful morning. Mr Elyard sent us in some of his drawings to look at, which are very good. Mrs Dowling came while we were at breakfast and stayed a long time. Saw Tchi Tchi again, and she told me it would only be a small party. Lady F. went away with Frank. In the afternoon various visitors called, amongst them was Mr Uhr. Mrs Logan sent in to say that she was very ill and could not teach us today. Beautiful evening. I will not indulge in
any rhapsody here. I have no time now for such nonsense. About six began to dress for party. Went in a muslin dress with jacket, perfectly plain and simple. Went at eight and returned at one. It was a large ball, with all the officers of the Herald. Tchi Tchi looked so pretty, light and graceful, full of life and youthful activity. Oh that I were like her! Poor I, not a dance did I dance this evening. I did not know a single gentleman there, not one, and was neither introduced to one. Unfortunate evening, everybody was there, and all witnessed my disgrace in not dancing. There I sat looking so stupid, crowds amusing themselves, and poor I never spoke to one. Everybody dancing, and everybody pitying me, seeing a poor stiff wretch never moving from one corner all night. It has disheartened me from parties. Never did I go to one yet but that I danced all the evening. This was a large grown ball. Tchi Tchi and I being the only juveniles. Beautiful Tchi Tchi dancing, hopping, skipping like a
fairy, admired by every one. Oh, that I had never gone, to sit out those five hours of unendurable misery, unnoticed! Oh no! I shall never suffer this again. I will not expose myself to such misery by going anywhere again. One of the midshipman sang that beautiful song by Nussel of the Maviae. After it I was pitied by some, for not having danced. Oh misery! Came home in great anguish. Undressed and went to bed, without saying a word, dreading whether I should be asked how many partners I had. When questioned if I enjoyed the ball, I answered very much. Nothing I hate more, than to be pitied. Oh, how much does there lie beneath a calm exterior! To all eyes I appeared perfectly contented, but all night I was perfectly miserable. It is not that I care one straw for dancing, it is that people thought when they saw me, how uncomfortable I must have been, that now I am looked down upon, I have made no friends. And if I cannot open my lips like other girls do, what will become
of me in future life. Oh! I shall be what Jessie is, no one to comfort me.
Saturday 31st July
Rose with a headache, was asked the dreaded and long expected question, of how many partners I had, buried my head in the bed clothes and answered nothing. Mr Murray breakfasted here. Went off to dancing with Tchi Tchi, who rattled away of the party, and how much she had enjoyed herself. Was taught the Caledonian. A very nice quadrille. Practised music, and felt miserable all day. Went out walking in the afternoon on the Sandy Hills, witnessed the amusing spectacle of two boys fighting, also heard the rolling of the drums. Saw the sunset, delightful evening. Felt myself much invigorated by the fresh air and walk. Read Shakespeare. Troilns and Cressida. Cat mewing.
Sunday 1st August
Sun shining, and just as a Sunday ought to be. Walked to St Mark's, where we heard the new clergymen that is to be,
did not like Mr Richardson at all, he has got such a sing-song voice, after Mr McArthur he is dreadful. The latter gave us his farewell sermon. Most affecting it was, a great many of the congregation were in tears, he blessed us all, gave us good advice, and then said farewell. Poor man, how sorry we are he has gone. Such a kind and good fellow. He is like a perfect jewel to old Richardson. Mamma and Jessie took the sacrament. Read Guthrie. Mrs Pinnock spent the evening here.
Monday 2nd August
Went in the morning to German, where we met Carrie, and teased her the whole time about John E. Manning, who has been paying her great attention. After that went into Sydney with Mrs P. We first went to Mr David Forbes', where we dined and then proceeded on our way to shop accompanied by Lady F. I chose a bonnet for Mamma, bought various other things. Spent the evening at the Forbes', and returned at eight.
Mrs Pinnock then made a most affecting adieu of us all, kissing us and blessing us (as she leaves tomorrow for Bathurst at nine) and then left to finish the few remaining hours with her relatives. After reading etc. went to bed, where after thinking over various subjects I fell asleep.
Tuesday 3rd August
Rose late, was occupied by various affairs till the afternoon. Mr Sparling came. Wanted us to accompany him to the Band, but could not on account of music lesson. Lady Forbes came for dinner. Mr A. Macalister also. He is quite mad, shewed us various specimens of his temper. Went to music. In the evening went to the theatre with Mrs Newington and Mr Sparling. Returned at twelve. The play was remarkably nice, called The Wife — the scenery was very pretty, and a most touching ending. I enjoyed it extremely. The farce was The Retimate Family, which consisted in making people repeat 'Thank goodness, the
table is spread'. In the interim between the tragedy and farce, Miss Julia Matthews performed a medley dance. Very graceful and pretty. Had supper when we returned, which lasted till twelve o'clock as therefore we could not go to bed till rather early.
Wednesday 4th August
Very tired from last night's indulging. Had to start off at nine to dancing class. Alice went to practise duets with Mrs Pinnock. Saw Tchi Tchi and went out walking with her to the Boulton's, where we had some muscatel. Returned very late.
Thursday 5th August ••
Saw in the papers that the long expected Victoria had at last arrived in Melbourne, and would be here soon. Unfortunately the mails had not been transhipped on board the London, very great mistake. At present we have only just a few scraps of little news. The Megaera arrived at Singapore on the 21st May so Alice expects to hear from him. The Duncan Dunbar arrived
at Plymouth on the 14th May so we expect to hear from them. Rainy and cold. Received a letter from Minnie Mann, inviting us to go over there. Went out walking with Tchi Tchi. Left some books at Mrs Pinnock's. Were caught in the rain. Tchi Tchi and I passed Jessie in the verandah, who very much offended the former by screaming out as she passed, 'Strangers! always taking the house by storm!' Poor Tchi Tchi blushed and I am sure Mrs Isaacs will never let her come here again.
Friday 6th August
Saw the mail steamer go up the harbour while at German. Expected the letters all day. Had a toothache so did not accompany Alice to Mrs Logan's. Sat at the window, watching for the postman, at six saw him come up the street pursued by a number of people for letters. He rushed for safety into a grocer's shop, which was instantly filled with people clamouring for letters. Clearing himself of these, he bounded over the
green to our house, where with a great deal of excitement (not to be equalled to ours), he delivered the letters. After having carried them to Mamma, and she having put on her spectacles,'and composed herself by the fire, we looked at the letters, and proceeded to open them. But to Alice's great sorrow, no letter from Mr Dauncey. He has not written, very strange. All the rest is good news. Campbell came down the country — sat up reading the letters till late.
Saturday 7th August
Went to dancing, tore a hole in my dress, which Mrs Billyard kindly mended. Passed the day in various matters.
Sunday 8th August
Went to St Mark's, heard Mr Richardson preach his text was 'My peace I give unto you etc.' and it was a very good sermon, but his delivery spoilt it. Went to the Boulton's, could not stay, and arrived home just in time for dinner. At three o'clock, went with Tchi Tchi, to the Sunday School, where we intend taking a class. When there
were introduced to Mr Cook, who gave us each a class, and instructed us what to do. Stayed there till four, saw Carrie Suttor, when we came out. Mamma and Jessie went to Mr Cuthbertson's. Read Guthrie, like it very much.
Monday 9th August
Rose very late. After breakfast suffered from a very violent toothache, which compelled me to lay down for more than an hour. The pain was frightful and made me feel dreadfully weak. Went to German, where I could not do much. Read until four, when Tchi Tchi came to ask us out walking. The Capes came, which delayed us for a long time, so therefore we enjoyed but a small walk. The new servant, Sarah Gillies, came today, the other two leave tomorrow. Jessie as usual offended Tchi Tchi, and made her feel very ill. Received a letter from Dickey.
Sunday 15th August
Went to church. Mr Richardson preached a very good sermon. The matter was good, but his delivery was shocking. Rather hot, read until dinner. At three went to the Sunday School, where I was given a class of shocking
little boys as a permanency. They are so naughty. How can I manage eleven little fellows? Began to rain. Had a dreadful toothache all the afternoon. Mamma and Jessie went to St John's. Read Guthrie, Jessie and Alice quarreling. Oh, how my ears ache with the continual bickering! How long is this to last? How long are we to suffer?
Monday 16th August
Rather cold. Suffered from toothache and deafness, the latter of which, I could in no way get rid of. At twelve went to German. Mamma and Jessie went to Sydney. Also Mamma left her card at Mrs Isaacs's, and visited others. Mrs Isaacs had a daughter on Friday morning last 13th August at three o'clock. Mrs Milford called. Went out walking with Tchi Tchi. Bought lollipops, and went into a narrow lane, and divided them. Met Mr Hodgson. Also met Mr Murray, and ran a race with him on the pavement. Tore all the braid on my dress. Bowed to Mrs Billyard. Two gentlemen took off their hats to Tchi Tchi. Finally returned when it was quite dark.
Tuesday 17th August
Rose early, practised music. Saw the mail steamer steaming up the harbour, screamed
with joy. The postman rang, was received with raptuous applause, tore the letters from his hands. Alice went into a screaming fit at seeing a packet from Kate, and actually hit me in her joy at seeing three letters in Philip's handwriting. Tore open their covers and devoured their contents. Kate has sent Alice her journal, which she kept on board, and to me two letters, also Alice B. has sent me a letter and four pencil sketches of icebergs and a sketch of her own little self, while Minna has sent me nothing. Three letters from Mr D. that is good. In a long time, I was denied the pleasure of reading them, but at last the favour was granted to me, and I read them. In my opinion they are very sensible affectionate letters, they might be better, if they contained more news. But love letters never do. He relates the death of poor Col Stratton, from the excessive heat, and of several of his men, women and children. Cholera is also raging. Rec'd also letters from all our relations. All quite well. Mrs Alien sent up to know if we had heard from Mr D. Went to Mrs Isaacs's,
walked in the garden till quite dark with Tchi Tchi, as she was not well enough to go out walking. They go to the theatre tonight. All the evening pored over the letters, reading Kate's journal, which is most highly amusing, making us laugh at various things she mentions. Went to bed at ten.
Wednesday 18th August
Nothing particular occurred to be written or noticed. Missed Thursday, not that it disappeared from the week, but from this page.
Friday 20th August
This is the fatal day of the dreadful wreck, and the cold winds which rushes through nook and cranny reminds me painfully of the fearful event which marks the day. In the morning went to German. Felt very ill all day. Went down to Sydney with Alice to purchase a pair of white shoes for her light feet to chase away the giddy hours in, as she goes to a large party at the Macarthy's. At eight Jessie and Alice departed for the ball. Strange to give a ball this night, the anniversary of the cruel
wreck! Went au lit at ten.
Saturday 21st August
Alice in great glee, and high delight, enjoyed herself extremely. When am I to get out? Her old beau F. Stephen was there, and danced with her. Poor Jessie did not dance a single dance. Practised my music. Mrs Wise called, left Audrey here to stay till Monday. Emily's old nurse came to see Mamma. Beautiful evening, so fresh and delightful. Read over dear Kate's letters. They are a source of great happiness to me, to read those kind words expressed in a kindly spirit. Doubly precious are they to me in their shortness. They are but a few words, but yet they are kindness. Oh! I love Kate, and shall always 'Though fortune frown or false friends betray' etc. But now comes a painful subject. Minna my first long loved friend, what change has come over you? No letters to read and ponder over. I shall remember it always. It is not your fault, it is another's. Mrs Alien called yesterday. Spoke very much in favour of Mr Dauncey. I hope all she
says will prove true. Discontinued till
Sunday 29th August
Minnie Mann has been staying here, which has prevented me from writing. Felt very ill during the week, with my head. Obliged to take medicine three times a day. Beautiful day. Did not go to church. But read service at home, and looked over lessons for Sunday School. My head is thick, I can remember nothing to write down. I feel as if I would give anything for some fresh air on the shores of dear old Carthona. Saw all the people coming from the various churches. Mamma and Jessie came home. One o'clock chimed. At two went to Sunday School. Returned at five. I feel now quite disheartened with my class. I am actually disappointed of all my hopes. .Today my class was greatly increased, with all the bad children of the school. Mr Crox-ton placed them all under me, and they are perfectly incorrigible. None can read, so they can learn nothing for next time. I cannot read to them, for they will not listen.
All is in vain, all my hard studying for them this morning was useless. But I must not return. This is only a stumbling block in my path. I must labour to remove it. Help me Lord, aid me in this undertaking. Oh I am very much disheartened. Lift up my spirits and help me in this work. A Mr Hassell delivered a lecture to the children, which was very interesting. The evenings are quite long now. It is six o'clock and yet perfectly light. A sign of summer. I am sorry the heat is approaching. We are to meet in the vestry of St John's every Friday at four o'clock. There we are to decide on the future arrangements for teaching these refractory children. I hope there will be some means opened. At six had an early tea, and went to Congregational Church, where we had a very nice pew and heard an excellent sermon from Mr Cuthbertson, who preached upon music. He said that tune was born in every man, and he as usual illustrated it with beautiful similies. He showed how music was used in the Bible, mentioning that beautiful passage 'And
when the world was launched into being, the morning stars sang together for joy.' I returned, much edified, at ten.
Monday 30th August
Rose early. Studied for Mr Daniels. At eleven went to music, where we stayed until twelve. Then went to German. Saw Carrie, and teased her about John Edie Manning. Lady Forbes came, intends staying here. Studied after dinner. Various things according to rule laid down. Mr Darvall returned music book. A brickfielder — what we will have to experience working every day in summer. Dust flying about in all directions, heat insupportable. Did not go out walking. Lady Forbes amused us with various anecdotes, which she is full of.
Tuesday 31st August
Cold but not unpleasant. Mr Langley (surveyor) came to see Campbell. Went out walking with Tchi Tchi, met Mrs Alien, who asked us to spend Saturday with her, which we agreed to do. Read Queens of Scotland all the evening. New servant, rejoicing in the dignified title of Bridget. Came as successor to Elizabeth, who to our very great sorrow is
leaving us, intending to follow the fate of all women and marry.
Wednesday 1st September
Saw the arrival of the Speedy, which contains likenesses from England. Went to dancing. Mamma went to Mrs Alien's, to ask them to take Alice to the Taylor's ball, which takes place tonight. Mrs Alloway offered. Mamma then went to the Boulton's, where she remained till evening. Tchi Tchi came to see us. Alice dressed for the ball, and Jessie and she went off in different carriages. Beautiful evening
Summer has now commenced, which is a great pity. How quickly the months fly away! In four more Sundays it will be October, and then in two more months my delightful reign of fifteen will be ended, and I will be actually sixteen. I am sorry to be so old.
Friday 10th September
Being very busy all the intervening days could not write. Tommy and Campbell have come down during the week, and we have been very busy writing letters home. I hope I will be able still to continue this journal. I am getting very idle. Tchi Tchi and
I went to the Boulton's, we walk together every evening. Slept at the Boulton's all night, but remained awake till two o'clock in the morning talking of all sorts of subjects.
Saturday llth September
Came away from the B.'s very early, as we had to hurry to go to dancing lessons. Got there rather early, considering, was taught the varsovienne, came away at eleven. Heard that one of the Denison's children was dead. Audrey Wise came. In the afternoon studied German. Actually forgot to say my prayers this morning. All this week I have been unable to study or do anything, feel very sorry to think I have been so idle, and have not improved a bit this week. I hope I will overcome all idleness. Must leave off as I have to go to look over my clpthes for tomorrow. Read Shakespeare, and a novel which Lady Forbes lent Mamma, called Moss Side.
Sunday 12th September
All went to church. Mr Richardson preached
a pretty good sermon. Very hot. I went to Sunday School. All classes mixed so that new arrangements have been made. I had a class today, of all my best children, the bad ones being taken out, so I got on pretty well. Came home with a lighter heart than on any other Sunday. Went with Tchi Tchi to her house. Sat down in the garden for a long time, came home at six, and found all at tea. None of us went to church, as Mamma did not feel well, and disliked the wind which raged at that time. Read Guthrie, went to bed after having a fight with Audrey, seeing who could knock each other down.
Saturday 18th September
How strange it is of me, never to be able to keep up this journal, as I always used to do. It is because I have so much more to do, and if I was doing what I ought to do, I should not be writing now. But it is all because I cannot rise early enough in the morning to write then. This last week has been spent in lessons in the day and in walking out with Tchi Tchi, which I have done every evening.
Last night also A. and I spent the evening at Mrs Isaacs's. Went to dancing as usual. Alice went to see Miss Throsby's wedding with Thereza Cape, she said it looked very nice. Miss T. was married in St John's. They also saw the procession from the church to Mrs Billyard's. All the Iris officers were there. Mamma went out, bought a pair of shoes at Evans'. Wrote in the afternoon. Was very idle. Did not practise music, shocking behaviour. Rather hot but very nice. Saw a man thrown, interesting spectacle. The Smiths came, stayed here a long time, invited us to spend the day there on Wednesday week.
Sunday 19th September
Felt very tired this morning. Went to St Mark's, where we arrived so early, that we interrupted a most interesting spectacle, that of the christening of Mrs H. Mort's baby, but not being in any humour to remain impassive spectators of the scene, we remained outside, until the arrival of some of the congregation who went in, decided us in our movements. We went in, but not a bit too late, for they were all coming out, and we
knowing every one, had to shake hands incessantly with a line of friends ranged up along
the aisle like so many soldiers to let us pass. Annie Hodgson was there. The sermon was a very good one, with but one drawback, that of the voice of the preacher, which was very drawling. Having returned home, we dined, and at three o'clock went to our classes at the Sunday School. My children, I am happy to say, behaved admirably, thanks be to God for it. I gave three of them as many picture cards, and came away rather tired at four. After having tea, we started for the Congregational Church, and heard a very good sermon, delivered by Mr Beazely. Very warm indeed.
Monday 20th September
No mail in yet, or any appearance of one either, hope even begins to leave us. We are quite tired of expecting, day after day. A fresh disappointment arrives. Went to music and German, which occupied us until one, when we dined. The reigning spirit of evil returned today, and announced her arrival by a loud and ringing pull at the bell, a violent
scolding of all the servants, and a torrent of abuse to any one who came near her. Read and wrote until four when Tchi Tchi came for me to go out walking. The day is intensely hot, a violent hot wind blowing and the middle of summer has to all appearances already arrived. Woe to us, for we have no cool dresses, nor money to buy any. Went with T. to the King's, as she had to ask them to join in a subscription for a font at St John's. Went also to Mrs Martindale's for the like purpose, stayed there till past six, and was given flowers by Miss Smith. Read and worked till ten. The heat is something terrific — we are actually being calmly roasted by a baking hot wind, to add to which evil the dust is blowing in a cloud, enough to blind one. And this is the beautiful Australian weather, which people who know nothing about the country speak so much of. Let them experience this and then give their opinion! It is like those who visit and stay a month in Sydney and then go home and say they have been to the colonies.
Tuesday 21st September
Still very warm. Slept on a piece of Miss Throsby's wedding cake. But dreamt no important dream. Do not believe in
the saying at all — never did — Did French with Mamma, bill came from Foss, we are pursued for money everywhere. Not a penny of money anywhere, and bills all around us. Obliged to keep up appearances, but oh! with what poverty have we to strive! At three went to Tchi Tchi's, and after staying there some time we went out walking. Tchi Tchi went for the same purpose as yesterday, down to Pott's Points to the Hillyer's, then to the Long's, then to the Dowling's, met Mr Rolleston, and walked through the park gates with him, went also to the King's and lastly to the Husband's, where we remained a long time. Mended gloves all the evening. Very hot, quite unbearable.
Wednesday 22nd September
No mail in yet, how tiresome! Went to dancing class, was obliged to go in a winter's dress, very hot. Alice went to play duets with Mrs P. Pinnock. At two went to Sydney,
and ordered summer bonnets at Mde Ponder, also left my gold brooch at Jaques' to be mended. That was all the business we did, having no money to buy anything more. Began to rain. Went out walking with Tchi Tchi, went to Broadhurst's, and down to the very bottom ,of Wooloomooloo, came back at six. Beautiful moonlight, the air much cooler, but still very warm. Oh! for one breath of cool Carthona air, which used so to refresh us after having taken a run round the green, or when at night after one of these hot windy days, tired and wearied out, we used all to sit at the dining room window, waiting for the S. wind to blow, then what a rush, what a scramble to get out, and what a glorious run we would have chasing each other round! Ah, then we were happy, at least I was, always looking forward into a bright future every day I thought would bring us more happiness. But here we suffer anxiety and care, we have to struggle through a hard world, with nothing. If we had only money, I might say, we would be very happy, for money brings
everything with it. Friends, position, everything but happiness, and that a contented mind could always have. I must leave off, my hand is so tired, I can write no more. The other day I got my arm injured which has weakened it very much.
Thursday 23rd September
Practised my music, then went to Mrs Logan's, where we stayed until one. Tommy came down from the country, very glad to see him. Read and studied till four, when we dressed and went to the Bible Meeting. These meetings are very interesting. There are about nineteen grown up persons attending. We have a paper on which the passage which is to be studied is marked out. Mr Croxton opens and closes the meeting with prayer. Thus we hear the Bible explained. A little dog came in during the time, and began to scratch itself dreadfully, could not help laughing. Walked down to Potts Point with Tchi Tchi, came home when quite dark. Mamma spent the evening at Mrs Milford's. While I am writing Tommy is amusing himself and others, by playing various tunes upon the
piano. All the ear in this family appears to have gone to the boys. Commenced to think how wretched to have no money coming in anywhere, nor any chance of any. How maddening is this poverty! Clear, beautiful evening. The cooling south breeze bringing loving reminiscences with it, of Carthona and of those we love on earth, away in a distant land. How insupportable will it be to pass through a heavy Xmas with no one to cheer us. Darkness, darkness everywhere not a bright ray to dispel the gloom. My heart has got a load on it, which nothing can remove.
Friday 24th September
Went to German. Mr Daniel much displeased with Carrie Suttor. At three Alice and I started for Mrs Boulton's where we were met by Tchi Tchi, who stayed the night. We all three slept together in one bed.
Saturday 25th September
Started very early for home, as I have to go to dancing. Paper said this morning, that the mail had been seen off Port Philip H. Joy thereupon. Hurry, hurry to dress for dancing. Ran down at ten, was there before Tchi Tchi. Mrs Mereweather asked me to go to her house. Tommy
sent out a basket of loquats. Feasted on them. Played music. After dinner wrote a letter to Dickey and studied German. In the evening, Jessie and Tommy went to the theatre to
see the play of Richard III. Oh, that play, it has been my ambition to see it, but we have no money to waste. Read Life of Queen Mary, compared all her trials for money with ours, and saw how insignificant ours were compared to hers. Entertained the idea of writing a tragedy on Queen Mary. Went to bed early.
Sunday 26th September
Oh, how quickly the days do fly away! I never felt time fly so rapidly as it does now. Rose very late. Did not go to church, as our bonnets we ordered at Mde Ponders have never arrived, and our old ones are too dirty to appear in. Saw all the people going to St Johns's. Read service at home and Tommy read the lessons. At three went to Sunday School, where my class was increased to twelve. Not so good as last Sunday, and I am not satisfied with the success. I am afraid they do not get on. Mr Croxton delivered a short sermon to the children and teachers which lasted half an hour. Returned at five. Watched
all the people, some with wives, others with lovers. Here on this road, may be seen the various stages of human life, young children with their various friends trotting home chatting and laughing in all childish glee. Turning from these we see youths just emerging from childhood into manhood. Again we find youthful lovers, the tender swain pressing his sweetheart's hand, and the other all smiles and blushes, for to them it is the happiest moment in their lives. From them we see a pair, a husband and wife, perhaps in the first days of hymeneal happiness, or perhaps just verging on the border of the grave. Then we see, perhaps, a middle-aged father surrounded by happy children, the mother carrying the baby, taking altogether their weekly Sunday walk. Turning again perhaps we encounter a once happy father, now walking with his solitary little one, dressed in the deepest mourning, sorrowing for the loss of his beloved wife; or we may meet with a broken-hearted stricken widow, surrounded by numerous children taking their lonely walk overwhelmed with
bitter reminiscences. And not unfrequently do we see a dark and heavy funeral rolling with stately misery, through crowds of laughing people who carelessly mock it with out one moment's thought of when they shall fit that empty box.
Sunday 3rd October
What! Again have I missed a whole week! What can be the cause of my dilatoriness? I cannot write as I used to do. All this week what have I done, let me look back to the past events. What a retrospect have I here. Days spent in idleness, sheer idleness. Nothing have I studied, read not a book, have not improved my mind in one little jot, a whole seven days wasted, what account can I render on the great day for those 158 hours spent in apathy. What shall I do? I am losing my mind. Everything is fading from me. My thirst for learning is gradually dying. It is that my mind is miserable. I do net feel well. The physical as well as the bodily mind is troubled. My thoughts are engrossed with one subject and that subject is stirring all the members of this house. Poverty has now
fallen upon us in earnest. Times are hard, we have not enough to clothe and feed us, oh, how fallen stricken are we! We cannot live in Sydney and Mamma has decided upon living at Parkhall. Oh, the thought is horrible! It affects me, so that I can do nothing. If necessity compels us to banish ourselves away from the world, if it must be done we must submit. But oh! the thought is maddening to think of being banished away from all society, to leave friends down here, whom we cherish, to leave our Sunday School teaching, in fact to leave everything to live in mournful loneliness. Is this my brilliant future that I have always pictured to myself, is this the life, I, in my boundless ambition have drawn out? Am I in all the exuberance of youth, at the expanding age of sixteen, when all the faculties open, when the mind is formed and receives impressions, which never can be effaced, when my soul is overflowing with love and romance, when all around me appears beautiful and lovely to the mind's eye, am I now to be immured, to live in silent loneliness away from human creation, in a gaunt old
house, a monument in the wilderness? Is this what I have been reading and studying for? For what use shall I find Plutarch now, or Xenophon, or Bollin; to help me to analyse and contemplate on the vanity of human wishes? Of what use shall I find my French and German, of what use my geography, in fact everything I have learnt? Let me go into a convent at once, anywhere but in a wilderness. It is true I like solitude. To be away from the cold, unfeeling selfish world, has always been my ambition, but certainly not to live away from those I love, to be deprived of ever seeing or meeting those for whom I have no affection. Oh that my heart was cold, that it was unfeeling like others, unsusceptible as some I could name; anything but this susceptible beating throbbing thing, which loves all it sees. My heart is gradually becoming hardened. Once I loved 'They know not I knew thee, who knew thee too well! Oh long shall I love thee, too deeply to tell'. Ah, Byron! those are my feelings put into words. From his divine poetry have I learnt that holy feeling love. I have studied his
work, and that feeling has grown with me. But I must cease this subject. I have already transgressed in allowing my pen to write such nonsense. Back must I return to everyday life. Poured of rain, so could not go to church, the first rainy Sunday, I can remember for a long time. Read prayers at home, which were attended by Campbell and Tommy. Still raining, yet we went to Sunday School, where on account of rain, no children were to be seen, and I had only one boy of my class to instruct. Returned at five, and occupied writing this journal wasting a useful hour, writing rubbish unfit for Sunday. Frightful quarrel going on down stairs between Tommy and Jessie, about going up the country, glad Tommy is getting it, because it is all his machinations that is driving us up there. Read Guthrie.
Monday 4th October
Pouring of rain all day. Went to music lesson, still talking about going to Parkhall. They say we can keep horses up there, and a carriage etc. Pictured a brilliant time of it to myself, but all castles of the- air thrown down by Alice, who declares how miserable
we will all be there. She need not mind, her marriage will take place (D.V.) in January, at which time we will proceed up the country. Oh, my heart is bursting! My body is actually weakened with care. I feel as if I required some refreshment, my thoughts are engrossed with one subject. I pass the days in idleness, all my reading has been put aside. Oh, misfortune, how soon do we begin to feel its dire effects! Mr De Salis called on Campbell, to make arrangements about the selling of this property, for which he offers £5100. It is not settled yet. Still pouring of rain.
Tuesday 5th October
Pouring incessantly. This is the anniversary of poor Papa's death. This day three years we were plunged into universal mourning. If it had been fine, we intended visiting his grave, but the cruel weather denies us even that. Played no music. C. and T. absent all day. The dreadful Jessie also. Felt miserable about our affairs. Oh, when will this cloud pass away, and give place to sunshine! The day-dreams about various sorts of happiness at Parkhall,
but there is no happiness for mortal here below. Only the other day I said to Mamma, 'I am perfectly happy'. I felt at that moment a lightness of heart, which prognosticated no future evil. But scarcely had that day passed, when my sunshine was obscured, perhaps for that vain boast. For Tommy came, represented to us our wretched affairs, and the necessity of going into banishment. How dare any mortal say they are happy when they do not know what a day may bring forth? Read The Giaour to Alice. Felt ill and headachy all the evening.
Wednesday 6th October
Could not go to dancing as the rain poured in torrents unceasingly, was very sorry. Tommy went up the country, to that desolate place which is to be our home for ten years. Practised my music. Jessie told Mamma the Light of the Age was expected in every hour. Had a curious dream last night. I dream that somebody told me I was to die (I have dreamt that twice) that all hope was gone, the mandate had gone forth, and I must obey. Then I thought a space of time passed,
and I was standing in a small obscure church yard looking at the tombs. I thought I was invisible to all, that I was not on the scene, that I did not form a spectator, but that I was on the earth, yet invisible. And I saw while gazing there, a mournful pageant, a row of various people in white, and the clergyman in canonicals at their head. He appeared to have a book in his hand. This passed through the church yard, and stopped at the church. I thought the clergyman entered and stopped at the altar.
And then the scene was changed and I thought I was looking still among the tombs, till I came to me, the largest and finest among them all, and an indescribable feeling came over me, that I was looking at my own tomb. Here is mine, I thought, and a feeling of pride took possession of me, while I stood there seeing it was the best of them all, and I thought the pageant I had witnessed was my funeral.
Thursday 7th October
Cloudy but not raining. Went to Mrs Logan's, where we remained till one. After dinner Thereza Cape called, and asked me to accompany her down as far as Miss Burnill's. She is preparing
for her wedding, which takes place in November. Annie Hodgson went with us to the Bible Meeting, the subject today was the Passover. Walked with Annie and Tchi Tchi a good way, came home at seven. Jessie making a very great noise. C. received a letter from De Salis putting off the sale of these houses. All was nearly arranged, but owing to that wretch Lewis' claim to them, he has his doubts whether he will purchase them or not. What disappt. it is our daily lot to suffer! Oh, when will sunshine brighten our abode! Read life of Margaret Douglass, Countess of Lennox. Poor creature, how she suffered! Although high-born what privations she had to put up with, in following her wandering father Earl Angus, through all his flights! Though the niece of Harry VIII and god-daughter to the great Cardinal Wolsey, who fell a prey to his boundless ambitions, yet she was not exempt from the sufferings of her fellow creatures. Confined in the Tower, in one Chamber, with her betrothed Lord Thomas Howard in another, both pining for each other's society, and for the pure air of Heaven, how
much must she have envied the poorest milkmaid on her father's estate, free to live and love as she likes! Yet here her constancy gave way, trouble and anguish wore out her soul, and she consented to give up her lover if permitted to be free. He, poor fellow, remained true till Death, which soon overtook him, owing to bad treatment and languishing for her he loved. Her life is an example of patience, but not more so than Mary Queen of Scots who became afterwards the wife of Margaret's son, Lord Darnley.
Friday 8th October
No appearance of either mail yet, hope delayed maketh the heart sick, nor of the Light of Age which is now due, having sailed on the second of July, and vessels have arrived bringing news up to that date. Went into German class, where saw Annie Hodgson, who has joined the school this quarter. Alice and Carrie behaved very badly. Came out at one.
Such a beautiful day. Mamma went to the Cape's to speak to Thereza. Jessie very rude to the servants and they the same to her. What else can she expect? Went over to Tchi Tchi. Stayed there
an hour, came back and went with Alice to the Boulton's, where we stayed the night. Eat olives and worked at a marker for Nippy.
Saturday 9th October
Came home by myself on the eight-thirty omnibus. It was crowded inside and outside with gentlemen, and I was the only lady there. I felt very uncomfortable. This morning the heat is excessive, something extraordinary, rain and a thunderstorm must follow to clear the air, or else we shall be stifled, and though not a single cloud is visible to interrupt the clear blue serenity of the sky, yet the air feels burdened. Nearly fainted when arrived at Craigend. Dressed for the first time in muslin, and went down to dancing where we stayed till half past eleven. Then went into Mrs Mereweather's, having first met Miss Hamburgher at the door and had a chat there with her. The rain came down as I prophesied, came down in torrents, and we had shelter there till it cleared up. From there I went with Tchi Tchi to her house, and remained there till signs of approaching rain warned me to come home. But first at the door an agreeable
little episode occurred. Going out at the door I met Mrs I. and Katie coming in, the latter held three oranges in her hand, two she gave to each of her sisters, and the other she folded up very carefully in a piece of paper and looked very hard at me. She stood silent a long time and fumbled with the orange twisting it still tighter in the paper. At last as if her mind was made up, she stood on her tiptoes, and whispered something to her Mamma, asking her as I heard afterwards if she might give me the orange, her Mamma assenting, the little thing advanced towards me, and placed the orange in my hand looking so delighted. I of course was very much pleased, and accepted the orange. She's only five, and this was done with great simplicity and grace in so young a child. Came home at one, just in time to escape a pelting shower which lasted till evening. Francis Merewether came, talked with him for an hour, at the end of which Jessie went down to his house to dine. Wrote letters all day. Scarlet fever is very much about. Two of the Governor's children have been taken ill with it. The Vice-Regal family have
gone for change of air to Wollon-gong, where the Governor has amused himself travelling all over that part of the country, having visited Mr and Mrs Sparling and stayed some time in Appin.
Sunday 10th October
Pouring of rain the same as last Sunday. Campbell went off at seven for Stanwell, so the house only contains three people in it with two servants, how large families do decrease, not more than a year ago we sat down nine to table, and a year back twelve. The air is so very quiet, such a stillness is reigning everywhere around. The rain keeps falling in a gentle drizzle, just watering the earth. Everything is quiet as yet; there is not even a bell ringing, but in half an hour all will ring. Alice very, ill today with headache, was obliged to keep her bed. It is the change of the seasons I think, for from violent cold, there has succeeded violent heat, no spring to bring the summer gently stealing on. Surely this country is the antipodes all over. As somebody very rightly said the other day, 'all the scum has come to the top'. All
the valuable part remains at the bottom, the nouveaux riches trample over our heads, and if ever gods were worshipped in heathen countries, surely money is the only god worshipped here. They bow as the Israelites of old, down before the golden calf. Money is the cry — the watchword of everybody. Went to the school alone, as Alice was too ill. Poured of rain, all my children very good — Jessie went to St James's. Read and studied for Thursday.
Monday llth October
Pouring of rain all day. Went to Mrs Logan's till twelve then went to German. Studied and read all the afternoon. No mail, or Light of the Age in. Oh disappointment! how long will we be under thy reign!"Worked at a petticoat.
Tuesday 12th October
This morning the Victoria sailed. No appearance of the Emu. Studied French with Mamma. Thereza Cape called. Alice went home with her. Poured of rain, certainly there will
be a deluge. Cleared up in afternoon, so went out walking with Tchi Tchi. Went to the Hilly's. Saw Mr Hodgson. Came home at six. The evening very clear and beautiful, rich purple
clouds to the west seem to announce a bright tomorrow, and the rich colour of their tints reflect themselves on the clear calm Parramatta river, which we can see faintly from the top windows, but dark and heavy clouds in the N.E. and South hide in shadow the beautiful colours in their dark lugubrious forms. Ah me! these clouds announce rain. I am afraid it will prove a wet tomorrow, if so, no dancing. Saw six crows flying in a straight line. Mr Hodgson says a bad omen.
Wednesday 13th October
Fine morning, went to dancing, this quarter ended, intend to have another half quarter. Very warm indeed. Studied till four, went out with Tchi Tchi, visited the Deffells, then saw the Husbands. Heard from them the delightful news of the mail's arrival. Hurray! found all knew it at home, so was deprived the pleasure of telling the news, we waited anxiously expecting the letters, even at that late hour. Went out to walk in the verandah, and there saw the first comet that it had ever been my lot to witness. Yes! just near the Planet Venus, appeared a beautiful
large comet. Curious we should just hear of the mail's arrival, the night of a comet's appearance. Campbell came down the country. Mamma very ill tonight. Sent off for medicine and went early to bed. Hope she may be all right tomorrow. Went to bed thinking of the letters and of the comet. Hours fly quick and let the morrow soon approach. The letters! oh the letters! No one can tell what excitement is, unless they have experienced what we feel now.
Thursday 14th October
The eventful news. In two hours more, what will we hear? No one can tell, what may be our lot. Patience thou art a virtue. Lady Forbes and Miss Pomerniam called to ask us to go to the theatre. Who thinks of theatres at this moment, but I think we will go. Ten o'clock. Now for it. Watched with straining eyes for the postman. Alice gave a false alarm, and we had the door open in an instant, but it was not him, and Alice was nearly killed for doubly disappointing us. He comes, he is at the door, a budget of letters is received, and no one knows which to open first. Twenty-seven letters are placed upon the table.
I receive six. Alice fourteen. Mamma opens hers, and thanks God for a new grandchild. Yes, Emily has had a daughter, and we are thankful for it. But rebellious thoughts will make their entrance, sorrow at it not being a boy.
Did not go to music but sat till dinner, reading our letters, the Manns came, but went away at two. Heard from Kate of poor Mrs Salting's death. How sudden! The S.S. meeting, not to be thought of. Our letters the only consideration. Miss Alien called. Saw Tchi Tchi, told her all the news, she very much shocked at Mrs Salting's death. Had been crying. Oh sorrow, must go to the theatre, as we have promised. But I do not want to. Oh, what a bore, just when receiving all the letters. Must go. It is The Lady of Lyons. And to my great distress, we went accompanied by Mrs Pinnock.
Friday 15th October
Theatre last night passable. Words beautiful, but very badly acted. Saw also the farce, Conjugal Happiness. Awfully tired, not going to bed till two o'clock, and walking home from a theatre, is not very pleasant. Expect the Light of the Age in every minute. Several letters
have arrived for Livy. Had to go to German, odious lessons, when our minds are so occupied. At one went to the Boulton's accompanied by Tchi Tchi, where we wandered about the garden till tea time, and in the afternoon read Shakespeare, while Alice read her love-letters to Mrs B. upstairs. Not to sleep till three, so am ferociously tired.
Saturday 16th October
Emily's birthday. May much _ happiness fall to her lot, for many years to come. Returned from the B.'s at ten dreadfully hurried to go to dancing. Arrived there very late. First began the minuet. Intensely hot. Alice went to the Cape's. Very tired all day. To use an expressive word, felt regularly done up. Read laying down all day. Drank Emily's health. Read the Life of the Countess of Arran.
Sunday 17th October
Went to church. Put on new bonnets. Heard a very good sermon. After dinner taught at Sunday School. Children very naughty, they have got quite out of order, as owing to the rain they have not been for three Sundays. Went to the Isaacs'. Saw the baby, which by the bye was born the same day of the
week, and of the month, and the same hour that Emily's baby was born. The 13th August witnessed the birth of two, it may be, remarkable children. All Mamma's grandchildren have been born on a Friday. Roddy, little Mary, and this little Mary. Both cousins will have the same name. All went to St James's, where we heard a very excellent sermon preached by Mr Mordaunt, on the parable of the Sower. Returned at ten, very tired, and after being refreshed by an orange and bread, went to bed, when after thinking, which I regularly do for an hour, I fell asleep.
Monday 18th October
Enjoyed a cold shower bath, this morning. Mamma insisted upon my getting into a tub, while she poured water over me. It was very refreshing but very cold. Rec'd a note from Mrs Logan, telling us she had taken a holiday. She is always taking holidays on our days. Went into German at twelve. After dinner ashamed to say did nothing but write to Dickey, read nothing, nor practised music. Am getting very idle. I wish I had a governess. I cannot depend
upon myself. Did not go out walking this afternoon, although it was beautiful. Numbers of people out, and carriages innumerable. Oh, how bright and beautiful everything is! Everything appears to give thanks to its Maker, for their creation, but man. He, wretched creature, although the greatest of all God's handiwork, he never thinks but how to benefit himself in always grasping for more. Never satisfied, his cravings never can be realized. Oh, to be without knowledge, even as the animals are, would be better, for they feel nothing, and fear no future. Money is not the chief end of their life. Man calling out in a sepulcral tone of voice, 'Prawns, fresh prawns' turns the sublime into the ridiculous, and makes me smile to think of eating in such an hour as this. The shades of night, are indeed falling fast, for while I am
writing this, wrapt up in my thoughts, it has suddenly become quite dark. In this country, there is no twilight, and night has closed fast upon us. A journal is a very selfish thing, I think, for it contains nothing but your
own actions and your own thoughts. But how dreadful it is to read over the past page of that day which has rolled away here to return to think of how I have wasted these precious hours, of which every minute will have to be accounted for in that day of judgement which is close at hand. But these are miserable thoughts. Let me not like Felix say, I will hear and think of this another day. Another day, another hour, I might not live. A few short years, and where might I be? Wrapt in eternal space, or lost in the nethermost hell. Oh, these thoughts are dreadful.
Friday 22nd October
Nearly another week have I missed. I used to be more regular, but all is changed now. Went into German, which occupied until one. Went out after dinner with Tchi Tchi, and walked to Mrs Deffells's, and several other places. Returned at six. We passed the prison, and saw the prison van roll up to the great gates, and curiosity forced us to stay at a little distance off and watch who should get out, and see the
number of the unfortunate prisoners. And oh! it was pitiful to see woman after woman get out, young and pretty girls just emerging into womanhood, and old and hardened sinners, who knew that place but too well. Nine women entered the iron gates, not one man, and the gates shutting to with a loud and harsh clash, warned us that no more would enter that day. Turning from that scene, on our right, there broke forth a peal of loud and joyous music, a band had placed themselves, and commenced the beautiful opera Fantasia ofLucrezia Borgia. Many happy children danced around, and all was merriment. But we could not share in the delightful feeling beautiful music produces, for our hearts were saddened by the mournful spectacle we had just witnessed. Lady Forbes came today, and will stay the night here. Mr and Mrs Croxton drank tea with us, and spent the evening here. Hester also, whom we amused. A curious old fashioned little thing. Lady F. very ill with a headache.
Saturday 23rd October
Poor Lady Forbes never slept all night, with
the torturing pain she suffered, and is suffering. Went to dancing. Saw all the carriages coming from St John's with the christening party in them, for Mrs Isaacs's baby is christened today, and we go to a party, given in honour of it this evening. Her name is Eva Selwyn. Felt very tired all day. After dinner slept for two hours but did not feel much renovated. Lady Forbes still in bed, and very ill indeed. Frank came to see her. Will sleep here tonight. Had two games of chess with him, both of which he won. At half-past six dressed for the party, my dress is white muslin, trimmed with blue. Near eight it started. At twelve came home, as soon as this, because it is Sunday morning, and the party had to be broken up. Enjoyed ourselves exceedingly, dancing every dance, the two Kings I danced very often with, liked it very much indeed, was a most delightful party, and the supper excellent. Oh, I liked parties very much! But I must go to bed now, I feel too tired, to write any more.
Sunday 24th October
Very tired and sleepy. Lady Forbes still very ill, had to send for chloroform, and other restoratives. Went to church with Frank, dined at one. Went to Sunday School, accompanied by Frank, who was delighted with every thing he saw, and helped me to scold the children, which he did in fine style. Was the perfect admiration of Tchi Tchi and Amy Norton. Lady F. much better, insisted on going home, and she started off with Frankie. Mamma and Alice went to St James's. I stayed at home, as I have a cold, and remained with Sarah, who taught me how to talk on my fingers, which I learnt very quickly. Not read anything today. Very wrong.
Monday 25th October
Again are we doomed to disappointment. No vessel in yet. This anxiety is making Mamma quite ill. An unfortunate man, a dummy, walking about the green. But the boys pelted him off. Poor fellow, and it was with feelings of admiration that I saw the back door of one of the opposite terrace open, and a servant issue out with a pile
of food for the lonely one. Bye and bye door after door opened, and a pile of bread lay beside him. He rewarded them by telling them their fortunes, which he illustrated on the wall, not being able to speak. Went to music, rec'd a new piece called 'Les Cloches du Monastare'. Went into German, and as usual had a long talk with Carrie. Thereza Cape came to ask Mamma to spend the evening there tonight, it being Mr Cape's birthday, but Mamma is at the Boulton's. After dinner read. Annie Hodgson came, had a long talk with her. Mrs Clark Irving called. Also Mrs and Miss Alwood. Went down to Miss Burnill's with Alice, got measured for dress. She informed me the unpleasant news that I was getting much fatter. Met various people we knew. Lucy, an old servant we had up the country, came today and Mamma hired her as cook and washerwoman in place of Sarah, who will be parlour and housemaid. Jessie insisted on Lucy coming, and on Bridget going away, but the arrangement about Sarah has displeased her very much. She calls the latter thief to her face, and loads her
with abuse, which would not be allowed to proceed from Billingsgate, far less the mouth of a lady. The discord and noise she raises, is indescribable, nothing could equal it. A magnificent evening, so cool and pleasant. What would I give to be on the water, sailing over that delightful element, dancing on the bright waves! But I must sit here, and only look out on the sea, like potatoes, and point.
Tuesday 26th October
This morning roused by a violent noise from Jessie, about Sarah, but Mamma will not turn her away also to please that roaring lioness. Mamma was forced to have her breakfast in the adjoining room, not being able to stand the torrent of vile abuse which was being poured out on her. Why is Mamma in her old age to be so cruelly treated? What harm has she done, that she is thus to be visited, for 'how sharper than a serpent's tooth, it is to have a thankless child', as Shakespeare wisely remarks. Carrie Suttor came to ask us to spend the day at the Hayes' on Friday. Put it off till Friday week.
Mamma started off early for the Cape's. Mrs E. Wise called. Read and did various things till 4, when I went out walking with Tchi Tchi. Paid
Miss Burnill. Met Mary Jane Thompson, she asked me about Emily and Milly. Came home at six. Au lit at twelve.
Wednesday 27th October
Searched in vain, in the paper this morning, for the arrival of the Light of the Age, that vessel never will come in. Went to dancing, was not able to pay Mrs Acutt's last quarter's bill, all the rest of the girls did, and I was the only one that missed. Dreadful hot wind, and plenty of dust. Baker told Mamma that a vessel had been telegraphed ten miles off the heads, and that people said it was the Light of the Age. I am afraid it is a false alarm. I will not let my expectations be raised, for fear they should not be realized. Read all the afternoon. Watched vainly for the arrival, but was disappointed.
Thursday 28th October
Doomed again to be disappointed. The ship not in. Jessie came, bringing a servant girl with her, who she says can perform wonders,
she had gained her end, in getting Sarah also to go, and this ugly carroty haired girl is to be parlour and housemaid. I suppose Jessie will meet with her deserts some day. Tommy came down the country. Went to Mrs Logan's. Alice went to drawing at two, and at four we both went to the Bible meeting, where we had the Bible explained, and after having shaken hands with various friends we returned home. Walked this evening a little, but was too tired and down cast in spirit to do much. Tommy says he will sell Parkhall. So after all the bright plans I had formed for our amusement up there, we are not to go at all, but go to some little hole a great distance off. Went to bed very miserable at the thoughts of it.
Friday 29th October
Cold and rather rainy. Went to German, after dinner started for the Boulton's without Tchi Tchi, as she could not come, being very busy. I do not much care about going there without her, as there are only little children at Lindesay, and when
she is there, we have fine fun. Went to bed, very tired and sleepy, on account of having pulled five children up a very steep hill, six times running, in a small carriage, till I was nearly black in the face, and besides being very tired of a long discourse on painting which Mr Boulton was giving Alice.
Saturday 30th October
Came home rather early, but was very late for dancing. Saw a large vessel towed in this morning, which Mrs B. declared was the Light of the Age so came home and told Mamma, who looked quite bright on the pleasant news but, alas for happy anticipation, of a joyous meeting, the baker told us it was the British Merchant that had arrived. Was obliged to wallow in disappointment which we did with not a very good grace. After dinner walked with Tommy as far as Pyrmont Bridge, and went into Wilkie's, and there tasted some of his cakes, which are excellent. Walked through the market, but we could only feast our eyes with the
luscious fruit, as Tommy would not buy any. Returned very tired. Wrote a letter to Dickey which occupied me all the evening.
Sunday 31st October
The day very dark and lowering, did not go to church, but read prayers at home, with the addition of a sermon, part of which was read by Tommy and part by Mamma. Saw all the people coming from St John's in such crowds. Certainly that church is very well attended, three times better than St Mark's, but then the Parish is much larger, as all around here as far as Sydney down to Darling Point attend Mr Croxton. He is reckoned a very good preacher, far better than Mr Richardson. It is now two o'clock, everything is still, but in a few hours, how gay this place will be! Crowds of happy couples will issue from different homes, to enjoy themselves after a week's hard labour. The men who work at the breaking up of the stones and the mending of the roads, will enjoy themselves with their families, and point out with no small pride, the difficult labour they
have been employed in, to their wives, leaning on that steady arm, which has assisted at all this work. Well was it for these men that they did not desert their homes, and good thriving situations, like others, to proceed to the goldfields, and return dependant miserable wretches, to begin life anew, with not a penny to feed themselves or others. Went to the Sunday School. Taught children. Some were attentive, some inattentive, but the majority were very good. Mine is the largest class of the minor ones. On going out a big girl, of another class, came and presented me with a carnation. Felt touched at the child's mark of affection. Heard that the La Hague, which started in August had arrived, amongst its passengers are three Miss James, and Mrs McArthur. Read about St Peter. Did not go to church, very wicked. People seem to think less of attending church in the evening than in the morning, why I cannot understand, but I suppose it is because they are not so much seen as in the morning.
Monday 1st November
The only vessel that is due is the Light of the Age and it has not yet been seen, or heard of. Mamma and all of us are in a great state of anxiety respecting it. We dare not express our secret thoughts about it. God grant it may arrive safe. Tommy went up the country. Went into music, afterwards German. Mrs Dickinson and Mrs Barnett called. Heard that Mr Richardson fainted yesterday in the pulpit, was obliged to leave off preaching, Mrs R. rushed up to her falling spouse, and twining her arm round his waist applied sal volatile to his nose. A number of gentlemen rushed to receive his falling figure, and he was carried out of church, leaning on either arm, his afflicted spouse following behind. Mr McArthur who came down instantly the arrival of his wife was telegraphed to him, preached in the evening. Looked nearly all day at the flagstaff to see whether any signals were sent off, but none were. Oh disappointment, how withering are thy effects! Day by day
we anxiously expect, and each day rolls over, bringing us on to another twenty-four hours of anxious expectation. Wrote all the afternoon, did not go out walking, although the evening was beautiful. Wrote all the evening, it was near twelve before we went to bed.
Tuesday 2nd November
Very hot, windy and dusty day. Mrs Hay's carriage came to take us to spend the day with her. Spent the whole day there, going to the Smith's, and having the extreme pleasure of walking with Etta and Jack Lamb, down to Guilfoyles'. The three engaged girls walked on in front. I walked behind with Jack. Came home at nine, in the dogcart. Campbell arrived from Stanwell. New servant came, called Mary. All in a great state of mind about the arrival of Livy, Catherine and R.
Wednesday 3rd November
No Light of the Age in yet. Early this morning looked for signals, but was disappointed. Mamma is in a great state of mind about its non-appearance. The paper says nothing about it, although
it has now been out four months. Went to dancing. Came home at eleven. After dinner went down to Mrs Burnill's with Alice, for dress to be tried on. Wrote all the afternoon. Such a beautiful evening. The sun just setting, gilding all the neighbouring clouds with a golden tint. Its glorious light reflected on the houses, make them look as if on fire. At five went to the Isaacs', where I spent the evening. Came home at nine. Went to bed, rather early. Our usual time is eleven, but our minds are quite downcast and sad about this dreadful vessel. Oh, when will it come in! Human patience cannot stand out any longer. Those that have never felt what it is to expect day after day, to witness each hour roll by without the fulfilment of one's wishes, to see cab after cab come up, full of happy people, driving either for pleasure or for gain, but empty to you for they contain not the ones you seek for, those that have never felt this, can never say they have had any anxiety or had
their temper or patience tried.
Thursday 4th November
Were again disappointed. One of our servants told us that people in Sydney were talking about the vessel's -non-appearance and had great fears for it. Man came to see Campbell. The latter is not at all well. Practised till eleven, then went to Mrs Logan's where we remained till one. After dinner read and did various things, till four, when we went to the Bible meeting. After that took a long walk with Tchi Tchi, Miss Thomson, and Miss Hilly. Came home at six. Jessie making a great noise. She remains as bad as ever. Wrote till tea time. Till bed time studied German for tomorrow. Saw dear old Punch carried round, surrounded by crowds of ragged boys, and even grown up men left their work for a while to laugh at the wicked vagaries of Punch. It was acted at the Public House, and we were much disappointed it did not come and perform on the green in front. Seeing it, called back again to my recollection, the happy days of yore, when a young shy
child of nine, I was invited to a large party at the Mort's to witness the performance of wonderful Punch and Judy. How for weeks before, I thought with dread of the dreadful day; mixed with pleasure, and how at the party, I clung to Dickey, my only protector there, happy only in his presence. Ah those were simple innocent days, my only cares were my cats, and my only happiness was the Present — no thought of the Future dared to intrude itself then.
Friday 5th November
Guy Fawkes day. Saw the unfortunate conspirator, carried about on a hand barrow, with its usual crowd of idle children gathered round it, wondering at what they did not know anything about, condemned to be burnt in effigy. German man and wife came to C. to be hired. Had to act as interpreter between C and them, which part I performed very badly as, I am afraid I have no idea of grammar. Went into German, where we waited for an hour, and no Mr Daniel making his appearance, we made our
exit. Poor man, perhaps he has been surrounded by boys, and seized as a scarecrow, condemned to be carried in state through the town, and take the role of Guy Fawkes, hope they won't go so far as to burn him. Alice went in afterwards and found him there, and never told me, so I missed my lesson. In the afternoon Tchi Tchi asked me to go to Manly Beach with her tomorrow. Rather cloudy evening. The sky covered over with mare's tales, and nimbus clouds, so we may expect rain. Went over to Tchi Tchi, and not finding her at home, left a letter for her, addressed to Mrs H. King, a boy she is very fond of. About an hour afterwards, Tchi Tchi came over herself in a great rage to give me a scolding, but that stupid woman Lucy, said we were all out, so Tchi Tchi, had to nurse her wrath till tomorrow. Mended a pair of gloves all the evening. Saw innumerable number of flags up of all colours.
Saturday 6th November
Saw in the papers that an Austrian man-
of-war 44 guns came in yesterday, also a French man-of-war 3 guns. German will now come into fashion, all the ladies will be anxious to learn it. Went early this morning to the Isaacs's where I found Mr Rolleston, Mr Hodgson, Mr Isaacs, all to whom I had to say how do you do, also a Mr Bayly, who came out in the La Hague, to whom I was introduced. There is to be a grand cricket match, held between the Phoenix and Garrison Clubs. These gentlemen are all cricketers who have met at Mr Isaacs's, to proceed with him to the cricket ground, which is the Barrack Square. At ten started with Tchi Tchi, Emma and servant in the steamer. Mrs Alien and Susy Bettington also accompanied us. Enjoyed myself very much. Landed at Wooloomooloo at six. Had tea at Mrs Alien's, and was home by nine. No vessel had arrived. Found all busy writing home.
Sunday 7th November
This morning very dark and lowering, expect rain. Started for St Mark's and were caught half way by a shower which
came down in earnest. Were obliged to run home as fast as our poor legs could carry us. Men meanwhile grinning at our capers. As soon as the rain ceased, and we got dry, we went to St John's, where we heard a very good sermon. At one dined. The sky became one leaden mass of heavy clouds, and in some places appeared to touch the earth, darker and darker it became, till distant thunder, faint flashes of lightning and the moaning that goes before rain warned us of a storm, which by two occurred in earnest. Oh, it was such a glorious storm, such splendid lightning, seeming to divide the heavens in its fiery zig zag transit, the rolling thunder slowly gathering, till it breaks in one loud crash over our heads, and then dying away, the pelting rain that for a full quarter of an hour, cut off from our view every house and tree about, and left us in a perfect mist and the driving wind breaking in at the windows, and dashing everything about. Oh, it was magnificent! The grandest
thing on earth is to watch a storm, to see God moving in awful magnificence in the clouds. Oh it is a holy feeling that comes over one at the moment, when the storm is loudest,- when the fatal lightning is most vivid, to feel there is One that protects you in all this, who is master of all these contending elements. To look and ponder over Nature, is the best book that one can read on a Sunday.
Monday 29th November
It is with a heavy heart that I now write this, because I have allowed so much time to pass away without writing my journal, an occupation which I dearly love, and would never leave off, if not compelled by idleness, or on the contrary having other things to do. But Livy's arrival, which took place on the 8th November has driven everything out of my head. It is with great sorrow and shame, that I cannot here indulge in my favourite occupation of describing the how and the when Livy and family came, of our feelings at that exciting moment
how after waiting for anxious days, our wishes were at last fulfilled, or of describing the persons of the different individuals. Suffice it to say that Livy is altered for the better, Catherine exactly the same as ever, and little Roddy, dear little Roddy, has not improved, but is a very darling little fellow. Livy and Catherine have brought all sorts of things out with them, very nice indeed, and Livy has given me a bracelet made of his hair. We have also during this long silence on my part, been enjoying ourselves greatly, having been to the Mann's and seen the Austrians. We have been to three parties at the Mann's, and each time six Austrians have attended, and I for the first time in my life, enjoyed being paid attention to because I spoke German, which delighted these poor foreigners, and Alice and I were all the rage. We have been on board their frigate, the stately Novara, have been out in the gondola rowed by real Venetians, and have danced to their band. All my adventures, my fun,
my happiness I cannot here describe, as part I have forgotten, but it shall never be so again. I shall never forsake my journal. Tonight I was to make my first appearance in public at the grand Austrian Ball, but it is pouring unceasing rain, and we have been sent word that it has been put off till tomorrow. All this day have done nothing, in fact I have not looked into a book since I last wrote in this journal. Oh, I am so sorry I have neglected to write! But it shall never occur again. What a pity it is raining, but tomorrow, oh tomorrow! at seven what shall we be doing to a beautiful band, and with a delightful partner? These Austrians are the nicest fellows I have ever seen. And they know who we are, and are so gentlemanly. They do not, like the Sydney people, only count money, they respect name and family also, but perhaps they suppose we have the needful also. When they find out their mistake I fancy a little coolness will ensue. But I never spent happier moments in my life,
than when I was with them. Not thinking of clearing up. Catherine has been ill in bed for more than a week, attended twice a day by Dr Alloway. At eight undressed Roddy and put him to bed, which is my duty every evening, in the morning it is Alice's. After that went to bed myself as I shall be so tired tomorrow. Jessie awfully sour, because she can't get anybody to take her to the Ball, pretending, like sour grapes, she could go if she wished. The locusts' singing is a good sign, but an early frog has commenced its ominous croak, which is a bad sign.
Tuesday 30th November
Beautiful morning, but rather hot, jumped out of bed to the tune of the locusts, which appear to be giving thanks for the hot weather. They make such a noise, quite deafening. Again the cocks crow, dogs bark, horses canter, carts and carriages roll, bells ring, and man again goes forth to his daily labour. Got my dress from Miss Burnill, it is very pretty, being tarletan trimmed with blue. Took Roddy to school. He is to go
every morning till one to Miss Thompson s, a Dames School in Wooloomooloo. This is the first time he has ever been anywhere by himself. Poor little fellow, obliged to fight all his own battles at that mini-world, a school. No big brother to stand up for him. But this is only a preparatory school. Only four children attend. After that went down to different shops, and bought white kid boots. Insufferably hot, all the sky seeming covered with dark and lowering clouds. Ah, I am afraid the Fates will be unpropitious to us again. At five dressed, and the evening turned out beautiful. At seven the cab rolled up for us, and after leaving Jessie at Lady Forbes's to go with them, we arrived safely at Mr Mann's office, where we found all dressing in various stages of excitement. Some half dressed, screamed to each other in the agony of despair, to assist them, others dressed out in the whole gay attire, now eyed themselves and the scene, with the utmost satisfaction. At length, all attired, and each complimented, we went down to the first steamer, which
was just starting. While we are waiting here, I shall take the opportunity of describing some of my thoughts at the prospect of going to my first ball. Minnie and I now make our first appearance tonight; this is my first ball, and my first introduction is made on board of an Austrian man-of-war. No mean ship, but a forty-four gun frigate containing an illustrious lot of officers, the highest being a prince, and the lowest a count. Will he be there, I thought? Will the Pole seek me and talk to me? But here, just as I fell into a train of most delicious thought, we were interrupted by Mrs and Mr Alien, coming on board, and various other friends, and the steamer starting at the same time, my soliloquy was stopped by seeing with rapture the light glancing of the waters as the steamer cut through, ploughing up the phosphorus, and leaving a lightning wake behind it. The whole scene was most romantic. The company on board, all dressed variously, chatting, laughing, the splendid German Band, playing an entrancing air from some opera,
the darkness of all around, while above, the clouds all gathered into a black mass shed their fitful shade on the calm water, which some poor star vainly struggled to reflect itself in. The heavy and distant meanings of an approaching thunderstorm, the frequent flashes of fiery lightning, which lighted up all around, all this inspired me with a calm delicious romantic feeling.
Soon the Novara burst upon our sight, and then what a rush to see the gallant vessel all decked out in her flags nd lighted up with a reflecting brilliance! After having nearly run down a boat, but done no more mischief, we arrived safely on board the frigate, when a file of officers waited in readiness to conduct us to the cabin. Waited for us alone, as no other strangers enjoyed this honour. As we issued forth, after giving an additional pull to our dresses, and a long last look at the glass, each officer offered us his arm, and took us to the deck, where the dancing was to be, and before we had been there half an hour, every one of our cards were half filled
with names. They were so delighted to see all of us. While the Band played more delicious operatic airs, we walked about surveying all the beauties of the deck. Each of us had our different favourites. I leaned on the Prince's arm (but he is not my favourite), till the first dance struck up, and then I danced with him. So on dancing the whole night, while plenty of girls sat down, we stopped till the very last, and even then the officers would not let us away, till we had danced six more dances than were marked on the programme. It was not till half past five that we took our departure in broad daylight in the Victoria's boat, which Mr Wood brought for us, and when we arrived at Willoughby, the sun was up high in the heavens. We slept for only half an hour. Thus ended my first ball, and oh, how delightful it was! It feels now like a delightful dream that is past! Those moments may never return. The Pole came up to me in a great hurry, to say how sorry he was, that he was on duty, and unable to come. Going away he carried me almost down the ladder.
I am so sorry he was on duty.
Wednesday 1st December
Can this be a new day? In what have we spent the night? Very sleepy all the day, helped to adorn the drawing room, as the Manns have another party tonight. At six dressed, and at seven these darling officers arrived. How strange it seems this very morning to have been dancing with the same people, and again tonight. Danced as usual. The Pole came! He poor fellow, cannot dance, but he stands leaning up against the piano, the whole night, and each time I stop, comes and talks to me, and then when the dance goes on retires and comes again. His tall figure looks very well, with his bushy black whiskers, and soft drooping eyes. We danced the cotillion, such a delightful dance, after that the Pole came and asked me to walk with him, and soon afterwards we parted. They left, and after talking over their respective qualities, and much screaming, shouting and laughing, we went to bed. It was half past three, before we went up stairs. Mr Woods has
promised, to bring his boat over tomorrow for us to pay a second visit to the Novara in it.
Thursday 2nd December
Went home this morning, told every body about the Ball. Went to Mrs Logans, where we were scolded very much for losing so many lessons, and at two took our departure again. We waited at the office for two hours, waiting with Mr Mann for the boat to come and take us, but as none came Mr M. decided upon going in his own boat. We started, and just off Billy Blues Point, met the Victoria coming down with full speed, just out of dock, with all the Manns on board. They waved and shouted, and Mr Wood screamed out, 'My gig is just above there!' and we pushed on rather cast down, but hoping to meet the gig. We hailed one boat, but the sailors would not answer, but we got into another and pushed off with ten hands on board and in a large man-of-war's boat, as big as a room. We soon got alongside the Victoria, and then
were received on board, introduced to the Captain, and made to come down into the cabin and drink the Victoria's and the officers' health in sparkling champagne, while cake was handed round. After being shown all over this vessel, we started on board the Governor's barge, and proceeded on board the Novara, where we were received with loud acclamations of joy, and assisted up the ladder, surrounded immediately by all our friends, and shown everything a second time. The Pole again pointed out everything to me, and again I was happy. We were taken down into the midshipmen's room, and there drank lemonade in honour of the Novara and crew, while the gentlemen took champagne. While in this cabin, we heard a call, and instantly after the Band played, 'Ave Sanc-risorima', oh, so beautifully and solemnly! They are strict Roman Catholics. Soon after they insisted we should have a dance, before we left, so the band struck up a polka, and we were seized upon and danced a
most delightful polka. They begged and implored us to stay longer, but Mr Mann was inexorable, no power could shake him, so with deep regret, we went down the ship's side, and were safely on board the Victoria's boat. About 100 yds from the frigate, the band struck up in honour of us 'God save the Queen' and instantly Mr Woods gave the order, and the oars were crossed, hats off, and all felt gratitude and loyalty. Afterwards they played their own National Anthem, and one loud and hearty English cheer responded, while the oars were dashed down with a sullen clash, and we rowed merrily homeward. Arrived home at nine and did not go to bed till twelve. Surely this dissipation is very bad, my left side aches eternally, and I am so tired that I can hardly hold my head up. This pain got so bad at the ball, that I was obliged to retire for a few minutes gasping.
Friday 3rd December
Up early. Felt dreadful all day. Laughed till my sides ached, and then felt very
miserable, when I thought how soon the Austrians would leave. Dressed to get ready for a ball at the Drews. At eight the large Victoria's boat came for us, and we all started off again. The water was dreadfully rough, and we sailed. The sails leaned to the wind, and the hoarse commands given by Mr Woods to the men, were highly interesting. At length we arrived safely at the Drews', and were received by the officers who ran down to the wharf to see us. And so we danced away, had tremendous tun, with the cotillion. Several of them pay great attention to Minnie, her black eyes made great havoc amongst them. My shoe coming off, I went into the room to put it on, and coming out of the room, I met Herr Natti, who stopped me, and said to me in German (I always speak with them in German), 'Miss Mitchell, I have something to give you. Herr Meder sent you this card, and hopes that you will always remember him.' It had written down in a
corner of it Pour faire mes adieus'. He continued 'He was very sorry he could not come tonight, but duty prevented him'. I shook all over, and felt a sinking at the heart, which I could not refrain. I expressed my thanks in a rather incoherent manner, and he taking out his own card, said, 'Will you accept mine as a remembrance of me?' I also took that, and thanked him. Then I went into the dancing room, and my joy was much damped, by hearing they were likely to sail tomorrow! At four said an affecting adieu to all around, and after a tender parting, went off in the boat. The officers' boat accompanied us as far, where two bays separate from another, then when our paths lay in different directions, and we were about to separate, the hoarse voice of Monfroni de Montfort, was heard giving the command, and the oars were immediately raised, and the men and officers gave one loud hearty cheer, to which our men responded
with oars also raised. At five we arrived home, and the sun began to shew its face as we laid down in our dresses to snatch an hour's sleep.
Saturday 4th December
This cannot be another day! Surely this is one continual round of dissipation! Rose at seven, and felt very tired all day. Went out to the Point and sat there reading. At eleven went to bed, where after teasing Alice Mann for a few minutes I tumbled off asleep — But oh! how soon we will have to part with the Austrians, it is quite maddening. To make friends, and then so soon to separate.
Sunday 5th December
Rose very early, and at the usual time, went to church. Mr Clark preached a pretty good sermon. When crossing home in the boat, we saw the Austrian man-of-war boat coming up in our direction, and soon afterwards in walked Monfroni. He had come to spend the day. Oh, the fun we had would be perfectly impossible to describe! We asked as many of the officers
as could come, to come over tomorrow evening, and we marked them all down on a piece of paper. He joked me about Herr Meder, and altogether we had immense fun. At ten he took his departure with a strict injunction to come over tomorrow night.
And so we said adieu, and retired to bed, after reading a chapter in the Bible, during which Leslie fell fast asleep and snored, which made us all laugh.
Monday 6th December
Rose and anxiously waited for the evening, as I hope the Pole will come — If not, I do not care for the others — But alas! at twelve we heard a knocking at the window and the Pole entered. He was frightfully nervous, a great vein on his forehead had swelled into a knotted cord, and his hand shook as if with an ague. His message was this. He had come in the name of the Captain and officers, to say how sorry they were, not being able to come tonight, as the Commodore had accepted an invitation from Mr Kirchner for them to spend their last evening
there. With what sorrow did we hear this! He left all the officers' cards, and went away. No word or look did he give me. He went away as one in a dream, and I was left alone. They laughed, they quarrelled over the cards, but I was miserable. I took a book, and pretended to read, but my mind was far from the book. They joked me, but I did not care. I was trying to recollect what it was he had said, over and over again, I pictured to myself him standing there. I answered their jokes with a smile, but they were even as the wind, they passed by me unfelt. Oh, how miserable I felt! To think that I had said goodbye to all for the last time, for they sail tomorrow, was dreadful, and him, whom I wanted more especially to say goodbye to, he was gone, and never perhaps shall I see him again.
At dinner a walk of six miles was proposed to see Mrs Whitton, I gave my veto against it, but I was passed unheeded, they went, and I accompanied them. But I was too miserable
to think or do anything, in fact, I was perfectly wretched. Came home, perfectly dead with fatigue, having walked six miles, but near the door met Mr M. coming to meet us. 'They are come', he cried. For a moment faces grew bright, hope was raised, but a treacherous smile on his face, warned us of the veracity of it, and hope rushed down, slain back again. We entered the house, and Mrs Kirchner called on your Mamma, and asked her consent, for you to go to the ball'! — No restorative in the world could have brought back to our faces their usual colour more effectually than did this piece of welcome news. Instantly petticoats were all the cry, for it was past six, and Herr Meder, would arrive in the Novara boat at half past six. Dresses were pulled off, hair was done, rushing and screaming was prevalent everywhere, and as I was the first to be dressed, I went down to the
drawing room, where I found Herr Meder, who complimented me on my appearance, as I entered the room. Mr Mann insisted upon my wearing a shawl, Herr Meder said to me in German I must wear one, and he had his large coat ready for me in the boat. We waited for some time afterwards till all were assembled. Fred gave me a very pretty bouquet, and when they were all ready, we went down to the boat. Herr Meder offered me his arm, which I took, but he seeing Mrs Mann behind, all the rest had gone on before, stopped and wanted to wait till she would pass. But she kept behind, so on we went and got into their splendid boat. I sat up in the bow and Herr Meder in the stern, so we were far away from each other. And thus, manned with ten oars, we cut through the waves, on the last night the Austrians were to be in harbour. We passed the dear old Novara, and took in two more officers, the rest had gone on in the big boat with the band, and then we went cheerily on. As soon as we
landed at Mr Kirchner's wharf Herr M. made me take his arm, and took me up the green, where all were going, but instead of taking me in the same direction as the rest, he wanted to take quite away, but I said No! and quickly followed up. When inside, we went up to the dressing room, and coming down, some of the officers were waiting to lead us in, Herr M. amongst them, at the foot of the staircase, and taking his arm I went into the ball room. There he left me, and I felt miserable. Every dance we danced, and it would be too much trouble here to narrate all the sorrowful things that were uttered at parting. They told me, they knew Alice was engaged, and asked me if I was. The last polka I danced with Herr Caiman, and in parting all were very much affected. The party was got up with splendid style. Gold spoons in the teacups etc. As soon as we came down to the boat all said goodbye. It was the last we were to see of these dear officers, and the parting
was very sorrowful. I gave Monfroni a piece of my fan, and all crowded round us asking for some remembrance. Minnie etc. gave pieces of flowers, ribbon etc. They themselves felt very very miserable. Had nothing to give away. The bouquet I had given to Miss Finch, as she asked me for it, on the plea that she had nothing to take into the room, so I parted without leaving any remembrance to the other officers. Herr Meder and Natti, came into the boat (Natti is very fond of Minnie, and she is desperately fond of him). In taking their seats Herr Meder sat beside me, and as I was rising to give place to Alice, he just put his arm round me, and said No! you sit here. And then as we got under weigh, all the officers remained standing on the side of the wharf, and as the men gave way and the boat shot forward all the officers took off their hats, and bowing as they uttered it, said,
'Dieu vous benisse' — It looked so very nice, and touching, and we shall remember it as long as we live. And so we came on. While in the boat, all loaded Natti with flowers as remembrances. I gave him a piece of my bow, and Meder also. The latter asked me if I had received his card, and I said 'Yes', but he said 'Did you not also receive a blank one?', and I of course answered in the negative. He appeared surprised, and gave Natti a scolding in Italian, and then he told me, that he had also wished Natti to give me a blank card, on which I was to have written my name and sent it back to him, and that Natti had brought him back a card with 'Danny' written upon it. What a trick for Natti to play. I felt so angry. It was very wrong of him to do so.
Meder asked me what I had done with the bouquet of flowers I had and said that it had grieved him very much to see I had given them away, and asked me, to
which gentleman I had given them, I told him the truth, and he appeared satisfied. Soon we landed, the time appeared so short while we were in the boat, although it was a long way from Mr Kirchner's wharf, but dawn is just breaking and we must land. Ten more hours where will the Novara be. — The boat having been rowed alongside the wharf, the hawsers thrown out, and the two front oars men standing ready with their boat hooks to lay hold of land. I, being the first to move, was handed out by Meder, who escorted me over the stones, and offering me his arm, he ordered the man with the lantern to proceed in front, so as to throw the light in our footsteps. He spoke to the man in Italian, but he told me he did this in German. We then went up followed by others, and soon we all reached the garden, where Meder, observing the road leading up to the fence, asked me to walk
there with him, so retaking his arm, I walked up there with him. Away from all the others, quite alone, he told me, that he would never forget me, and asked me repeatedly never to forget him. That he would try and return so as to see me again, that never, never, should I be out of his memory, and begged me never to forget poor Meder. That if ever I went to Vienna, I had only to mention his name and I would find out all about him, as his family was well known in Vienna. This and a lot more he told me, and I wished to have said a lot to him, for he seemed so melancholy, but seeing others following, he turned back, and I again gave him flowers, but such flowers, so scraggy and ugly, while they gave Natti beauties. But the dawn had already broken and cocks began to announce the approaching day. Time would not wait, we all must part. We all
shook hands and Meder and I shook hands, and held my hand a long time, and then said adieu to all around. Again he shook hands with me, and Natti having bid a farewell he called out, 'Come, Meder, we must go!' and with one more adieu the gate closed upon them. And we went to bed.
Tuesday 7th December
Rose at seven. Very anxious to know if the Novara had gone out. The wind was very high and boisterous, and the rain came down at intervals in drizzling showers. Such a gloomy morning. Gloomy in every respect for hearts were all sorrowful. Joked about all the officers, at breakfast everyone talking at once, one extolling another contending, all making such a fuss. I was so tired and sleepy and miserable, trying to recall the events of the past night. Hoping that perhaps the Novara had not yet gone out, and we might still see some of the officers. Minnie and I
each made a beautiful bouquet, mine I intended to present to Herr Meder. But all out trouble in vain. When the boat came back in the evening Mr M. told us they had gone. Oh we were so miserable. Went to bed at eleven.
Wednesday 8th December
Started early for home. Fred Mann knocked us right up against the stern of a steamer, which frightened Alice so as to cause her to shout, to call the attention of the passengers. When we arrived home, found poor Livy still ill in bed dreadfully with iritis and Catherine also not well. Felt very lonely all the afternoon and in very low spirits. Jessie rails against the Austrians, because she did not know them, and out of spite to us.
Thursday 9th December
Very busy writing all day. Attended our various studies, but not with good will. This going out makes a woman of me and spoils me. I would much rather draw my head in again
and only peep out at the unknown world instead of mixing in it altogether. Fifteen is too young — Campbell went up the country. Livy still very ill. Poor fellow, how he suffers!
Friday 10th December
Went into German, where owing to depression of spirits, my temper got the worst of me, and I shewed a specimen of it to old Daniel. Really I cannot help it. I feel too weak to do anything but get into a passion. It is very wrong and shows the evil of going into the world too early. Went to the Boulton's. Mrs B., on hearing of my gay doings, said she was ashamed of me.
Saturday llth December
Came home. Mrs Hely came. Started again for Mrs B.'s at three as Alice and I are going with her to the Rangers over at the N. Shore to see whether we can get any fruit. Tchi Tchi was to have come also, but she is going to the theatre and we will
not be back in time. Started with a boatload of six children, three market baskets and five grown people. The water was dreadfully rough, the little boat riding triumphantly over every wave. The last time I was in a boat in this direction, in whose company was I? Alas! it is better not now to call up recollections of the Past, but thoughts will force their way. Two children kept up a continual musical concert, till we landed, in lieu of a better band. All our expectations of fruit were disappointed. In two hours we returned to the boat, one basket with a dozen hard unripe apricots and a few limes, and another basket with some sour apples and French beans, and the other basket empty. Having landed at Malcolm's wharf, and received some apples, we started on our journey home. Passed the thick lonely wood of solitary Darling Point road, passed the less lonely Wooloomooloo road, on which we only met a tipsy woman and
startled the worthy inhabitants of Craigend Terrace No. 3, by coming in on them at half past nine. A scolding from Campbell a 'why did you not stay for tea, my dears', from Mamma, a welcome home from Mrs Hely, a smile from Catherine, a cold tea and sneers from Jessie, greeted us on our arrival, but disregarding every one, and only regarding the pangs of hunger, we fell to, and after having undressed Roddy and whiled away our time we retired to bed at eleven.
Sunday 12th December
Very hot. Mrs Hely, Alice and Roddy went to St John's. At three taught our Sunday School children. Obliged to break up, on account of heavy storm impending, which came down just as we left the church. Were invited to the Miss James', but Roddy began to rain tears, so we had to run not for our lives, but for our dresses. Read a sermon, and went to bed at eleven. Livy still very ill, nearly mad with pain.
Monday 13th December
Told and windy. Went to Mrs Cowling's with Mrs H. afterwards went down and bought gloves, boots etc. Missed all our lessons today, as all very busy preparing for the ball tonight, which takes place at Mrs Hay's. At six commenced to dress, and at nine Mr Hodgson's carriage coming for us we started off. Alice's dress is pink tarletan, mine is white with pink scarf across. Returned at three. The ball was a very nice one, splendid supper, plenty of gay dresses, but wanting in the most necessary gentlemen. One hundred and fifty people made their appearance. I only danced ten rimes, but that was a great deal compared to other girls, and Etta Smith only danced twice, and numbers of girls sat down nearly all night. Tired and sleepy.
Tuesday 14th December
Mrs Mann and Alice came. Mrs Wise also came and gave us a bag of oranges. Alice went with Mrs M. to call on Mrs Kirchner. They came back highly delighted with their visit, praising
Mrs K. to the utmost, because she had lauded the Austrians, saying they were the very cream of Austria. Started with them for their house. Felt dreadfully ill, could hardly walk, was sick in the omnibus, oh, I felt so ill, tried to shake it off by laughing and talking, but it was no use. In the boat I recovered a little, but after tea, when sitting round the table, I was obliged to get up and leave the room, and was sick outside. I have been so knocked up lately, having had no real night's rest for a whole month.
Wednesday 15th December
Better this morning, but attacked with dysentery. Amused ourselves very much in the morning. In the afternoon Alice went to visit the Miss Sentis. I remained at home, and copied out some poetry. Minnie and I made some splendid toffee which we sucked in bed. Twelve before we went to bed. So dreadfully tired.
Thursday 16th December
Came home very early. Alice slipped on the rock as she stepped out of the boat, at the Circular Quay, but did not hurt herself. Found Livy still very ill. It is dreadful coming
back to a sick house. Went to music. Did nothing the whole day afternoon. I am beginning to get so lazy, going out ruins me.
Friday 17th December
Alice and I went at four to the College, to seee the girls receive their prizes. It was a very nice sight. The girls arranged on forms, and Mr Hare in canonicals stancding before a large table covered with beautifully ornamented books, and as each book was presented he delivered a litttle speech. Some girls got such a number of prizes. Carrie Suttor got five, the greatest prize of all for general proficiency was hers also. Alice rec'd a prize for drawing. Mrs Isaacss sent over her baby for Mamma to see it. Started with Tchii Tchi for the Boulton's. Bought lollipops and ran
half the way eating them. Soon after we arrived the Smiths came: and Jack Lamb, and we had a very pleasant evening of it, dancing and singing. The party broke up at ten.
Saturday 18th December
Came home just in the very heat of the day wrhich made us dreadfully tired. Read Home Influence all the ; afternoon, and went to bed at eleven. Have spent a very umprofitable day, in fact the whole week has passed away in pesrfect idleness. What am I to do? I am so very idle, anad so very ignorant. In three more weeks I shall be sixteen aind cannot yet play a single piece on the piano.
Sunday 19th December
Dreadful heat. Hot wind blowing, and everybodiy feverish and uncomfortable with themselves and everybbody else. Livy very ill. Catherine still suffering. Roddy veryy troublesome. Alice and R. went to St Mark's. I had a headache
so could not go. Read all the forenoon. Mr UJhr came. At three went to Sunday School where my pupils s were increased to sixteen, and dreadful trouble I had wirith them. After scolding one, punishing another, hearing aa third, I had to commence the lesson over again, and fouund them as nice as when I commenced. The evening mucch cooler. After tea, walked in the lower verandah for an haour, then put Roddy to bed, and went to bed myself.
Monday 20th December
Duite the contrary to yesterday. The weather cold and the ater chilly. Practised my music. Tchi Tchi came and asked us to a musical party there tonight, also to accompany them to the theatre on Wednesday. We were to go to Lady For-bes's this afternoon to see the balloon ascend, but we are not going there now. I do not feel as if I cared about anything now at all. Balloons, parties, theatres are all the same to me, and I would much rather stay at home, than go
out But I must. I would like to be away from it all willingly- I feel satiated with too much gaiety. From eleven till two taught Roddy, found it a very troublesome duty, as he has both a very strong temper and a will of his own. Wrote a letter to Alice Mann, and did nothing all the rest of the evening. Mrs Murray called. This is Xmas week, and what an unhappy Christmas we will spend! I am afraid there is no happiness in store for us. A dreary Future opens itself to me in the far vista, and I see years of loneliness, spent by me in mournful sorrow. Went to the party, where we enjoyed ourselves very much. Heard very nice singing and playing. Came home at twelve.
Tuesday 21st December
Livy still very ill. I am afraid his sight is going, never to return, and he is far from recovering. I spent the day doing various things. Another day added to my idle calendar.
No improvement, my mind is gradually becoming obscured by ignorance, my listlessness is dreadful, and my temper is changing to sourness. But why is all this? If ever mortal dare say she is happy, I can say that. For the last month, I have just been presented to the world. I have received attention, and have enjoyed myself enormously. But it is all Nature. All are unthankful.
Wednesday 22nd December
Passed the day very listlessly. Our minds are occupied about going up to Parkhall. A change of residence is necessary. Went to the theatre with Mrs Isaacs. Enjoyed ourselves extremely. The play was The Merchant of Venice, and the force The Irish Post, it was admirably acted. Brooke made his farewell speech in the character of Shylock.
Thursday 23rd December
Very busy all day, preparing the presents for the little Boultons. Tchi Tchi and Amy Norton came over. Had great difficulty with Roddy and his lessons, he would not attend.
Spent the evening at the Isaacs', played old maid. To bed at twelve.
Friday 24th December
Early in the morning went into Sydney with Catherine and Roddy to make some purchases. C. bought various things at the grocer and the market, also bought figs. I bought a book for Tchi Tchi called The Language of Flowers. Came home in a cab at one. Alice went early this morning with our various presents to the B. children. They consist of all sorts of toys. Helped Mamma all the afternoon to make the various puddings, tarts, gateaux for tomorrow. Mr Uhr came. Campbell returned from the country with a swelled face, which does not improve him. He brought disagreeable news that Tommy had had an offer from a very rich man for Parkhall, and was thinking of taking it. We hope not. Entertained Mr Uhr all the evening, and did not go to bed till one. Oh, these later hours they are killing me by inches! But away with all melancholy thoughts. Tonight
is Christmas Eve. That holy night when spirits of the air are not allowed to walk abroad, it is too sacred a night for aught unholy to disturb the peaceful silence. Happiness ought to find its way into every heart, and let all worldly thoughts be cast aside. This night last year, where were we, anticipating a joyous Christmas, but not happier than we are now perhaps, for we have a great deal to be thankful for. I have been very happy this year. But it is time to sleep, and my head aches.
Saturday 25th December
All hail Christmas day! Thanks gracious Saviour, that thou hast permitted us to witness another Xmas, another birthday of the holy Being. Rose rather late, and wished everybody a merry Xmas. Decked out all the table with Xmas and flowers and tried to make everything look as like Christmas as possible. Went to St John's, where Roddy behaved very badly, and caused my temper to rise, which spoiled the pleasure
of the day. But trying to make all things easy we returned home, and looked forward to the always important event on a Xmas day — the dinner. It has always been a puzzle to me, why people should eat more on that day, than at any other time, and why it should be an established custom to eat plum pudding. It is a curious manner of showing one's respects. In the hurry of the eating and drinking, it is seldom that one thinks of the cause. But let it be. Roast beef and plum pudding have for ever marked its approach, and there is not a house in Sydney however poor, that would not spend their last penny to obtain their favourite dish. It is also a day of reunion. Now, at this present moment, how many happy families are congregated together! The anxious father toiling all the week, wearied out and now looks forward to this day, as he hopes to meet all his family assembled, and to drown his cares
and troubles in a foaming tankard of frothy beer. The careworn mother labouring every day, and worked off her legs the day before, sits down with motherly dignity, and tries to check the anxious blush that mantles her cheek, at hearing the praises of her skill as cook resounded on all sides. Not only with the poor, but with the rich, is this day, a day of rejoicing. They, amidst all their affluence find a day to retire from gaiety and worldly scenes, and find domestic happiness among their united circle of children and friends, children assembled from far off schools, and merry peals of laughter resound all around.
We also can find a moment to be happy but, alas, where can happiness reign! Surely not amongst discontent and ill humour. The great cloud that overshadows all our domestic felicity, is present, and bitter, bitter are the remarks that she passes on all around. Soured with herself
and the rest of the world, can she not find it in her heart to leave other's happy. No! it is a doom that has been pronounced upon us, and we must suffer it as well as we can. But now I must return to my subject. Have always described the Christmas dinner, it is a habit that I indulge in, and one of the few that I preserve in keeping. At five the cracked bell called all hands to dinner, and in less than a minute all were seated. Roddy, of course, the first who lighted up the table with his smiles. But few were visible on other countenances. I felt very ill, so my face was also overshadowed. Opposite sat the cloud. Her evil eyes were upon me, and her tongue never left me alone. Oh! if the fate that she has marked out for me, falls to my lot to suffer, better, far better, were it for me now to lay down my head forever. But the prophecies of the wicked fall to the ground. One seat was vacant at the table,
poor Livy was too ill to take his seat, he ate his Christmas dinner in his solitary bed room. First course was a pair of fowls — a very large ham — roast beef and horse radish, potatoes, beans, vegetable marrow, cabbage etc. When all were satisfied, and the dishes removed, visible anxiety was painted on each countenance for the safety of the pudding which was rather long in coming. But soon it made its arrival, and Roddy shouted with joy, at seeing its good natured face, speckled with plums and currants, and a goodly branch of Christmas waving from its crown, inviting all to partake and taste of its merits. And taste all did, for who would not eat of a plum pudding on Xmas day, and plates were replenished and filled again, and it was pronounced excellent by all around. Even though a rhubarb tart graced the upper end of the table, it was left untouched, and all at last being satisfied, and praises echoed from
all around, the signal was given, and the silvery tones of the tinkling bell warned the servant to take away. The wine being freely spread, some joviality began to creep in amongst the family party. Mr Uhr reasoned, and entered into an interminable argument, about some unknown subject. Jessie entered into quick repartee, and cut him short at every word. Campbell and Alice, laughed, quarrelled, and made up again. Roddy and I fought half in jest, and half in earnest, and kept up a silent merriment between ourselves, whilst poor Livy sat in his solitary bedroom eating his solitary dinner, and mourning the loss of his health, which prevented him sharing in the fun. The dessert consisted of apricots, plums, oranges, cakes and biscuits. At last the great affair being over, we adjourned to the drawing room. Tchi Tchi came. I gave her the book and then we took a walk and saw the Hodgsons. Tchi Tchi and Mrs Isaacs
begged me to stay for tea, as they have a sort of party, but I preferred spending my Christmas at home. Tried to make everything look like but it felt rather dull, and very much like Sunday. And thus has ended our Christmas of 1858. Passed over never to return. All alone have we spent it. No relations near us. To bed at twelve.
Sunday 26th December
Rose rather late and went to church. Felt very funny going to church two days running. Heard an excellent sermon, quite delighted with it. It was all about the year that was slowly dying, and begging sinners to leave off their evil ways, and begin life anew with the New Year. Oh, if I could, how willingly would I do so! Taught my Sunday School children, who as there were a great number, behaved very badly. Immediately after Sunday School, started for the Circular Quay, and shipping ourselves on the N. Shore ferry boat, were landed safely at Milsons Point.
We walked up to St Leonards, and there were joined by the Manns, who welcomed us with screams of joy, and in two hours more we were at the Mann's house. Passed the evening, amidst laughter and amusements.
Monday 27th December
Boxing day. Early in the morning, we all went down to Mrs Drew's, and spent the whole day there. Had a picnic underneath a large pear tree, with a cow as the only spectator. The cool sea breeze was very refreshing and all were covered with smiles. Even the very face of Nature laughed with joy. The birds sang and the sun danced upon the waves, as the wind gradually disturbed their glassy calmness. Afterwards a violent hurricane came on, and we all went out in Mr D.'s boat to see the racing, and saw the hotly contested race between the Zephyr and the Emma which the latter won. At six returned home and was in bed by ten.
Tuesday 28th December
Had great fun all day. In the afternoon two of the Elks came over, the Capt. and Doctor, and we had great fun. But ah! how different are they to the Novaras - Went to bed at twelve.
Wednesday 29th December
Started for home at twelve and arrived about two, when after having had a cold dinner, I started off for Tchi Tchi then down to Wooloomooloo and came home at six. Felt very tired and sleepy. Livy a little better. Affairs are the same. No letter from Tommy to decide on movements about Parkhall, and it is undecided whether we remain here or not. I hope the latter. Found everything in confusion owing to our absence, or rather to that of Alice. The house in a filthy state and Roddy obstreperous. Alice spent the evening at the Cape's, and slept there. Felt very lonely without her, as she does so much in the house, and besides is a friend and my guide. To bed at twelve.
Thursday 30th December
Started off at ten for the North Shore, and were safely landed at Milsons Point about eleven. Saw the balloon go up, and the inhabitants of N. Shore were rather surprized to see such an immense ball hanging in the air. Children looked all amazement, and old men even rested on their spades to cast a glance upwards. Went all the way up to St Leonards and found no one there waiting for us, then down to Oyster Bay, but found from enquiries that the boat had been waiting three hours, and had at last gone home. So nothing could be done, no boat could be hired, nothing was to take us across that small sheet of water which only separated the Manns from us. To walk all round was our fate, so off we started. Lost our way, returned and from eleven till half past four were wandering in the lonely bush of the North Shore. Both alone, we were desperately
frightened, but what was fright and fatigue compared to the heat of the sun, which shone directly on our heads, it being mid-day. The heat and glare caught my eye, and caused me to see visions standing behind trees, and not knowing what I did I set off at a gallop, where to I never thought of considering, but on I went, to Alice's great fright, with whom I fell in a terrible passion, and called every name, because she would not give me any lollipops, which she had bought in the town. Oh, I behaved very badly, and poor Alice took it all very quietly, and never retaliated, but on steadily she went, determined to find out the way.
I need not describe the horrors of those dreadful six hours of the burning thirst and the gnawing hunger, which racked us far less the awful solitude and loneliness, which surrounded us on all sides, for not a habitation was visible, nothing but great dark trees, and an
interminable amount of woods, suffice it to say we reached the Mann's more dead than alive, but after drinking a glass of gingerbeer were much restored. Preciously tired we were, after walking ten miles in eight hours without counting the losing of our way and the countless retracing of our steps. The Elks were expected over this evening, but none of them came, to our very great disappointment. Particularly to the Manns, for although the Elks are not half as nice as the Novaras, yet they are better than nobody. Danced all the evening and went to bed at twelve.
Friday 31st December
The last day of the Old Year. Started for home with Mr M. and arrived at one. Went down to Wooloomooloo, and purchased things for tomorrow. At six began to dress for the juvenile ball to which we are going, which is held at Mrs Mort's this evening; at half past eight. Mrs Isaacs's carriage coming for us, we arrived at Mt
Adelaide at nine under the rigorous escort of Mr and Mrs Isaacs, and family, all excepting Tchi Tchi. Came home at two. It was a most delightful ball. Numbers of people were at it, and we enjoyed ourselves exceedingly. I danced a good many times for me, nearly as often as any grown up people danced, for the children danced nearly all night. Had to come away rather early, as Mrs Isaacs did not feel very well. Left four dances which I was engaged for. Danced the New Year in. I was dancing a quadrille at the time, with Mr Thomas Smith, and when we commenced it was ten minutes to twelve. I made him hold his watch in his hand, and at nve minutes warned our vis-a-vis of the coming year, and exactly at twelve, I seized his hand and wished him a happy New. Year, and called out the same to our vis-a-vis. Then I went round the room, and wished the same to all my mends and
acquaintances. Oh! it was great fun, and the best way of ushering in the New Year! But holier and calmer thoughts ought to have occupied me at that time,
for it is a solemn thing to think of the dying moment of that dear old friend, with whom one has lived so long, and perhaps seen many changes. This year has been a very happy year to me, and I ought to be thankful that no great calamity has occurred to darken our festivity, or to render our retrospections gloomy. Last year we spent this time with the Bradleys, and it was in looking out on the calm holy waters, sleeping under the peaceful rays of the moon, that hand in hand, we mourned the departing moments of our old friend, hushed was every voice and composed every countenance as they listened resounding over the water, the tolling of the bell for the year, and then smiles broke
out, as the merry peal for the new birth, echoed all around. Then dancing and mirth welcomed its arrival, and the tones of the piano struck forth a cheerful gallop. Oh, I feel mournful for the loss of my companion, fain would I bury all my past sins in its grave, and begin life anew. Oh, that each year may see me better and improved in heavenly knowledge, that peals of heavenly bells may announce my entrance into the abode of the Blessed, and not dull heavy tolling for a sinner doomed to torment! God, gracious Saviour, eternal Spirit, blessed Three in One, keep me free from all sin and evil during this next year, and not me alone, but all around. Oh, let each, as they yearly increase in age, say with fervour, God be praised, for He sheweth mercy upon me, and yearly increases me in spiritual knowledge.
Vol. II Ended December 31st, 1858
our family- No misfortune has overwhelmed us with shame, yet we the better for all these blessings, do we show our gratitude for everything? Let me think over my own actions, nd is there one that I can call good that has taken place last year? No, not one and far from improvement how much retrogradation presents itself to mine eyes. But I can safely say this has been a most happy year, the last five months have been the happiest of my life. Never more perhaps shall I be so happy. I have just come out, have just tasted the sweets of the world and like them very much. I have received attention and respect. Oh, that I may be happy again this year, I earnestly hope and trust. And
that our fortunes may improve. Taught our Sunday School children and afterwards all the Sunday School teachers received a lecture which lasted two hours and which was very entertaining. Came home at five and after tea went to bed at ten. The New Year has commenced but under no favourable auspices. Our minds are still unsettled about leaving and we are all in confusion. Tom threatens to sell Parkhall and then where shall we go? Livy today was sufficiently well to sit at table, he is recovering slowly and entertains hopes that his sight may return, it is our earnest wish.
Monday 3rd January
Beautiful day. Alice very ill so Mamma sent an excuse to Mrs Forbes stating Alice's illness and showing how impossible it was for Alice or I to go. I am so sorry, it will be such
a nice ball, as Mrs F. always gives nice ones and takes care that lots of gentlemen should be there. But disappts are common. Mamma made me cross today, so I behaved very badly. I was miserable thinking my birthday was tomorrow and how little all seemed to care about it and when I mentioned it they thought it a bore, so little do they care for my birth that they wish to pass it off without mentioning it. Perhaps the anniversary of my death they will not pass over with such indifference. It is all the same, what does it matter fifty years hence? When my passion was excited the Devil moved within me and I said ‘May I
I never live to see another birthday! I wished so on my 15th (so I did) and now I wish on my 16th
that I may never live to see my 17th'. The world is all darkened to me. No love no affection is ever shown. I am goaded on to madness by Jessie's continual loud words. Breakfast dinner and tea are passed by me in misery and suffering. She speaks at me, and to me the whole time, and I dare not answer her, for my passion would carry me away and I should not be answerable for my actions. However much her departure for ever might benefit this family I shall never wish it. I write now in misery of mind — oh my God, how long are we to suffer! After my spirit within me rebels and thinks how God who is all mercy and kindness can allow any one to create a perpetual hell, and ruin the character and temper of some of
his unfortunate fellow creatures. How long am I to suffer! I would sooner die than continue on in misery. My death shall lie at her door, she will be the cause and if God wills that she shall depart before me, the death and ruin of my soul will lie to her charge. She is the cause of all angry passions and evil thoughts arising. These are wicked and uncharitable words but oh the truth is sadly apparent. It is the fault of a bad education, but oh, let me not blame my poor Mother, her angel temper and forbearance shall not be censured, her amiability alone deterred her from punishing. Did not go to my music lesson.
Tuesday 4th January
Rose rather late. No one wished me happy returns of
the day. No, the day passed unheeded. Bitter were the tears I shed and the sorrow I felt was overpowering when I thought of past and bygone days and how wicked I was and thankless then, when I had a loving father to greet my birthday with kisses and a kind remembrance, and affectionate sisters with their tribute of love. Now nobody marks the day. I rise with mournful feelings and when sitting at the breakfast table no allusion is made whatever to the day, and I have to suffer Jessie's cruel and heartrending words as usual. Oh! sorrow when will it end! When will my mind be at rest 'Fain would I fly the haunts of men I seek to shun not hate mankind'!
Went down with Alice to Wooloomooloo. She gave me a book called
The Language of Flowers very pretty indeed, she has not forgotten the day, and the only gift from any relation shall be cherished. Mrs Boulton came to ask us out on a fishing excursion. I did not want to go, but we are obliged to. I wish I might have a few hours to myself on my birthday and have a few moments to think but, no, I must go, so off we started. Fished off Point Piper in a
boat with six children inside, two nurses and five grown up people. A pretty crush, but we caught a great number of fish and returned home at eight. The day being at last
discovered my health was drunk, whether only the outward wish or whether felt inside is hard to be found out. Went to bed at eleven very wearied. Thus ended my
sixteenth birthday. If I am spared may I spend a better one next year, surrounded by relations and happier in mind.
Wednesday 5th January
Pouring of rain all day, did various things and we both were very much disapptd at the appearance of the rain, as we were to go to the Mann's today to attend a large picnic they give, but we are not amphibious animals, so must suffer disappt. Poured unceasingly, so were obliged to give up all hopes of going over.
Thursday 6th January
Cloudy morning but we were determined not to miss the picnic, so off we went. Reaching the Circular Quay we hired a waterman's boat and in half an hour were at the Mann's wharf for the moderate sum of five shillings
just as a man-of-war pinnace sailed up to the other wharf. Our best plan was now to escape up to the house unobserved, so we ran to the kitchen and were just popping inside when Bridget saw us and told Mrs M., who kissed us and told us to go into the drawing room where they together with the officers of the Elk were assembled. In we marched and, oh! what an embracing we received! How quick the tide of public favours turned, two minutes before the officers told us, they had been abusing us for not coming, now into what rapture were they thrown when they saw us coming in. Vain would it be for me to describe the amount
of kissing and the enthusiasm that our arrival caused, but after having been deared and embraced to every one's content we all marched down to the huge pinnace, which looked like a small vessel, and getting under weigh we were ' soon cutting the dark blue waters of the Port Jackson, Oh! it was such a gay scene! The boat filled with officers and ladies in gay dresses, flags flying, sails flapping and sailors dressed in holiday costume, contentment sitting on every face we sailed all up the harbour and at last landed upon Bradley's Head, where we had our picnic, which was a first rate one and had immense fun, all sorts of games were proposed and entered into.
Captain ... was then proposer of everything and the nicest man I ever saw, there are exceptions of course. We inspected the cannons and only wished to fire them off, oh we had such fun I laughed so much that I could hardly breathe. Coming home Captain . .. took his guitar and sang all sorts of nice songs upon it at which we all laughed heartily. Finally we landed at the Mann's wharf at nine after a very pleasant day. But the joys were not yet over. Attiring ourselves in snowy white muslins we came down to tea where all the officers were assembled and the tables being cleared away we had a delightful dance till one in the
morning when, the company leaving, we retired to our rooms and were asleep by two.
Friday 7th January
Spent the whole day at the Mann's. Had great fun dancing the evening talking over the Novara's and reading books.
Saturday 8th January
Came home very early, as we have to go to Manly Beach with the Boultons. Poured of rain but got all safe to Craigend Terrace, where we heard the startling news that an attempt had been made to rob us during the past night. A bundle containing dirty clothes and coats were found in the kitchen next morning and half a loaf of bread was taken and everything was pulled about. Mrs B. came to say that our visit to Manly Beach was postponed till Tuesday. Very glad of it, for I am heartily tired and
require rest. I had commenced a course of reading but now that is all broken up. Every day I am out and do not know what rest is. I am satiated with gaiety. Passed the day in rest and quiet but very idle. When I have a day to myself I am too tired to commence any hard book, and feel contented with some novel.
Sunday 9th January
Splendid day. Did not go to church. In the afternoon taught our Sunday School children, and spent the evening very unprofitably. No reading. No nothing. My mind is quite unsettled. Mr Chanter called but Alice was away and Mamma would not let me see him. ,
Monday 10th January
Went to music lesson, read a new piece to practice. Very difficult, oh how I do dislike music! Not the hearing of it
but the playing. Miss Allen came in the afternoon and asked us to spend the afternoon, which we did and came away at eleven.
Tuesday llth January
Went down early to the wharf, where we were joined by the Boultons and waited for half an hour impatiently for the steamer. The steamer soon hove in sight crowded with people, and crowds poured in on its approach to the wharf.
Joined by Mrs Isaacs and her party, which consisted of Frar. and Eta Croxton. We succeeded in getting on board but every seat was occupied and the prospect was very dismal of having to stand but the cabin graciously offered itself so in we went. Fourteen children (two of them babies) two nurses and five
of us were safely landed at the pier, Manly Beach, where the children were placed in a cart and driven to the ocean beach, but Bosy stayed with F. H. and F. Isaacs and we amused ourselves by riding about on donkeys, which verified the old saying 'If I had a donkey as wouldn't go etc'. Soon we saw Mrs I. running about distracted. Bosy was lost, he had left his companions and they had seen nothing more of him. Oh, there was a dreadful scene! For three full hours we raced in the burning heat everywhere till after one o'clock. Mr Isaacs found B. quietly walking by himself amongst the thick bushes and Alice rushing up told Mrs I., 'He is found'. It was too much for her nerves to stand, they had
been already touched and no sooner did these grateful words reach her than she tumbled into violent hysterics and screamed and laughed at a terrible rate. Oh, the scene was terrible, no words of mine can describe it. Suffice it to say the doctor was called for and after various restoratives being applied she recovered a little and we had a merry picnic and the evening passed off pleasantly enough. But for this little incident which disturbed the equanimity of the whole party it would have been a very pleasant day. Returned home by the six o'clock boat and at eight were in our maternal mansion.
Wednesday 12th January
Very tired and sleepy after our exertions of yesterday. In
Sydney all day, very wearied at night and unfit for anything.
Thursday 13th January
Was on the point of writing a letter to Tommy about letting Parkhall when 'pop' in he came! No definite arrangement as yet made and whether we go to Parkhall or not is uncertain. But oh, how wearisome this anxiety of mind is! He speaks one thing and means another. He declares now that he intends selling Parkhall, marrying Mrs Downey and living on her income. Poor young man, he has been rshipping the golden calf all his life and is now going sacrifice himself for it. I wish he would decide one way the other. Were to go this evening again to the Boultons I am
not going, as Campbell has promised to take us to see Anderson. Went to the Bible class, where we were scolded by Mr Croxton for not being more regular and given a verse in the Bible to study afterwards. At seven the cab came and Catherine, Roddy, Alice and I went all off to the Lyceum Theatre to witness the wonderful tricks of Anderson. Returned home at one. Andersen's tricks were truly wonderful — I never saw anything in my life to equal them. We saw plum pudding made in a hat and tasted some of it. I have kept a piece. Also little books which came out from the same hat. Also got one of these violent toothaches, not asleep till after two.
Friday 14th January
Up at five very tired
and sleepy but must be at the Boulton's at seven. Started off at six without any breakfast. Arriving there we found the boat waiting and we started immediately, with the usual amount of children and the nurse that always accompanies very juvenile specimens of humanity. We started off all serene and went all up Middle Harbour, touching at Shell Cove and having our picnic in a very sheltered grove underneath a huge Indian fig tree, with a calm lagoon running on one side and the roaring sea on the other. Afterwards fished till it was time to start. Walked all the way to the Bloxsome's and returned to Lindesay at nine. Children crying and my tooth aching to madness. But
on the whole we spent a very pleasant day. Our faces were perfectly crimson. A little animal gave me a large bite on my cheek, which instantly swelled up and my whole cheek became perfectly white and hard. It is very painful. The insect dropped off afterwards, but Mr B. thinks from the appearance of the bite that it is a centipede. Our hands are scorched red and very great pain, I can hardly allow the slightest thing to touch mine and on the whole we have been regularly broiled. Sat up till one arranging the fruit that Mrs B. got from the Bloxsomes and then after washing our faces and hands in toilet vinegar we went to bed.
Saturday 15th January
We were to have gone this morning to Manly
Beach with the Manns and were to be at the wharf by ten, but we are too tired to trudge off there and with our faces and hands can go nowhere. So we did not come home from the B.s till two. Arriving we heard that Mamma had arranged to start from here on Friday for Parkhall to remain there a week. Agreed to go with her and very delighted that I can get change of air and a rest from all this gaiety, j which sickens me. Did nothing all day, have not read or J done a single thing for more than two months.
Sunday 16th January
Went to church afterwards went to Sunday School. Read a sermon, which I hope will improve me. Passed the day very unprofitably.
Monday 17th January
Roddy went to his school. Eat fruit all day, as we
have not bought two baskets of peaches and nectarines, and Mrs Boulton gave a basket of fruit from the Rangers. Went to music. Was given by Mrs Logan a very difficult piece of music. Do not think I will have time to practise it. Read nothing all day. At twelve went to bed.
Tuesday 18th January
Letters came this morning from the Manns asking us to go over there, as some of the Elk's are going to be there. Started off at two and by six were at the Manns, they were rather surprised to see us as the weather appeared so threatening they thought we would not come, but we were very much kissed as usual. At six, alas! the weather appeared so bad the Elk's were not sent for, and we
spent a very pleasant evening dancing and reading. Went to bed rather late.
Wednesday 19th January
Rainy day. Did not go away early as Mr M.'s boat was occupied. Drank the health of the Novara's at dinner in Adam's Ale. We proposed toasts, seconded them, responded to them. One proposed Herr Meder and wanted me to respond, but I was silent. After dinner eat pears and read. Danced in the evening.
Thursday 20th January
R inv morning. The boat went into Sydney, and returned five The Manns went to see the cricket match, and left at the gates, as we have to go home. This match is between the Victoria Eleven and the Sydney Eleven.
Great sums are betted upon either side. But the Victorians, it is thought, will win as the Sydneyites beating once before have grown careless. So often is the case. Success makes one over confident of ourselves, while those who have sufficient in the beginning and patiently set to work usually reach the goal. The fable of the hare and tortoise admirably represents this. The hare, vainglorious and pompous, sets off in the beginning, laughs at the slowness of the steady tortoise and lays down to sleep. The tortoise, not over confident of success and patient and persevering, pursues her way, and as a reward for her diligence reaches the goal.
Patience always meets with some reward.
Walked through Sydney on our way home and were very tired when we reached Craigend. Sat up till two o'clock busy packing up and went to bed in the morning with an easy conscience that all was ready for tomorrow's trip. That feeling is very pleasant to lay down and know that all is in readiness with nothing more to do but the trouble of starting and saying farewell.
Friday 21st January
Rose very early this morning, for we start today. But alas! after all our vain expectations, the night before, after all my packing and agreeable confusion which always precedes a departure, after all that
the day turned out rainy. The first sound that met my ears when they shook off the drowsiness of sleep, was the noise of pouring rain. It poured tin ten, so all hopes of starting were, to use a colonial phrase, at once knocked on the head. In a rage with everything and everybody I read a novel till it cleared up, and then Mamma said she would start by the two train. So with glee we prepared to start, and at twelve said goodbye to all at home and started in the omnibus for the train. I need not here describe how we were transferred from one omnibus to another and how I was obliged to the danger dislocating my arm
to carry our heavy portmanteau for half a mile to the station, but to pass over all these incidents we safely arrived at the station and after waiting for two hours in the ladies room we fairly arranged ourselves in one of the first class carriages and in another half hour after the engine screaming and puffing, were proceeding merrily on our way. There were two lady passengers inside with us, one of them was a Mrs Cordeaux, whom Mamma soon found out was once an intimate friend of hers and therefore renewed again the acquaintance. We went on and on, passing beautiful meadows enlivened by cattle and sheep
calmly grazing, looking up for one instant to catch a sight of the puffing monster that was rushing past them. On we went till the train came to its final station, Campbelltown and out we got, but no horse or gig was to be seen. We walked all over C. and enquired at every house, but we were doomed to be disappointed. No Campbell had been seen, and Mamma and I, after fruitless endeavours to obtain a vehicle of any description whatever, made up our minds to remain where we were. But now Mamma has an aversion to inns and will not go near one, so we at last resolved upon going to a little shop kept by Mrs Crawford. Whither we went
& were received very kindly by Mrs C. and passed the night there after despatching a letter to Campbell.
Saturday 22nd January
Rose after a very bad night and after having breakfast waited anxiously for C. Read novels of a very bad description (the only sort of books the house contained) all day and six o'clock approaching and no horse and gig to be seen anxiety began to weigh down our minds. There was no alternative. Go in the mail cart we must. We could not stop another night where we were, so that odious butcher's cart must be our dignified carriage. And so, being a thing of necessity and therefore to be taken quietly, we mounted
& were off. There were two passengers with us. An old man and a young girl, the former tipsy, and the latter his daughter and obliged to suffer the degradation of seeing her father worse than an animal. But on we went and soon the cart stopped at Prior's Inn, where to our surprise Campbell came out to meet us, and giving us a scolding for coming in such a conveyance, he led us into the Inn
and shewing us to a bedroom he left us to sleep away the anxieties and fatigue we had both suffered and undergone. A nice dignified way for Lady M. to make her appearance Appin, mounted in a dirty butcher's cart which even Miss Larkins the wealthy miller's
daughter turns up her long nose at!
Sunday 23rd January
Usually a day of rest and quiet, but with us it must be a day of travelling. Long was our conversation how to obtain a horse to put in a gig. We enquired everywhere but no one would or could lend us one but at last there turned up a Mr Fay who declared he would do anything for Mamma and was only too proud to lend his horse; or anything else he had in the world, so the horse being obtained and harnessed Mamma was stationed thereon and I was mounted upon a little black pony which had never carried a lady before. Mamma was rather anxious about me
at first but the pony, after a few little jumps and kicks to testify that it liked the male sex better, started off and all went merrily as a marriage bell. Arriving at the Pass I started off alone, leaving the gig far behind and setting off my horse at a canter felt free again and delirious with joy and excitement. Ride where I choose, jump over a log, dismount, do anything that my wish proposed. There was no one to prevent me. Far away from any human creature or dwelling, I felt alone in the majesty of the woods, and experienced all the delights of freedom. Pulling up for one instant I looked around and felt what I had often
wished to feel before, loneliness. There was no sound to disturb my musings. No, not a breath disturbed the air, not the note of a bird, nor the lowing of a cow. It was delightful. Also the thought came over me at this moment that nearly all the inhabitants of the country are engaged in prayers, they are at this moment worshipping their Maker. And shall I, a poor sinful mortal, not render my homage too, on a day and hour set apart for worship when all around shewed me the manifold works of my Divine and great Creator? The very birds were silent, all had an air of sacredness and respect. I prayed but Alas! it was
but a short prayer and, awakened again to where I was, I cantered on and never stopped, till Parkhall bursting on my view and the slip rails impeding my progress obliged me to pull up.
Seeing a black umbrella moving amidst the long grass, which high and swaying to and fro looked like a troubled sea I cantered up to it and, discovering a horse also, I hailed it and was answered by a gruff voice proceeding out of its depths 'For G's sake stop your horse, mine will set off if you don't' but seeing it was only Tommy, who under a capacious umbrella and attired in dirty white kid gloves paraded the demesne of his large estate. I cantered up, to that individual's great
dismay, who implored me to stop. Fearing that his delicate nerves should in any way be harassed I pulled up, and then telling him all the news, I got off my horse, and after parading through the house inspecting each room, and being equally satisfied with each, I marched into the garden with the vain hope of discovering some fruit, but alas! not a vestige of a peach or fruit of any description was to be seen, and I must fain content myself with some unripe mandarins. An hour afterwards Mamma came up and after having lunch we wandered all round the place. Went to bed very tired at eleven. Read The Widow Married and The Newcomes.
Monday 24th January
rather late and went down. Amused ourselves by reading novels of which there are but two: Mrs Trollope's The Widow Married and The Newcomes. About two o'clock mounted our horses and cantered off to Appin, where we saw Mrs Sparling and Miss Perkins and Miss Redall. Invited these three individuals to come over and see Parkhall next day. Returned home at seven and after a very hearty dinner went to bed at eleven.
Tuesday 25th January
Up rather late and spent an hour admiring the peacocks' tails, which they displayed to their greatest advantage. Read novels all the morning till one, when Mr S.'s little pony chaise came up to the door and out of it was squeezed the ponderous
& gasping Mrs Sparling, the middle-sized and middle-aged Miss Redall and the tiny diminutive Miss Perkins, each of them offering a striking contrast to each other. Last of all out jumped the agile little Mr S. All being safely arrived, we proceeded to pay the hospitalities due to so large a company. Showed them all over the house and at six they proceeded on their way homewards. It was too late to get in the horses to have a ride, so I must e'en content myself with wandering about the place. Read and at eleven went to bed.
Wednesday 26th January
Up early and roaming about, eat oranges and apples. Read, and played music. At two off with Tommy on horseback
to see Condell Park. It is a splendid place, and will be in a few years a very lucrative one. At present it is covered with farms. Rode up and down Alien's Creek (a very dangerous place) and it was eight before we returned.
Thursday 27th January
Our last day here, I am so sorry, as I like the place so much. I hope we will come and live here, but I am afraid not. The world and its pleasures seem too much for fashionable sisters but when I am my own mistress I shall, if I can, live in a place like this.
Received a letter from Alice in which she informed me I have been asked to a large picnic at the Isaacs's and to a fete given on board the Elk on the Anniversary of the
Colony. To both of which I am not sorry that I have not been! Riding and boating are my favourite amusements and when I can get one I am satisfied 'Borne by my stud' I feel free, and I would give up all to gain that pleasure. Went after dinner again to Appin and not home till very late. To bed very tired and sleepy.
Friday 28th January
We must take our departure today. I am very sorry. The horses were put in and after bidding a sorrowful farewell to the dear old place
we started off, Mamma and Tommy in the gig and I on Stella. Reaching Appin we bid goodbye to the Sparlings and leaving Stella to their tender mercies and to my great regret, off we started in the old pony chaise of Mrs Sparling and arrived in good time at Campbelltown. For an hour we amused ourselves looking over the grave-
yard, and reading various elegies, then taking our places in the railroad off we started homeward. It was six when we reached Craigend, where we found all in good health.
Saturday 29th January
Received a letter from Minnie Mann telling me all about the Elk's fete and painting all the fun they had in glowing terms. Passed the day in idleness.
Sunday 30th January
I went to church, saw the Isaacs. Went to Sunday School.
Monday 31st January
Went to Sydney. Out walking with Tchi Tchi in the evening.
Tuesday 1st February
Out again this day and afternoon. The three following days passed without any event to note their dawn and departure, until —
Saturday 5th February
Hot day, went into Sydney with Mamma and Alice, bought muslin dresses and a present for Tchi Tchi, as today is her birthday and we go to a large party there this evening. It (her present) was a desk filled with every possible thing. Rulers etc., even down to postage stamps, paper and envelopes of every description only costing fourteen shillings. Came home at six very tired. Dressed in a great hurry and off at eight to the party. Returned at one as it is Sunday morning. It was a most delicious party. A young Oxonian was there called Mr
Miller, who paid me great attention, he danced nearly every dance with me and complimented me very much thereupon. He spoke to others about me, and said what an excellent dancer I was and said that it might not be likely he would meet me at any more parties, but that if he did he would most certainly engage me for every gallop and waltz. Oh! it was so nice! Such a nice young fellow. A lot of officers and gentlemen accompanied us to the door, each walking in pairs. I was leaning on Mr Miller's arm walking in front. A Dr Raynor who was
walking behind kept calling out 'Leave the young couple alone, can't you'. Such roars of laughter! Oh, such fun!
Sunday 6th February
Went early to the Isaacs' to walk to church with Annie Smith, who slept at the Isaacs' last night but she had changed her mind and went to St John's. Went to the Sunday School, from whence I went with Tchi Tchi to her house, when I accompanied her for a drive, leaving Annie Smith at her house.
Monday 7th February
Went off to the Boulton's, where we are to reside for one month.
Tuesday 16th March
On looking over my journal I find a lapse of more than a month has passed away without my noting it down, it has faded away into obscurity and those days have passed unnoticed by me. But why is this? What is the cause of this
great idleness on my part? Alas! there is much to blame but my health has not been good, and in fact my whole spirits have been depressed, I can write nothing. But it is only today I have returned from the Boulton's having been absent from home one month and nine days, only coming in once a week for an hour to see how all were getting on. We have been enjoying ourselves very much during our stay.
On Monday 7th February Mrs Boulton gave us a ball. Oh such grand preparations, such decorating of rooms and with it such fun! Alice and I wrote out the programmes, which consisted of 100 but fifty refusals were
received, owing to many leaving the Colony and two deaths occurred. The programme I had the honour of writing out and I took care there should be plenty of waltzes marked down. After much trouble, the grand evening arrived and we attired : in pink daisies and tarlatan (I wore flowers for the first I time) together with the Manns, who came and dressed at , Lindesay and sat waiting in the reception room for the visitors, who soon poured in. Oh! it was such fun, we danced every dance!
Mr D. Forbes praised my dancing very much indeed and told me that Alice and I were the best dancers in the room, which was a compliment that
has often been paid me. The ball did not break up till three o'clock, when all having enjoyed themselves thoroughly and being all tired out they took their departure and after seeing the last to the door, we retired into the supper room prepared by Dettman and there satisfied with good things the inward cravings. Our poor feet were so tired! The old musician played splendidly and kept up the excitement well. When it was five o'clock and the grey streaks of dawn began to appear, we retired to rest, but only for three hours, as before saw us up dressing. All that day we had such fun with the Manns, such laughing and dancing, it was
famous fun. The Manns stayed next day too. Mr Chanter came in the evening and we had dancing until ten. Mrs Boulton has been so very kind, she has given Alice and I each a beautiful ring, mine is blue turquoise and Alice's opals and rubies. She has also given us a French muslin dress and lace collar. She looked so nice the night of the ball and received her visitors with grace and elegance.
Today, Tuesday, we have only returned for a short time as we must be at Mr Mann's office by five o'clock. We reached all safe, our parcel being carried by a boy, and after being smothered by dresses and caresses and overwhelmed with questions,
neither party waiting for an answer, we proceeded to relate all adventures. Danced in the evening.
Wednesday 17th March
Up at seven but not down till breakfast time. Read and walked about during the morning. After dinner rambled about outside, slept a little time, from which I was awakened by a violent hugging from Fanny. The Miss Finches came at six. Commenced to dress, as some of the Heralds are coming over. HMS Herald is now in dock and we expect fine fun. At seven five of the officers walked in, and the dancing commenced. Oh! we had fine fun, such romping sure was never seen before, such skipping in the
quadrilles and racing everywhere! At two o'clock they took their departure and after much laughter and comments upon the various officers retired to balmy repose.
Thursday 18th March
Was aroused at seven this morning by a violent twitching of the nose, and discovered on opening my eyes Mrs Mann with the tongs, preparing to give me another pinch. All other means having failed to awaken me she at last had had recourse to the latter expedient. The two Alice's this morning went off to Craigend with strict injunctions that Fanny and I were to take the boat over to Oyster Bay to meet them on their return. Read and amused myself in various
ways. At three Fanny, Miss Finch and I started off in the boat to Oyster Bay, we two rowing and Miss F. steering. After waiting there for an hour and no traces of the two Alices appearing, we landed the boat and proceeded to regale ourselves with oysters, which are very plentiful here. When we had eaten more than we wanted, we boarded the boat again and proceeded to row up the Bay. Resting on our oars watching the men at the sugar works when behold! a man-of-war's boat came round the point at full speed with Mr Howard in it and Minnie and Lucy Finch and some children in it, followed by the Captain's gig with Mr Chanter and four oars. Our first
impulse was to row to the land and escape in the bushes but both boats coming on each side we were fairly caught. After exclamations of astonishment and displays of our prowess on sea we offered to race Mr Chanter in his gig with four oars. So off we started. We pulled hard and to Mr Howard's admiration in the other boat, who kept exclaiming he didn't think ladies could pull so well, our little skiff shot ahead of both boats and in all appearances we beat, but I think Mr Chanter allowed us to win, although he called out 'Give way my lads' but becoming tired of racing and pulling we landed
& proceeded up the N. Shore road hoping vainly to see some traces of the two wanderers.They did not make their appearance however and we started homewards, some in Mr Chanter's boat and some in Mr Howard's towing our little skiff. It was quite dark when we arrived, and the officers took their departure. They had come over to take us to see the Herald in dock, so of course we were very much disappointed at the non-appearance of the two Alices. After all they came over in Mr Mann's boat and they received a precious scolding. Dancing till ten. .
Friday 19th March
Alice M. and Miss Finch
off early this morning to invite the Rogers to come this evening. Minnie and I busy all day making custards and trifles, and preparing the rooms •etc. for a dance at eight. All very tired we proceeded to dress and were all in readiness by seven. At eight the Miss Rogers came with their divine brother and the officers soon after made their appearances, the same number as before, and dancing commenced with great spirit. Mr E. Mann dressed up in his uniform of 92nd Highlanders, in which he looks very well, and Fred dressed up in the Royal Horse Artillery. Such romping perfectly danced off our legs and by the time Sir Roger de Coverley was played
I could regularly dance no more, I was perfectly done up but onward I must go, no delay on, on! After singing our National Anthem all took '•heir departure and five o'clock saw us snug in bed. .*: :
Saturday 20th March
Up at six to see the Herald out of dock. The alarm was given and out we all rushed to the Point helter skelter and reached just in time. On came the Herald till it passed right underneath the rock we were standing upon, till we could distinguish the officers quite well on board, till we could hear the flapping of the sails, the straining of the cordage, the hoarse
commands of the Captain, the shrill whistle of the boatswain, till our excitement knew no bounds, and we shouted and waved handkerchiefs and hats innumerable, answered by loud cheers fror.i on board the waving of hats and handkerchiefs from the officers. Down went the flag in honour of us dip, dip it went, pulled lustily by three of the officers. We, transported beyond all measure, ranged ourselves in a row along the rock, a formidable line of eight girls all the same height, and to each dip we made a low bow to acknowledge the compliment while at one word off went hats waving,
frantically answered by those on board, at this moment the ship came to a standstill and the boats were hauled up, which we thought were going to be manned to take us on board and I declared I could go whether no one else could, the sailors seemed in commotion, sounding lines were constantly thrown over, the sails flapped, the ropes strained, the ship had missed stays and was nearly on the rocks, but still that little group of officers kept waving with all their power in the bow of the vessel, still they remained unmoved and just as Ball's Head was on the point of hiding them from our view, down went the blue
ensign which they had up, and up went the British Jack, our own red ensign floated gallantly over the waters of the little calm bay. At this our excitement became tremendous, we shouted and hurrayed, waved and bowed till the cruel Head hid them from our sight. Then we girls all returned and spent the day bemoaning the loss the Dock sustained in the departure of the Herald. In the afternoon Capt. Vernon called. Woodall came from Sydney with a story that three of the officers were under arrest for disobedience of orders and on account of the vessel being nearly on the rocks. But we do not believe this.
In the evening danced and read till twelve o'clock when, it being Sunday morning, off we went to bed.
Sunday 21st March
Up early, though very much fatigued and at ten started in the boat off for church, which we reached in very good time. The sermon was a very sleepy one and not calculated to improve the minds of the audience. After service we went down to Mrs Rogers', where we heard some stories of the Herald's and had a tumbler full of ginger wine, which was very refreshing. Arrived at the Mann's at two. After dinner started out in the boat and Minnie and I rowed the larger boat filled with children
and seven grown up people, with heavy oars to Ball's Head, where we resigned our post to fresh hands. When we returned to the wharf Minnie and I got into the skiff and each seizing a scull we offered to race the big boat. With three hands rowing off we went pulling for our very lives, but we were beaten. When the others had landed for a short time on the opposite shore we tried to steal away oars and rudder, but Mrs Mann and Fred came to the rescue and seized our boat. We gallantly defended our little craft but odds were against us, our stolen possessions were obliged to be given up, but not before I had pushed Fred into the water
and given him a thorough ducking. After many more tricks and great fun we proceeded to the wharf as it was nearly quite dark. Had tea, after which E. Mann, Alice and I entered into a long discussion upon English history which was very entertaining. At eleven went to bed.
Monday 21st March
Up early this morning and packed our bundles. Started off after many embraces, kisses etc. at eight arrived home about ten. There we found all in perplexity and astonishment the news of Tommy's marriage with that woman Mrs Downey being confirmed. Yes! he has done the fatal deed! Ruined himself for ever, connected his family with a low woman, a
woman of no character. Once our servant, and well known in Sydney by all the loungers at the Clubs for holding gentlemen's levees at her house! He has sold himself to the golden calf, he has bowed down and worshipped that idol. He has forsaken the religion of his father and joined the Roman Catholic. And can we, can the family of Sir Thomas Mitchell speak and acknowledge this brother and son that has committed this deed? Can the family of Lord Audley, coming from gentle blood from the Conqueror, can they suffer themselves to have this architect's wife as their Aunt? It is a hard
struggle, but yet he is our brother. Bone of our bone, flesh of our flesh and as such we must treat him. He shall be received but the shadow of that woman shall never darken these doors. After mourning and sympathizing with all in this affliction, I discovered to my great horror that half a sovereign had been taken out of my purse. We have new servants and the character of one we doubt. She is addicted to drinking and my drawers being left open the money could easily have been taken. But satisfactory evidence must be obtained before the character of a woman is taken away.
Misfortunes never come alone. My ring I find has been left at the Mann's, or dropped out of the work basket. I wrote off immediately begging them to take care of it. At twelve Tommy came. We sympathized with him. He, poor fellow, regrets extremely he ever was mad enough to fall in that woman's power. She now treats him very badly, the cloven foot has begun to peep forth. Went to sleep all the afternoon as I felt so tired and sick.
Tuesday 22nd March
Rose rather late and occupied all the morning in fixing drawers, took medicine, still feel very ill, so weak that I can hardly walk a step.
Alice went to the Boulton's. Miss Reid came, with whom we had a long conversation, Annie Hodgson also. Posted letters to Dicky and Minnie Mann. Wrote all the afternoon. Mamma went out to a meeting. Did not return till nine. At eleven went to bed feeling very ill.
Wednesday 23rd March
Beautiful morning, so cool and refreshing. Received an invitation to go with the Manns to a dejeuner on board the Herald. Delighted at the prospect.
Thursday 24th March
Alice went to music lesson. All day making sleeves etc. Rec'd letters from England, all well. Milly on her voyage out. Lots for Alice from Mr D. All read in great hurry and excitement as it was
4 & we ought to have started. Packed up our things, gave Bean the parcel to carry and set off. Found the boat waiting and Fred in a great passion at being kept so late, but when we were all safely stowed away in the boat there was peace. Had great fun laughing and talking. Went to bed at eleven.
Friday 25th March
Up early and all dressed for the dejeuner by twelve. But we were doomed to wait one hour before Mr Howard's boat came. At last we heard the welcome sound of oars and in a few minutes were scudding across the delightful water. A goodly array we were too, what with eight ladies in scarfs, gay bonnets, with dresses to match,
with happiness beaming on every countenance anticipating pleasure, all pain swallowed up in the pleasant future. A handsome young officer at the stern, six jolly looking tars all in holiday dress and old England's British ensign flying at our stern. All this, I say, must have made a beautiful sight and the boat bounded on not lighter than the many light hearts which occupied it. On on, we went till we clambered up the ladder at the Herald and after a few promenades instantly joined the dance. Dancing on till my sight grew dizzy and my side to ache. On, on, the band playing their best.
In the gathering whirl of excitement who can suffer pain? Then to supper, afterwards dancing again. Mr Hixon danced very often with me and gave me a fan to remember the Herald by, and lots of kisses (wrapped up in paper). Oh, it was such fun, such glorious fun. Soon all the guests went away, our party remained the last ladies on board. But the music sped faster and faster, our feet flew. Mr Mann vainly trying to catch us to take us off. No, on we went till it was pitch dark and the boats being got ready home we must go, so off we merrily sped accompanied by Mr Howard and Mr Hixon. As we left 'God
Save the Queen' was played and three hearty British cheers rung through the air. The two officers and all of us played grab and danced till twelve when we went to bed, preciously tired and Mr H. and Mr Hixon slept in the drawing room.
Saturday 26th March
Up rather late very tired, the officers left with Fred soon after breakfast and we remained talking about all the preceding events.
Sunday 27th March
Went to church. Mr Clarke preached a very sleepy sermon. Went out in the boat in the afternoon and rowed it all the way to Ball's Head. When we came home Fanny was looking in yesterday's paper when, uttering an
exclamation she screamed, out 'The Lincolnshire's at Melbourne!' Not believing her I gave her a scolding and told her it was very foolish to give one starts, but on my own eyes seeing the fact in black and white I gave one scream and set off running pell mell to tell Alice, who was out walking. No sooner did she hear the news that dashing away from everybody, off she set screaming, leaving Alice Mann in much astonishment. When the news of Milly's arrival became generally known universal joy prevailed and we were thankful that the vessel had arrived safe.
Monday 28th March
Off early in Mr Mann's boat. At home we
found everybody in great excitement moving chairs, tables etc. Set to work instantly cleaned the inner drawing room in no time, dragged down beds and in short in one hour the whole house was in confusion. But we have received no telegram message of any kind, so we do not know how Milly is, but we hope all is quite right. Sat up till one working hard.
Tuesday 29th March
Was frightened at finding myself as pale as a ghost, dreadfully weak and my legs unable to sustain me. My head dreadful. All day working till the skin peeled off my aching fingers. Curtains up this evening and valence for table made. Ellen, our paragon of
neatness and cleanliness, rolling tipsy, unable to attend to the table, an additional sorrow on my hands. The room rapidly progressing. Worked and thought over the happy scenes of the past week in which delightful dream some figures found their place, and one in particular. Miserable not knowing when I shall see them again. Up till two, till the lights burnt blue and the ghosts frightened us to bed.
Wednesday 30th March
Up at half past five. Not so very tired. Swept out and put the store to rights. Cleaned out the sideboard drawers and put the silver to rights, afterwards dreadfully tired. Lady Forbes came with Mrs Dowling, from the latter we took an
affectionate parting as she leaves for the country soon. Rec'd a letter from Mr Forbes asking us to accompany them to the ballet this evening but being all busy and expecting Milly tonight we were obliged, to our great disappointment, to refuse. A good many visitors came, amongst whom was Sir C. Nicolson, but no admission allowed. Work nearly over had a short rest. Expected Milly and Jack, watched every carriage but were doomed to be disappointed. Went to bed at twelve.
Thursday 31st March
Slept sound and up late. Expected Milly all day. Towards evening our hopes of seeing them that day began to be deferred. Tchi Tchi
Isaac came, with whom I was having a long chat when up drove a carriage and with one united scream down we rushed downstairs. Yes, there was Milly, nurse and baby. Oh, how delighted were we! We kissed and hugged, we embraced, the poor cabman was nearly not being paid in the general commotion. Poor Tchi Tchi made her escape as soon as possible. And the baby, the dear little baby! Can I describe it? Can I sufficiently describe that little darling? A little sunbeam shedding sunshine around, on whom the world has not yet cast its dark shadow. Its little laughing blue eyes, merry chubby cheeks,
beautiful little mouth crowing with delight entranced us. Nothing can be more engaging than this child, though not so pretty as its picture led us to expect yet it is quite pretty enough. Milly is just the same as ever, only much thinner and a little bit more matronly, just the same old girl. But she had an unpleasant bit of news to tell us and that was that she had been confined on the voyage and had had twin boys just like their father but both were still-born. We were sorry to hear the poor little things were dead. Oh, the meeting was joyful! Soon after
John Mann came. He also underwent a tremendous hugging. The rest of the afternoon spent in speaking of home friends and in hearing all the news. We ought to be thankful that all have arrived safe after their long and hazardous voyage, particularly Milly, who suffered so much on board with an inexperienced doctor. Ellen perfectly rolling tipsy. Very uncomfortable.
Friday 1st April
Our door bell rang very violently this morning. E. went in a great hurry but no one was there. Found that we had been made April fools of. Tried to make everybody look very foolish but succeeded very badly. What
an absurd custom this is! In the afternoon Mrs Boulton came — violent flood of tears on seeing Milly. Mrs Mann came. Kissing match, such confusion. Old Uhr came. No kissing, but violent wringing of the hand. At four we got ready to accompany Mrs Mann home, they will have a party tonight. Went in with Milly, who went to visit Mrs Wentworth. Landed all safe at the Manns by five then commenced to dress and by eight the officers began to arrive. Oh, it was a delightful party! Mr Hixon and Mr Howard were there and lots of the Cordelias. I walked up and down with the
former for a long time
in the verandah and we recited together a lot of Byron's poetry, The Corsair, and I spoke about Conrad and Medoro. It was perfect enjoyment but I ought now to be more careful how I speak. I say things which I ought not, for I do not care what I say, I am afraid I am commencing to be a little bit of a flirt. Not a bit of rest one minute till my side began to ache and I felt perfectly done for, wearied out, breathless. At last the nasty clock striking three warned everybody of the hour and of the necessity of parting. And they went away half breathless. I did not care what became of me, but if
he had stopped longer I could have gone on dancing though my feet were sore to the touch. We went to bed after much conversation laughing and yawning.
Saturday 2nd April
Up at ten preciously tired, sick and faint a languishing feeling creeping over me. The Cordelia went out of dock this morning but we were too tired to see her, and cheer her out of sight. The two Alice's went to Craigend this morning. Minnie and I rowed them to Oyster Bay in the skiff and then we amused ourselves rowing down, and landing the boat, we explored the Bay. At last the intensity of the sun's rays and the height of that luminiary
body in the heavens caused a precipitate departure and in my hurry to get into the boat I slipped, fell and knocked my nose against a hard oyster rock, which scratched all my nose and razed the skin. Smarting with the pain I regained my seat, but received no consolation but, 'Push off, will you!!' All the afternoon expected a Herald's boat to come but no signs of one. Played grab in the evening, each of us taking the name of various officers. Went to bed at eleven.
Sunday 3rd April
Minna Bradley's birthday, wonder whether she thinks of me today? Did not go to church. In the afternoon walked
about the green, talked and read.
Monday 4th April
Up rather late. Read and worked the greater part of the morning. Tantalized Mr Mann to have the officers over here on Tuesday but he persisted in an obstinate denial, which provoked me so much that I kicked his slippers underneath the bed and tossed everything about. Fred Mann also wanted to have them over and joined in an anxious solicitation, but it was all in vain. His firmness carried the day. In a great rage and very angry. :
Tuesday 5th April
Milly, nurse and baby came over, also the two Alices, acquainted the latter with the cause of our grief, mutual sorrow, but none
so great as mine. Up in the verandah saw a Herald's boat. Waved, but it was only Mr Howard. Mrs M. was angry afterwards I had waved. I am very sorry it was very wrong I confess, but I only waved slightly! In a great rage this evening when no one came. Minnie and I condoled with one another.
Wednesday 6th April
Up early read and walked about. At two all came home. Wore our new hats that Milly has brought us from England. Tchi Tchi came, asked me to tea. Dr Macdonald is to be there, did not go, felt tired of gaiety. Wish I had now, as Dr M. is there. Read Chamber's papers which Dickey sent me from Molong on Friday
1st April, they consist of ten volumes and are very interesting. Poor fellow, I wish I could send him something in return. Dr Foucart came spent the evening.
Thursday 7th April
All spent the day at the Boulton's, was amused by baby, a dear little thing. Came home at nine. Lots of visitors have been calling on Milly the last few days. They are too numerous to enumerate. Mr Chanter came today — left Kate's likeness.
Friday 8th April
Read all the morning and commenced Livingstone's travels. John Milly and Alice went out visiting in the afternoon. Tchi Tchi came. Went away in an hour's time. Fred Mann came, this evening stayed for tea told me the Herald would leave
tomorrow at two. Bad news that, stayed till ten then went to bed. Violent thunder shower.
Saturday 9th April
Up rather late. Mrs Boulton came, stayed till one. Band played beautifully reminded me of delicious dances on a certain ship. All past now, let all recollections be steeped in the waters of Lethe. My sore throat very painful indeed. Mamma and all went to visit. Mrs Murray called, also Mrs Merewether whom I was obliged to receive and talk twaddle for the space of an hour, also the Smiths. Read all the afternoon. Doctor Alloway came to see me. He pushed a paper knife down my throat and washed it with nitric acid. Still very sore.
Milly opened her jewel box. We all crowded round to see its mysteries. As one by one was unfolded our tongues resounded its praises, for certainly Milly has beautiful jewelry. Then John shewed us his stereoscopic slides of the Crystal Palace and of the different places of celebrity about England.- Up till twelve.
Sunday 10th April
Throat still very sore, the Dr ordered me not to go to church today but the rest went and Milly gave Alice and I a pair of bogoak bracelets. Violent headache came on, laid down all day slept. Dr came again, washed my mouth this time with rose water and iodine.
Churchbells ringing all around, carriages rolling and men talking. But all accompanied with that calm stillness which keeps one in mind of the holiness of the day. Sitting alone in Mamma's room with one solitary candle, left alone to my thoughts and to thee my journal, my only solace. The bells sound merrily in my ears still more merrily do the sounds ascend from down stairs, the joyous laugh of childish glee accompanied by the subdued laugh of older people, the loud talking with sounds of motion strikes pleasantly on my ears but reminds me of the loneliness
of my situation. Left alone with a racking headache, sickness and a prey to the mosquitoes, which throng around me in great numbers. To what do my thoughts refer? They are wandering away from the present scenes, they are taking a far journey over many hills of sorrow and many mountains of gladness that have chequered my past life. Now as I sit in silent loneliness they refer to Papa nearly forgotten by all, lying away over yonder hill cold and forsaken! How many were his kind words to me, his injunctions and his happy looks which never received me with a frown. And how
have I requited them, have I daily thought of my kind father, and have I striven to obey his words, no, nor even his kind injunctions? 'Be a good girl' now resound painfully in my ears, for alas! my conscience tells me those last words have never been obeyed.
Now do my thoughts taking a wide leap recur to happy scenes of later duration, of wild and furious dancing, of mirth and joy untouched by sorrow, of attention which never fails to please me of being liked by those who I myself like. Does he, I wonder, now far away upon the ocean (and, if not
there, at least far away from me) does he watch for my footsteps like I did for his? Would a party appear stupid and dull if I was not there? Would he care about dancing with any one else, would he come to see me at any house that he knew I was? I could feel and do all that for him. If not, why does he shew me particular attention, why does he always appear to have pleasure in my company? Ah! No one can tell, but all this is nonsense. I let my thoughts wander too much. Is this the train of thought suitable to Sunday evening with
church bells ringing all around? I must stop — besides my hand is so fatigued I can write no more. Bitter!
Monday llth April
Read and wrote all the morning. In the afternoon went out walking with Tchi Tchi as far as the Hilly's. In the evening Dr Foucart came and treated us to his company till eleven, eating till twelve then went to bed very tired and faint, under a course of medicine with Dr Alloway, who says I must eat a good deal to give me strength.
Tuesday 12th April
Up very early. Mrs Boulton spent the morning with us. I wrote all the afternoon till Tchi Tchi came. She took me out walking, met
Annie Hodgson. Tchi Tchi asked me to go to a children's party there tonight but I had to refuse, having a cold and being in the hands of a Doctor who would not let me go in the cold, at which she was excessively annoyed. Went to Mr Hanbury, who informed me that it was a great pity that Lady Mitchell was so shy of strangers! I looked comical. Dr Foucart came again today but only saw me. On Livy asking whether Tchi Tchi was one of our lot, poor Dr F. exclaimed with a deep drawn sigh 'Ah! it is precious little of your lot I am ever destined to see.' He has fallen desperately
in love with Jessie, but she turns up her nose at him and insults him whenever she sees him. Looked at John's beautiful stereoscopic slides, of which one could never tire. Went to bed at twelve.
Wednesday 13th April
Such cold delicious bracing weather makes me feel quite exhilarated. Read and worked. Some visitors called. Had to see them, which part of the business I did not much like. Read and worked till late.
Thursday 14th April
Up early, the cold and refreshing morning raising one's spirits. I amused myself in the verandah till quite late watching boys playing cricket, which is my greatest amusement, and
also taking care of the baby. Its dear little ways and never-ceasing smile cause all gloom to leave one's heart. Like a ray of sunlight does its beaming smile cast light over clouds of sorrow and makes them pass away. At twelve walked with Milly out to the Boulton's, dined there and afterwards went visiting.
Wednesday 27th April
What with continual heaviness in my head weighing down alike my thoughts and actions together with idleness caused thereby and never being for one day at home, I have not found one instant to write. The lapse of time
that has past unheeded can never be recalled by reading the days have fled away. Have spent the last fortnight off and on at the Boulton's working with her as she leaves soon for England. Coming in now and then to see how all were getting on, finding Ellen always tipsy. During this last week a most ridiculous anecdote occurred. Dr Foucart, who had been coming every day and night and invariably finding us out, at last became quite in a state. One night that we stayed at home he came and was quite delighted to find us at home. Determined to make the most of his
time he stayed till twelve meanwhile paying great attention to Alice altho' Mamma had told him before she was engaged. Well, next night we stayed at home also, so he came and Campbell saw him with us. He commenced by enquiring about the 77th in every possible manner, saying he had seen that day a warrant being issued out for the officers' apprehension, calling them in fact every worst possible name and then began saying he had been a dragoon officer, was in the Guards and how much superior to the infantry class of mortals. Alice, if
she had been a girl of any spirit, would have poured forth a thundering speech but she took it all quietly, to my great indignation. Horrid wretch! As soon as the lamp went out, which it invariably does at twelve he, after pouring forth every possible invective against the Regiment and after squeezing Alice's hand, fairly took his departure. But only from the drawing room, for meeting C. on the verandah he in the coolest manner possible commenced familiarly calling C. by his name and proposed for Alice. He stated that he had an
annual income of £15,000, with prospects of more, that he would do every thing to make her comfortable. C. said in objection that she was 1 betrothed already to a young officer. 'Oh!' says this wretch, 'Betrothments are nothing now, besides "A bird in the hand iis worth two in the bush"' and then drawing himself up ito his full height (he is immensely tall) he said, 'Look at imy inches and look at Dauncey's.'
What a wretch! No gentleman not to respect the sanctity of betrothment 'A bird etc.' indeed! Vulgarity, as much as to say, 'Hold fast Fou
cart, let fly Dauncey'. How the matter ended I do not know. If I had been C. I would have kicked him down the steps. He has not been here since. Have also been with Campbell to look over a house and grounds at Hulk's Bay, the property of John Carr but found both too small for the rent, which was £170 per annum.
Thursday 28th April
We have this day been invited to a large picnic at the Hodg-son's. Started off at eleven, in new hats and dresses in drizzling rain, and arrived at Mrs H.'s, where soon afterwards we and a lot of other girls all placed ourselves in an
omnibus with all the little boys on the top, including Roddy and Mr Hodgson at the door as conductors, and started off in full pelt, followed by a string of carriages and dogcarts containing the older members of the party, till we reached the Circular Quay. Here a scene of unpacking took place, drizzling rain all the time and we were soon all safely on board the Victoria steamer bound for Middle Harbour. It would take up too much space to enumerate all the people — sixty or seventy were there. Went alongside the Cordelia to get some officers off, but
only succeeded in getting one — Mr Leech. We all felt very sick passing the Heads but on nearing M. Harbour the sight of the green banks and the fresh trees, but above all the smooth hard beach, soon revived us again. After the picnic, which was a very splendid affair we walked, ran races and amused ourselves thoroughly. Roddy was taken great notice of, everyone spoke of the young Highlander and he behaved very well. On the whole it was very pleasant but I did not enjoy myself so thoroughly as at some picnics because there was no one that I cared
about. Came home at seven, found both servants tipsy and all in a state of discomfort. My temper not improved thereby.
Friday 29th April
Suffered all night from violent toothache. Livy dosed me with chloroform, which I foolishly swallowed and inhaled so I was up all night with violent pressure in the chest and did not close my eyes till three. Up very late this morning.
Alice went in the afternoon to the Boulton's to join Milly. Our servants dreadfully tipsy, one crying the other singing. To relate the account here of their disgusting behaviour would sicken me in after years. It will be enough to
say their conduct was truly revolting. At twelve went to bed, suffered also from toothache.
Saturday 30th April
Up early and off by the nine omnibus. Found Milly just starting home. Had rec'd an invitation some day back to spend today with the Forsters but Alice wrote a refusal, to my annoyance. Worked all day for Mrs B. To bed at eleven.
Sunday 1st May
Milly went to church. We, who had no bonnets, came home. Ellen only half tipsy but everything very dirty. Were greeted on our arrival with startling news. We had missed a great many things lately and always suspected Ellen but waited for a proof.
Last evening Mamma discovered her wearing one pair of brogues that Livy had missed. This morning going early into her room when she was asleep she found her with Mamma's chemise on, the name cut out, C's flannel waistcoat, a piece of our flannel round her neck and our stockings in her drawer. In a great state about it, I have missed several things, collars etc. Looked hastily over everything to see if all was right. Went to Sunday School. In the afternoon read.
Monday 2nd May
Milly came home early. She looked over her things in a great fright found
not much missing. Helped Catherine to look over our things, she has lost a great deal. In the afternoon dressed and accompanied Milly to Mr Mann's office where getting into a boat we started off and in an hour's time were in the arms of Minnie and Fanny. Played grab all the evening. At ten went to bed, where we laughed and talked ourselves to sleep. Suffered from violent toothache.
Tuesday 3rd May
Up rather late. Did nothing all the morning but walk about.
Mrs Whitton came and spent the day here. In the afternoon took her and Alice Mann over in the boat
to Oyster Bay, Milly rowed part of the way back and when tired would not give up because she was so afraid of moving. Fancy that in a person who has just come a journey on water of 60,000 miles! Played grab and whist. At twelve went to bed. Milly very ill with pain in her side.
Wednesday 4th May
Kate Bradley's birthday. Came home today at one. Found all in confusion. Ellen still here. Did nothing all the afternoon but read. Mrs Pinnock asked us to go to the theatre with her to see Miss Provost act Medea but the mail arriving took up so much of Alice's time that she
would not go, to my great disappointment. Received letters from all at home. All well. The Ministry has changed, so Lord Audley will have some chance of getting an appointment. Read and worked till twelve. Went to bed.
Thursday 5th May
Up early. Read all day. Oh, if I could but read more than I do! My days fly rapidly from me, my time of learning is passing away. Soon will my mind, which is soft and yielding now, become hardened to any impression. I thirst after knowledge and have the means of obtaining it in the shape of books of every description but I
am never at home, never able to study without being called away. As day after day passes I still find myself either unable to read on account of my head, or staying out. Days have passed when I could have done something, but the pressing weight on my head has prevented me. Oh, when will my head be free! When will I have time to indulge myself in that glorious poetry in which my heart delights! To revel in The Pleasures of Hope by the bard of Hope Campbell, to feed on The Pleasures of Imagination by Akenside. Alas when? the cry arises! I have no time, there is
weightier reading to go through.
The new servant came, a perfect ignoramus, knowing nothing. Oh, servants they are the plague of one's life! After dinner Milly etc. went to the band. I was disturbed in the interesting retreat of the 10,000 by the arrival of Tchi Tchi,
who insisted upon my going with her to Mrs Boulton's, so there here is an end of all my reading for today. Went to the Boulton's and stayed the night there troubled with fearful toothache which I must bear with Spartan fortitude. Home, there is no place like home!
Saturday 7th May
Up early and off home by the nine omnibus. Went with Tchi Tchi to Mr Croxton's to
apologize for not having attended the examination class last Wednesday for those girls who are going to be confirmed. He told me that as I was always at Darling Point I had better be confirmed there and gave me a lot of difficult questions to find out the answers. Found John returned when I came home. A kissing match took place. Occupied the whole morning writing a letter to Dickey. In the afternoon out walking with Milly to see her house. The air cool and bracing, all nature alive. Oh, how delicious to be far away from the haunts of men with all their grovelling pursuits!
Away from all busy overwhelming scenes, up amidst the green waving trees, spending the whole day in the calm sunshine seated on some grassy mound in some green and fertile valley with a rustling rivulet flowing at my feet. Reading some delightful poem entranced by the mighty thoughts of Byron, far away from worldly cares. These are my wishes, this would be my sort of life.
Perhaps mounted on the back of a spirited horse galloping far away, leaving all behind me, feeling myself the sole mistress of that noble animal, able to control him at my will, this would
be my exercise. Again my second great pleasure is to be borne by a light skiff scudding before the wind, bounding over every wave that tries to intercept its path, tossed about by winds and waves, yet able to control all its motions. 'Oh, borne by my steed or wafted by my sail, across the desert or before the gales' — how exactly those lines suit me.
Often have I in the moonlight nights looked back and yearned over the happy hours I spent in the bush. I feel a never-dying wish for these pleasures. I have this busy, heartless world, this crowded city and feel
myself alone with no eye but my God's upon me. Admiring His great gifts, reading Nature as if a book, and learning from her more than art learning or science could ever teach me. When shall I free myself from the trammels of society, from this foolish nonsense which men call happiness? The very sight of man is becoming distasteful to me and I would like to live far away from all foppery, coquetry and nonsense, but not in a convent. No — for there I could not breathe the fresh keen air of Heaven. Beautiful afternoon, went out walking with John and
Milly, saw their houses, three are unlet, two of Milly's. What a bad speculation that has proved! Wound silk for Milly all the evening. Toothache very bad.
Sunday 8th May
Toothache very bad all night, went to sleep under the influence of opium. Rained but very slightly did not go to church, nursed and put the baby to sleep. Read Psalms and Line upon Line to Roddy, who listened with great interest. Went to Sunday School children, rather naughty. Prepared all the afternoon for confirmation. Wrote answers to questions. The church bells ringing
merrily. No sound to disturb the quiet of Sunday night. All respect the solemnity of this great day, and even the very dogs cease from barking. Only the voices from the neighbouring church raised in high gratitude to their Maker disturb the peaceful quiet and now all is quiet. The bells have stopped, the voices hushed. I can just imagine the singers' heads bended low in adoration to receive the parting blessing. Hark, one poor little dog has commenced to bark but has stopped quite in a fright at hearing its own voice disturb the stillness
and now a buzz and hum arouse the air again. The bells peal merrily, a rushing noise of people walking is heard and again all is activity and bustle. I must cease, my candle, wearied, has sunk quietly into its socket and gone to bed. I must follow its example.
Monday 9th May
Up late, off for the Boulton's at ten. Helped Mrs B. to pack all day, very busy. No rest till six when we came away in the omnibus. Mrs B. gave me a dear little desk, which will prove very serviceable to me. As we were going to
Lindesay today we heard some one dashing
down the trees and on looking saw a man busily cutting down fine healthy gum trees. I instantly called to the man and asked him if he knew whose property the land was the man answered It belongs to Mr Farmer and he has ordered me to cut down the trees and clear the land! Utterly aghast we questioned him further and found to our astonishment that Mr Farmer had given him orders to clear the land of every tree etc. as it belonged to him. Instantly we ordered the man to stop and when we came to the Boulton's told Mrs B. who, all busy as she was, started
off to Mr Farmer's and there heard to her great astonishment that Mamma had entered into an agreement with Mr Farmer to clear the land of every tree so that he might keep his cow there. In a very great rage at such underhand behaviour. Me, the owner of the land, not spoken to a word about it never hearing about it till this morning, I was so astounded I could hardly speak, ordered the man to leave off till further notice. Packed all day came home in the evening. Found all in confusion about servants. Ellen found out a thief.
Things found upon her and in her drawer, stockings and things of Mamma's were found. Spoke to Mamma about the hill, she said she had never heard a word about it. Went to bed in high dudgeon.
Tuesday 10th May
Mamma up early and off to Mr Farmer's where she asked what he meant. He told her that Mr Blackenburg had made an agreement on her part with him that Mr Farmer should do as I have already stated. But Mamma made the following agreement with him that he might clear the hill of all scrub leaving all the fine trees,
and then he was to mend and put up a new fence and to pay £5 a year for keeping his cow in it. There has been no agreement drawn out, obliged to be satisfied with the results. Off to Mrs Boulton's, where I remained the whole day.
Monday 23rd May
As I have been every day at the Boulton's and now that they have left poor old Lindesay I have come home and therefore have time to write. Poor Mrs Boulton and family left in the Camperdown on the 18th of this month very much to our sorrow and
their departure has proved a very heavy loss to us, as one of our best friends has gone. I may say our only best real friend, for as such she has proved herself in the dark days of bereavement and in the days of sorrow. We were as melancholy and felt as much as if one of our sisters or near relations had left us. The three days before she started we were on the vessel helping her to get her cabin into some sort of order. When the vessel sailed she was in great distress, disliking the vessel, captain, mate and men. And well she
might, for the vessel was an old leaky thing all down on one side, her cabins small and low, the cuddy uncomfortable, with the steward's pantry just underneath the poop stairs, so dangerous for the children! The Captain, an old fogey walking about, the men all laughing at him wearing slippers. He was arrested for debt and had been confined in prison for some days. The very day they started when we were on board and had just bid goodbye to Mrs Boulton some of the Sheriff's officers came on
board and he could not get them off. The mate a little conceited puppy, laughing and flirting with all the girls on board and the crew a set of young boys who looked inclined to mutiny when once outside. Rumours, too, were afloat that the pumps would not work and that she was an old leaky tub. With all these annoyances Mrs B. was to put up with. There are also twenty-six children on board. When we left them on board the children were all seated at table comfortably
eating. Poor Mrs B. we left crying on the bed. But they are gone now and we feel so dreadfully miserable.
I was intensely sorry for two days and I could think of nothing but Mrs B. and I wondered how any one else could laugh at all knowing that she was away. I felt particularly miserable at night because it was then I most missed her, as we spent such very pleasant evenings there. Mamma, when she discovered me crying, attributed it all to temper and gave me a good
scolding for it, but I never would tell the reason. No, I would let no one ever know that I cared one bit for Mrs B., or was sorry at her departure. Those I most love I never show any affection for but those I only care for I try to be affectionate, but it is all passed. But all the pleasant evenings at Lindesay are gone, they must only remain implanted in our memory. In after years we shall look back upon them with ineffaceable regret. But all these things are over.
There, I will write no more on this subject
for it makes me melancholy to recall the past. Why should pleasure always be past, why never present? Because pleasure is fleeting and we ungrateful and unthinking mortals never seem happy at the present moment? But enough of this subject. Today is a grand day with me. I have suffered fearfully from toothache for the last fortnight so I have made up my mind to have my teeth taken out today under the influence of chloroform. Strength of mind is all that is required and I am not afraid of
the consequences. I only hope all will be right, though it is very dangerous to take it and I am afraid it might not agree with me. Started with Mamma at ten.
Monday 30th May
Oh, how shall I describe by writing the dreadful pain that I have suffered during this last week! For the first time today have I risen from a sick bed and am still unable to leave my room, for my gums and cheeks ache still with pain and feel now wearied and worn out, for I can eat nothing and I am so dreadfully weak.
But let me as far as I can, recall that eventful Monday. After leaving Craigend we appointed an hour two o'clock at Belisario's and meanwhile to pass time (which fled too fast for me) Mamma took me into Mr ... , the phrenologist and there I had my head felt. He felt it up and he felt it down and said I had a very good head indeed. That I had very strong affections but that they required to be very much drawn out before they could be shown. That I required much sympathy and was very sensitive. Much
more he said, but to give a full account would keep too much time. Leaving him we proceeded on our way to the dentist and there I suffered. I was made to sit down in the big chair and Mamma not having courage to remain in the room I was left alone to the tender cares of Dr Belisario and Dr Cox. The handkerchief was presented to my nose. I felt no fear whatever. It appeared to me as only fun, my eyes were closed and soon a wonderful sensation worked itself up in my brain. My senses left me, it seemed
but for a minute, but curiously enough I still retained sense of what was going on without the feeling. I was not surprised when a gleam of consciousness shot over me to find that my teeth were out although I had not felt them. I stood up but found I could not stand. I tried to open my eyes, but found they were glued together, to move my tongue, but it was immoveable. My lips were closed and could not be opened. The only sense I retained was hearing and that was but slight —
all I heard was the Dr say 'Do not let the mother see her' and 'Do you think she will ever recover' sounded in my ears like a knell. I soon fell into violent hysterics and then I believe I was carried to a cab and from there carried upstairs and laid in my bed and it was not till six or seven at night that I recovered fully all my powers.
Awoke to violent pain, started at first at seeing my pillow saturated with crimson blood, which poured from my mouth in large quantities. Oh, dreadful
was the agony I suffered! My gums were torn to pieces from having five teeth rudely torn from their sockets. My lips and cheeks were all cut and my loose hair was glued to my face and streams of blood pouring all around. Dreadful indeed must I have looked when Alice, coming in and seeing me suddenly, dropped on the floor and fainted right off. All that night my mouth poured blood. Dr Alloway was sent for, he was in a great rage and stuffed my gums with wadding which being instantly saturated he wet with
turpentine, which however was but of little use.
Next morning it was the same. Blood all day. Sheets, handkerchiefs, pillow cases wet through. Towards night it gradually ceased, but all this week saliva in quantities has run from my mouth coloured only with blood. Oh, the pain has been dreadful! My mouth is still greatly swollen but the features of my face can be distinguished. Up all day and very tired and weak.
Tuesday 31st May
In bed till one. When up, feeling intolerable pain worked hard to finish confirmation questions.
Dr Belisario has been here, he says my gums are improving. Milly and Mr Mann and the baby have been staying at the Morts for a long time.
Wednesday 1st June
Up, but obliged to lie down again. My gums in great pain, pieces of tooth perpetually coming out. Doctor ordered me to wash my mouth with boiled poppy heads. Went to the confirmation meeting, when Mr Croxton expressed himself glad at my recovery and did not give us any very great scolding as he usually does with great severity.
Tuesday 7th June
Caught a very bad cold
last week which has terminated in a horrid cough causing me ceaseless pain. Tonight we are invited to a large party at Mrs Hodgson's, but I am afraid Mamma will not let me go, as my cough is so bad. Have dosed myself with all sorts of lozenges, gruel etc. in order to get well. But as the hour approaches Mamma's firmness gives way and I may go. At seven began to dress and at half past eight Alice and I posted off under John's guidance to Mrs Hodgson's where, leaving him at the door, we marched into the ballroom
under the guidance of Mrs Jones and daughters, whom we fortunately met in the dressing room.
Wednesday 8th June
Returned last night from the party at two, perfectly tired out. I danced every dance. Some new French officers were there. Such very nice fellows, one, Mr Bergere, spoke German perfectly, to my great delight for I cannot speak French. He is such a nice young French officer. Oh, we feel tired this morning! As the Bachelor's ball is on Friday we must not take too much exertion this week, so we sent a refusal to an invitation
to a ball at Mrs Deffells's which takes place tonight, much to our regret but our poor feet are nearly worn out. Went to examination, where we received a lecture from Mr Croxton and a scolding, which I am afraid did not do us much good. Coming out into the cold air greatly increased my cough, which is very bad indeed today. I am afraid to walk up into the top storey, for it brings on a violent fit of coughing which I cannot stop.
Thursday 9th June
Did but little all day; thought much of the ball and little of confirmation. Tried
on for my ball dress.
Friday 10th June
Gums aching, cough very bad and teasing. Writing all day and over at Tchi Tchis to get flowers for bouquets. Mrs Pinnock came to dress us. We sat waiting for our dresses till long past the appointed time, till at last they came and off we packed.
Saturday llth June
Not up till one as we did not leave the ballroom till half past four and are most dreadfully tired, as we danced nearly every dance. There were the French officers and Mr Bergere amongst them, with whom I danced nine
times. He put his name down to nearly every dance, but I scratched them out. I had great fun with him, he asked us to go on board the Thisbe, telling me I must come, for he would have no chance of seeing me again and he could not suffer that. He is a very nice fellow, quite young and I like him very much much better than Herr Meder or anyone else, or even Mr Hixon. I hope I will see him again.
Tuesday 28th June
During this time we have been enjoying
ourselves very much and I have been too lazy to write. But I will try to give an account of what has happened during this time. We went on board the frigate without any gentlemen, Milly being our chaperone which she considered very wrong indeed and in fact since we have heard that it was shocking to go on board a strange vessel without any gentlemen, but we were with Mr Bergere who said he was a gentlemen and we might rely on his protection, so we went and enjoyed our visit very
much. Cake and wine were brought out, but we did not partake of it. Been very busy all this time at my confirmation class, which we regularly attend every Wednesday. Mr Croxton gives such Very difficult questions and is so severe that I quite dread the meetings. Jessie has been trying to raise a sensation here and all about, that she is going into the nunnery. But I do net believe her, we have been asked to a ball at Mrs Montifi&re which takes place on July 7th. All went to the theatre the other night and heard Miss Provost
in Lucretia Borgia also John Dun in two farces. Did not go on account of confirmation. Mr Bergere has been here twice and is coming again. I like him better every time I see him, he is such a very nice fellow, so full of fun and so amusing. I am afraid I will begin to like him too much and then I will be so miserable when the frigate goes out. It is always the way with me. I was fearfully miserable when the Novara left and then when the Herald left and now I shall suffer again. Went to the Band,
where we heard very good music played by the 12th Regiment. Met Mr Bergere, who was walking with, some of'his brother officers. We simply bowed and passed on; they, as is the custom abroad, all saluted at once. Did not enjoy the Band very much, as I knew so few people that were there. Besides I wanted Mr Bergere to walk with me, which he did not. Also Jessie commenced railing at me and making me feel very miserable. How strange that one wicked person should have so much power!
In a great rage and bad humour
when I came home as I had not conversed with Mr Bergere, only bowed to him. Why did he not come and speak to me? He must be offended with something, I wish he would come. How strange it is that I like anybody who likes me. Now I am very fond of Mr Bergere I think of him all day, more often than I should. Studied after tea with Catherine for confirmation, had just finished my questions when a ring at the door is heard and Mr Bergere is shewn upstairs. Was, of course, delighted
& had a pleasant chat with him until eleven, when he went away, keeping a cab at the door the whole time. He told us a lot about his family; saying there were four of them but now two underground. I am the third, my sister the fourth, his sister is dying of consumption. He went to sea when he was fifteen on account of his health and now he is strong and vigorous. Went to bed at twelve.
Monday llth July
Sorry to say I have again been too idle or too busy to continue steadfastly. I am
beginning to get tired of writing thus continually. I feel my journal no longer a solace as I did in days of innocence and happiness. It feels now a burden to me but I must try and shake off this fit of laziness which has gained entire dominion over me but to recall the past events. This will be a difficult matter. Alice went to the Montefiore's ball with Mrs James. I did not go because it was to be a large party and while I am being confirmed I do not go out to any large balls. Mr Bergere was there. They also have all
been to the opera and seen Il Trovatore, the very thing I would like to see more than anything but this examination prevents me, alas! Alas! I am obliged to stay at home. Sat up till twelve writing questions, in which Catherine assists me. That night when I had laid in bed for a few minutes a most curious feeling seized my head, every thing was swimming before me and I was going off into a fainting fit. Again I experienced the dreadful sensation that I felt when going off under the influence of chloroform.
After breathing some fresh air I revived. Mr Bergere has been here again in the evening and brought us some beautiful shells, very rare and curious, which he gathered from the coast of New Caledonia or some of the neighbouring islands. He knew the names of them all and described them perfectly well. He stayed till ten, as usual keeping a cab waiting. Mrs Pinnock spent the evening here also. Have been asked today to a party at the Finch's, which is given for the French officers. As it is only to be a small party
of course I intend going. I would not miss going for anything, as Mrs Finch always gives such very nice parties. There is no stiffness nor inquisitiveness to disturb me. Every lady can do what they like without any fear of a lot of eyes spying you out and a lot of tongues ready to say an evil word against you. Went to the Mann's on Saturday to come and dress here and then we can all go together. If they do not come we cannot go and I shall die with disappointment.
No signs of the Manns. I am in a fearful state.
What shall we do? I shall not nor will not give up any hope of their arrival. At five, too late now, so I had given them up. Yes, too late, no party tonight. No seeing anybody I like, yes, all hope gone and calmly and deliberately I have sat down to write this. Hurrah, here they are, Mrs Mann and all, and now we can go, and now for fun! A great scolding from Mamma for coming so late but better late than never is a nice old proverb and if they had come at eight I would have greeted them the same. Great talking and much laughter occupied
our time till six, when we commenced to dress and at half past seven packed ourselves in a cab and started off, lost in a perfect mass of crinoline smothered in snow. Returned at four. Oh, such fun, such fun was never seen before! Mr Bergere was there and he engaged me for every dance, but I did not dance every one with him, as Mrs M. called me to her and told me no, so he was obliged to be contented with twelve dances out of twenty-four. Danced every dance and a great many more besides. Mr Bergere gives all sorts of hints he
is fond of me, but of course I never take them. Mr Duley, a great friend of his, asked me my age and whether I was engaged or thinking of marrying, to which of course I answered in the negative. He then said if I would marry in two or three years and told me that M. Bergere was coming back in two or three years. He told me he was a very good fellow and that everybody on board liked him. Oh, I had great fun! Many German gentlemen were introduced to me who told me they had been wanting to be introduced to me for a long time
ever since the Novaras had been here, as they heard said a lot about me from them. So dreadfully tired that I can hardly move.
Tuesday 12th July
Had great fun all day with the Manns. Mrs M. had a dreadful headache so went home. Jack took a box at the theatre to see Miss Emma Stanley acting her great monopolylogue on The Seven Ages of Women. What a pity I cannot go! Again I am disappointed but 'what can't be cured must be endured'. What is worst of all I have no one to guide me in this, Mamma tells and wishes
me to go, and I do not know what to do. Decided on not going, so they all went without me. Catherine and Mamma went to the Sacrament administered by Mr Brumly so I was left entirely alone with Livy, whom I read to till they came home.
Wednesday 13th July
All in great praises of the monopolylogue. The age at sixteen was acted, it was a young girl fancying every one she saw was in love with her and falling in love with everybody and pretending at the last that she had a hard heart. Alice spent the day with the James. Wrote questions and laughed
& talked with the Manns till three, when after saying goodbye walked off to the confirmation meeting, where we suffered a verbal examination which was something dreadful. When I returned found the Manns had left. Alice came home with a very bad headache, was put to bed and pronounced an invalid. I have never mentioned that three of Mrs Isaacs's family are laid up with scarlet fever, which is raging everywhere. Tchi Tchi is staying with the Broadhursts so I never see her but Mamma is in a great
fright of my catching it so I never go near her. It commences with sore throat and is a very malignant kind. A boy of fifteen died of it the other day. 'Tis in the Barracks also.
Thursday 14th July
Alice still ill but up. Tonight we are invited to a party at the Bayly's. Mrs Deffell is coming to take us which is very kind of her as she is obliged to hire two cabs as two of the young ladies are going with her. Afraid I will not be able to go as I hate going alone and particularly to a strange
house which I do not know anything about, nor have I ever seen the lady. All day in great dilemma whether I shall go. Alice's headache becoming worse towards evening of course she was not able to go. So as evening approached I made up my mind and began to dress but I do not care a bit about going as Mr Bergere told me they were not
going but said he was determined to go if I went and if unable to get invited would mingle with the guests and come in masked. I am now obliged to go
and at 1/2 eight marched into the dressing room in full costume. The cab came and off I started alone to the ball.
Friday 15th July
Returned from the ball at half past two dreadfully tired having danced twenty dances. Oh, I had such fun! All the French officers, all the Iris's some of the Cordelia's and a great many of the 12th officers, were there. It was an immense ball. Everybody was there. Imagine me going, a young girl about to be confirmed! Shocking
behaviour! Mr Bergere and I enjoyed ourselves immensely. He hinted to me in all sorts of ways that he was very fond of me but I never took the hints. I danced a great many times with him more than I should have done and I did something which I hope nobody saw. I was dancing the lancers with a Mr Mitchell, M. Bergere on my right, a young fellow I knew nothing about on my left, when the latter seeing a rose on the ground picked it up and gave it to me. I thanked him for it and my
partner instantly began to make all sorts of remarks on it which were rather unpleasant. Finally when the last figure came and the grand chain was being danced when I touched M. Bergere's hand he whispered in my ear, 'You must give me that rose'. I smiled but kept it close. The second time he asked me the same question but I still held it tight. Again we went round he asked more vehemently the same question but I took no notice, but the fourth and last time I allowed him to take it.
If anybody saw him take it they would be sure to say I gave it to him. Afterwards in another dance I asked him why he was so anxious to have it and he said he could not bear that anybody should give me a rose. I had tremendous fun.
Saturday 16th July
Up rather early considering my last night's dissipation. Intended to go to Manly Beach today but went to Sydney instead, where we bought various things. Alice is now expecting MrDauncey every hour and really he is very
much over his time, he started in the
Charingue on the 5th May, so ought naturally to be here now. 'Hope deferred maketh the heart sick' and she is beginning to grow pale on expectations, but we expect him soon to arrive. Then, after Alice's marriage what a miserable future opens itself before mine eyes! War, with all its frightful results, has again broken out and everybody declares that England will be dragged into it. If so, she will not take France's side and how fearful if the French come here, lay an embargo upon Sydney and smash
it all to pieces! Then every man would be obliged to come forth and every true spirit would be raised to action and the cowards must either suffer or fight. It will not be money that will make the best man then, it will be merit and bravery, the praises of which shall be echoed in after years, and the women, too, must bear an active part in the defence of their country. It will be their duty to bind up the poor wounded soldiers' wounds, to pour forth words of consolation and peace
to the departing spirit and dismiss the struggling soul with a blessing to heaven. But oh! how dreadful will the ravages of war be our rising city become a waste and desolation peopled only with widows mourning for their dead. But God in his mercy grant this may not be.
Thursday 28th July
I have discontinued my journal from 16th July to the 16th August and when I think and look back upon the dreadful retrospect
and upon all the loss of time during that period I feel quite melancholy. Why should my journal have so many interruptions and why have so many other duties been left undone? Where is all the reading that was to have taken place if my mind could have seen what a blank space would intervene? Where are all the poor that a month ago I wished to befriend, intending as day after day rolled by to visit and relieve their poverty? I have much, much to answer for. Supposing
I was to die now would my Judge, judge me by my good intentions? Oh, that I could be forgiven! But to my journal! I will now try and call over the facts that have taken place since I wrote last and cull from the heap those most worthy of notice. First then Mr Dauncey's arrival has thrown the whole house into confusion, especially Alice, who has resigned already her duties in her mother's home and gives her time
& her heart to him. Great preparations for the wedding, trousseau already bought, immense expense been gone to by Alice, where the money is to come from to pay the bills I cannot imagine. Mamma has been ill of rheumatic fever and is very low spirited now. Oppressed with cares of every sort, how can she be otherwise? Also the Pelorus, a large man-of-war, has lately arrived and we are going tomorrow to the Mann's to meet some of them. Lots of fun has taken place lately but it's
too much trouble to describe it here.
Wednesday 17th August
Spent the morning reading till twelve, when began to dress to go to the Mann's. All of us went including Mr Dauncey and everything. Arrived there at two when John and Mr D. soon after took their departure and we enjoyed ourselves very much all the afternoon reading and laughing. I have a dreadful cough, which troubles me immensely at night. Alice does not care a bit about me now, would not even dress me for
the James' ball, so I went a horrid figure. That nasty little Philip engrosses all her attentions.
Thursday 18th August
Up, of course, rather late. Stayed at the Mann's all day. Read, made sandwiches and worked, went out in the boat and eat oysters. Herby Mann sings so prettily, he is only twenty months old and yet he sings every tune he hears and very loud too, at the top of his voice. At six began to dress, for some of the Pelorus' are coming over. Soon a good many ladies came who were to form some of the
party, and when the room was full of girls all dressed in white and all standing in a row, only two of the Pelorus' officers came, the Chaplain and the 1st Lieutenant. Of course we were very much astonished to see so few and Mrs Mann told Mr Kelly, one of the two, to go over and fetch some more, which was agreed to after a great deal of laughter. Mr Kelly left and we all waited for the others. After some time four more came and we commenced dancing
which did not cease till two in the morning. But oh! I dislike all the officers, they are not gentlemen. One of them, a Mr Jay, a young fellow who I danced very much with, kept perpetually giving me a gentle squeeze now and then and taking hold of my hand and squeezing it and then placing it on his heart. I, oh I am so dreadfully foolish, so silly and weak. I am too young to go out! I am at present in a great rage, how shall I write what one of the officers did to me,
to me daughter of Sir T. Mitchell and superior to them all, to me as if I were a barmaid or a servant of any description! To be insulted, and I like a fool never got indignant at the time, never shewed any anger, but I will here write the fact. One of them, Dr Bowen, who at first I thought a very nice fellow, asked me to walk out in the verandah with him, and I foolishly went. As soon as we came to a dark part of the verandah he took my hand and commenced pressing
it gently and then more, and at last took my whole hand and kept it close in his. I got dreadfully frightened, felt as if I would faint. He then asked me if I would go to another part of the verandah with him which was farther away, but I refused and said I would rather go in. Still he kept my hand and seeing that I did not draw it away, he put his arm round my waist and kept it there and I, why did I not then move his arm away and say peremptorily to go in? No, although I repeatedly said it I did not move
because I was afraid of offending him. I felt inclined to faint and could hardly breathe. He went on talking I do not know what about nor what I answered, I only knew it was very wrong and that I ought to behave more firmly. But these reflections were of no use for I never moved and finally he put his head closer to mine and kissed me and then instead of springing up and rushing away I just quietly knocked my head away and said, 'Oh we had better go in',
& instantly went in when, shame to me, I mentioned nothing about it but danced with him the following dance and then again later a quadrille and laughed and talked with him. I could not have taken notice of it, for I was so thunderstruck, so ashamed and so indignant that I could make no mention of it though of course I ought to have done so. So dreadfully miserable about it, did not know what to do, but pretended to be quite cheerful and gay. At last
they went and we, after eating supper, retired to bed. Another thing, too, Dr Bowen said I was asking him what was good for chilblains and he told me a cure if I would try it. We all said we most certainly would and he then said essence of tulip which is pronounced 'too-lip'. We thought it was tulip that he meant and said to-morrow we would get some. After they had gone Miss Rogers told us it meant two lips to kiss, that it was a common saying. That
was such a horrid thing to say. Went to sleep in high indignation at that horrid Dr Bowen.
Friday 19th August
This morning told Minnie in strict injunctions of secrecy of that horrid Dr Bowen, felt melancholy all the morning about it and how carelessly and badly, in fact with what levity I had behaved. She was equally shocked at me. Came away about twelve. Told Milly and Alice about it who were perfectly surprised
and scolded me very much. Oh, what shall I do? If the world hears of it I shall lose all my character and be considered so light. Why did I not run away from him! Oh have I done wrong? I was too inexperienced to know better but my own sense should have guided me. When I look at other girls I fancy now how different they are to me, they have not suffered such a degradation. Oh, what shall I do? Cried all day, could do nothing,
reading had no interest for me. Milly says she shall tell Mrs Mann and then how badly they will think of me. Received comfort from Mamma, who consoled me and told me to think no more about it, that I had only acted wrongly in dancing with him again etc. Felt comforted. Oh, in how many cases of sorrow has Mamma eased me from trouble and how do I requite her! Felt almost ashamed to look anyone in the face. Mr Dauncey bantering and laughing at me. Went to bed early.
Campbell came down from the country yesterday.
Saturday 20th August
In fury and temper all day, never restraining it. Read Gilbert Gurney by Theodore Hook, an excellent novel. Dreadful waste of time spending the whole day over a novel. C., Milly, Alice and D. all in Sydney wasting money. C. bought Alice as a wedding present a most beautiful bracelet of Australian gold with various Australian plants fastened by a boomerang and waddy of the blacks, most chaste, costing thirty-five guineas.
John bought Alice a brooch to correspond, five guineas. C. also bought a box of oranges, ten shillings. Sat in the drawing room, Philip talkative about self and family, which two things are always predominant in his mind. Alice pretending to work at some pocket handkerchiefs but every now and then stopping and looking at him, always with a smile on her countenance, while in his presence perfectly happy in the sunshine of his looks. He is the centre around which all her thoughts
revolve. Milly, lying with her feet up on the sofa reading, was often dozing and indulging in splendid dreams of future bliss. John, hidden behind the newspaper sheet, now and then making an observation, which is always to the purpose, for which I like him, and though he speaks but seldom he always sense. I sit on the sofa reading or working making no remark and slipping off to bed when I possibly can. Mamma is in bed where she goes every night at five. Voila une tableau
de nos soirees. S'il me plait c'est suffd.
Sunday 21st August
Up very late and not down to breakfast. Did not go to church but nursed and put the baby to sleep, which occupied me from ten till one, when they all came home. Mr Dauncey, as usual, facetious at dinner, Alice in her element. Mamma in bed all day. After dinner D. went to the club, a place he should not go to on Sunday, and we went to Sunday School, where my children behaved very well. Sorry to say idled all the rest of
the afternoon and read nothing. John went to church.
Monday 22nd August
Up late, head aching. Philip came as usual, calling Alice all over the house. Mamma up though still unwell. Read to Livy all the morning the newspaper and life of Miranda, the famous forger. He reached the climax of all his knowing tricks in New York, where he was shot by one of his dupes. All went down to Dettman's to speak of wedding cake. Mr D. expressly ordered that a rich layer of almond paste should
be placed on the top and licked his lips at the idea!
After dinner Alice and Milly went out visiting and visitors called. Mrs Bayly, Robert and Mr Croxton, also Annie Hodgson whom I did not see. Spent the evening writing. After tea occupied in writing out names of guests at the breakfast or placing them in pairs. There will be thirty altogether. Not in bed till twelve. Milly met Mrs Mann in Sydney on Saturday and then told her about Dr Bowen, the latter got very angry and said of course she would speak to Dr B.
& tell him what wrong behaviour it was on his part and that Mr Gother should also speak to him and that they never would have them in their house again. Oh, I am so miserable about it. I do not know what to do, for they will think so bad of me speaking about it and causing a quarrel. I shall never tell a human soul again. This is bitter experience. Oh, what am I to do, it will get about and be of course magnified and exaggerated.
Tuesday 23rd August
Up late with a great headache.
Milly, Alice and I off to Sydney at ten accompanied by Mr D., who left us in George Street to procure a license. Stayed two hours in Mde Ponders, where Milly and Alice decided and then changed their minds on various matters. Went into different shops and came home at two. Met D. waiting like patience on a hill for our return, with the license sticking a yard out of his pocket, looking very like a guilty man who had been and gone and done it! Rec'd a letter from Jessie who left this house a fortnight ago on
account of Mamma taking back Mrs T. Higgins. She begs Mamma to retract and send off Hig. Mamma, I am glad to say, remains firm. Milly's black box came from the stores. Great confusion on opening it, baby wonderfully excited, all sorts of toys, wonderful little things from England. A most curious snake tumbled out before our delighted eyes. Wrote all the afternoon, read Blackwood in the evening. Violent toothache so cross and snappish to all around particularly D., on whom I always vent my rage.
John brought home a letter from Minnie to me.
Wednesday 24th August
Indoors all the morning. Took the books out of presses.
Men came to paper the rooms. Dining room papered by six. Not at all a pretty paper, just like a bedroom. Started with Alice after dinner to the Smith's where she talked and arranged about bridesmaids' dresses. Sat in drawing room. After tea read and worked. Govt Ball takes place tonight, to which Milly, John and Dauncey went. Alice in great distress at not going. Eat currant
cake and marmalade to console herself. Sat both together in dining room mournful and disconsolate. Alice asking 'What shall you do when I am gone? Ah! bitter question! I could have exclaimed, 'I shall pine away and die'. Let me not think of it, it is too sad. There she sits, my long loved and much abused sister with whom I have grown up from childhood. Who has shared and participated in all my wants, fulfilled my slightest wish, lightened by her timely advice and by her merry
smile my heaviest burdens, who has watched over me with the care of a mother and now about to part for ever perhaps — for who can tell when we shall meet again? And even if we do it will not be with the same feelings. A family will engross all her attention, will partake of all her care. With diffidence and outward affection we may meet again. Ah, woe is me! Alas, for my cold heartless disposition! To her affectionate question I gave a cold and callous answer, for I never
shewed her affection during all my life. I shall mourn in secret.
Thursday 25th August
Up very early. Milly out of bed at twelve. Men papering the drawing room. Moved bookcases with Livy and shifted books. At two all went to a fancy sale, place very much crowded and very hot. Band of the 12th Regiment played. Heaps of children, nursemaids and perambulators. Put into two raffles, lost both, bought a mat, one and sixpence, saw the Manns there, heard lots about Govt Ball. Returned very much tired at five not having sat
down once during the whole time. D. intends giving what he calls a turn out tonight which is in reality to be a small party. Annie Hodgson is coming. All of us started at half past seven for D.'s lodgings accompanied by Annie. Caught D. practising on his new piano to while away the time, dressed out in tail coat, coral studs etc., the very pink of fashion. Bed all laid over with Indian articles of clothing. Razors displayed, to be ready if required of course. D., delighted to see us drank coffee
& talked nonsense, other guests very late. At half past eight Mrs Hanbury and Miss Garnet walked in, exclaiming how delightful this was etc. and how kind of the host and all that. Finally Captain Miller and Mr Richardson of the 12th came and the party was completed. Milly asked to sing, of course, had a slight cold, really quite hoarse but at last sang. Alice the same, Mrs Hanbury ditto. Then played cards, Mr Richardson and I went partners and joined our stores together. Annie and Captain Miller the same.
After playing a long time supper was proposed but Annie had to leave unfortunately as it was half past ten. No use pressing, must go. Monkey brought in and made his exit in a roar of laughter. Soon supper was on the table, which consisted of two fowls, a tongue and salad given by Mrs Hanbury, two bottles of champagne, hock and sherry; second course a peculiar almond castle made of burnt almonds, as hard as rock, from Dettmans' and a jelly, oranges and cakes. When all had finished tables were removed, chairs
etc. flung hither and thither. Mrs Hanbury sat down and played a quadrille and we set off dancing and on we danced, enjoying ourselves like fun. D. in high delight saying how jolly it was and that the party was going off wonderfully well. Captain M. told Milly I danced very nicely, he is a dreadful compliment-paying man. At last the clock struck half past twelve. A look of horror from all around! Never thought it was so late and finally we all took our departure. In bed by one with a dreadful sore throat.
Friday 26th August
Up at ten,
very much tired from last night's dancing, sore throat and headache. Saw a very large funeral passing, twenty carriages attending it looked so mournful, that great big box with immense plumes into which we all must go, an end of every gaiety of all riches and happiness, leaving all behind us, there we must lie a dead cold corpse. Oh! it makes me so very very sad to see a funeral but unfortunately it does not make me better, though it leaves an impression upon me. Minnie Cape spent the morning with
us. Mamma went to Sydney. Jessie returned accompanied by a servant who is to wait upon her as long as Mrs Higgins remains. As usual a loud noise was the result of her arrival, a general scolding of all the servants, frightful names to all around and violent running up and down stairs and slamming of doors. Went to Sydney and returned very hot and tired. Alice bought a silk dress for nurse. D. found twelve shillings and sixpence. Men half finished papering the hall. They are very slow at it. Bought Baron Munchausen's
Travels for Roddy. Read and worked — bad sore throat, to bed by eleven. D. dined to night at Sir C. Nicholson's.
Saturday 27th August
Roddy's seventh birthday. The breakfast table was covered with his presents. Mamma gave him an immense box of bricks which would amuse a boy of fifteen, such famous ones. Milly a large transparent slate with a pencil. Alice, books called Eastern Tales, Catherine, Sandford and Merton and a very large cake costing fifteen shillings covered with sugar almonds and bonbons just like Harry's cake in the spelling
book; Livy, a grand bow and six arrows together with target and I gave him a pop gun and the travels before mentioned. He was delighted with them and eat no breakfast. Put all the books right in the bookcases, which kept me till one. Broke one pane of glass which made me very miserable indeed. Drank Roddy's health after dinner and eat some of his cake. He made a very good speech. We told him to stand up, which he did and he said, 'I thank you all very much for drinking my health and also
for your nice presents' which was a very pretty speech for a boy just seven. Very hot evening, dust flying about in all directions. Went into Sydney.
Sunday 28th August
All went to church. My cough still very tormenting. Violent headache came on during service, so when came home laid down. Did not go to Sunday School, head being too bad, neither did Alice, which was very wrong of her and she had her punishment, which was as follows. All went out walking excepting myself. About an hour afterwards Alice
came home looking very cross and when I asked, 'what is the matter?' Was answered with the very unsisterly reply, 'No business of yours', so feeling it was no business of mine I enquired no further till Milly and Dauncey coming in soon afterwards warned me that something was in the wind, so I asked Milly and heard that after having been at D.'s lodgings they all set out for their walk but D. would put on a wide awake hat which Alice has a mortal aversion to so she, finding argument useless, turned tail and ran
home. D. repenting, put on his black chimney chapeau and came after his flown Venus, leaving John standing on the road. D. finding that his adored one kept sulky and refused to go out went off himself, with Milly uttering the very unloverlike ejaculation 'Then let her stay'. Alice kept to her room till teatime crying, never thinking of the absurdity of the cause of the quarrel. She officiated as usual in making the tea, dropping a tear into D.'s cup to add to his remorse. All went to church except D. and me, who sat together in
the drawing room. The former read a sermon to me. A slight reconciliation took place between the lovers.
Monday 29th August
Up late, D. not here, much to Alice's sorrow. Went into Sydney with Milly and Co. Met all the Manns at Mde Ponder, where we stayed some time examining the wreaths, admiring them and exclaiming at their dearness — eighteen shillings for one wreath and perfectly simple. The Manns asked me to go over there to-morrow as some of the Peloruss officers are coming over. Went into a few shops, bought nothing
except 6d worth of lollypops at Mrs Douglas's. Met D. in Sydney. After dinner violent screams of laughter from the drawing room announced to us that the lovers' quarrel was completely reconciled. Took down Alice's journal and shewed it to D. Half killed by Alice, who snatched it from him. Mended and put up Mamma's curtains. New servant came, refused to draw water, so she went off again, much to Anne's delight who stays here till another servant can be procured. Wrote journal all afternoon. Man very slow at papering
hall, not half finished. D.'s cold very bad so he went to bed early, whereupon Alice was cross and snappish to all around.
Tuesday 30th August
Up early. Wrote a letter to Alice Mann saying I was not coming. Did nothing particular. All the morning house in great confusion from papering. Milly's room half papered. Milly and Alice went to Sydney. As usual D. came but missing his lady love soon took his exit. Had dinner. Tchi Tchi came, cried when told it was impossible for her to be bridesmaid on account
of scarlet fever. Said it was the greatest disapment she had ever suffered in her life. She gave me an ivory knitting case, stayed here till five. All went out again to D.'s lodgings. Mamma off to a Mrs Pauley, a very good Christian. John broke glass at tea. Worked at embroidered petticoat for Alice, who amused herself winding off skeins of silk on ivory silk winders and when D. left occupied herself reading Parisina. In bed by ten.
Wednesday 31st August
Beautiful cold day. Busy all morning looking over old papers and reading them to Milly.
Minnie Cape to ask whether M. would chaperone her to the King's, which of course she agreed to. John and D. here for dinner. Mrs Wentworth called and others. D. dined at mess to-night, came here dressed in uniform to shew himself off. Read to myself in English and watched John build a house of bricks. Milly and Alice screeched at piano till nine when they composed themselves to work. Men finished papering the rooms, they do not look very nice. In bed by ten.
Thursday 1st September
This month so fraught with pleasure mixed with sorrow has at length dawned. Oh
Time, Time why wilt thou fly so fast! This day month will no longer see Alice Mitchell but will see that sister of my heart joined to another family and perhaps separated from me for ever. Let me enjoy the few hours of her society while able to. The present now is my only happiness, let me while I can listen to her steps and respond to her call. Oh, my God! It will only be a few days, then I shall be left in solitude and misery. 'But sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof Rained all afternoon. Minnie Cape came to go to the King's with us, dressed and were all ready
by 1/2 eight when, after great wrappings up and many admonishings from Mamma to keep my mouth shut while walking and repeated commands not to walk in the verandah, we started and arrived just in time for the dancing.
Friday 2nd September
A famous party. Came home at three dreadfully tired, having danced nearly every dance and frightfully sleepy. None of the naval officers were there, at which I was very glad, for a particular reason which was that Mr Douglas was there and I would not like to be seen flirting or dancing
very much with sailors, as he expressed his dislike of them. He looked so very gentlemanly and much better looking than usual and has such a very nice manner. He told Milly he liked to sit and comment upon the various dancers, he danced twice with me. I behaved myself wonderfully well, as he was there, always came and sat down by Minnie when the dance was finished and did not promenade much and in dancing danced quite soberly, quite a pattern I was last night! I hope Mr D. will be at the Norton's. If not I do not care about
going. Bye the bye, Mr D. talked an immense deal to Jessie and promenaded with her during three dances, which made her look so delighted.
Very tired this morning. Poured of rain all day. D. here, very bad dinner. Mrs Hig anathemized from all around and though she scalded her foot received no commiserations. Everybody indoors on account of rain, all looking sleepy and tired. Great talk about the wedding — when operation will be commenced I am sure I do not know, it is quite time. In five days more the eventful day
will come round and there is nothing done. Time after tea wore off pleasantly enough and we all went very early to bed. The time at present is very pleasant, but it is of such short duration.
Saturday 3rd September
Pouring of rain. Oh, this dreadful dreadful rain, will it never cease? Still pouring, still descending, it prevents anyone from action, all must be at a standstill. But, as Anne said when I was murmuring at the unceasing torrent, God gives it to us all, it is God's gift, so we must fain be content. Indoors
all day, Dauncey here all the evening. Read and worked. Mamma very sick.
Sunday 4th September
Still pouring. Could not go to church but read prayers at home. Jessie says of all things a wet Sunday is the most stupid thing imaginable. I agree with her, for others but not for myself, for I like particularly to be always in the house and never move out. But for others it is painful to see their discomfort. The ladies recline upon sofas and armchairs with a sermon book open on their knees and eyes half closed, waking up now and then
with a sudden start and then burying themselves deep in the sermon. The gentlemen fidget from room to room and from chair to chair talking politics among themselves or listlessly hanging over a chair pretending to be buried in deep thought.
John and Dauncey could stand the house no longer, each seized an umbrella, wrapped themselves up in overcoats and started out for the club, to spend the rest of the afternoon in reading papers — and going through all the wet for that!
Could not go to Sunday school, rained too hard. Read Spurgeon the rest of the afternoon and Dauncey read sermons in the drawing room for the edification of all assembled, which did not seem to do much good as afterwards Jessie and Dauncey had a slight sparring match in which Jessie told D. he was exactly like his monkey and that they should go together. He was silenced. At ten went to bed. Oh, listen to the rain, it pours in unceasing torrents, oh, will it ever cease! Mamma not at all well.
Monday 5th September
Fine for a
wonder, quite delighted. Sent Anne down first thing with dress to Miss Burnill. Showery all day. John moved all the furniture in his room, bed and all, preparatory to the wedding. Pictures were hung up and replaced, show of activity. Dauncey, instead of attending to his hymenial affairs bounding with his steed over the muddy roads of Botany Bay, whither he has gone to see all the beasts feeding. John is the only fellow who does anything. Elizabeth came to see us. In afternoon went to Sydney.
Tuesday 4th October
Can it possibly be the
case that I have left off keeping my journal at the most important part? Has idleness such dominion over me, has my listlessness so far overcome me that I have refused within myself to continue what has been in some moments of my life my great and only comfort? Have I given up the luxury of being able to read and revel in the past? Oh, shame one everlasting shame be it to me that I have missed marking down the events of that great day! But I had given up entirely the intention of keeping a journal.
How little turns the scale of life, one word and one thought had nearly altered the entire resolution that I had kept for years and for this last three weeks I revelled in idleness and resolved to let events run as they chose, that I should no longer mark them down. But today on turning over my desk I came upon these neglected leaves, pity, I thought, to let pass these golden hours of youth and pleasure without even so much as marking them down; pity to let events pass away with nothing to recall them
to my memory again, though few good actions mark my life; though charity and benevolence are but as strangers in this cold and callous breast, yet still can I dare to allow days to fly away without even so much as thanking my Creator for the daily benefits He showers upon me and though these pages are marked often with murmurings and complainings of my lot, yet still my inward conscience tells me that such should not be the case. Then, journal, let me continue and daily mark down occurrences
which in future years, when this hand may be but dust and this body fallen to decay and all remembrance of what this mortal body may have faded from the recollection of mankind, then may some faithful and affectionate eyes glancing over these pages recall the past. Causing this form to rise up in picturing inspiration and in reading to surrounding children and strive to improve their minds by pointing out to them the faults of another. If such should be the case well might
all my toil be repayed better than storied monuments. But seldom read would be these faithful pages of life. Then read, read and learn, see a life thrown away daily approaching towards destruction. That command 'Remember thy Creator in the days of thy youth'. Oh read how much I have neglected him! For what end was I born? Why do I live? Why am I of no use in this world? But cease all this and return to the past and recall what has passed during this blank in my journal.
On the 8th
of September Alice was married with all due solemnity. Thirty-two people attended the wedding breakfast, which was most sumptuously prepared by that Gunter of Sydney, Dettman's, who only charged £27 for breakfast, cake and all. The marriage ceremony passed off very pleasantly and mournfully. Alice gave herself up to Mr D. and has now left house, home, family for that one. To love, honour, and obey sounded mournfully in my ears. To obey him for life in everything, his slightest wish is now to be considered and in fulfilling this she may
expect no thanks, it is her duty and must be done. The badge of servitude was put on and that golden hoop which may unite many hands together but alas! but few hearts. Her relations kissed her in the vestry and congratulated her and wished her joy. I kissed her as Mrs Dauncey, she was no longer my sister. No! torn from my arms at that altar her heart severed from loving anyone but him whom she was now compelled to serve. I could not prevent the tears finding egress. Did I congratulate her. No! Hypocrisy or deceit I would never
succumb to. I wished her joy with all my heart but I would do nothing else. The word of command was given to return down the church, faces were composed, bridesmaids arranged, and down we marched in due order, Alice Mann and I,Annie Hodgson, Annie Smith,Minnie Mann ,Julia James. Arriving at the church door Alice was presented with rather a stupendous bouquet by Mde Ponder's little boy and then we all proceeded home. Soon the guests were all assembled in the drawing room forcing smiles and gaiety. Mamma,
extremely nervous, spoke but little. No one appeared to amuse themselves. After waiting some time we were told to go to breakfast. Jokes were cracked and wine was freely drunk. Sir C. Nicholson proposed the health of bride and bridegroom in not very flattering words but just a brief speech performing his duty and embellishing it with no high flown commendations of either party. Mr Dauncey rose after and rattled off a speech as quick as fire, never stopping, never coughing
but on till, having said his thanks, he sat down. He said it just as if it had been a very difficult lesson that he had learnt overnight and said it quick for fear of forgetting any part. Mr Pitt whispered to me that it had been well learnt at all events. In fact I think that was the best part of it. He then proposed the health of the bridesmaids, which was responded to by Mr Pitt, who said in his speech that if the bridesmaids were not married soon it would not be their fault. A general laugh and a general
Mamma was then going to leave when Mr Murray rose and proposed in a very long and prosy speech the health of the Queen, which was drunk with all the honours, each one saying, 'The Queen and God bless her'. Mamma then rose and all went downstairs excepting Alice and the bridesmaids, who assisted her to change her bridal attire for one more suited to the dusty roads of Parramatta. When all was ready came the leave-taking and the cab departed bearing the happy couple followed by an old pair of shoes
thrown by Mr Pitt.
Guest after guest then left and we were left alone. Fortunately the Manns stayed till five else we would have been very melancholy indeed. The first thing we did after the guests had left was to have some more breakfast which we had partaken but of slightly before. The servants carried away several of the good things, little chocolate things etc. In the evening Milly went to a musical party at Govt House and I went to bed.
That day week the couple returned, both
appearing in the best of spirits. As we had sent cards round to all our friends amounting to more than a hundred, Alice received lots of visitors, who called in quick succession and gave Anne endless trouble. Mr D., who appeared in a great hurry to get off as soon as possible, took their passages in the Centurion a fine clipper vessel. They had the stern cabin, very comfortable indeed. Carpeted, and lockers with morocco cushions all round. That week they were employed in going to and fro to Sydney and purchasing clothes
etc. and receiving visitors and returning some of the calls. Second week they were employed in fitting up their cabin etc. On Thursday 22nd September we all went to a ball at Govt House. I dressed at Alice's lodgings, Mr Watchhorn's Kelsey Cottage, and went with them. Jessie followed with John and Milly. It was the first time I had ever been to Govt House. On Wednesday 28th September, all things being prepared, Alice and Dauncey left us for England, perhaps never to see us again or perhaps separated for a short time. Milly and John
saw her off and went on board with her. I stayed with Mamma, as she was so dreadfully agitated and nearly fell into a fit, trembling all over and foaming at the mouth and nose. God grant Alice a safe passage. This world is composed of nothing but separation and suffering. Children are brought up with toil and trouble but to leave and cause anguish, all desert the poor old parent trunk, branches are lopped off one by one to be planted in another ground, watered by another hand, bringing forth other buds, but to expand and be
carried away. All feel the loss of Alice very much more especially I, for all her duties dissolve upon me and not only that for I feel the want of a friend and companion in my solitude and though Alice never was that lately, yet in earlier years she was the companion and guide of my childhood and the remembrance of those former beloved years would make me still look up to her with affection and when I am in need of a helper I could refer to her. Now thrown upon myself I have no one to assist me.
With her all my childish recollections are mixed up with her, whom I loved and would have cherished if she had but returned that love, but now alone I must tread this dreary road, alone I must battle with the world and long for the time when I can retire from their giddy and useless pleasures and rest in quiet. We have been gay as usual during these past days. On Thursday, 29th September I went with
Roddy to a juvenile party at the Hodgson's and enjoyed myself very much. Mr Douglas was there but he did not dance with
me, neither did he at the Govt Ball.
Wednesday 5th October
A melancholy day always with us. Papa's bust came back, having been mended. Jessie went to the Flower Show. As Milly did not go, as she had a headache, of course I did not. By the bye on Sunday last the Thisbe came in and on Monday night Mr Bergere came to see us.
Thursday 6th October
Up early and prepared the breakfast. Worked all day at my dress and did nothing particular. Campbell returned from Stanwell with horses to sell. Went with John and
Milly to an opera at Govt House. Enjoyed it pretty well but rather stupid, as there is no promenade except for fifteen minutes and all the ladies were placed on benches and could see or talk to no one except their lady friends. A quarrel occurred yesterday between John and Jessie, the latter being most dreadfully rude and saying the most cutting things. Therefore she went with the Murrays to the ball and I must find other chaperones now for future balls.
Friday 7th October
Up late. Rather sleepy from last night. Went into Sydney
first thing with Milly where she bought me a very pretty muslin dress of the best description. Returned at four preciously tired, shopping is the most wearisome thing in the world. Campbell informed us that we must find another house and be out of this in six weeks. What a shame! Worked at night. Nothing else occurred.
Saturday 8th October
Up late worked and read Plutarch and German. Jessie quarreling with Mamma, who is so very weak that the slightest agitation at most throws her into a fit. She trembles and shakes
all over when she walks. Jessie also very rude to John, saying the most cutting things. At three went out in a cab with Mamma and Milly to pay visits. Milly called first at Govt House on Lady Denison, she wrote Mamma's and my name down in the book. Paid ten visits, all except one being at home, which kept us out very late. What luxury the Thomas Morts live in! Such beautiful things, so costly! The paintings are most magnificent. On gazing at them first it almost took my breath away, they are
so beautifully painted. The cattle appear to be approaching towards you and in 'The Wreck of the Medusa' you almost fancy you hear the terrible cry for water. You participate in all the feelings of the unfortunate sufferers, the roar of the contending elements almost sounds in your ears and the rolling waves appear approaching to overwhelm you. Once I saw these I could gaze on nothing else. In the evening worked. Milly scolding John, I taking his part and scolding her in return. He is too kind
to her. Went to bed very tired.
Sunday 9th October
This morning awoke early by Mrs Hig. rushing into Mamma's room exclaiming 'Oh Maam! I am robbed of everything every "blessed thing!' when she came to reason she told us that some one had robbed her during the night of all her dresses which she kept in the kitchen — in fact, of everything she possessed. Mamma heard a dreadful noise about one in the kitchen and got up and went downstairs with Mrs Hig. but they saw no one. The robbers must have
hid themselves in the kitchen. The most curious part is that nothing of ours is touched excepting a shoulder of mutton which they carried off and I suppose will make a good Sunday dinner off it. It is a dreadful loss to old Hig., who had just worked all the clothes out of pawn and now has lost them forever. The Sergeant of Police came who took an inventory of what was lost and took down Mamma's Christian name. Went to church, heard a very good sermon from Mr Rogers. The subject was 'Train up your children in the way they should go' etc. He
expatiated fully upon the subject and expounded it well to his hearers. At dinner Jessie as usual uproarious and cuttingly cruel to John, making Mamma's hand to shake and her veins to swell. Went to Sunday School, taught my class, which was increased to twelve children. Wrote all afternoon and wasted my time. Tchi Tchi told me the Herald was expected in today. I am very glad of that, for I shall be glad to see them all again, particularly Mr Hixon whom I still remember, but I do not want to laugh or flirt
with them too much, as I do not wish to be seen dancing too wildly or talking too much. But I am so very glad, they have returned at last. John started for Watson's Bay in a boat, but could not pull round as the breeze was too strong. Dreadful hot evening. Summer has now fairly set in, with no gentle approach but announcing its arrival with boisterous dusty winds which too surely herald its approach. The sun just sinking casts a shadowy light over Sydney, which is fast becoming enveloped in a dark bluish cloud.
No sound disturbs one's reverie save the rolling of carriage wheels and the bleating of kids calling their mothers for their evening food. All is quiet, the flies float lazily in the last rays of the sun seeking where their bed chamber shall be tonight. Oh! the hill it is worthy of a painter's brush! I wish I had that gift. Oh, what splendid subjects I could find! Behind is all in a deep haze, blue lines of smoke float lazily up. Children are playing on the thresholds of their doors dressed in gay Sunday attire, the
foreground is just coloured with a golden tint, the long shadows cast by the emerald tufts of the freshest grass form a most pleasing contrast. No habitation is here, no children disturb the scene. Nothing with life is here save one beautiful kid, snowy white, standing upon the outstretching point of a jutting rock which with its deep brownish tints stands out in pure relief. The goat is still there gazing languidly around, it appears to be watching the setting of the glorious sun which in return casts its last golden
rays upon its snowy form. Still, still it stands, immoveable like a statue Patience upon a monument. Jessie and John went to church both different ways, both sat in the same pew and worshipped at the same time, yet how opposite their hearts! Evening dreadfully warm, walked with Campbell and Livy on verandah and spoke of robbery.
Monday 10th October
News very bad. English defeated in China in a naval engagement. Shame to England, how can she hold up her head again! What glory to the French, who just returned from a brilliant victory over the Austrians, conquering
them in every engagement. Fighting nearly everywhere with singular bravery they have celebrated their victory by illuminations in Paris and the army on its triumphal entry has been presented an ovation. When England fights she is shamefully defeated, her gunboats are captured, one hundred and fifty men are killed and wounded and all done by a lot of Chinese pigtails who with their unwieldly junks have taken our tall and stately ships. The Queen of the Seas must now hang her head for shame.
Dreadful hot wind. Mamma went to fetch woman
to pick the mattresses. Came back very ill indeed was obliged to lift her into bed. Up at six cleaned the lamps and counted all the house linen. At eleven great anxiety expecting the post. Impatience marked upon everybody's countenance. The postman called every manner of names, how delightful it is to expect letters! To hear of all at home. Hark, there's the bell now for the letters! News chequered. Neither good nor bad. Poor Emily very weak, and ill. Lord Audley in London. No appointment as yet. The Bradleys all well, not thinking of returning. Dreadful hot wind raging
all day. John in the evening told us he had taken rooms at Watson's Bay. Must start first thing tomorrow. Packed up till twelve, went to bed tremendously sleepy.
Tuesday llth October
Dreadful hot wind blowing. Carriage ordered at eleven, everything in readiness. Jessie out, not knowing that we are going and she does not know where, as we would not tell her for fear she might follow. Goodbye to everyone and off in the cab. Safely arrived at Watson's Bay, where after washing and getting over the effects of the heat
we partook of a delicious collation prepared by William, a black Ceylon, the waiter of this establishment, which is called The Royal Marine Hotel, kept by Mrs King who has leased it from Mr Toogood, the late occupant. She only took possession on Saturday. Consequently there was a slight confusion but everything on the whole was remarkably comfortable.
After having satisfied our inward cravings we went along the delicious beach with the tiny waves rippling on to the shore, walked up an inviting green
sward on to a plain covered with refreshing grass bounded on each side by the native oak. Here we rested to enjoy the scenery and examine the many beauties of this interesting place. At our feet lay wild flowers running and mingling with the sweet-scented clover, far off in the distance appeared a large lagoon of fresh water shining and glistening through the waving myrtles which surrounded each of its banks. Wild ducks were swimming and disporting themselves in its cool waves, now gently skimming along the surface with
outstretched wings, now diving deep below its waters in search of insects, while others more sober and staid sailed quietly along in the dignity of old age. On our right loomed immense cliffs. Rocks of various colours jutted out in different directions covered with green waving herbage interspersed with ferns of every shade and casting their shadows peacefully on each other. At our left glistened the sea covered with tiny boats, its clear and sparkling waves rippling on the beach and mirthfully rolling and casting
their snowy foam over one another. A merry group of fishermen now ascended the bank and passed us proceeding to light a fire and enjoy their evenings' meal of fresh fish which but an hour before had swum and enjoyed the briny element. The scent of the nicely fried fish raised our appetites and caused us to think also of our meal, which we eagerly anticipated. So retracing our steps we returned to the Hotel and enjoyed a comfortable dinner of three courses each most excellently and tastefully cooked. Discontinued
my journal till the day of our return.
Tuesday 18th October
I was too lazy to write while at Watson's Bay. We returned today after spending a week of uninterrupted happiness, much to our sorrow and much to the sorrow of our hostess, all were very sorry at our leaving, William in particular, as he had a strong penchant for nurse. The weather was most delightfully cool the whole time. Sometimes even chilly and freezing in the mornings. Our days we spent in the following manner: up sometimes at half past five out with John, nurse and baby some mornings
walking on the beach, other times ascending the cliffs looking over the frightful gap and enjoying the refreshing ocean air. At half past eight breakfasted; about half past nine all went out with the books and biscuits and after wandering along some delightful situation would sit down under the shade of a native oak, sometimes even a myrtle, and there read till one when, going home, we partook of luncheon and out again at two, wandering on the rocks. In again by six, when we had an extensive dinner tea at nine and bed by eleven. Thus we spent our days.
Mamma recovered her perfect health, her vigour was restored and, though rather frail she manages to walk and climb over the rocks with assistance. Every evening we discovered new beauties. Finally the week passed off most pleasantly and I never enjoyed anything more in my life.
Monday 31st October
During this time we have been enjoying ourselves extremely. We have been to an opera at Govt House, then to a ball the following week. Another at the Murray's, where I enjoyed myself most
extremely. Danced every dance. The Herald's officers were there, Mr Hixon among them, he as well as Dr Connell most attentive but I did not care for them and behaved very steadily and quietly with them as Mr Douglas was there. I danced the first quadrille in the same set with him and he commenced to talk to me and asked all about Alice. Then he engaged me for the next dance and the following one also, which I danced with him. The next being the lancers and not being engaged for it he asked me to walk
up & down the verandah with him which I did and enjoyed an animated discussion about the animals of Australia. During the evening I danced another dance with him and he took me into supper. As we went up to the head I could not get out for some time and soon the room filled with gentlemen and I was the only lady there. Mr D. pulled crackers with me. The first curiously enough would not go off, the second exploded but had mot-tos but no sweetmeat inside. The first motto was something about hearts pining away, and Mr
D., remarking it was very true, placed it in his waistcoat pocket. We then went into the room and he sat down by my side for a long time till I went off to dance. He then went away and I saw him no more that evening, when he had left I cared no more for dancing, I looked eagerly amongst the dancers if he was there, but he had gone. I liked him very very much indeed, in fact I wish I had never seen him, for I do not enjoy myself anywhere unless he is there and I feel my face get sad and melancholy if I do not
see him. Besides that I get so absent that I perfectly forget the steps of the quadrilles and I forget even to speak. People may laugh at me for it but I cannot help it. I think of him all day. At night when I lie down and I find myself standing for hours thinking of nothing but him. How am I to prevent this? It is impossible to make resolutions. They are never carried out. Another night at a musical party at the Isaacs', which I did not care much for as no one was there I cared about. Next day at a large
picnic given by Mrs Johnson up Middle Harbour. It was very nice indeed. Mr Hixon sang several songs and made some of the sailors dance a hornpipe and sing. We had a band on board and danced from two till six. It was half past eight when we arrived at home.
Today very warm. Counted out the clothes and did the usual duties of Monday morning. In great state as to what I shall wear tonight, as we are going to a party at Mrs R.Johnson's. Can find nothing to put on, the old story of nothing to wear. Read Bell's geography. Very hot
sultry afternoon. At six began to dress. At eight started off with Milly and John in the cab. Arrived very early.
Tuesday 1st November
Oh, dear! So frightfully tired! Did not get up this morning till ten and past for I never was more fatigued in my life. Came home last night, or rather this morning, at half past three, after dancing every dance and flirting away most shamefully. Really, I should be more careful. I was not on my best behaviour last night, as Mr D. was not there, so I walked out on verandahs, jumped about, handed mottos round
& flirted with all the naval officers. All were there, Mr Hixon etc. Dr Connell most particularly attentive, so absurd, stayed even till two dances after Sir Roger and we were the very last that came away. Oh, it was a most delightful party with one exception, that Mr Douglas was not there, so I behaved very badly, as I cared for no one there. Why was he not there? The parties are now going over and I shall, or may, never see him again. It is very wrong to think and write of a gentleman that is nothing to me but this journal contains my true thoughts,
so truth must be written. I have no sister to communicate my thoughts and hopes to excepting Milly and she is married. All day long read etc. In the afternoon went down Woolloomooloo with Milly and returned about six. Mamma, Catherine and Roddy all went to a tea meeting. Jessie broke the lamp the other night by twisting it wrongly. Went to bed at eleven.
Wednesday 2nd November
Up very late, extremely hot wind. Read and wrote all this morning. Received an invitation from Govt House to a musical party on 18th November. Mamma and Catherine
went to Sydney, the former bought me a chocolate muslin, the latter bought shirts etc. for Roddy. Miss Lloyd came. Mamma paid a woman to sew two mattresses and one pillow case, three pounds ten shillings. Most disgraceful sum, for Anne did more than half. Went out walking with Milly on the hill, where we stayed a long time admiring the beautiful scenery of all around. Most delicious evening, cool breeze blowing, and chasing away with its balmy breath the heavy unwholesome heat. In by 1/2 7. Read Down’s Lives. In bed by 11. Frightened
dreadfully by immense cockroaches, which appear in numbers. I opened my drawers, out flew a cockroach. I lifted up the pillow to get my nightgown, one ran upon my hands, they are my detestation.
Thursday 3rd November
Up late. Very tired and sleepy, the heat most overpowering. Read Bell's geography and studied German and wrote journal. Mamma and Milly went out visiting. Tchi Tchi came, wasted an hour laughing and talking. Mamma bought chocolate coloured muslin for me yesterday, most hideous colour. Worked at night
& in bed by eleven.
Friday 4th November
Beautiful morning, change from yesterday so cool and delicious in the mornings. What a pity it will be when we leave this house, as we must shortly. Mamma and I went to Sydney, where we bought gloves etc. and walked as far as church hill in search of a house and to Crouche's and bought drums for R. and baby. Came home tired out, dying for rest. Tchi Tchi came asked me to walk out with her. In return asked her if she had no mercy, went away in high dudgeon because I would not go out with her.
John and Milly went to Sydney to purchase furniture for their new house situated at Darling Point and known as Greenoaks, where Mrs Smith and daughters used to live. Spent the rest of the afternoon writing. Beautiful transparent moonlight night, as usual plenty of lovers strolling about trying to feel romantic. Church bells ringing all around. Carriages rolling, men talking and the sound of frequent footsteps together with the remarkable dreamers of the moonlight almost make one imagine it is day time and not the calm and peaceful night,
for although it is 10 rest and sleep appear to be out of the question. Dreadfully tired and wearied out, so must set a good example and retire to bed. Adieu, journal, I often think when I lay down at night — suppose this will be my last and perhaps when the morning sun rises these eyelids will have closed to open no more?
Saturday 5th November
Guy Fawkes Day. Read a letter from Minnie Mann in which she mentioned a curious image of a vessel that the whole family had seen at night and towards the dawn of the morning. Read and did not waste my time.
After dinner started with Julia James and Miss Moriarty for the archery meeting. I feel very nervous about it because I cannot shoot a bit and there are such numbers of people there, some experienced archers. But perserverance! I will succeed and rank among the best! John sent me this month a beautiful bow and six arrows all tipped with iron made of rosewood.
Sunday 6th November
Returned last night from the archery meeting at eleven. It was crowded. I fired pretty well for the first time. Mr Hixon and Marion Simpson took
great pains in teaching me and Mr H. says he will back me against any girl, so I have great encouragement and must practise a great deal. We had tea at Mrs Forster's and spent the evening there, had such fun with old Jacobs. Nasty old thing, he said Mr Chanter and Kate had held a secret correspondence for a long time and there had been a row at it. I had the extreme pleasure of contradicting it. She never knew I was their friend. Went to church could not hear the sermon. I tried to keep
my thoughts but they always wander on all sorts of subjects. Went to Sunday School. Afterwards walked with Tchi Tchi in the garden talking of subjects not exactly suited to Sunday. Mamma went to church in evening. Read and went to bed.
Monday 7th November
Up late. Assisted Jane in laying breakfast. A new chum as Mrs Hig. and Anne went away on Saturday. Worked all the morning, read nothing. In afternoon Milly and I went out with Annie Hodgson in the carriage shopping. Annie very
[Diary from November 1859 to June 1860 lost]
From 1860 to ..
Commenced June 5th 1860
Tuesday 5th June, 1860
Up late, very cold day. Death in this morning's paper of poor girl only seventeen. Just my age. Instead of thinking only of the world and its varieties, does it not remind me, that my time may happen every day? Read and wrote letters. After dinner, off to Milly's, from where, after having regaled ourselves with some home-made beer, we started to visit Mrs Oglivie, whom we found at home. Thence to Mrs Hay's, and afterwards music. Heard that the archery club had been given up till spring, it being too cold to shoot. How very unfortunate! After tea played chess with Mamma, till suddenly I felt myself fainting. Whether it was the joy of beating Mamma at chess, or the heat of the fire, or the commencement of the
influenza, remains to be decided. I was carried off to bed, and after having been dosed with some nauseous rubbish, fell off into a sound sleep.
Wednesday 6th June
Up late, nasty cold, raw day. Mamma told me that last night I called out in my sleep, 'No more parties, no more going out'. Read and studied French, which I am not able to master. Daily I read, and daily I find no improvement in me. What a perfectly useless mortal I am! I cannot play nor sing, to amuse others, nor can I ever remember language. For what good is vain scribbling, my rhapsodies will never be of any use to me. A violent ringing at the bell announcing the arrival of the Tormentor, the Destroyer of my Peace, and loud and angry words
towards Mamma and all, takes away all good resolutions, all quiet thoughts, and raises the devil within me. Oh, the abuse she pours forth on me, the cruel and cutting names I am of need to bear! And I will strive to suffer all, for I deserve it for having given rein to my passion on Saturday, and having called names for which I am extremely sorry. She says she has told every lady of my words, I cannot hold up my head now in society; but what I said was not so very, very bad. 'Ugly Old Maid' was caused by her saying that my conversation and my letters were all about men. But my only consolation is that a brighter and happier Future may yet dawn, when perhaps I may be able to rescue Mamma from her power. Baby came with nurse, in high delight at
my parrot. John came.
Mr Alfred Cape called with letter from Mrs Lacy to know Alice's address. Played chess with Mamma and beat her.
To bed by ten.
Thursday 7th June
Pouring rain, and every likelihood of a continuance. For over our heads there hangs a dark cloud, which seems almost to join the horizon. Made toffee in the morning. Saw in the papers the depature of Mr T. Chadwick for Brisbane. Wonder whether that is the same person who has occupied my thoughts for four days. If so I am well punished for wasting idle thought upon a single shadow. After tea worked at petticoat, and played chess.
Friday 8th June
Up late, lost all the freshness of a bracing winter's morning. Oh, I
love winter, and everything seems agreeably cold. This is just the weather for parties, I feel as if I could dance all night. But none are being given, owing perhaps to everybody suffering from this terrible epidemic. Six deaths in this morning's paper and all, with the exception of one, died yesterday. How dreadful is this influenza! Like a great owl it sits brooding upon one's housetops flapping its wings, and happy are those whom it quits, without taking with it some of the inmates. Mrs Bertheau came, told me I had cheeks like the cherry. Jessie came, but luckily off again. Studied and read all day. Beautiful evening. The roseate sky shadowing all with a a pinkish tint. My head thick from eating too much toffee.
Played chess and performed many problems in that scientific game. When Jessie is away, our line of life is very comfortable and though rather monotonous yet our hearts are perfectly contented. When we close around the fire with chess-table in the middle and there sit till the heavy tones of the old clock to remind us it is time to retire. And though I am dreadfully frightened of robbers, and all nightly disturbers so that every creak sets my heart beating, and I can scarcely articulate when speaking, fancying I see the door handle turn, yet this does not in any very great degree mar the calm enjoyment of quietness, and being together alone. Mamma and I want no third person, and can be happy in each
But I do not deny that I often sigh for another ball, and feel my spirits getting very low from want of excitement to keep them up. I do so regret I have already missed four this season, and as there seems no chance for any more, they are a great loss. But this is childish talking.
Saturday 9th June
Up very late, off after breakfast to Sydney, passed in Wooloomooloo a funeral followed by twenty-four carriages. All the solemn pageantry of mourning was there, all the waving plumes, the crepe scarfs and mournful faces, the mutes in front, the gloomy hearse with the emblazened coffin inside, but the soul, where was it? Perhaps moving over that great gloomy procession and pitying the weakness and folly
of mortals, who made but little honour of that body when it contained an inhabitant, but who now with much pomp and splendour followed that fallen hearse to its place of corruption. Purchased various winter things in Sydney, met Mr James Mort, who told me I had been everywhere very much missed, and that Mrs Hay had had two small parties, which were very nice indeed. Met Mr T. Boulton, very much improved, and now rather nice looking. He told us that poor Mrs H.'s last baby is being brought up under the care of the daughter of the Dean of Waterford. Home by three. Lady Forbes came. Worked, read, and thought over the fire. After partaking of ginger wine and cakes, went to bed.
Sunday 10th June
Up late, early to church, where Mr Hay den preached an excellent sermon. Dined early, off to Sunday School, children very good and attentive. Saw Emma Jane Husband. I am very fond of her, and should like to see a great deal more of her than I do. She is very pretty, and I think from what I see and hear very clever, and the cleverness of the right sort too, for she can be useful also. Mr McPherson called and saw Mamma. Beautiful cold evening, the dark shadows slanting across the grass, and forming in patches green streaks of emerald hue. Carriages rolling and smartly dressed people taking their Sunday walk. Each enjoying the tranquillity of the day, in their own simple manner.
Evening closes in almost imperceptibly. It was sunshine when I commenced this, and now darkness has again resumed its reign. Downstairs, where we heard from Mr McPherson of the death of poor Major Lockyer. All are dying. This dread influenza is like a scourge sweeping from the face of the earth, all the old and feeble colonists, and making way for the new generation to rise. Read sermon. To bed by ten.
Monday llth June
Up late and busy all the morning. A long list in paper of those who have departed for their last earthly home. After breakfast with Mamma to Miss Burnill's, where met Mrs Skinner, ordered black merino dress. To be ready by tomorrow week. Met Mrs Maywell, who mentioned about
Mr E. Douglas having married an heiress of £90,000. Said that it would be a good thing for Mr John D. to follow his example, and asked me if I knew the latter. I am afraid I blushed, which made her look at me very hard. Mamma went to Mrs Allan's. Mrs Deffells called, asked me to call and see her. Invitation from Govt. House to a musical party, afraid I cannot go, owing to a want of a chaperone, as Milly cannot go out. Jessie came home, great abuse poured out upon me, tempted to answer with equal vehemence, reflected, and thankful to say was able to keep silent. Played chess with Mamma. To bed by ten.
Tuesday 12th June
Up early, delightful cold morning. My hands and feet covered with chilblains. Busy all day.
Mamma and myself off to Milly's, where we paid visits to different people. Mamma had to return, as Jessie is afraid to stay by herself. Slept the night with Milly. Played and quarrelled over a game of chess. Received a supplement containing news of mail's arrival at Adelaide.
Wednesday 13th June
Miserable, unhappy day. Oh grief and sorrow, you seem to be our constant companions! This morning, the newspaper was brought into the bedroom by Elizabeth, it being the first time she had ever done so. Milly opened it, and after glancing down it for some time, fell backward in a violent hysterical fit. I hastened to her. What is the matter? The sad words came forth, striking one, as with a
thunderbolt. 'Poor Emily is dead'. I cannot describe my sensations at that moment. God, was it possible? Emily our dearest, much beloved sister, to me, the dearest of all, on whom our hopes chiefly depended. Emily, with whom the fear of Death, had never been associated, who was always vivid in our minds, the cheerful loving disposition, the tender affectionate heart, that always manifested itself in her letters, Emily, the very name seemed full of life and health. It could not be true, we scouted the idea, we built our hopes upon the delusive foundation, that the papers may have made a mistake, we flattered ourselves that Death could not have come so suddenly, could not have snatched
a healthy being so soon away. Alas, vain imaginations, our hopes were like drowning men clinging to a straw. All that day my hopes were now raised, now depressed.
Immediately after the name 'Lady Audley' was seen in the obituary, Milly sent for Mamma. When nurse arrived, she was but just sitting down to breakfast, with a cheerful heart, she had not seen the paper, it had not arrived. She had not heard the news. Nurse told her. Like a cold hand it struck her heart, blasting all happiness. Outwardly her feelings did not manifest themselves, but she came with nurse to Milly's. Great sorrow and misery all day. Oh, when will happiness again be our lot! Poor Mamma had just begun to feel happy after Alice's
departure. All day long she used to picture to herself the return of Emily,, husband and children, the happy re-union, and all living together, anticipating to spend her latter days with the idol of her heart. Now, oh, how bitter, how absolutely dejecting is the prospect! Her prop snatched from her, how can she stand? Emily, our dearest Emily gone. It seems like a sad dream. Poor Lord Audley, it is the living to be pitied, not the dead. For her, she has but gone home, this world was but a weary journey, now she is in the haven of rest. The abode of peace and love. And I know she must have gone there, for holy was her nature, peaceful her disposition, and charitable to all. She believed in her Saviour, we are comforted in knowing
that faith had been granted to her. And oh, how calming the thought to know that we are attracted towards Heaven now by dear and natural ties, for have we not, amongst other relations, a sister in Heaven.
Thursday 14th June
In much sorrow all day long, longing for the tardy mail, to furnish us with all particulars, perhaps a letter in dear Emily's handwriting may deny the erroneous statement of the paper. If so, the reaction would be almost too much. Campbell sent down a telegram to Melbourne for all particulars, to be extracted from the Home News. No answer all day.
Friday 15th June
Great anxiety, as to mail's arrival, and astonishment at
non-arrival of the telegram. People called. In afternoon Campbell and Tommy came. Later a boy brought the fatal telegram. Campbell read it silently. By his face we saw all hope had gone. These were the words. 'Lady Audley died at Kensington the 1st of April' — from Home News.
Oh, the bitter realization, which we had hoped would never be this, the gnawing grief that woke afresh upon us. Milly ill, and fainting. Poor Mamma, her heart is breaking. Why should this be? Misfortune upon misfortune, grief, endless grief.
Saturday 16th June
No happiness, all darkness and sorrow, a gloomy Future, and all pondering over a
forever departed happy Past. The children must come out to us, their grandmother is the only fit and proper person to bring them up. Gun announced the arrival of the mail.
Sunday 17th June
Early Campbell and Tommy came with letters from Mr Dauncey, Catherine, Aunts Foullioy and Bentley, all announcing the fact. Yes, indeed it is too true, she is gone forever. Poor Mamma, her strength almost gave way when she saw the letters. Campbell feels it much. Poor Emily was taken ill with inflammation of the lungs, suddenly on Sunday night 25th March. Mrs Lindesay, Mrs Payne, and others were sent for; the best doctors were in attendance. On Wednesday, she saw Alice for
the last time, she would not see her again. Three days before death she refused to see anyone, she made no bequests, she mentioned none of her family, on the Saturday she partook of the Holy Sacrament, answering the responses audibly, she wished to be prayed for in church, and requested Lord Audley to attend Divine Service. But alas, that Sunday, 1st April, dearest Emily breathed her last. Towards the close she counted and beat time with her hands, then repeated the alphabet, and her soul took flight just before the end. Oh, our dearest darling Emily, are you indeed gone. Sorrow bitter sorrow, we are indeed sorely tried. Lord Audley is in a dreadful state of mind. Have doubts whether he will let us have the dear children, our only consolation. At Milly's, who is not at all well.
Friday 27th July
Returned home yesterday, after an absence of six weeks, during which time Jessie has had the whole house to herself, has made friends with Campbell in the following manner. When C. returned from Glenrock after hearing of the intelligence, she was sitting in the dining room and on seeing him enter said 'Well, Campbell! this is dreadful news is it not?' They have become firm friends, Tommy also has enlisted under her banner. She has turned away Fanny, and got a new servant called Bridget, whom as yet we do not like so much as her predecessor. Meba has had the measles, but so slightly, that were it not for the rash, she would have been considered in most robust health. From her Milly caught it, and was seized by want
of breath, then Nurse was laid up with the same, and though I was constantly with the invalids, even sleeping with Meba, yet I fortunately, and to my great astonishment have as yet escaped. Everyone about Wooloomooloo nearly has had them. Have also received from the Damascus' Capt. Murray, a large oil painting of Alice and Mr Dauncey, the former looking very pretty and sedate, but not (in my idea) resembling the original. The latter looking very sulky and ferocious with a bushy beard, and dressed in uniform. A little collotype also came, which resembles both of them extremely. Alice looking so pretty.
It made me so miserable for a long time, as it brought them to my mind so forcibly, and all the many happy days we passed together, now gone forever. Never more
will the same happiness brighten our homes, a cloud has settled upon its roof, excluding the sunshine which once gilded its gables. Sorrow is, and must be our lot for many days to come. Dearest Emily, you never will be forgotten, your memory shall always accompany us like a shadow, everything recalls you to our minds, each day brings no difference. My inmost heart alone can tell how much I suffer, my feelings shall not be displayed to the mortal eye. No, let the world think me cold and unfeeling, let my family wonderingly gaze at my apparent forgetfulness, and plead in my favour my youth, and buoyant spirits. Ay! let them think thus. Let not my heart confess its wound, but may it bleed silently. I will not let the vulgar eye scan the inmost recesses of my heart. I will not let them know
the secret woe that preys on me, for the loss of thee. Thee, my beloved sister, now my guardian angel. Thou that taught and nourished my childhood, that led and directed my youth, on whom my heart fixed its firmest tendrils, for whom I dreamt the dream of admiration, to signalize myself in those eyes. Oh, my sister, my sister, that tender word that unites two hearts, am I never to see thy kindly face beaming on mine! Now that thy soul has gained more power, now that thy spirit is clothed in angelic form, wilt thou desert me at the time when the world opens to me all its temptations, wilt thou not unseen accompany me through my dreary pilgrimage, and with healing words poured into my heart, assuage the pangs, which the thorns and briars of this desert afflict. Oh, perform thy sisterly functions still! Oh, Emily, never be thy
name forgot! Arranged the store, and did various little things about the house.
A little girl came, selling plaited leather baskets. In distress, her father, a clerk by trade, makes these baskets, and she sells them. Mother dead, lives on Botany Road, great distance from here. Entertained the idea of being of some use to her. Mamma out to see old Mrs Windeyer. Annie Hodgson came, was introduced Tuesday night at her own house in great happiness. The world opens bright prospects to her. May she long enjoy them. Dr Worby called. Worked in the evening and in bed by ten.
Saturday 28th July
Rainy day. Reading and writing. Mamma out to see Mrs Hill. Mrs Hanbury called. Indulging in foolish dreams, but cannot help it. O why be thus tempted? Why these anxious thoughts! These hopeful fears. Oh, my heart
remain quiet. Let me no longer allow my imagination to conduct me
far beyond the limits of impossibility. Let me no longer suffer my mind to picture unto itself the brightet ideas of human souls, to wander away through endless tracks of delight and bliss, to soar aloft amid fulfilment of wishes amid realizations of long anticipated hopes. For how dreadful is the awakening of the soul to the bitter present. How disappointing to find all a dream. Transient and perishable. A vain longing, a bitter gnawing assails my heart, oh that my hopes might be realized, that the happy Future might at last dawn upon my throbbing heart. But all this is vain reasoning. Let me not indulge in dreamy fancies, let me ever be awake to the active Present, hope for the Future, and mourn over the Past. To bed by ten.
Sunday 29th July
Up early, raining fast. Could not go to church, read prayers at home. After dinner dressed for Sunday School, but the rain came down in torrents. Poor Mamma so very miserable, continually crying. What shall I do to amuse her? I am so thoroughly selfish, I am afraid I do not care half enough about her gratifications. She who all my life has cared for mine. Yet do I reproach myself much. Each day brings remorse with it, for yesterday I was petulant. Unthinking behaviour, good resolutions are thought, but alas! they only remain in embryo. Read all evening.
Monday 30 July
Up early, rather sickish all day. Splendid day after the rain. The sun again shining to retain its sway, and chasing with its fiery darts the
gloomy clouds away. Down with Mamma to Wooloomooloo, where purchased various things. Met Amy and Fanny James, who told me the happy couple were staying at St Kilda. Home for dinner. After went with Mamma to Milly's, where enjoyed a repast of oranges and a drink of beer. Gave Meba Jack the Giant Killer. Milly not very well, daily expecting a certain event. Carried home a large pot of marmalade in my pocket. In the evening hemmed five glass cloths, and four dusters, all neatly, did three rows of antimacassars, and read three or four pages of Milton, all of which performances I consider a very good night's work. To bed by ten.
Tuesday Jlst July
Up early. Band playing entrancing music. Quite distracts my attention from my occupations. Mamma gave me little box with old Aunt Roger's work inside the lid. Mrs Byrie came,
said I was growing handsomer every day. Wanted a bottle of wine I suppose. Mr Hardy called, what for I am sure nobody knows. Mr and Mrs Marsh called. Jessie only saw them. Mamma off to Milly's. I out visiting to "Mrs Hart. Room full of company, and I forgetting the presence of so many, kissed the former Julia James, a great breach of etiquette, which she did not seem to expect. Her husband and a great number were there. I am so sorry I was so foolish. Experimented docit. Thence to Mrs Thomas's, where I left Mamma's card. Home by six. Mrs Dickinson and Mrs Husband called. Saw Jessie. After tea worked and read Milton. To bed by ten.
Wednesday 1st August
After a beautiful moonlight night, a dull rainy day. Great darkness over all from the thick impenetrable mass of clouds, shutting light out from us, which only comes from Heaven.
Letter from Campbell, with enquiries about health, and saying he was not coming down till next week. Answered by return of post. Read and studied all day. Oh, the pleasure of having a little room to oneself where one can sit and ruminate! It is one of the many great blessings it has vouchsafed God to grant me. This my little room, I dedicate to Him. In the solitary of my chamber, and in the depths of my heart, may there never enter a thought which would sully His presence. Let me ever act as knowing that His presence is with me. Tommy came. Informed me I was growing very stout. Downstairs to tea, afterwards worked and read Milton. To bed by ten.
Thursday 2nd August
Up early. Pouring of rain. Busy reading and writing all day. Mamma off to Milly's. Annie Hodgson came.
Walked with her to Milly's, where she got a beautiful bunch of violets, with some snowdrops mixed, for her to wear at the ball tonight at Govt House. This is her first ball there, as she was introduced the other night at her own house.
Friday 3rd August
Up early. Passed the morning as usual reading and writing in my dear little room. Rec'd. paper from Dickey. After dinner Mamma off to Milly's. Mr Allan Macpherson called, had to see him, and do all the talking. Asked all sorts of family questions. To the Hodgson's at five. Passed a pleasant evening. Heard Annie sing, which she does very well indeed. Oh, if I had but that gift of all gifts, but music seems not to be in my nature. Happy girl, Annie. She seems endued with everything, just
entering life, with every prospect, which good looks, wealth and accomplishments can offer to her. Determined to study as hard as possible, so that I may at least be able to speak some languages. To read the classics, for they elevate the mind; to study the best authors, for they refine the sentiments. 'Knowledge is Power', shall be my motto hence forward. It shall be engraved on the banner of my mind, my thoughts shall unfurl the ivigorating words when my thought begins to tire and the perpetual drudgery of studying day by day begin to instil lassitude and weariness into my frame. Let me then be up and doing, let me never think any study too hard, or too obstruse. Let the word 'impossible' be blotted out of my find's dictionary. I am
nothing at present, oh that I may be something in the Future! Had headache, to bed by ten.
Saturday 4th August
Up early, with a very much swollen face, must have caught cold in a hollow tooth. Great pain all day, every tooth aching, very miserable. Tommy came, took away all the china and silver articles that Mamma bought from him some time ago. Says he will refund the money.
Disturbance between Jessie and Bridget, the perfect servant a few days ago, but now that she refused to do some impossibility for the delightful creature, is everything that is bad. Mamma off to Milly's. Caught in pouring rain. Great, great pain in face, very much swollen.
Sunday 5th August
In bed all day. Face remaining
swollen with great pain. Discontinued till Saturday, having been in my room the whole
week, suffering very much with face ache, and am now quite deaf of my right ear, so much so that if I close my left I can hear absolutely nothing. In much pain. Mamma not at all well. In bed all day, very weak indeed. God grant she may be spared to us.
Saturday llth August
Mamma (as I said before) in bed all day. Annie Hodgson came to ask me to go out walking with her. Went to Milly's, found her pretty well, eat oranges. Returned at six. After playing chess with Campbell to bed by ten. Asked Annie to spend some evening with us.
Sunday 12th August
Raining. Mamma still very weak. Dressed to go to church, could not on account of rain. Mamma was
taken with a violent shivering fit, and was very ill all day. So cold and giddy. Could not go to Sunday School. At nine were very much astonished by a cab driving up with John, who came to fetch Mamma to Milly, the latter not being very well. In a great way at Mamma's being obliged to get out of a warm bed in a weak shivering state, and being obliged to go out in the cold. But necessity has no law. It could not be helped. Mamma dressed and went away.
Monday 13th August
Up early. Confusion about keys. Jessie will not take them, nor let me have them. Campbell holds them nominally. C. and I. off to Milly's, wondering all sorts of things, whether we were a nephew or a niece the richer. Our astonishment was great when
we found Milly gathering flowers. Mamma better, though still very ill and giddy. The Doctor came, ordered Mamma ether and camphor water. Dined at Milly's. Home by four. Met Annie and Mrs Hodgson in carriage. Campbell was astonished to see how very nice Annie looked and how like she was to Mrs Hodgson. After tea Campbell out till ten. Jessie spent the evening somewhere. I all alone in my glory. Very frightened, imagining ghosts in every corner. Annie Hodgson came and stayed some time. Went away before tea. Asked me to go and hear lecture tomorrow.
Tuesday 14th August
Up early. Face very painful, deafness most annoying. Performed various household duties. Jessie most dreadful. But it teaches one forbearance and how to be silent when provoked. Down to Wooloomooloo, then off to Milly's. Found all well.
Mamma much better. Dined there. Home by five. Annie came to tell me the lecture was not to be delivered tonight, asked me to tea. Went. Jessie at Mrs frving's. Campbell all alone. Enjoyed myself very much, played bagatelle and draughts. Like Annie very much indeed. I think she is very pretty, she has a nice honest amiable face, and appears a very good girl. Mr and Mrs Knox were there. Mrs Hodgson, too, I like very much. She is very kind. Saw Mr Douglas's picture among the 'Heads of the Council'. Not very like him. Annie always teases me about him. She little knows how much I really care for him, and how I strive to forget him. Home by half past nine. To bed by ten.
Wednesday 15th August
Up early, busy all day. Mamma home from Milly's. Beautiful day. Reading
& writing all day. Visitors came, were seen by Jessie. Received letters from all in England, all well, except poor Livy, whose sight still continues so very bad. Nothing but bad news, all wanting money, that eternal cry. Heard from Alice that poor little Alice Bradley was in a decided consumption, and not expected to live for ten years. In great sorrow at such horrid news. Received a kind letter from the affectionate little thing herself, also from Kate, etc. Old Hig came, said 'I was growing a fine girl'. Nurse with Meba came. The latter rather cross. Mamma very nervous and crying all the evening. She is so very miserable. Wrote letters till one o'clock last night. I read Memoirs of Robert Houdin, The Wizard of the North. The mail that used to be so welcome to us before now brings nothing but bad news.
Thusday 16th August
Up early, rather sleepy. Mamma still in very bad spirits. Put up curtains in the drawing room. Busy all the morning. Out purchasing various things, cakes at Dettman's. Mamma
out, purchased a paper of kisses. Lady Forbes came, had a long conversation with her. She calling Jessie by every endearing name, and telling me I treated her very badly, and that she wondered how I could wish the absence of a sister. She does not know Jessie's behaviour, then she should not meddle in what she knows nothing about. An old crow fidgeting in its neighbour's nest. Campbell bought a set of breakfast and tea cups and plates, a dozen of each, also kisses. Expected Annie Hodgson at six. Waited tea till past seven. She never came, which astonished and vexed us all. Read The Bamaby's in America, and to bed by ten.
Friday 17th August
Up early, which means seven o'clock. Tommy came, had a fight with him because he behaves so badly. Mde Bertheau came. Mamma out to Mrs Hill's, Mr Hayden's and Mrs Lewis's. Campbell and I had a solitary dinner. At seven John came and asked Mamma to go to Milly's, as she was very nervous expecting a certain event to happen. Swallowing down a hurried tea, she started off in the cold night air, pitch dark. I wish this may be no false alarm, as it really is very provoking Mamma being obliged to leave like this. Worked at my antimacasser. To bed by ten. Made Mary Ann bring her bed into my room, and sleep there, as I am so afraid without Mamma.
Saturday 18th August
Up early, very cold morning, the sun lighting up all around, making
everything look nice. I wish I could have some one to walk out these nice mornings, shall try and get Annie to. Wrote letters all the morning. Mamma came, no news, Milly quite well, it really seems as if it were never going to happen. Campbell off to Sydney. Wrote letters to Alice, the three Bradleys, and to Tchi Tchi Isaacs. Splendid afternoon, everyone walking out, some driving, others riding. All enjoying themselves, I have no one to go out with, no sister near me. Here I stay all day long, no one to converse with at meal times, I only see Jessie and Campbell. The former rails at me nearly the whole time, seeking every opportunity to insult me, to wound my feelings. I never answer. Campbell and she converse together the whole time.
I leave the table solitary and alone, I go to my little room, no one comes ne'ar me. Mamma is away. I have not a soul to
be with. When dark, I go downstairs and see about tea. This week passed in silence on my part, I proceed alone to the silent drawing room, work or read. In an hour up come C. and Jessie. They either read or talk. When it strikes ten, I go to bed. Thus are my days passed with but few exceptions. So very lonely and miserable. That I had but one sister with me! This is a punishment inflicted on me, for not valuing my sisters enough when I had them. Poor Alice! I was always unkind and cross to her. I was never what I should be. Saw everyone walking out with brothers and sisters, some quite large parties. Saw Annie H. with her two little brothers. She is very happy. Cried very much. Foolish. Mamma off to Milly's again.
Sunday 19th August
Up early, very cold. Went to church all by myself. Sat alone in the great
big pew, one solitary black figure. Each pew filled with happy families. Home by one. Passed the dinner in peace, for Jessie was dining at the Murray's. At three to S. School. My children all happy to see me. Nearly all the School have had measles. Many have died, it is painful to see the little pale faces in deep mourning, which when I was there last, were dressed in smiles and gay clothes; one was with them also, in the highest health, in the most luxuriant spirits, with every prospect of living as long as those around her, learning with the same assiduity, answering the questions about Life and Death, of which she was so soon to know the truth. Alas! where was that one now? Ask the mother and see her trickling tear, behold the father's look of anguish. If not sufficient answer she will shew you the vacant chair, will point to you
the empty crib. Home by four. Mrs Sheeran sent in to ask to be lent an old black bonnet, to attend the funeral of a young girl only seventeen. So many deaths there have been of that age. Gave her a very old crepe bonnet. At five went with Campbell to Milly's. Met all the Hodgsons walking. Annie said she had forgotten all about the invitation for Thursday night and therefore, of course, never came. Met many of our acquaintances. Found Milly quite well. Home by six. Everything
in darkness. The servant out, will not be back till ten. No tea. Persuaded Campbell to come to church. Home by nine.
Monday 20th August
Up at seven. Jessie very bad. Mamma came from Milly's, brought many oranges. Mrs James called, also Lady Stephen. Down to Wooloomooloo to shop for
Milly. Bought a syringe at Smith's. Great quarrel with Jessie, her abuse and behaviour is frightful. I am so very miserable. Sat alone and worked all the evening, now and then enlivened by some cutting remark or disgraceful epithet by my amiable sister, which makes my whole body tremble with rage. I dare not answer, for I should lose all self-control.
Tuesday 21st August
Up at seven. After breakfast, till one with Mde Bertheau. Mamma in. Milly still quite well. Jessie dreadful, human endurance can hold out no longer. Letter from Annie H. asking me to come at six tonight. Campbell brought more money, pension from England, Mamma £30. T. £7. C. wrote cheques to pay all bills. Started at six for the Hodg-son's. Lady and Sir D. Cooper with two children there. Lady C. rather
stout, cross, proud looking, gives herself great airs, leaves out her H's. Honoured me with one remark. Sir D. stout, stupid looking, speaks in a drawling manner. The children pretty well. Mr and Mrs Hill (brother and sister in law to the above) rather nice people with no pretensions.
Off at seven to Temperance Hall. Splendid lecture on Havelock. The hall crowded to excess, ten on each seat. 800 tickets sold in the morning, besides those sold at the door. The lecturer Rev. Thomas Smith, very stout and jolly looking, delivered this most interesting lecture very energetically with powerful eloquence, great flow of language, flowery sentiments. He represented the boy Havelock studying at school, his course marked with piety, his boyish life brave and enterprising , one act he described: His father one day asked
him "were you not afraid when you fell from that tree". Not I, I had too much to do to be afraid, I only cried for the scold. Another time, he was seen with a black eye. How did it happen was he asked. "It came there" was the only reply. But how did it come there? No answer was vouchsafed but the abuse, and a sound thrashing was the consequence. It was afterwards discovered it had happened during some fight, which he had had with a bully, to take the part of a weaker and unjustly treated school fellow. He was every inch a boy. The lecturer described with beautiful eloquence the touching yet sickening scenes at Campore, pictured the mother, seated playing with and caressing her infant boy, glowing with childhood and beauty, watching him sail his tiny paper skiff in the calm water in the basin,
pondering over his future, and picturing him sailing on the rude and boisterous deep, thinking of him as the man, brave and generous, a staff to lean upon. Stopping in his play, the very object of her fond maternal thoughts rises up and lifting his tiny face, asks "Mama when will Papa come home." A step is heard on the stair. "Run my child, he is ever here, run, welcome your father." The door is opened by the expectant child. Alas what does she see. Her beautiful, her heart’s delight spitted on the bloody Sepoy’s sword, the gay stream curling down and forming a winding pathway on the floor. See what is that, he throws with savage exultation towards her. Whose are those grey features, those starting eyes. It is her murdered husband’s head, in another minute her mangled
corpse lies beside it. Home from school comes the prattling girl, her fair locks waving behind her as she trips up the stair, her rosy cheeks dimpling merrily as she prepares for a good game of play with her infant brother. In she steps humming some little tune, with the words of greeting on her lips. What does she see. Her footsteps slip in the gory track of her murdered brother’s blood. Her father’s head gazes at her with starting eyes, her mother’s gaping wounds pours forth a stream of blood. ‘Mother, Father, Brother’ is her bewildered cry. Forward steps the ruthless savage, his sword point raised on high, whose hand then stopped the descending blow, whose voice that shouted, ‘Down wretch, retribution is at hand’, whose sheltering arm took possession
of the orphan, and secured her safely. It was Havelock’s, glorious Havelock. After describing scenes like this Dr Smith made many useful remarks and gave a description of Havelock’s life and death, and concluded amidst hurrays and continued and loud cheering.
Oh, it was a magnificent lecture! I wish all the world could hear it. Returned to the Hodgson's, had supper. Home by eleven in Mr Hill's dogcart.
Wednesday 22nd August
Campbell off at six for Stanwell. Gloomy morning. Alone all day till three, reading and writing. John came with note from Mamma telling me to come out. Jessie home for an hour, off again. Tremendously lonely. Annie Hodgson came. Went to Milly's, found Mrs Chatfield and all the Lambs there. Room full, frightfully nervous. Saw Mr T. Smith at the Lamb's. Home in
their carriage. Annie stayed for tea. Found it dreadfully dull, as I was the only person to entertain. Went to sleep on the sofa. Home by nine. Dreadfully frightened of robbers, as I am here all alone with only the servant, who sleeps in my room on the floor.
Thursday 23rd August
Up early. Rainy morning. Had a solitary breakfast. Performed various household duties. To my study at nine, where I sit all the livelong day, without holding a minute's conversation with anyone. I shall soon forget how to speak.
Friday 24th August
Up early. Till one with Mde Bertheau, who kept talking about some article which she was writing, and intended putting in the S.M. Herald, that is to say if the editor will put it in. Then walked out to Milly's, where
found all well. Mamma came in to Craigend, and I remained at Milly's. Watched John prepare his photographic apparatus, making the bath solution, which is composed of distilled water, nitrate of silver and alcohol. Played chess, suffered an inglorious defeat.
Saturday 25th August
Up early, down all the morning among the orange trees, flowers smelling so sweet, the sun shining so bright, everything looking fresh and green. Sewed twenty yards of black calico for tent. Read. After dinner walked home with John. Heard Annie Hodgson called yesterday. To bed by ten.
Sunday 26th August
It has come at last! The long expected event has finally arrived, and I am one nephew the richer. This morning exactly at a quarter past four, we were all disturbed by a violent ringing at the bell. Up jumped Mamma,
down went Mary Ann, and opened the door for John. 'Milly was ill, Mamma must go off immediately'. John ran off then for Dr Alloway. Just at the moment the bell rang, our little clock stopped. Mamma was soon dressed and went off, with Mary, not waiting for John. I went to bed, and did not rise till six. The stars were beautiful. The dawn splendid, so calm, so clean, gradually the night melted away, and the glorious light resumed its sway. It was a right time for the entrance of a human soul into the world, twinborn with Day. The planet Jupiter shone out in dazzling relief from the azure blue, rendering the sparkling of the neighbouring stars, dim by its radiance. The moon was just setting.
In great anxiety all the morning. At nine started off for Milly's. There heard a new soul had been born at seven
o'clock this morning. Milly very well indeed considering she took chloroform. The baby a dear little thing, with large dark eyes, a quantity of black hair, fine well proportioned limbs, so immensely fat, its cheeks like a chubby child's of two years old, such finely marked nails, and fragile hands. Already it was partaking of nourishment from its mother. Its cry is like a great baby's. Milly talked and laughed, seems quite well. Went to St Mark's with John. Three clergymen officiated. After dinner walked into Sunday School. There had to take children into church. Told the news to friends.
Walked out again to Milly's accompanied by John. He had met and told the Hodgsons. Also the Morts, the Hanburys. Baby rolling its eyes everywhere and sometimes crying
lustily. Meba in great delight with her little brother,
told me, 'Her Mamma had been crying all night', and that 'Baby was quite well, thank you'. After tea to church with John. Heard the Bishop of Queensland. He preached a very good sermon, text from the last verse of XXVII Ch. St Math. Saw the Aliens, the Hodgsons, etc. Church very full. Back to Milly's. Goodbye to all, then home with Hannah. Very, very tired. To bed by ten. Roddy's birthday.
Monday 27th August
Cloudy morning. Read and wrote all day. Sent a letter to Campbell, announcing the glad tidings. Jessie out, — peace! After dinner walked South Head Road with Emma Jane Husband. Saw the prisoner's van. Down to Wooloomooloo. Met Annie Hodgson, Mrs Blaxland. Home to loneliness. A solitary tea. Finished John Halifax, Gentleman. Like it very much. The author, Miss Dinah Mulock, must have gone through
trouble and known the secrets of sorrow, to have described it so well in 'Cela qui n'es pas souffent, que savoire.' Elizabeth came. All well at Milly's. To bed by ten.
Tuesday 28th August
Up by seven. Very tired and weak. Dreamt of Annie H. all night. I take these affections, I love with all the intensity of love, but in a few months, something always occurs which tires me with the person. My feelings may have received a chill, perhaps something the person does wearies or disgusts me, but whatever is the cause, my violent affection wears off, and I turn to someone else. It may be the intensity of it at first, the blazing fire dies soonest out. At present, everything I do is mingled with the thought of Annie, reading a book, she steps in among the characters; in my thoughts of the
Future, she is constantly associated; she is even taking the place on the scene of my mind, her face is constantly before me, at night when I compose myself for sleep, it is but to think of her. She accompanies me to the land of dreams, there to assume a prominent part.
Strange this great love. Burning up like a spark. Not reciprocated. I am her friend, nothing more. If tomorrow's sun saw me far away, I would be forgotten. If the Destroyer carried me away, a sigh might perhaps be breathed, a tear
might possibly fall for the me she had seen life and health, now far away, hidden in the great mystery. The approaching dances would drive all serious thoughts away. I would be mourned tonight and forgotten the next. She does not care for me. I am
solitary, alone out of the world. She is bright, happy, beaming with youthful beauty, entering in a life of happiness, I must look from afar and love. She can never know, if once my secret discovered, my love might turn to hate. There is a great vast difference between us. She is rich, pretty, admired, amiable, kind, generous, looked up to as the eldest daughter, her parents gay, happy, and living and mingling with the world. I am plain, poor, miserable, lonely, dependent on others for kindnesses. She is destined to fulfil a bright lot in this life. I perhaps to die unknown and uncared for. My only hope is in the Future. I trust in God, and dare not complain. Mde Bertheau came. Afterwards started off for Milly's, where arrived in time for dinner. All in good health. Milly going on famously. Baby growing much
prettier and I think fatter. Does nothing but drink and sleep. Is very good. Rain came on. Had to stay at Milly's all night.
Wednesday 29th August
Lip early, cold raw morning. Still raining. Down in the garden watching John trying to take some negatives. Too wet and windy. Stayed all day and night.
Thursday 30th August
Milly and baby very well. The former rather weak. The latter crying lustily, thereby shewing the strength of his lungs. Walked home with John. Jessie out. Heard Annie called yesterday. Twice I have missed her. Down Wooloomooloo, where purchased baby's bonnet, worsted, sixpence, and various little things. Sent them out by omnibus to Glenrock. Read and performed various household matters. Mrs Hare called, also Lady Forbes. Worked at valance. To bed by ten.
Friday, 31st August
Hazy day, sun and clouds. Up early. Every clock in the house stopped. Pain in the chest with cough. The divine
Jessie came. Off again, will not be home till tomorrow. With Mde Bertheau till one. Dined on a biscuit, which is my fare now for every meal, having taken a notion into my head to eat nothing but one ship's biscuit for morning noon and night, which plan I have pursued since last Monday. Mrs J. Manning came for me to go out walking with her. Went to a most beautiful place. Splendid cascades of water dashing down with silvery sound, rushing along a carvernous tract of rock, and finally tumbling down helter and skelter over a shelving precipice, forming a grand and melodious waterfall.
Green luxuriant ferns scattered all around. Met Emma Jane Husband and sister. Had been to see Milly. Home by five. Showed Emma Jane my programme etc. Beautiful calm evening. Made pink calico curtain for table. Man singing, a splendidly romantic and miserable song, each verse ending 'No more'. The moon shining out with majestic splendour. To bed by eleven.
Saturday 1st September
Another month commenced. Up early. Jessie home. Great day of the Champion Races between Sydney and Melbourne. Numbers of people going, some riding, driving and walking all appearing in a great state of excitement. Down
to Wooloomooloo, met Mr Hodgson, and Mr Isaacs. The latter grown very thin. Paid Miss Burnill £12.11. Ordered a dress for Mamma. Home by one. Dined on a biscuit, and
after waiting till 4 for Annie, off to Milly's. Met such numbers of people coming from the races. Came on to rain, stayed the night at Milly's. John was at the races today, and Sydney won. Hurrah! Zoe was the fortunate horse, the Melbourne one suffered a complete defeat. The New Zealand horse Strop, fell dead when taken into the weighing yard. Three cheers for Sydney!
Sunday 2nd September
Up by six, and home by half past seven. Met Mr and Mrs Burney taking an early walk. Told me the British Merchant had caught fire last night and was now half burnt. A ship on fire! What a glorious sight, and one I have often wished to see. If I had only known it last night, the effect must have been beautiful in the dark. The flames were burning up, casting all around
a red glow. Half the vessel is consumed, the masts are all down, and nothing left for the greedy flames to devour, but the dismantled hulk. This will be a great loss to the owners, Duthrie and Co. To church, Jessie and Lady Forbes in the pew. They both stayed for the Sacrament. Bishop of Sydney preached. Enjoyed a solitary dinner, then off to Sunday School. Home by half past four, and remained in the verandah, watching the different passers-by, till dark, being the sole occupant of the house. Mary being out, and Jessie at the Forbes. To bed by nine.
Monday 3rd September
Up early. Saw in the papers that the British Merchant sunk at one oclock. Busy all the morning. Jessie home and away again. Mrs Mann and Fanny came, to ask me over there. Would like very much to exchange loneliness for gaiety and cheerfulness. They went to Milly's to ask Mamma. If not home by three, it will
be a sign that Mamma will not let me go. At three. No Manns. Emma Jane Husband came, asked me for tea. Walked with her to. Milly's. All well. Mamma will not let me go to the Husbands as they have had the measles. Home by six, asked Emma Jane to spend the evening with me. Did so. Played chess and eat lollipops.
Very dull for her, poor girl! Away at ten. Mrs Hodgson called today, and asked me to go with them and hear her husband lecture tomorrow evening. Annie is at the North Shore. To bed by ten.
Tuesday 4th September
Pouring of rain, with every promise of continuance. No Mde Bertheau. Studied French till one. At two off to Milly's, where found all well, except Meba, who has a very bad cough. Obtained leave to go to lecture. Home. Mrs Hodgson called. Told me lecture was postponed owing to wet weather, but that I was to come to tea. There by six. Stayed till ten. Talking to Mrs H.
who told me she considered it very wrong my not talking to Jessie and strongly advised me to make a reconciliation. Would if I could. To bed by eleven.
Wednesday 5th September
Rainy day. Jessie home. Seems as bad as ever. Mde Bertheau came. Mrs Hare here to ask Jessie to spend a day or a night with her. Off to Milly's, where found all well. Poor little Meba still suffers very much from a hoarse cough. Her temper is not improving. Heard Mrs James Norton had a son, is very ill, in fact dangerously. Stayed at Milly's all night.
Thursday 6th September
Very hot, just like the middle of summer. Saw John taking views with his camera. At present they are not very good, owing to defective collodion, but time will improve it much. Mrs Norton still very ill. 'Please make no inquiries' posted
upon the gate. Perhaps she has brain fever, her children are ill with the measles. Clouds arising in every quarter, great heavy drops of rain following. Hurried home after dinner, where I found Jessie out, which is a very great satisfaction. No storm as I expected, and but very little rain. Read Pope and wrote. After tea studied French. To bed by ten.
Friday 7th September
Up early, beautiful morning.
Thursday 13th September
During this time I have been too lazy to write or do anything, in fact I find my journal getting very distasteful to me. I hear from all sides that keeping a journal is considered a great waste of time. I have even read so in a book, and I now begin to think so myself. I have serious thoughts of discontinuing, and were anyone to step forward now and
tell me it would be better I did leave off, these poor pages would be allowed to remain empty, for these days and months are truly the blank periods of my life, why should they then be marked down, with what can I fill up the blank?
Poor Mrs James Norton continued dangerously ill, suffering much, raving in wild delirium, had to be held down by two people. On Wednesday at three oclock, her poor wearied body was at rest. The limbs that before struggled and wrestled with insane force, now lie calm and settled, a terrible calm succeeding those days and hours of frantic suffering. She died in her sleep, peacefully, for mortification had taken place. For a moment before that deathly sleep, Reason had assumed its sway, and with exhausted voice she murmured 'Pray for me, my darling husband. I believe in Jesus'.
She died the day week her infant boy was born. For some days past I have entertained the wish of being reconciled to Jessie, but always thought she should make the first advances. Mrs Hodgson the other night caused me first to see that I, being the younger, should first break the long silence there has been between us for five years. I thought much on the subject, my conscience told me it would be right, that it was simply my duty. I have banished from my mind all recollection of past grievances, of constant provocation, I know that there was much in my conduct to aggravate. On the morning of Friday 7th September, Jessie came into the house, went upstairs into her room. I had fixed the time for speaking to be at dinner, something told me now was the time. I was in my little study, her door was open, she was alone. I strove to nerve
my powers up, I composed what I would say. I thought of nothing but the deed. Thank God nothing arose in my mind to prevent the completion! I rose from my chair, I half opened my door. I waited leaning on the handle, my heart went pit-a-pat, my breath came fast and thick, my whole body shook. Now! I must not give way, it was like swallowing a bitter draught, it was my duty, down with it. Boldly I entered the room, she was writing, her face assumed great astonishment. Hurriedly I said, — head shaking all the time, every finger twittering, heart bumping up and down, breath very much oppressed — 'Jessie, I am sorry for my past behaviour, 1 would like to speak, we ought to live as sisters should, and I am sorry I acted wrong. I have never done you any harm, and you have never done me any, that I know
of.' I kept my eyes fixed on the ground. What she answered, Oh, I cannot exactly remember, the purport of it was as follows. 'Well! you have always behaved very improperly, have never treated me as an elder sister should be treated, but as you come in that way, and say you are sorry, why, as a Christian, I can do nothing else but speak. I suppose you heard I was going to Melbourne, and that is the reason you come in this way.' I denied the imputation, having always thought, and now understood that such was not the case, in fact from a letter received by Mamma from her, while the former was at Milly's, we all understood that her application to go to Melbourne had been refused. Then after some more conversation similar to this, she informed me that Mr and Mrs Peter Snodgrass had both written to her
most kindly, asking her to go, she shewed me the letters, they were very kind. Went back into my dear little study, thankful and happy a reconciliation has taken place — the first time of speaking for five long years, in continual intercourse with one another, seeing each other every day. Friday was not a lucky day to begin, but away with all heathenish superstition. My spirit was moved to do it, if I had waited for another day, the reconciliation might never have happened. 'Procrastination is the thief of time.' We converse together at meal times. Jessie has written to Melbourne to say that she will leave this next Saturday week. Mamma has been home for some days, so the loneliness has nearly passed away. Today is Dickey's birthday, he has attained the great age of twenty-three. Up early, and off to Milly's. She has
the influenza, baby has it slightly. Mamma has dignified him with the title of Mr Pig, which name she has taken from Meba's book entitled The History of the Three Little Pigs, the one that was so very good. Home by ten. Passed the day reading etc.
Friday 14th September
Up early. Such a beautiful morning. Postman brought three cards of invitations for Mamma, Jessie and me to the Batchelor's Ball, to be held September 27th, at the Exchange. Read and wrote all the morning. Mde Bertheau came. After dinner walked with Fanny James as far as Carthona. The old place looking so fresh and green. Home by six. Read The Life of Charlotte Bronte. To bed by ten.
Saturday 15th September
Up late. Read and wrote all the morning. In the afternoon off with Annie Hodgson, (who has gone into slight mourning for
Mrs Norton) to Milly's, where found all well. After eating a good many oranges, laughing a great deal and kissing the baby, we came home nearly dark. Annie looked very pretty in her hat. Campbell came down from the country. Worked and read The Life of Charlotte Bronte.
Sunday 16th September
Up late, tremendously tired, not being in bed last night till nearly twelve. Campbell much astonished at the reconciliation. To church with Jessie. Heard Mr Hayden. Mamma went to the Wesleyan Chapel, Dowling Street. Dined, off to Sunday School. Mamma and Campbell to Milly's, where the former will stay the night. Lonely afternoon. Tried to read in the verandah, rocking myself backwards and forwards in the rocking chair, went off in a rhapsody of thought, in which various people figured. I try always to picture to myself the worst, but never can succeed. I awake from a dream
of happiness, to find the reaility still more painful.
Jessie to Mrs Irving's, where she will stay the night. Mary Anne out for her Sunday holiday. No one at home but Campbell, who is asleep on the sofa.
Thursday 15th November
Have discontinued for a whole two months from simple idleness, and also I suddenly took a dislike to my journal,
and could not prevail upon myself to commence it again. But today the inclination has again come upon me, and yet I am afraid I will not continue, for I do not see the use. To read it over again would take too much trouble, and when finished it lies idle in my drawer, yet in after years it may prove useful. Have been enjoying myself pretty well, during this long silence, been out to a delightful concert with the Hodgsons, who are very very kind. The Legislative Assembly have granted Mamma a pension of £200 a year, which will be a great help to her.
The motion was moved Tuesday 6th November and granted without even a division. Mr Clark Irving brought it forward, and Mr Hodgson seconded it. A great many kind speeches, and flattered Papa highly, nearly as much as he deserved. Have been a great deal with Annie and all my friends, and my life during these last two months has not been so very dull.
Friday 16th November
Up early, rainy looking day. Mde Bertheau came. Told her to bring her bill, as we wished to part. I intend learning now some other language. She in very great distress, nearly crying, says she always anticipated with so much pleasure the days of coming here. Poured of rain all day. Mrs Craw-ford of Campbelltown came to see us. Wrote letter to Alice. Worked at petticoat, and to bed by ten. Jessie very morose, loudly speaking, her jealousy has been raised, because Mr Sparling
praised me very much to Mr Irving, and echoed my praises in a letter to Mamma. This letter she having opened it, tore into little pieces for fear I should read it, and begged Mamma not to mention the subject to me. She is truly miserable and is very much to be pitied.
Saturday 17th November
Thursday, 6th December
The inclination has again seized me to write. I earnestly hope that I may be enabled to continue, so much time wasted. Nothing particular has occurred, affairs have rolled on as lazily and as slowly as ever, no change in our prospects
for either better or worse. The only variations are going out to tea now and then, which I hate, and making occasional trips to Milly, who is at present very thick with Mrs Lamb. Jessie and I do not speak, there seems to be a sort of coolness arisen between us,
on my part I am the same as ever, but the old days seem to be returning. Strange she can never be at peace with anyone. Mr Douglas, a name that has perhaps often figured in these pages, is engaged to be married to Mrs Howe of Glenlea, a person who has been twice a widow, she has £700 per annum. Shame that the only gentleman at present in Sydney should throw himself away in such a manner! Ella Merewether has become a noviciate. She has left her mother and gone into a convent. Poor Mr and Mrs Merewether are very much cut up about it. I should say so, losing their eldest daughter, worse than death!
This morning up at seven. Man commenced laying down iron pipes, as we intend having the water laid on, which will be a great advantage. The locusts making a tremendous noise, they have a concert every morning outside our window. Very hot. Mamma off to Lady Forbes's in the
morning. Milly came with all her family. Baby growing very fine. Resembles Livy's picture when a baby. Gentleman came offering a lady's pony with saddle and bridle for £13. Very cheap. The pony is to come tomorrow to be tried. Went out in the afternoon with Fanny James, who asked me to tea. Could not go as Mamma is going out. At half past six Mamma off to tea at Mrs Alexander's, where she will meet Capt. Williams of the La Hague. Came home at ten.
Friday 7th December
Took calomel and black dose, therefore considered myself an invalid, and took my breakfast in bed. Mde Bertheau came, paid her £5. Campbell very busy packing up various matters for Stanwell. Purchased two marble jars from a man selling figures at the door. Dray came at three for Campbell's things, and took away washstand stand, press, chest of drawers, and table, also basins, wines etc. Girl came riding the pony. Did not like it at all, very small and weak.
Monday 17th December
On which day at 6 oclock we started for Stanwell Park, reaching Appin at ten o'clock the same night, where we were most kindly treated by Mr and Mrs Sparling, stayed there the following day, and came to Stanwell on Wednesday 19th December.
Tuesday 25th December
Christmas day. Awoke by the warm sun glancing on my bed, through the half-open blind, the morning calm air, very fresh, the birds singing their glad welcome to the birthday of our Lord. The ocean roaring and dashing its masses of foam on the shore, which the gentlest breeze greets when it lies idly on the sand and skims it in snow white flakes along the smooth shelving beach. The cattle lazily cropping the green clusters of clover, speckled amid the heavy
green by the small white blossoms, ruthlessly they crop them down, the animal propensity uppermost. Now and then the fat idle cows low forth a bellow of satisfaction, while their calves frisk around. Everything is bright and gay, all Nature seems alive, even old Tom the cat (which Campbell avers is of the same age as myself, being born on the same day, and being my playmate during the listless hours of earliest infancy) lays at full length on the verandah, with eyes half shut lazily watching the buzzing flies, and purring forth
his satisfaction at things in general. We three met at breakfast, a sumptuous one prepared by Lucy, in consequence of the day and who in pleasant anticipation of sundry glasses of rum, had furnished us with steaming hot rolls for bread. Three, only three, out of a family of
twelve, three alone are congregated together to celebrate the great annual feast. Where are they all? Where are the faces with which my earliest recollections are associated, where the companions of my youth, the dearest ones of my heart? Alas! since this day last year one has departed, one link has been removed. And on this very day year Grandpapa was taken away. The Birthday of the Saviour was also a new birth for Grandpapa, after a long pilgrimage of ninety-one years, he entered the new life then.
Dined early, roast beef, potatoes, stewed onions, beans, carrots. The plum pudding, very rich, with a piece of green Xmas in the middle, jam turnovers. Champagne, sherry and eau de vie. After dinner, walked on the beach, climbed over the rocks and saw two splendid caves, over-run with crabs, who retired in their fastnesses in the clefts of the rocks
on our approach, and looked out with their glittering eyes a sturdy defiance. Had tea earlv. more wine. read. Then to bed. Thus passed our Xmas of 1860. In the wilds of Australia, in the solitary valley surrounded on three sides by high and rugged mountains, and the boundless blue ocean hemming us in on the other. With music of birds sweetly singing, now the piping of the pheasant, the whistling of the parrot, the cawing of the crow, with the hoarse laugh of the kookaburra, mocking at everything and echoing from one mountain to the other. In sight of the green clover spreading its verdant carpet, inviting us to walk, of long and shady walks sheltered by tall cedars and graceful waving cabbage tree, of a pure calm river, flowing quietly and silently between its grassy banks, reflecting on its surface, the azure
blue, mixed with white of the clouds above. Far pleasanter has the day been than the last where, cooped up in a city house, we saw nothing but dusty deserted streets, with now and then a holiday straggler left behind. But we were richer then, she was alive.
Tuesday 1st January 1861
All hail, New Year! Thou has come in with sunshine and with beauty, like thy predecessors who die in the calm magnificence of moonlight. May this sunshine continue for us inwardly and outwardly, all the length of thy days. Campbell off very early to try and shoot one of his bullocks, which have run away with the wild cattle. He has been out on the same errand for the last week, but his trouble has all proved fruitless. Mamma and I busy making and putting curtains to the dairy. Mamma makes plenty of butter and takes the entire charge of all appertaining
to it. Such lots of delicious milk coming up every morning and evening from the cows. One of them has had a heifer calf which Campbell has given to me, and has called it Nick, after my second name. C. came home with news he had killed a bullock, shot the poor animal in the heart. Off again in great excitement with George and Brown, not home till the evening all being busy cutting up and salting. The day very hot, afraid the meat won't keep. Mamma and I on the beach, took off shoes and stockings and waded through water. Found a sea serpent, just like a small snake but with the addition of a fin and a large fin like a claw at the end of the tail. Home by six. Beautiful moonlight night. To bed by ten. Very frightened all night, had dreams of robbers, awoke and imagined all sorts of things. Fancied I heard chains moving in the dining room
and a bare foot patting about.
Wednesday 2nd January
Early this morning just about dawn Mamma and I were awoken by knocking at the door. The former called out 'Yes, is that you Campbell?' But they were not continued and soon after a door slammed. C. awoke also and said he knew nothing about it. Reading and walking all day. Mamma and I made a mosquito curtain. Very hot day, out fishing in the afternoon.
Thursday 3rd January
Read. Campbell all day breaking stones and levelling the path. Sat up on a fence and commenced taking a sketch of the house. After trying three hours found it was a dead failure and came home with a scarlet face, ditto neck, ditto hands from the heat. Out fishing again, caught an eel and had it nearly on dry land when the slippery thing fell off again.
Tremendous disappt. The water clear and beautiful, the ocean foamingly magnificent, dashing roaring up, the wild cry of the sea gull echoing around. The beach so smooth and hard. Played chess with Campbell. Checkmated him, to his great disgust!
Friday 4th January
This day I have attained my eighteenth year. Eighteen! how very old it does seem. Nobody knows it is my birthday. I have told Mamma the day of the month, but she does not remember it is my natal day. So, as neither have thought of it I am not going to remind them. So the day will pass away unnoticed, uncared for, only known to myself. It is hard to have nothing said to me, nor not to have my health drunk, my only birthday so forgotten, as all the past have been remembered. I had Alice last anniversary, kind affectionate sister, I was not quite alone, she would never
forget it, and although I had been very cross and rude the preceding day, yet she went out unknown to me and bought me a book, giving it to me, hoping to surprise me, saying that perhaps it was the last birthday she would be with me. And the prediction has proved true, alone am I. I have no sister near me. Oh, for but one week of Alice's society, but for a sister near me, one such as Alice. And Emily who was always so affectionate, the last letter she wrote me, a month before she died, told me that she had not forgotten my seventeenth birthday, and wished me happy returns of it. She although so many miles away, and an absence of two years, yet still the day remained in her memory. Emily, dearest Emily make me like unto yourself]
Passed the morning working. Campbell mowing grass. Mamma reading. Thunderstorm.
Out fishing in afternoon, not even a bite, raining. To bed by eleven.
Saturday 5th January
Up at seven, read and worked in the morning delightfully cool and pleasant. Campbell mowing grass. Mamma churning and salting butter to take down to Sydney with us. Birds singing, cocks crowing, cows lowing, locusts going on at a tremendous rate. The country everywhere beautiful, the mountains refreshingly green. Reminded Mamma of my past forgotten birthday. She very sorry, both drank my health in champagne. But that does not make up for the neglect of not remembering it. Dressed for a ride, but after searching an hour the horses were not to be found. All walked up a long avenue, shaded by myrtles and tall gum trees, with a thick wiry creeper climbing up their sides and twining itself with the branches into graceful bowers
far above our heads. Here and there a gleam of sunshine peeps through setting off the vivid green, and black earth, strewn with yellow leaves. A most beautiful walk, far away from all heat. Passing through a slip rail, each armed with stout sticks as thick as an Irishman's shillelagh, Campbell walking in front beating the grass on all sides to keep off snakes, Mamma and I following in close order; we came upon a large cleared space of ground called 'Karl's Paddock', from a German and family having lived in a hut which is stationed on the top of the hill. Here we had to struggle through clustering raspberry bushes, laden with their crimson fruit, crushing the latter together with the parent tree ruthlessly under our feet. Some we plucked and eat, the taste is pleasing, being sweet but insipid from want of cultivation. The Cape gooseberry
we hailed with delight and filled our pockets with its most delightful fruit. On then we went through the cleared land away into the wild bush, still crushing the raspberry to the ground. And now the scene changed. For monotonous gum trees were exchanged the tall and tapering cabbage trees, clustering sometimes in groups, other times alone and magnificent. The myrtle shed its sweet fragrance everywhere, the zania palm nodding gently to the wind, the cedar and the turpentine looked loftily around. Huge boulders of rock were covered with small ivy, their summits crowned with waving rock lilies and ferns, and thick green moss covered the fallen trunks of trees, fit winding sheet for the prostrate monarchs. Having reached the sawpit where all the cedars were sawn, we retraced our steps back again. Mamma in great
admiration of everything, wishing Campbell to make something of its many beauties, but once the hand of man approaches all wild luxuriant Nature disappears. Home — not a very long walk, the sawpit being one mile from the house. Read and off to bed.
Sunday 6th January
Hot, but the sea breeze very cool and refreshing. Read prayers. After dinner received a visit from a Mrs Phillips, the woman who nursed Mrs Thomson, and her son-in-law, Mr McKinnon, a rough cabbage-tree-hatted, coatless fellow. Welcomed and entertained with salt beef ham and brandy. They live at Bulli. After their departure walked on the beach — home early, and after reading went to bed.
Monday 7th January
Mamma and I made toilet valances. Read novel. Campbell mowed down
the grass in front of the house — rather hot work, to which his wet garments testified. After dinner off riding — had first rate gallops across the plains. Arrived at a magnificent fall of water called the Falls. Down rushes the foaming roaring river many hundred feet down a precipice, wearing away the solid rock into round basins for its reception. A famous ride of eight miles, enjoyed it very much indeed. Very lazy all the evening. C. asleep on the sofa.
Tuesday 8th January
Very tired and stiff from yesterday's ride. Worked and read. Afternoon all helped to rake up the grass which Campbell had mowed down. Off riding up a steep mountain, from the summit of which we had a fine bird's eye view of the house and grounds. Walked on higher to another mountain, the highest about, had a splendid view
from that. Home at six. After tea lighted the heaps of the raked-up grass, which presented a very pretty appearance. Was stung by a soldier ant. To bed at ten.
Wednesday 9th January
Alice Bradley's birthday. I think she is about fifteen today. Up early and rode to the Coal Cliff before breakfast, about three miles off. A splendid ride, the path being through endless variety of scenery. Sunless and most cool, palms and cabbage tree, and ferns in every sort. Made a pair of curtains for the dining room window, had them up in the evening. Greatly admired. .After tea lighted up fires. Bed eleven.
Thursday 10th January
Up early, delightful morning. Warm but very fresh. After performing various household duties, started off at half past ten for a ride to Wollongong. Home by seven, having ridden fourteen miles, saw the whole of Illawarra from the cliff, the Bulli mountain. There it
lay many thousand feet below us, a huge panorama stretched out before us, and a most beautiful sight it was. We looked down upon a thick forest of tall trees, of every variety, with thick spreading verdant foliage. In some places a magnificent creeper had completely enveloped the sturdy trunk, and was stretching out its tendrils to captivate the branches, holding the huge monarch completely in bondage. A little farther on were large cultivated squares, stretching out hundreds of miles in extent, dotted with cottages, with their outhouses and gardens. Here and there were cattle and horses grazing. Beyond lay the placid Lake Illawarra, surrounded with its high mountain, and all along the coast dashed the ocean, breaking in fury against the four headlands that jutted out forming as many bays, where were convenient harbours. Three vessels rode at anchor in one. The five small islands relieved the blue
of the water, on which Mr Beatson, the butcher of Wollongong, keeps his sheep, as there they require no shepherd nor fold at night. Our horizon was the boundless expanse of ocean. I stayed at a small farmer's while Campbell went down the mountain and bought some medicine and four pigs. Mrs McKinnon was very kind, we partook of the hospitable refreshment which is always to be had in the bush, and carried away with us some flowers, with which her garden is stocked. Musk grows on the top of the Bulli mountain, of a strong scent. While absent a neighbour came called Mr Brien, who brought us six fowls. Read after tea, and to bed ten.
Friday llth January
Up early, made a curd cheese, which consists of simply curds tied tight up in a cloth and allowed to hang and drain a day. Then salted and placed for another twenty-four hours under a heavy press, after which time it is fit to eat. Read all the morning. Mamma
wrote letters. George to Wollongong, from whence he returned very late with four pigs, for which Campbell gave seven and sixpence each. Out fishing in afternoon, had the supreme gratification of catching a bream, which caused the green-eyed monster to attack Campbell, as he had been fishing all the morning without any success. After tea played chess. Won the first game, but was robbed of my laurels by Campbell declaring he had been asleep the whole time, always his excuse when defeated. Played two more games, lost both. To bed at half past twelve.
Saturday 12th January
Cloudy morning. Threatening thunderstorm. George off to Appin. Mamma churning butter, Campbell out shooting pheasants, I reading Brewster's More Worlds Than One. Reading all day. George home at six bringing papers and letters from Sydney. All well at home, but sorrowful news of friends. Poor Mrs McArthur
while in the midst of grief for her mother's death, which took place on the 26th of December, has lost her dear little baby about eight months old, the very day fortnight of the death of her she loved
so much. They have had much grief. Campbell has heard from Mr Elyard that he intends leaving his house during this month, which obliges C. to proceed soon to Sydney. Raining all the afternoon. To bed soon.
Sunday 13th January
Cool day, had a fire in the parlour. Read prayers. After dinner walked on the beach over the rocks and up the hill from which we had a view of all the surrounding scenery. Read and to bed early.
Monday 14th January
Campbell shot a pheasant. Working all the morning, made two pink calico table curtains, ditto valances and two toilet covers. C. killed a huge black snake. Out fishing all the afternoon
but met with no success. Read and worked. Pouring of rain. Wrote a letter to Milly. C. petrified us all by saying we must go down this day week. Great sorrow therefore, we have not had half our fun yet, but he remains firm, owing to the letting of his house.
Tuesday 15th January
C. shot a Wonga Wonga pigeon, afterwards went to Appin.
Much disappointed that he did not ask me to go with him, and then I should have had the satisfaction of riding twenty-four miles — cross and sulky all day. Read and fished in afternoon. C. brought letters from Milly and papers. English mail at Adelaide.
Wednesday 16th January
C. out fishing and shooting all day. I reading and working. Mamma making butter. Also wrote letters home to England. Walked out on the delightful beach. Considered how a harbour could be made. Afraid it is an impossibility, at least without
money. It only requires a breakwater for the ocean to dash against and thereby break the force of the waves. Weeded the garden. Read and worked. Mamma took a sketch of the house, from the pig stye, very much pleased with it. The drawing is very good. Raining.
Thursday 17th January
Delightful day. Just the day for a ride if I could prevail upon Campbell to give me one. But he has gone out shooting pheasants, of which there are a great number. Finished Brewster's More Worlds Than One. Like the book extremely. He declares the Solar System to be inhabited, adducing as a reason the wherefore that this world, the smallest of all should be the only one blessed with people, and only Jupiter 1200 times larger, and resembling this planet, having trade winds marked on its surface, should have none. And truly why should this small insignificant world
(compared to others) being neither the middle nor in any way distinguished from the others, be the only seat of reason and intelligence; when others are brighter and more beautiful? The Sun also, he says, has its inhabitants, as it is not a red hot globe, but its nucleus in a solar opaque mass receiving very little light and heat from its luminous atmosphere. Its great size, too, gives a probability to this hypothesis, it being 900,000 miles in diameter, and upwards of one hundred times the size of the Earth. Mars, Venus and Mercury have no moons or satellites but an atmosphere of a great height and of a peculiar constitution might in all of them supply the place of a moon. The length of their day is almost exactly twenty-four hours, and in many other points they are similar to the Earth. Continents and ocean and green savannahs have been observed upon Mars, and the snow of this
polar regions has been seen to disappear with the heat of summer. The surfaces of Venus and Mercury are variegated with mountain chains of great elevation. The clouds can actually be seen floating in the atmosphere of Mars. In Venus astronomers have even observed the morning and evening twilight. It is supposed borne out by astronomical truths that each of the five stars we see are suns with planets revolving round them, the same as our Solar System, that each of these planets are inhabited. What thousands of beings if such is the case, and Brewster also supposes that these wonderful worlds which we see will be our place of habitation after Death, and he strongly recommends the study of Astronomy, which will (he says) have the following effect — 'Thus familiar with the great worlds of creation, thus seeing them through the heart, as well as through
the eye, the young will look to the future with a keener glance, and with brighter hopes, the weary and the heavy laden will rejoice in the vision of their place of rest; the philosopher will scan with a new sense the lofty spheres in which he is to study; and the Christian will recognize, in the eternal abodes the gorgeous Temple in which he is to offer his sacrifice of praise.' — And I believe that such will be our abode, for 'In my Father's house are many mansions'. And may we not indulge in such a glorious hope that hereafter we shall travel from world to world with those we loved on earth, and following the pursuits that were our occupation here, praising and worshipping our great Creator? But it all rests in the hand of God.
Campbell out shooting. Brought home a Wonga pigeon. Went outside about two o'clock to throw some dead leaves away, and finding
the sun hot, placed the newspaper in which I had carried them over my head. Returning to Campbell, I felt rather green and sick, when suddenly my head appeared to get immensely large and full, almost bursting, and a horrid chocking feeling came on. I sat down and after a minute felt better. It was the beginning of a sunstroke. Just in the minute outside the door the sun had power to strike. If I had remained out longer, I should have been seriously ill. Bathed and sponged my head. All right again. C. mowed down the cotton plant. Mamma and I fished, but with no success, not having the proper bait. Home. Head feeling rather queer. Read, worked etc.
Friday 18th January
Up late, Down all the morning with C. floating heavy timber over the river. Walked out in the evening. Took a view of the house, with better
success than the last.
Saturday 19th January
Read Encyclopedia all the morning, studied the art of perspective, but not being blessed with much patience found it rather difficult. Mamma drew a picture of the house, very like it and the best of all. Helped C. to saw up a yard-arm of some vessel that has been cast ashore with the cross-saw, as he intends making a raft to sail up and down the river in. Rather tedious and hard work, but after four huge logs had been sawn asunder, he fastened them together temporarily with nails, and we floated off on the raft up and down the sides of the river. No sooner were we over a deep hole, which according to all accounts has no bottom, than C. called out we were sinking — which was a most interesting observation considering the depth of the water, and the weight
and breadth of my steel petticoat! But the alarm fortunately proved to be false, and we landed on Terra Firma in perfect safety, with no other adventure to celebrate the launching of the first Stanwell raft. Drove the cows up, with little difficulty, for they obeyed me willingly. George home from Appin with papers etc., no letters. Papers full of dinners etc. given to the Governor General, and speeches from the new Members. Mail in at Sydney.
Sunday 20th January
Gloomy day. Read prayers — after dinner took a walk down amongst hanging branches and dead leaves, frightened back by the first warning of an approaching thunderstorm. Had the pleasure of making the acquaintance of two leeches, which graciously climbed up Mamma and myself but being, discovered in time, they made off as empty as they came. Thunderstorm all
the evening. Early to bed after reading.
Monday 21st January
Campbell out after bullocks. Tried to take a sketch of house but could not. Read Encyclopedia all the morning. Out in the afternoon with C. at the raft. Mr McKinnon came. Rec'd a glass of gin. Fished, no success. Read. To bed.
Tuesday 22nd January
Beautiful day. Meba's birthday. Expected Mr Sparling all day, but he did not honour us with his presence. Had a very nice dinner prepared for him. Drank Meba's health in sparkling champagne. Long may she live and grow daily in grace as she grows in years! Mamma took a short ride on the pony, on the beach. Walked him up and down. Campbell at the raft. It is finished tonight and tomorrow will be the grand launching day. — Beautiful moonlight. The moon sailing calmly and clearly across the
azure blue. Stanwell looks very pretty in moonlight. To bed late.
Wednesday 23rd January
Doubtful day, uncertain whether to rain or not. Early down at the raft which is something like this [sketch by Blanche] the planks are eight feet long. Great trouble launching it, the water being a good way from it, and the sand very soft, so that it was difficult to obtain a purchase so as to raise it. Finally, after a good deal of trouble and after the exercise of much strength, C. succeeded in pushing it as far as the water. Before it got afloat I stationed myself in obedience to C's orders, opposite the craft, and as soon as the stern cut the water I threw a stick in lieu of a bottle at its side, calling out at the same time, 'I name you the Mary'. And then it floated off right gallantly though a little too heavy in the water. Took a trip down the river. C. afterwards
brought planks down in her from the opposite side. After partaking of tongue rolls and cake, C and I went off for a ride to Gara, seven miles from here. Returned at six, rather tired. A famous ride through beautiful scenery. The ocean on our right the whole way. Saw the grass tree in great profusion. Gara a very pretty place. Rained all night, very heavily.
Thursday 24th January
Busy packing up, as the box goes to Appin tomorrow, though we do not go till Monday. So goodbye journal, for you must go and repose yourself among crumpled clothes in our portmanteau, so be off with you till I feel in the humour to honour you again with my pen.
Saturday 9th February
Recommenced writing today, comfortably seated in my little study at Craigend Terrace. Arrived here safely on Monday 28 January, found that Jessie had gone to Melbourne during our absence, which departure we did not much bewail. The house not over clean, Mary Ann not having been (as far as appearances go) very diligent in our absence, wishing to prove the truth of the time worn adage 'When the cat is away etc.' Milly and all the children well. The boy much improved, with many more accomplishments, and Meba prettier and funnier. Three days after arriving went to the Manns, where I stayed four days. Enjoyed myself very much indeed; Minnie and I had tremendous fun, I feel quite lonely after it all. She has such a sweet voice, and one of my chief delights was to lay upon the sofa leaning on Minnie, with my eyes fixed upon her bright ones while
she sang to me delightfully sentimental songs, which would touch my very heart's core, and make me feel as if I was drinking in some delicious beverage. It was great fun, for I like Minnie tremendously, and all of them, I only wish I could know if she cared for me, for if not, then the illusion would be broken, how could I like one who does not care for me? I wish I could find out. I am afraid that she does not, that she is a girl who does not place her affections upon one in particular, she cares for all. Oh, that I could find a friend who would share all my sentiments, and would care for me, and return my love! — But we cannot expect Elysium. — I do not deserve a faithful friend, I am too fickle myself. I love one today, and another tomorrow. Annie Hodgson was my flame for some days, but I have returned
to Minnie Mann. I have been looking over what I have written, and cannot believe that I a great girl of eighteen could have written so much sentimental nonsense, and so much about myself. However when I read this journal many years hence (if I am spared) I shall be able to know my feelings at the present date, and as these pages are secret, no one will be able to know what I have written or not. Sad news we have heard during this long interval of days in my diary, poor Miss Stephen is dead. Nelly Stephen, whom we have seen at all the parties, met mixing in every festive scene, participating in every girlish enjoyment, now lies cqld and alone in the dark grave. Only twenty-one, she fell a victim to the gastric fever, of which she was but ill one week. Mrs Bedford, Lady Stephen's mother had been ill before, but when the fatal
news was told her, the shock burst a blood vessel in the heart, and she accompanied her granddaughter to the unseen world. Terrible indeed for Lady Stephen, when she saw around her two corpses, that were but a few days ago in health and happiness. Wednesday ' 6th February was the dark day in that house, she who had boastingly said some weeks before that she had never known trouble in her life, is now overwhelmed with it. Have also discovered a cousin of Mamma's, living close here, Mr Augustus Helsham, heir to a baronetcy and £12,000 per annum, he is now poor and trying to get a livelihood, having a wife, and a prospect of a family. He has been here to tea, and been to Milly's also. Mamma out in the morning to Lady Forbes's, and then to Mrs Rae's, who has just lost a son of eleven years, drowned
whilst bathing. Storm in the afternoon. Milly and Meba came. Campbell went up the country. Expect Lord Audley every day now, if he stays here he is to have Campbell's room. Again idle in the writing way, and industrious in one more useful, so have discontinued this irregular journal from the date of 9th February to the 27th inst., during which period, not many important events have occurred. Lord Audley's arrival
ranks among the first, which took place Sunday 24th February. Mamma and I were at evening church, Campbell had gone to visit Milly. On our return, we found C. pacing up and down the verandah, enjoying the beautiful moonlight which lit up everything around. His words on meeting us were, 'The Oliver Cromwell has arrived!' We then told him to go down to the ship and fetch Lord
Audley. 'There is no need, said he, Lord Audley is already at Milly's, whither he went in a boat.' He further added that Lord Audley and Milly were coming on here. (I conclude this book here, as the pencil marks annoy me, and commence in a new journal book).
Concluded February 27th 1861
The following pages are scribblings of Roddy’s, at the age of six years. This book belonging to him, before his departure for England December 1859 –but which came into my possession after that date. B.M.
[The following 4 pages are out of sequence, copies of journal from September 1859]
1st Sept. This month will no longer see Alice Mitchell but will see that sister of my heart joined to another family and perhaps separated from me for ever - Let me enjoy the few hours of her society while able to - the present now is my only happiness. Let me while I can listen to her step and respond to her call - a few more Married Philip Dauncey
Govt Ball takes place tonight to which Milly, John and Dauncey went, Alice in great distress at not going - eat currant cake and marmalade to console herself. Sat both together in dining room mournful and disconsolate Alice asking: What will you do when I am gone. Ah! bitter question, I could have exclaimed "I shall pine away and die", but I never shewed my affection. Let me not think
For ever, perhaps, for who can tell when we shall meet again! And even if we do it will not be with the same feelings - a family will engross all her attention will partake of all her care - With diffidence and outward affection be ready meet again - also for my cold heart. To her affectionate question I gave a cold answer I shall mourn in secret - 23rd August 1859.
of it, it is too sad. There she sat my long loved sister with whom I have grown up from childhood who has shared and participated in all my wants, fulfilled my slightest wish, brightened by her timely advice and by her merry smile my heaviest burdens, who has watched over me with the care of a mother and now about to part
[Transcribed for the State Library of New South Wales]